Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 2

Today's lesson is about a comic book character the Judeo-Christian faith calls Noah. Now, Noah didn't have any aliases or at least none that we are aware of. And as pointed out before we aren't sure if Noah wore a cowl, a mask, or a cape because the people who wrote these comics weren't considerate enough to draw pictures so that the fans could know more about them.

What we do know about Noah is that he was warned in advance about a great flood that would wipe out humanity and life as we know it. The villain who created the rain that caused the flood is also this comic series' superhero called God aka Jehovah. People have to understand that it is strange to the DC Comictician how a superhero could be a villain all in the same issue. It's like trying to understand Anime or watching the Incredible Hulk TV show with Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno. Nevertheless, we're willing to accept the possibility that this Jehovah was taken over by Parallax or some other mind controlling parasite for a brief period.

Noah went out and tried to tell people about this coming flood and begged them to help him build an Ark which could save people and all animals- except the dinosaurs, who were pretty well fucked because of their enormous sizes. He was ignored (unless maybe people of that time wanted to show solidarity with the dinosaurs). We here at the First Church can understand what Noah was going through because we've tried warning people about the Legion of Doom building their base right here in America only to be scoffed and laughed at and told that we are crazy. We'll see who's laughing when Lex Luthor pulls out his chair in the Oval Office.

Anyway, the flood came and Noah sailed on his ark with his family and two of each kind of "acceptable" animal- a male and female of each. Then they landed at Mount Arafat and repopulated the planet without saving anyone else.

Now let's look at what would have happened if the Black Manta would have caused this flood and tipped Aquaman off ahead of time.

First of all, Aquaman wouldn't have wasted one minute trying to convince people of Black Manta's evil scheme. He knows that no one would listen and He would do what our Heroes have done since the multiverse was formed and save them all despite their disrespect and ungrateful ignorance.

He probably would have stopped the Black Manta dead in his tracks before a single raindrop fell. But if He didn't, He would have rode his seahorse through the tides and summoned every aquatic creature for a massive rescue operation. People everywhere would have been able to ride the backs of whales, sharks, and dolphins until it was safe. Even schools of small fish could have rallied to form little life boats if they ran out of whales. Every man, woman, and child would have been spared and the Black Manta would have been dragged off in handcuffs.

The most important lesson to learn here is that this would have been a selfless act on Aquaman's behalf because He would undoubtedly enjoy seeing the world become all ocean. That way He could rule the world as King of Atlantis. But like all DC Heroes, he does what is right at any cost with no expectation of gratitude from all the people He has saved.

Can Jewish and Christian people say the same of their Hero? I think not. Noah tried, but failed and then left people who wouldn't listen to drown while he sailed his ark to safety. And even if Parallax had taken over God's mind and body, there's no evidence that he did anything to try and stop the parasite from such an evil plan.

So Aquaman or Noah. Friends, who would you want on your side if death rained down from the sky and the earth filled up like a salt water aquarium? The choice seems obvious.

To be continued.........



The Film Geek said...

Effin' GREAT post! Seahorse and all!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

All praise Aquaman!!

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Thank you, Film Geek. Yes, Aquaman riding his seahorse along with his little buddy Aqualad is a sight to behold indeed.

And Ron, you've answered the question correctly.

Q: Noah or Aquaman?

A: Aquaman.

Congratulations, you have just won a seat for all eternity in the Hall of Justice. May the Martian Manhunter continue to bless you on your journey.

Rosie said...

In the Cherokee version of this story it's a dog that comes and tells the man to build the boat.

Of course, in the Anime world... giant mechas and cute little girls with big round eyes and purple hair are surely involved.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Well, Rosie, I hope the dog was more successful than Noah at getting folks to board the forty-day survival cruise.

Not that the guy didn't try, but I'm still confused as to why he didn't take this battle directly to the source- the "temporarily" mad Jehovah villain. Why didn't he knock him in the head a few times until he gave up this whole flood idea. The two heroes might have been good friends and all, but so were the Green Arrow and Hal Jordan. That didn't stop the Green Arrow from fighting the Parallax infested Green Lantern.

It just doesn't make any sense. I don't know, maybe the Christians understand- but the DC Comictician sure doesn't.

Chris James said...

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man to communicate with a fish, he learns from the fish where some sunken Spanish treasure awaits...

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Oh hell, yeah.

When the Elders get around to publishing our bible, we're going to have to include that verse:

"teach a man to communicate with fish........"

-Chris James II 3:16

AngryMan said...

I must say that Aquaman was not my favorite hero. But I agree, a DC man comes through in a pinch.

Buzzardbilly said...

"teach a man to communicate with a fish...." is brilliant (and possibly lucrative).

Buzzardbilly said...

PS. Malach gave you a great new blog buddy shout out on his blog yesterday http://www.rubbersuitstudios.com/dmdss/

Anne Johnson said...

What a thoughtful post. The more I think about it, the better your religion looks. Cuz you are right, no way would any superhero dither around and expect people to DIY. I may convert. Please send me your literature.

Elvis Drinkmo said...


We welcome you into the flock with open arms. Our literature can be found in your local comic store (just be sure to skip over the Marvel section).