Monday, September 22, 2008

Special Election Coverage 2008: Voting Pro-Protouniverse

The November election is almost upon us and we ask you, have you given any thought today to the right of the protouniverse to exist?

We've told you this once before, but we must reiterate our orders. You have to vote pro-protouniverse if you want to avoid the pain, agony and damnation of being linked to Borg collective for all eternity. This isn't a request. If you want to walk with Starfleet and commune with your righteous fellows of this church, we expect you to take our orders about voting seriously.

The Star Trek scriptures teach us of how our beloved Captain Benjamin Sisko made the choice and He chose life protecting the proto-universe at all costs (Star Trek DS9 2:17). Therefore, we demand that His example be written into law so that we may force our beliefs on everyone because ours are the only beliefs that are true.

Is it too much to ask for you to get and line and vote the right way? Look at all the sacrifices Captain Sisko has made for you by defending our way of life from the Dominion. All we're asking is that you check out every candidate from county commissioner to assessor to state senator to the presidency and find out where they stand on the rights of the protouniverse. Find out whether they support the protouniverse's right to exist or whether they believe that these infant universes should be eliminated on demand. We don't want universe killers running our government. Do we? Do we want nine Supreme Court Justices who would vote to kill the beginnings of an entire universe? No. And we don't want them running our school boards either.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Reverend D., what about the economy, the environment, our national infrastructure?" And my reply is- what do you think the Borg would do to our economy? They don't use money and they don't have no need for roads. As for the environment, have you ever seen a planet after a Borg invasion? You can't argue with this logic. No, friends, protecting the right of the protouniverse to exist is the greatest mission upon which we can embark.

So you need to know where the candidates stand on this important issue. It is the only issue that you as a non commissioned officer need concern yourself. Don't worry about this life. If you vote the way we instruct you, the next life will be filled with the pleasure and joy that comes from serving aboard the Enterprise E with Captain Picard or on Deep Space Nine with Captain Sisko and Major Kira; a life free from pain and high gas prices and a slumping economy and all those commie Borg collaborators running our media outlets- the ones who pretend a nation's well being is more important than Federation values.

Remember your priorities, friends. That's all we ask.



Malach the Merciless said...

I am voting for . . .

Let's just say Martian Manhunter this time.

Anne Johnson said...

Dear Reverend:

Please continue your fatwa against Sarah Palin. In the name of the Great Batman, amen.

Chris James said...

When the Holy Captains watch us in the voting booth, what sort of technology do they use? Powerful tricorders? External starship sensors? A Betazoid?