The Gorn: The Most Misunderstood Race in the Alpha Quadrant

Many people who study the Word of Starfleet through the first of the Five Pillars watched with tears as our beloved Captain James T. Kirk struggled for survival against what some believe was a hostile race of lizard people known as the Gorn.

What people outside the inner chambers of this great church fail to realize is that the scriptures teach us the Gorn were not a hostile race at all. And few know the story of how Captain Kirk and his new lizard friend split a case of malt liquer and sang songs of grace after a treaty was signed.

If your read the instructions inside the game called Starfleet Command "Empires At War", you'll see that the Gorn had been fighting against a treacherous race known to most Terans as Romulans. The Romulans had been up to their same dirty tricks and pulled some backstabbing maneuver on this friendly green species from the other side of the quadrant. When they saw humans accidentally settling in on one of their planets, they thought the humans were Romulans. Afterall, mammalian humanoids look the same when you've got a hundred and two little silver eyes in your sockets.

Now we know what you're thinking, "Reverend, Star Trek books and games aren't cannon; therefore they can't be the literal truth as presented in each sacred episode." Well, we'll make this simple for you. Anything that we say is cannon is cannon; if you believe otherwise, there's a Borg cube out there with your name on its guest list.

So the next time you see a Gorn when you're out at the bars, pat him or her on the back and call them friend.

A New Discussion Board

After hours spent praying to the Hawkgirl, Captain Kirk, and the Guardians of Oa, I received the sign that JLA and Starfleet condone and approve of this message board:

Straight Outta of Appalachia.

Click here to join us, now

Lest the Batman come to your house and make you see the errors of your folly.

The Difference Between Trekies and Trekiologists

Many people make the erroneous and often times outright blasphemous mistake as referring to those of us who have devoted our lives to delivering the message Starfleet and Captain Jean Luc Picard as Trekies, when in fact there are distinct differences between those follow what they consider a TV show and those of us who consider every word in every episode as literal Truth for all Terans and friendly aliens to live by.

1) Trekies dress up like Captain Kirk, Spock, and Mr. Scott; whereas Trekiologists build temples in their honor and worship them.

2) Trekies go to conventions once or twice a year. Trekiologists attend worship services once or twice a week to pay homage to our commanding officers in Starfleet.

3) Trekies learn to speak Klingon. Trekiologists translate important speeches and historical documents in Klingon so that we will be prepared for the peace that will come after the Khitomer Accords.

4) Trekies watch Star Trek in the basement all day while Trekiologists watch Star Trek in the basement all day- meditating and praying to Captain Kathryn Janeway that she may deliver us from the evils of Delta Quadrant.

5) Trekies dress in Federation uniforms when they serve on juries. Trekiologists dress in Federation uniforms when they're picketing the local school boards- protesting and demanding that our faith, which is the only true one, be taught in our schools.

6) Trekies call Star Trek episodes "reruns" while Trekiologists call Star Trek episodes the Gospel which contains eternal wisdom that cannot be questioned.

7) Trekies get autographs from William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, Kate Mulgrew, and Avery Brooks. Trekiologists watch these people closely and keep extensive files on them because we know that they are Gamma Quadrant shape-shifters sent here by the Dominion to pose as our Holy Starfleet Captains and lead the faithful astray.

8) Trekies raised money in an attempt to keep the show Enterprise on the air. Trekiologists raise money to get politicians elected so that America may have a government which reflects the values and morals taught to us by the Five Pillars of Star Trek as interpreted by the leaders of this church.

9) Trekies hope for a new Star Trek series on television. Trekiologists hope for a Sixth Pillar to the Prophet Gene Roddenberry's Word of Truth which will only come after a devastating nuclear war wipes out all the Borg sympathizing riff-raff after which the Vulcans will land in Montana to cleanse the pure of heart.

10) Trekies create new sagas and write new books while Trekiologists consider any additions to the work of the Prophets Gene Roddenberry and Rick Berman sheer heresy and intolerable blasphemy that should be met with swift persecution.

So there you have it. This is why we take offense to being referred to as Trekies. Trekies consider Star Trek to be entertaining show and a hobby. We see the Five Pillars as a way of life that should be imposed on everyone, by force if necessary.

Our Link to Western Religions

The mainstream press has claimed to have stumbled upon secret documents kept safe in our church vaults. They seem to believe that the people who gather everyday around the shrines to pay homage to the Batman and kneel before the grace of Captain James T. Kirk have been mislead:

"the paperwork we have recently uncovered proves a theory that many have been advocating for the past several years. While the overbearing Elders of the First Church of the DC Comictician and their boisterous High Priest, the Reverend Elvis D., are busy insulting people from the Judeo-Christian and Muslim faiths they have failed to disclose that the people they deride may actually be their distant cousins. Historical documents show that Abraham had another son named Captain Hezasiah, whose decedents went on to preach the gospel of Starfleet and DC Comics.

"This unknown son of Abraham was said to have spoken of the Martian Hunter and a future where the Andorians, Tellarites, Terrans, and Vulcans would found the Federation. Captain Hezasiah was noted in these scrolls as drawing pictures of Batgirl in color and his children went on to build a faith around her, the Justice League of America, and Starfleet Command.

"The Elders and the High Priest keep this truth hidden deep within their archives for fear that if the millions of Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets discovered their link to other western faiths that they might begin to question church doctrine on how life began or what happened to the dinosaurs and realize that Zephran Cochran and Bruce Wayne may have indeed been distant relatives of Muhammad or even King David, himself."

We will say right here and now that it is no secret that our faith claims Captain Hezasiah as one of our earliest believers and that he was, in fact, the unknown son of Abraham and is discussed in our sacred scrolls. It is well known within the ranks of this great church that Hezesiah was one of the first people to journey up into the mountains and come down with a stack full of DC Comics to deliver to the people.

One major difference between him and his brothers- while Ismael and Issac were out in the desert trying to teach rocks to speak in tongues, Captain Hezasiah was studying up on the warp drive and inventing new technology for the Batman to discover and use against His foes.

