Friday, September 12, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 8

In the comic book world of the Holy Bible, in the pictureless graphic novel known as "the New Testament" they tell a story about a woman known as the Virgin Mary. We don't know if this was her superhero name, but there are also references to her as the Madonna. So we can't be sure what name she went by or if she wore a cowl and leather when she became "the Madonna" because the people who published these comics weren't considerate enough to draw us any pictures- any faith that doesn't consider this stuff important is doomed to failure.

What we do know is that Mary is considered a hero to the people who read these comic books. She didn't seem to be much of a crime fighter, but she did endure quite a bit throughout her life.

One superpower she does seem to have is the ability to impregnate herself without a partner which would be an indispensable quality if we needed to quickly form an army of people to fight off the Legion of Doom. Within two or three years, she could have popped out four new Teen Titans. But, as far as we know, she never signed up to become a member of the Justice League so all that talent was wasted on some guy who came here to bring peace.

A story of interest is the one where she was pregnant and she went with her new husband to find a hiding place from some supervillian named King Herod. Apparently, Herod had all the newborns around him killed because some fortune teller told him that a baby was about to born who would eventually rule all the nations including his own. Mary and her new sidekick, Joseph, eventually found Bethlehem where she gave birth to Jesus and then kept him safe for a team of shepherds to visit after following a star or a flare from a gun- we're not sure which because, again, there are no pictures to illustrate what really happened.

Now, just imagine if the Black Canary were in this situation instead of Mary.

If some supervillian had put out a death threat on the Black Canary, She would have kicking people's asses all over the Mediterranean. Pregnant or not, any soldier who approached Her would be picking up their teeth and rolling around on the floor to keep from drowning in their own blood.

The Black Canary would have went straight to the source and rode her bike on over to the palace and cornered King Herod just before tattooing his face with her knuckles. She'd be kicking "the King" all over his bedroom and bashing his head into walls. For the grand encore, she would have let off a siren wail that would would have brought the entire castle to the ground. There wouldn't have been a guard in that palace that would have been able to stop Her. The ones brave enough to face Her would quickly fall and the rest would have run off screaming like babies and pissing in their tunics.

So you see, the choice here is obvious. In a really tight spot would rather have have the Virgin Mary come to aid or would you want the Black Canary to come screaming onto the scene to rescue you and make all of your enemies pay. I mean immaculate conception is nice, but it ain't nothing compared to a glass shattering scream followed by some ass-kicking judo.


Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, She Hulk would lose her Character if she was Mary

Chris James said...

Anne Johnson said...

Tweet tweet! Sign me up.

Jackie said...

Can I get Hawkgirl instead? She is smokin'!!! :D