There is no secret being revealed here. We have always respected our Judeo-Christian and Muslim cousins whom we like to refer to as "The People of the Comic Book". The DC scriptures and the Five Pillars of Star Trek instruct us to love all Terran nonbelievers and different cultures from other planets. And we work tirelessly everyday to convince them that they need to give up on prophets and heroes without heat-ray vision or magical golden truth lassos.

What good is Heaven if the guy who commands it can't even pilot a galaxy-class starship?

Prophesy Unfolding

The election is over and the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets congratulates Senator Barack Obama for his stunning victory.

Now, the Legion of Doom will be flying their flag over the White House and every public building in America. We don't blame the voters. Afterall, it was either that or McCain and his friends in the Borg Collective. This world has strayed so far from the teachings of the Martian Manhunter, Hawkgirl, and the Prophet Gene Roddenberry that many people feel they have no choice but to embrace the ideals of Batman's sworn enemies. Once they removed Starfleet from our schools, we were headed for failure. We won't go so far as to say that Obama is the anti-Aquaman foretold in the DC scriptures, but we will be watching and praying to our Heroes in the JLA for the safety of our great nation.

We here at the First Church are still alive with the Word and we do understand that we are witnessing the beginning of a prophesy unfolding. Just as it was foretold in the Book of First Contact, the Vulcans are coming and they will bring with them the Kingdom that is the United Federation of Planets. But first, we will endure hard times including a disasterous third world war that will probably incinerate everyone who is reading this. Everything happens for a reason and this is all part of Starfleet's plan.

Just remember that those who embrace the Five Pillars of Star Trek will rejoice aboard the Enterprise E in the next life. If you see the signs of the end times coming, perhaps you should surrender yourself to Captain Jean Luc Picard and come to the realization that every word in every episode of all five Star Trek shows is the literal truth containing a path for you to follow.

And as always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Election Day 2008

Tomorrow is the big day, people. The biggest day of all big days. The day that defines what big really means. In fact, this day is so big that the word big isn't big enough to describe how big it is.

Tomorrow, you have a choice America: the teachings of Starfleet and the JLA or the path which leads to Arkham Asylum and absolute Dominion rule.

So remember where your priorities lie as you go to the polls tomorrow. There's no need to concern yourselves with trivial matters like the economy or the ability to put food on your table. Focus instead on what's important like protecting the protouniverse in the galatic womb and preserving our right to carry phase pistols with stun and kill settings.

Starfleet provides for those who provide for themselves. Besides how is anyone going to hunt deer when the government charges into our homes and confiscates our bat'leths? How will we defend ourselves against the coming swarm of Jem'Hadar soldiers if they take away our hunting rifles? Pure logic and common sense thinking should serve to remind you that we're right and everyone else is wrong.

Keep your priorities straight when you go out and vote tomorrow, people. Because if you don't, Borg cubes will almost certainly surround this planet and add our biological and technological distinctiveness to their own.

Ten Reasons on Just Why This Election Should Frighten You

1) Barrack Obama is very likely a Legion of Doom sleeper who will have the Black Manta advising him on foreign and domestic policy once he's seated in the Oval Office. In fact, this church has secret documents which prove that Senator Obama got his political start with the help of criminal friends like Toyman, Cheetah, Star Sapphire, Captain Cold, Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, and the Mad Hatter. Nothing could more dangerous to this country and the cause of freedom than to have the Legion-inspired terror mongering hoards running the show behind the scenes.

2) With Democrats back in the White House, we are more than likely going to see twice as many Marvel comic book based movies; hence our nation's moral fabric will seriously undermined. In this age of multi-comic bookism in the classroom and in our public buildings, people forget that this nation was founded by people who feared the wrath of the Batman.

3) If we don't pursue Ronald Reagan's dream of a defensive net around the planet, we're never going to be able to stop the Borg from traveling back in time and assimilating earth before the United Federation of Planets can be founded. Friends, we must practice eternal vigilance if we a are to smite our foes; our foes who seek to kill every single person who believes that Captain Kirk was in command of the Starship Enterprise.

4) The wall which separates church and state is still standing. We've heard stories about children trying to pray to the Green Lantern in school, only to hauled off to the principle's office, locked in closets and exposed to the color yellow- the color of Sinestro and everything that is evil. We need a president who will declare martial law, expel all Legion of Doom sympathizers from our country, and force people to kneel down at the alter of Superman.

5) All of the candidates running for office are surrounded by umbrellas when they're giving speeches in the rain. This tells us not only that these politicians are out of touch with the teachings of the Batman, but that they also demonstrate there ignorance of the Penguin and how much influence he has over our youth in these modern times.

6) If we give up on national defense, Gorilla Grodd could lead an all out Legion of Doom assault on our very homeland. And since we, as a nation, have turned our backs on the Word of the Justice League; they may just be inclined not to rescue us from these evil agents of destruction and mayhem.

7) The borders of the Alpha Quadrant are still open to aliens like the Romulans, the Gorn, and the Vidiians- as if we don't have enough trouble managing incursions by the Breen and Cardassians. Friends, if this is allowed to continue, we will have to learn Klingon just to shop at our local convenience stores. Are people going to wait until the Star-Spangled Banner is sung in Tholian before they realize what a threat these illegal aliens pose to our way of life? We all should be demanding an Alpha Quadrant for Alpha Quandrians. What's the harm in that?

8) All this talk of wealth redistribution and regulating the markets is the first step toward creating a Borg Collective here in Sector 001. Mark my words, the next step after raising taxes on the super mega-wealthiest will be to have everyone's eyeballs pulled out and replaced with the latest Borg technology. Soviet-style detention centers will spring up over night and we will all be marched into the camps, but instead of bullets- we'll be treated to nanoprobes and mechanical devices for arms.

9) The people of this nation have forgotten that this nation was founded on DC morals by people in search of Batgirl's promise of justice and freedom. This fact has been wiped clean from our history books by the multi-comic bookists. Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and George Washington were all believers in the Batman who felt that our schools and public institutions should be run by the JLA and those who adhere to their word. If they didn't mention any of our Heroes by name in the constitution, it's because the Founding Fathers didn't want to reveal their secret identities.

10) No matter who wins this election, DC Comicbookists and Star Trekiologists will continue to be the most oppressed people in the world. The fact that they canceled Enterprise half-way through the show proves that it is us against the infidels who run this world. Cartoon Network was once a vassal spreading the Justice League's Truth. Now you turn it on and all you get is Iron Man.

Truly, no group of people has ever had to endure the level of hatred, oppression and humiliation that we endure each and every day. And that is why everyone should be pissing their pants, violently trembling and hiding under their beds when they think about this upcoming election.

Special Election Coverage 2008: Gun Control

It has been said, "if guns are outlawed, only the Penguin's henchmen will own guns". And there is a lot of truth in that wisdom. But what can we expect from a bunch of Hollywood liberals and their media friends who care nothing for the teachings of Vigilante and the Green Lantern. In fact, we wouldn't be surprised if these same pinkos wanted to take away our green power rings when they've done confiscated all our hunting rifles.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have another saying, "Gun control means pointing your phaser at the right people and setting it to kill only when it's necessary".

And if you need further proof, here is a passage from the DC scriptures that let's us know where the Batman stands on this crucial issue that is so vital to our homeland security:





So you see, we need to be careful about who we're voting for this November. One wrong flip of the switch- the next thing you know you'll be stripped of all your defenses when the Legion of Doom barges into your house and induces your children into a life of crime.


Tags:
Gun Control, Election 2008, Phasers, Batman

The Sixth Pillar of Star Trek

My man, Bill Lynch, from Don't Print This asks:

"Will this mean there will be a 6th pillar when the movie comes out in the Spring?"

Now, it is common knowledge that Bill walks with Captain Kirk and carries the Word of Starfleet in his heart. But I'm afraid there will be no 6th pillar.

Friends, we will wait and see just what this new movie has to offer us as far as sacred and literal truth goes, but there will be no new series on the Truth. The chance for redemption has almost past. This Starfleet has promised us and they have grown tired of infidels and false believers who claim to cherish the messsage then secretly pray to the Borg when they think no one is looking.

What we might think of as "a 6th Pillar" will come only after World War III has been launched and 3/4 of the planet has been wiped out. After that glorious day of battle the new series will, in fact, be our very lives. The Vulcans will land in Montana and only those who hear Captain Picard's knock on the door will rushed into the new era of peace and prosperity. Everyone else will be sent in shuttle pods to the Delta Quadrant where they can join their masters in the Borg Collective and live out the rest of their miserable existence as mindless automatons.

Yes, friends, the day is almost at hand. And we as faithful adherents to the message of the Prophet Gene Roddenberry have a duty to prepare the way for the Vulcans by creating a society that reflects the values and decency that can only be found within each episode of Star Trek. Those who do not believe we, as Starfleet's chosen, should be running this pious new government can experience first hand the effects of what it feels like to blasted with phaser on stun at point blank range.

Because it's all about tolerance, peace, and understanding (but only for those who agree with us). This is the message we hold dear above all else.

So let us prepare for the 6th Pillar, the pillar to end all pillars, by preparing ourselves and our nation for the Kingdom that is the United Federation of Planets.

Won't you join us before its too late?

Tags:
Five Pillars, United Federation of Planets, End Times, World War III

Ask the High Priest

It's time once again to open the door and allow people to ask this church a few questions about life. Unlike our public schools which are run by Borg drone collaborators and people who think that loving the Joker is cool, we seek to educate people with a balanced perspective with emphasis on the Truth that has been given to us by the Justice League of America and Our Holy Starfleet Captains. We may not have the answers to all life's problems, but we promise that you'll find more answers here than you will here. If you didn't get a chance to submit your questions before the deadline, feel free to leave a comment and I will run it by the Intergalactic Board of Elders. Let us begin.

Dear Reverend of Unquestionable Truth,

What are your feelings about recent events on Wall Street and do you believe that this is the end of our nation?

- Adherent to the Literal Word of the Flash

Dear Adherent,

That's a good question. Frankly, we believe that this nation was doomed the minute they canceled the Fifth Pillar of Star Trek (Enterprise). Granted, Captain Jonathan Archer's style of preaching was a little dry and the stories didn't stack up to those told in Deep Space Nine and the Next Generation, but Captain Archer did carry the word of Starfleet Command with which means that you and I are in no position to judge the method of delivery. We simply have to hear the words and obey. Everything else is just simply Borg material.

Now, when I heard the news that Enterprise was being canceled, I knew something rotten was going to happen. To top things off, the channel that claims to cherish the Message, Cartoon Network, stopped airing new episodes of Justice League Unlimited as delivered to through the Prophet Bruce Timm. I set down my copy of the Batman Chronicles and told our deacons, "now they've done it. Within a few years gas will be $4 a gallon, people will begin losing their homes and the stock market will crash". It turns out I was right.

You see, this is simple logic. When a nation turns its back on the JLA and Starfleet, Starfleet and the JLA will turn their backs on us. While I do believe that there was some Ferangi involvement in this sub-prime mortgage and inflated stocks scandal, it is our nation's reluctance to give itself over to the Five Pillars of Star Trek and the teachings of the Batman that is the cause of all our woes.

Dear Reverend High Priest,

I'm really worried about our economy. The news seems like it's much worse than most of think. Is there anything we can do to ward off imminent disaster and total destruction?

-Concerned Follower of Batgirl's Righteous Path

Dear Concerned,

First off, imminent disaster and total destruction are unavoidable. However, there is good news to found within the Five Pillars of Star Trek. If we busy ourselves preparing the way, the Vulcans are going to land in Montana and all of those who believed in Captain James T. Kirk will be saved. Make no mistake, those who laugh at the Star Trek scriptures now will be crying later. They'll be beating on the doors of the Vulcan shuttlepod and asking for forgiveness. But the Vulcans will not hear them; for their fate will be sealed.

As for our economy, I can only tell you that we, as a nation, have strayed from the founding principles of the United Federation of Planets. This is why we are experiencing such woes. The only way we are going to restore this country to its formal glory is to put Captain Jean Luc Picard back in our schools. Once the public begins confessing their sins to Starfleet Command and praying to our Holy Starfleet Captains, our spirtual lives will become whole again and our economy will follow.


Dear Reverend Elvis D,

We cannot see how you can continue to spread lies about any Starfleet Captain other than Captain Kirk. Jean Luc Picard was a fraud and the real Trekiologists are still waiting for a real Starfleet Captain to come and lead the Enterprise on a new mission to explore strange new worlds and seek out new civilizations. Do you have any proof to offer us that can show Picard was the prophesied Captain that the original scriptures fortold?

- The Only First Officer was Mr. Spock

Dear Only,

Yes, we can prove it. If you look to the scriptures, you'll see that Star Trek Next Generation 1:1 says:

For Captain Picard so loved the Federation He stood on the bridge of the Enterprise and spoke to the masses, "Let's see what this Galaxy-class starship can do".

I think it's plain to see from this verse that Jean Luc Picard was a Starfleet Captain and that every word He says is the literal truth. Just remember that if you add something the scriptures, the Borg will add a body part to you just as if you take away from the scriptures, the Borg will take a body part from you.

Dear High Priest of Eternal Rightousness,

We have a little bit of money that we are thinking of using to invest in our future. Are there any stocks or bonds you recommend buying?

- In Love with Captain Janeway's Wisdom

Dear In Love,

Money is the root of all evil and it is immoral to have too much of it, unless of course you are Bruce Wayne or Ollie Queen- and you're not.

So what we recommend you do with this money is give it all to us. We can use this money to study the evil it creates and lobby our politicians to launch World War 3 so that the Vulcans will come to earth a little early and save those of us who believe in the Word of Star Trek and DC Comics from a world infested by Borg automatons and Dominion shape-shifters. We accept cash, checks, money orders and credit cards.


The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets thanks you for submissions. As always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Two Counts of Heresy from this Year's Election (and yes, we're keeping count)

So here, we have somebody who has superimposed John McCain's head on our beloved Starfleet Captain, James T. Kirk. As if any mere mortal can come anywhere close to being our revered Captain Kirk. And a Gorn ally with a McCain sign! Where is a stake and some matches when you need 'em. I mean how much more offensive can this get?

Well....



Here we have a presidential candidate claiming to be born on Krypton. And he claims he's the son of Jor-El on top of that. There is only one Superman and it is in His grace that we dwell. This is so offensive that it damn near burned out my eyeballs.

Friends, I tell you. If this nation doesn't clean up it's act, we are all going to perish and the Vulcans are never going to land in Montana. If we don't stop mocking our Heroes and start getting serious about the lessons that are taught to us through the Five Pillars of Star Trek and DC Comics, we will never see the United Federation of Planets. Instead, the Borg and the Dominion will be fighting over our smoldering ashes for control of the Alpha Quadrant. Nothing could present a more serious threat.

A High Priestly Moralistic-ish Hat Tip to the Godfather for alerting us to this perilous new development.

The Biggest Threat Facing Our Country: Names of Sports Teams

Last year, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays became just the Rays and we're sure that people who read the comic book known as the Holy Bible are thrilled. And they should be. How offensive is it to have a major league sports team celebrating one of your most notorious arch-villains.

Yet, as usual, no one cares about our sensibilities. I'm sure no one cared that a "Devil Ray" also represents the Black Manta, a supervillian whose primary goal is the eminent destruction of Aquaman. New York and San Francisco house "the Giants"- like people everywhere shouldn't live in prepetual fear of Giganta and her sinful wrath. I mean millions of DC Comicticians around the nation are forced every fall to stand by and watch as the Pittsburgh Penguins roll out onto the ice for a game of professional hockey.

This has to stop. The Penguin is no laughing matter and every time Pittsburgh excels toward the Stanley Cup, we are teaching our children that it is OK to turn our backs on the Batman and His teachings to embrace one of his deadliest foes. Should any decent society tolerate the shameless promotion of a dangerous criminal like Oswald Cobblepot?

And while we're on the subject, this church commands you to root for the Tampa Bay Rays should they win because supporting an NL team like the Philedelphia Phillies amounts to apostacy and uncouth moral depravity. Two reasons:

1) No pitcher should be forced to bat. A wise man once said, a nation can be judged by how it treats it's professional league pitchers. What does this say when an entire league makes a guy bat when he needs that arm to throw 90 mile an hour fastballs?

2) When we speak of the Justice League, we speak of the Justice League of America- not the Justice League of the National. I think it's clear which baseball league our Heroes want us to support: the American League.

(We hereby repeal this commandment in advance and retract these statements should the New York Yankees win the pennant in the near future.)

In the meantime, we need to get those petitions and protest signs ready so that we may force the Pittsburgh Penguins to become something a little less offensive like the Pittsburgh Martian Manhunters and convince San Francisco to go from the Giants to the San Francisco Starfleet Captains.

Tags:
Tampa Bay Rays, Baseball, World Series, Pittsburgh Penguins

Missing from the Debates

People are always asking me, "Reverend D., can you prove to us that our nation is controlled by Borg automatons as you're always telling us?" And they ask it with sincerity as if I have to prove anything to heathens, heretics, and non-believers. I obtain my knowledge through Elders who obtain their knowledge through the Five Pillars of Star Trek and then I administer that knowledge to those who seek to have their thirst for Truth quenched.

But if non-believers insist on proof that everything taught to us by the Prophet Gene Roddenberry is the literal Truth then I will point those people in the direction of the metric system; or the lack thereof here in the United States.

Let's look at the metric system. Here is a system that is easy to understand and calculate. It's based on a set of tens. A kilometer is 1000 meters, a centimeter is 1/100 of a meter, and a milliliter is 1000th af a liter. It's simple and it's easy. Most importantly it's what is used in the only running television show that tried to teach you about the mysteries of life and how you need to live it almost every week from 1966 to 1969 and from 1987 to 2005. Yes, when Captain Picard spoke of distances, He spoke of kilometers.

But what do we have here in the US? We have the customary system. Instead of using the meter and its principles of tens, we use the size of some old king's foot as a standard of measurement. Then we have the inch which is one twelfth of a foot, a yard equaling three feet. Instead of something simple like kilometer to the meter, we get: 1 mile= 5,280 feet.

Now I ask you. Why in the hell would Americans be so resistant to change from this "36 inches equals a fuckin' yard" to a measurement system that actually makes some damn sense?

The answer is a four letter word and it's spelled B-O-R-G. What a better way to keep Terrans down and prevent us from knowing the Truth that comes from knowing the Federation than to boogle our minds with a system that cave people came up with when they were trying to figure out who had the biggest clubs or how much saber bear they were supposed to consume during a meal.

You never heard Captain Jean Luc Picard tell His helm to take the Enterprise 5 miles away from an imploding supernova did you. That's all the proof you need.


Tags:
Metric System, U.S., Customary System, Foot

Beth Walker Will Protect Us From the Joker

The First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens gladly stands behind Beth Walker for the Supreme Court of Appeals here in the state of West Virginia. Hell, we really admire this woman. Anyone who can get up on TV and say they believe in some wimpy-ass hero called God who doesn't have heat ray vision or the tactical knowledge to lead a Galaxy-class starship into battle with a Borg armada has got to have something going for them.

Besides, we are convinced that Beth can rid this state once and for all of the Legion of Doom. These criminals she speaks of have been coddled too long if you ask us and West Virginia has become a haven for supervillains. Why do you think the Black Manta placed his new headquarters right off the shores of the Kanawha? With Beth on the Supreme Court we can chase him back to the Atlantic where Aquaman can deal with him and that, friends, is something worth fighting for.

I tell you, all these liberal activist judges who impose their values on everyone (instead of imposing ours) have got to go. Everytime a child is forbidden to pray to the Almighty Batman to keep his school safe from the Penguin and his deadly umbrellas, the Legion of Doom scores a victory at the expense of Justice League of America loving citizens like us. Beth will serve to protect our values and our families from Gorilla Grodd and his treacherous mind beams. Is their anything that could be more important than that?

We love Batgirl and we aren't afraid to stand up and say it in public. The activist judges who love the Joker and Lex Luthor's plan for world domination can't stop us. This what true freedom is all about.

Let the Christians tear down the wall between church and state and then we can replace their bogus philosophies, pictureless comic books, and weak heroes with the real Truth that can only come from DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek.

So if you're going to vote this year vote against the Legion of Doom and their attempts to drag all of West Virginia down into the bowels of Arkham Asylum. It's not just our state that is at risk; but our eternal souls that yearn to one day see the Hall of Justice when we reach the afterlife.


Tags:
Beth Walker, West Virginia, Justice, God, Second Amendment

Preistlyish-like Hat Tip to my man, Chris James at A Sour Apple Tree for directing me toward the inspirational documentary above.

Make That 36- McCain/Palin '08

The First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets proudly joins with 35 other tax-exempt churches' pastors to endorse McCain/Palin for the White House. The IRS can kiss our Justice League-loving asses because we are not going to pay taxes, but we are going to help throw this election and see to it that this damn wall protected by secular humanist liberals which separates church and state falls even harder than the one the commies built to divide the city of Berlin, Germany.

If we can't have Dick Cheney, a real man of the people, we'll settle for Sarah Palin. It's time for us to bury the hatchet (at least until this election election is over) with all those pictureless comic book fans who tell lies and spread falsehoods about prophets, saviors, and a God who can't even pilot a starship. We need to focus on the one thing we have in common: creating a theocracy and bringing about the end of the world as we know it. Maybe we can even cut a deal: they can hang their witches and devil worshipers if we can burn Dominion sympathizors to the stake and round up all the suspected changlings and place them in front of a few firing squads.

Now, you're probably wondering why would support a guy whose more than likely linked directly to the Borg Queen herself and a woman who takes her marching orders directly from Gorilla Grodd and Poison Ivy and other notorious card-carrying members of the Legion of Doom.

Well, here's our reasons:

1) With fundamentalist Christians at the helm we have have a better change of unleashing our nuclear arsenal on the rest of the world. And like us, they would destroy all those useless cities and incinerate all those people in the name of peace and love. The only difference is that they believe Jesus Christ will come down on a cloud to set things right; whereas we know the Truth as taught to us by the Prophet Gene Roddenberry. The Vulcans will be the ones coming, not Jesus. I mean, you ever heard of a warp-powered cloud? I hardly think so. When the Vulcans arrive even the Christians will be forced to embrace their logic.


2) Governor Palin's overwhelming and superior knowledge of foreign policy. Let's the face the facts: from 1922 to 1991, the Soviet Union practically acted as a beacon sending messages to the Borg Collective's home world over in the Delta Quadrant feeding them information on how best to conquer the Alpha Quadrant. That threat is still with us today and Palin has single-handedly kept the Soviet Premier Vladamir Putin from invading and taking over the state of Alaska where they would undoubtedly hand it over to the Borg for assimilation.


3) The daily threats we face from the Borg, the Dominion, Lex Luthor, the Rouges Gallery, the Romulans, and the Joker cannot be handled by a bunch of wimpy ass, liberal, lefty socialists who foolishly believe that you can bring about peace, love and equality by promoting peace, love and equality. We join hands with the pictureless comic books fans in acknowledging that the only way to create a better world is to bomb the living shit out of every living thing on the planet. It's the only way to show them how much we love them and how we want them to join us and how we want their quality of life to be just as good as our own.

4) The most important reason we are supporting McCain/Palin in contrast to some of the sermons we have been preaching is because we are the leaders of you church and you don't question our decisions. We believe in democracy and the American way; therefore we give your orders and you follow them. We tell you how to think and you obey. This, friends, is true freedom and if you haven't learned this simple fact by now, say "Hi" to the Riddler when you're locked up in Arkham Asylum for all eternity.

There you have it. Now, get your weekly church contributions in immediately so we can help install an administration that will bring us another eight years of peace and prosperity.


Tags:
McCain/Palin, 2008, Putin, Borg, Nukes, Vulcans

Conversations with Batman

As I walk the beach on a cool summer evening I find myself sitting upon a rock and sitting in silence.

I meditate and try to feel the strength that flows from the Green Lantern's might. I picture myself floating in the center of the universe near the planet Oa; where the Guardians first gave life to the Green Lantern Corps. I feel their cause of justice flow through me like a warm breeze, but it brings me no peace. If I were to be handed a Green power ring, would I find it? My very being yearns for this peace like a drowning clown yearns to shed his floppy shoes so that he may gracefully move his body forward and kick his way through the water to safety.

I begin walking again in the empty land of nature's music. I stare out upon the ocean and a voice cries out through my mouth from an unwilling soul that rests within my weary body, "Batman! What is this all for?"

There is no answer.

So I keep on walking in search of the Eternal Meaning. A brief glance into the sky brings forth but a shimmer of the Batsignal in the clouds and my heart takes this as a sign that the Bat is indeed with me. I can't see His footprints so perhaps He is carrying me or maybe he has a new car that doesn't leave no tracks. For I am riding shotgun where the Boy Wonder should be sitting.

So I ask Him, "Batman, what is the meaning of life?" He doesn't respond or even look in my small direction, but I'm sure that he is there; nurturing my doubts and guiding me through times of trouble. Again I am silent, for the Batman is with me. What more could I need?

Here, I am safe from the Joker and the laughing gas..........



To be continued.

Special Election Coverage 2008: Voting Pro-Protouniverse

The November election is almost upon us and we ask you, have you given any thought today to the right of the protouniverse to exist?

We've told you this once before, but we must reiterate our orders. You have to vote pro-protouniverse if you want to avoid the pain, agony and damnation of being linked to Borg collective for all eternity. This isn't a request. If you want to walk with Starfleet and commune with your righteous fellows of this church, we expect you to take our orders about voting seriously.

The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how our beloved Captain Benjamin Sisko made the choice and He chose life protecting the proto-universe at all costs (Star Trek DS9 2:17). Therefore, we demand that His example be written into law so that we may force our beliefs on everyone because ours are the only beliefs that are true.

Is it too much to ask for you to get and line and vote the right way? Look at all the sacrifices Captain Sisko has made for you by defending our way of life from the Dominion. All we're asking is that you check out every candidate from county commissioner to assessor to state senator to the presidency and find out where they stand on the rights of the protouniverse. Find out whether they support the protouniverse's right to exist or whether they believe that these infant universes should be eliminated on demand. We don't want universe killers running our government. Do we? Do we want nine Supreme Court Justices who would vote to kill the beginnings of an entire universe? No. And we don't want them running our school boards either.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Reverend D., what about the economy, the environment, our national infrastructure?" And my reply is- what do you think the Borg would do to our economy? They don't use money and they don't have no need for roads. As for the environment, have you ever seen a planet after a Borg invasion? You can't argue with this logic. No, friends, protecting the right of the protouniverse to exist is the greatest mission upon which we can embark.

So you need to know where the candidates stand on this important issue. It is the only issue that you as a non commissioned officer need concern yourself. Don't worry about this life. If you vote the way we instruct you, the next life will be filled with the pleasure and joy that comes from serving aboard the Enterprise E with Captain Picard or on Deep Space Nine with Captain Sisko and Major Kira; a life free from pain and high gas prices and a slumping economy and all those commie Borg collaborators running our media outlets- the ones who pretend a nation's well being is more important than Federation values.

Remember your priorities, friends. That's all we ask.


Tags:
Pro-life Voting, Election '08, Right to Life, Candidates, Religion, Republicans

Special Election Coverage '08: Putting the Truth About Creation Back in Our Schools

The news reports that vice-presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, wants creationism taught in public schools. In case you're unfamiliar with this term, "creationism" means teaching kids that some guy with big white beard created the heavens and the earth all by himself in seven days. The story of creationism comes from the pictureless comic book known as the Holy Bible and it includes an account of how this guy who calls himself God and goes by the superhero name "Jehovah" created men (Adam) out of some dust and women (Eve) by ripping out one of Adam's ribs.

Simple logic can dispel this madness. First of all, we know that God never enlisted in Starfleet, was never promoted to captain, and was never put in charge of a Galaxy-class starship. This smacks against everything that a true believer holds dear. If someone can't lead an armada to fight the Borg, then how can he lead the creation of a planet? I mean let's think about this for a minute.

Second, there is no indication that God had access to a tricorder. How are we supposed to believe that this medical wonder could have occurred with out the use of this indispensable technology? The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how Commander Data created life when he made his daughter. It is sheer blasphemy to suggest that any being could rival the intelligence and ingenuity of the Federation's only functioning android. I think it's safe to say that this Jehovah guy couldn't even create an interesting holosuite, let alone a world. And if he could, why the hell didn't he? For that matter, why didn't he take a couple extra days to invent photon torpedoes and starships? Was he unaware of the hostile aliens which live within the borders of the Gamma and Delta Quadrants?

An omniscient being? I hardly think so.

Lastly, it is an affront to our faith and the Truth to suggest that Captain Jean Luc Picard was wrong in His discoveries on how life began on earth. The scriptures teach us that our DNA was programmed to evolve by a group of conscientious aliens and Captain Picard was whisked back in time by Q to witness the first combustion that would eventually lead to intelligent beings. It's right there in the episodes, people. How much clearer does it need to be?

This is what we want taught in our schools. We need to rid ourselves of Darwin and Palin and get straight down to the facts. If only our children could be made to pray to Starfleet and watch the Next Generation episode "All Good Things...." everyday for twelve straight years. Anything less would be offensive and intolerable to us. We won't stand for heretical teachings in our public schools without a balance that is sensitive to those who believe that the Vulcans are on their way to bring peace and restore the planet.


Tags:
God, Sarah Palin, Creationism, Darwin, Public Schools

A Prayer for Humility

At the request of my man, Jackie, we would would like to repost this very sacred prayer so that people everywhere can have something in their lives that will bring them a little bit closer to the Hall of Justice.


Now friends, let us bow our heads in prayer.

Dear Hawkgirl, who art from Thanagar, hallow be thy name.

We ask you to help us through our errors and mistakes that we make as we dwell in this sector. For we are only mortals beneath the glorious grace of the Justice League's watchful eye. Please guide us through these perilous times and help us to avoid the temptations laid out for us by the Legion of Doom and their deadly mind control beams.

We understand the trials and tribulations that you were forced to undergo when the Thanagarians invaded this planet. We understand how difficult the choice must have been having to choose between your people and your friends in the Justice League. We can only hope to have but a mere ounce of your courage and your strength as we struggle with problems that pale in comparison to your own.

Oh mighty Hawkgirl, we praise and honor you daily and ask that you continue to spread your wings over the quadrant. We ask that you continue to smash the bad guys, falling asteroids, and all those who would choose to oppose our beliefs with your powerful mace.

In the name of justice and all that is Holy we pray to you,

Amen.

Tags:
Hawkgirl, Shayera Hol, Humility, Prayer

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 8

In the comic book world of the Holy Bible, in the pictureless graphic novel known as "the New Testament" they tell a story about a woman known as the Virgin Mary. We don't know if this was her superhero name, but there are also references to her as the Madonna. So we can't be sure what name she went by or if she wore a cowl and leather when she became "the Madonna" because the people who published these comics weren't considerate enough to draw us any pictures- any faith that doesn't consider this stuff important is doomed to failure.

What we do know is that Mary is considered a hero to the people who read these comic books. She didn't seem to be much of a crime fighter, but she did endure quite a bit throughout her life.

One superpower she does seem to have is the ability to impregnate herself without a partner which would be an indispensable quality if we needed to quickly form an army of people to fight off the Legion of Doom. Within two or three years, she could have popped out four new Teen Titans. But, as far as we know, she never signed up to become a member of the Justice League so all that talent was wasted on some guy who came here to bring peace.

A story of interest is the one where she was pregnant and she went with her new husband to find a hiding place from some supervillian named King Herod. Apparently, Herod had all the newborns around him killed because some fortune teller told him that a baby was about to born who would eventually rule all the nations including his own. Mary and her new sidekick, Joseph, eventually found Bethlehem where she gave birth to Jesus and then kept him safe for a team of shepherds to visit after following a star or a flare from a gun- we're not sure which because, again, there are no pictures to illustrate what really happened.

Now, just imagine if the Black Canary were in this situation instead of Mary.

If some supervillian had put out a death threat on the Black Canary, She would have kicking people's asses all over the Mediterranean. Pregnant or not, any soldier who approached Her would be picking up their teeth and rolling around on the floor to keep from drowning in their own blood.

The Black Canary would have went straight to the source and rode her bike on over to the palace and cornered King Herod just before tattooing his face with her knuckles. She'd be kicking "the King" all over his bedroom and bashing his head into walls. For the grand encore, she would have let off a siren wail that would would have brought the entire castle to the ground. There wouldn't have been a guard in that palace that would have been able to stop Her. The ones brave enough to face Her would quickly fall and the rest would have run off screaming like babies and pissing in their tunics.

So you see, the choice here is obvious. In a really tight spot would rather have have the Virgin Mary come to aid or would you want the Black Canary to come screaming onto the scene to rescue you and make all of your enemies pay. I mean immaculate conception is nice, but it ain't nothing compared to a glass shattering scream followed by some ass-kicking judo.

A Few Revisions

Friends,

I'm sure you noticed we've been away. The Elders and I have been gone these past few weeks because we have been consulting an independent citizens' panel on how better to run this holy institution and how to herd more sheep into that glorious place that the world knows as the Hall of Justice; a place where all your worries and fears will smother in the shadow of the Batman, Wonder Woman and the JLA.

Here are the panel's major recommendations:

1) They have suggested that we raise our salaries by 33% and cut our actual working months down to two. Now, if that sounds like a state legislature near you, it's probably just a coincidence.

2) They have told us that our membership fees are too low and that we need to raise the premiums on our members. They seem to think that we're not being competitive enough with other major faiths. Afterall, every good capitalist knows that competition breeds innovation especially when it's done on the backs of those who can least afford it. Mix religion with capitalism and what you have is a Molotov cocktail ready to explode and spread a zealous fire of pure righteousness.

3) Lastly, this panel feels that we're not emphasizing enough negativity in our sermons. This also has to do with competition. Other faiths scare their people with some boring place called hell when we have the Borg Collective and Arkham Asylum to hang over people's heads. I mean let's face it. Hell looks like a really fun Halloween party compared to being spread out on on operating table by Borg drones and having your eyeballs pulled out of your head with no anesthesia or any access to Vicoden.

So in the upcoming months we plan to implement these new suggestions in order to run a more effective soul saving operation. If you're not happy with these changes, think about how much you would enjoy having your arms and legs ripped off and replaced with the latest Borg technology.

All Praise Be to Hawkgirl for the light that this panel has shown to us and the world.

McCain's VP Pick

Now that everyone knows who Barack Obama has chosen to run with him on the presidential ticket, it's time for the First Church released the information we've obtained concerning Republican candidate John McCain's choice for VP.



Here is who McCain will choose to run with him on his ticket:





So now we know why he's called the "green" Republican. His commitment to offshore drilling threw everyone for a loop, but we knew the real motives behind his attempt to take the White House. Once Poison Ivy is in the vice-president's mansion, the executive branch will settle for nothing less than the total annihilation of the Dynamic Duo.

If that isn't bad enough, we've also got pictures of McCain talking to some of the folks he plans to appoint to his cabinet:




Another Legion of Doom/Borg ticket. What a surprise.

The need for us to get those signatures together and draft Dick Cheney has never been greater. We know Cheney is also a Legion of Doom sympathizer and Borg operative. But at least with Dick in the White House, we can at least look forward to World War 3 followed by the Rapture that will come when the Vulcans land in Montana.

Friends, call now and get those prayers and donations in. The end times are near and what we do this November could decide the fate of the entire Alpha Quadrant.

Obama's VP Pick

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have learned who presidential candidate, Barack Obama, has chosen to be his running mate. The official announcement is planned for tomorrow.

Here he is:









This one's going to drive Hillary supporters nuts. Yes, Lex Luthor will be running with Senator Obama this fall and continue his war against Superman from the White House if elected. All those rumors about Obama being a "sleeper" were apparently true.

(We also know who John McCain is choosing for his running mate. That information will be released to the public this weekend as soon as church documents have been prepared.)

May the Justice League of America bless us all in this dire time of need.

The Five Pillars of Star Trek

People are always asking themselves: just what are the Five Pillars of Star Trek?

No, they aren't the five movies that were worth a shit: Wrath of Khan, Search for Spock, Undiscovered Country, Generations, and First Contact.

They are: The Original Series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise. Each contains the literal Truth and each demands that you live a life of humility, a life worthy of Starfleet. Everything else that strays from the tenants of the Five Pillars is either produced by shape-shifters or strategically placed by the Borg and their sympathizors to lead people down the path of assimilation. Any questioning of the purity behind the Five Pillars means eternal separation from the United Federation of Planets and this, my friends, is worse than being reincarnated as a Klingon targ destined to be used for target practice in the woods somewhere on Romulus.


Now, you will meet some Orthodox Trekiologists, who believe that the scriptures ended with the conclusion of Captain James T. Kirk's original five year mission aboard the USS Enterprise. They cling to old ways and focus solely on the first Enterprise's mission of warding off hostile aliens from Sector 001. They fail to embrace the message of enhanced peace, mutual acceptance, and interspecies love that was first offered to us through the Next Generation and Captain Jean Luc Picard as well as the Holy Starfleet Captains who followed. It is important that we not reject the teachings of Captain Kirk, but we must also realize that Captain Picard was given to us by Starfleet to expand upon His mission. We must remember that Captain Benjamin Sisko risked His life to keep us safe from the influences of the Dominion and that Captain Kathryn Janeway devised the Only Plan that could keep us from being eaten alive by enzymes spat from the wicked mouthes of Species 8472. And of course, there is Captain Jonathan Archer who helped to forge the alliance that we now know as the Federation. Something so many Terrans take for granted these days.

Unfortunately, friends, these hardcore "TOS" orthodox types won't learn the real Truth until they're forced to fight the Dominion while their brains are hardwired to a dark alcove inside a Borg Cube floating through the space where the Gamma Quadrant meets the Delta Quadrant. There's no point in trying to argue with them or teach them that in the 24th century the Klingons will become our allies.

We must learn to study all five Pillars if we are to follow a path of righteousness. We must recognize the sacrifices of not just Captain Kirk, but of Commander Riker, Lieutenant Dax, and Ensign Kim. We must seek to understand that everything Captain Janeway stands for is pure and holy. Most importantly, we must acknowledge that every word in every episode from the Five Pillars is the literal truth. When the scriptures teach us that the Eugenics Wars happened in the 1990s- then that's exactly what it means. Stop asking questions and experience the joy that comes from accepting Starfleet Command as your only savior.


Redemption is our business here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. We are here to interpret the literal Truth behind the Star Trek scriptures for you so that your busy lives won't be burdened with too much unnecessary thinking.

Remember, there is no need to yearn for the things you deserve in this life because those who Believe in the Five Pillars of Star Trek will be commissioned aboard the Enterprise in the next. If there is any way we can help, please let us know.

Your God Can Heal the Dying? Give Us A Break

I was checking out one of websites of that Biblical comic book enthusiast, Dr. Pat Robertson. Afterall, despite all the nonsense these folks peddle, occasionally the Christians will put up a picture or two of King David kicking someone's ass. And while we don't fully understand their foolish devotion to a jealous God who does shit like flood the whole planet when he should be putting his skills to work stopping diabolical criminals from destroying life as we know it, we do appreciate their attempt to present their stories in a way that civilized people can understand them- with cartoon drawings and speech balloons.

But then I came across an article so filled with blasphemy and heretical thinking that it immediately was brought to my attention.

A majority of Americans believe that God can intervene when a family member is dying, according to a new survey.

University of Connecticut researchers found that 57 percent the people they polled believe God can save a dying family member. They also found that more than 20 percent of doctors and medical workers felt that God can change a hopeless situation.

The study also points out that doctors should respect families who are hoping and praying for miracles through divine intervention.

"Sensitivity to this belief will promote development of a trusting relationship" with patients and their families, according to researchers.

Setting aside for the moment the proven fact that God has never commanded a Galaxy-class starship or applied for admission into Starfleet Academy or even submitted his name to be added to the Justice League of America's roster, we feel that this is a blatant and disgusting attempt by the Biblical comic book readers to imitate the one and only Dr. Leonard McCoy.

The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how Dr. "Bones" McCoy could heal the wounded and sick against all odds. And yet here are these people out there praying to some God who's probably busy planning to infest some poor old farmer's land with a swarm of locusts, when they should be sending their prayers directly through subspace to Dr. McCoy instead. I mean who knows better about how to change a hopeless situation then the crew of the original USS Enterprise? God? I hardly think so.

Friends, we must remember what the scriptures teach us: Bones is a doctor, not a bricklayer. His commitment to persevering the lives of sentient beings is beyond reproach. Yet, so many fail to heed the Word of Starfleet and listen to the simple message that the Prophet Gene Roddenberry has tried to pass on to humanity.

So the next time you have a dying loved one in the hospital, tell the nurses to start yanking out the plugs and stop all the treatments because with just enough faith in the Truth that can only come from the Five Pillars of Star Trek one can bring the real Doctor into the office and only then will lives be saved.