Sunday, September 30, 2007

On Marriage

Fatwa #4:

A DC Comictician and Star Trekiologist is allowed to marry someone who reads Marvel Comics or watches Stargate Atlantis instead of the holy teachings handed down to us through Star Trek episodes. However, within six months of the union, your partner must fully embrace Barbara Gordon as the true Batgirl and accept their role as a citizen of the United Federation of Planets or it will be considered annulled by the Justice League, Starfleet, and this church.

According to the Salt Lake Tribune:

"All married couples fight, but those of the same religion are more able to prevent, resolve and overcome their conflicts, according to a study by Brigham Young University professor David Dollahite.

"'Couples who practice their faith together are more likely to remain committed to each other and the marriage when conflict does occur,' he says."

We couldn't agree more. How are people going to share their love and possibly raise a family when one believes in the righteous and true ways of Wonder Woman while the other believes in some far-fetched notion of a guy who scales walls like he's some kind of spider? We don't think it's possible. The conflicts that will inevitably arise between someone who believes that Kal-El, Clark Kent, was sent here from Krypton to save humanity from dastardly villains and someone who believes that the (not-so) Fantastic Four became "superheroes" because of some piloting accident will be too hard to resolve.

We're going to save you that trouble by ordering you to either convert wayward souls away from false heroes and fictional TV shows or divorce them if they do accept the Truth with a half-year's time. Like all major religions, we strive to spare you the burden of having to think for yourself.

It has been decided. All praise be to the Black Canary; may Her grace guide us all through of our struggles in Sector 001.


(For more on marriage, myth and divorce: check out this from Southern Beale.)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

So Much Prophesy, So Little Truth

The Elders and I have begun extensive research on what other comic fans think will take place in the future. We're curious as to how many people in this world realize the dangers posed by the Joker as well as Darkseid, Granny Goodness and the Borg Collective.

It's really disappointing to see how few people concern themselves with real villains these days. They seem to focus their energies on some half-ass, future criminal named the Anti-Christ. Together with his "crime boss" called Satan, an even sillier villain who has yet rob a single bank or jewelry store, this Anti-Christ is supposed to bring about peace and order through a one world government- hardly the work of evil masterminds like Mr. Freeze and the Scarecrow.

Take for example a site called Prophesy News Watch. Here they rant and rave about supposed signs of their two really lame supervillains' plot to spread their "evil" while totally ignoring the serious threat posed by Lex Luthor and the Legion of Doom.

Here's a sample from the site:

"We will monitor events from around the world of interest to Christians. Church trends, social issues such as abortion and homosexuality, Christian persecution, Christian entertainment and culture are just a sample of some of these topics.

"We will monitor world events that may not on the surface have a direct relationship to Bible prophecy but are important to keep an eye on. Examples include the the rise of Islamic influence in the world, China's emergence as a superpower and her conflict with Taiwan, natural disasters, signs in the heavens, emerging diseases such as bird flue and other globally impacting issues will be watched."

Now what's missing here?

1) The rise in the amount of people choosing to read Marvel Comics over DC Comics. More boys today are being named Peter (Parker); instead of Bruce (Wayne). And just as alarming is the amount of children who are now watching Anime instead of The Justice League Unlimited and Star Trek.

2) The amount of political leaders and entertainers who are most likely on the Legion of Doom's payroll.

3) The rise in sales of playing cards with the Joker's face in the deck and Degree deodorant, which advertise Captain Boomerang's symbol; as well as the growing presence of ice machines around hotel chains which are blatant symbols of Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold, and Killer Frost.

4) The possibility of
Apokolips becoming the next galactic, inter-dimensional superpower and the more immediate threat of the Dominion taking over the entire Alpha Quadrant if we fail to adequately safeguard the Bajoran wormhole.

5) The battle taking place between the Green Lantern Corps and the Sinestro Corps. Hal Jordon, John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rainer are working their asses off off to protect Sector 2814 from Sinistro's minions and here's Prophesy News Watch worrying about the goddamn bird flu.

I really wish more people would stop worrying about getting invitations to Satan's big Halloween party. They need to pull their heads out of their asses and start getting serious about the real threats to our way of life: the Legion of Doom, Darkseid, the Sinestro Corps, the Dominion, and the Borg.

The sooner we start addressing the real issues we face today, the sooner we can start solving the real problems of tomorrow.


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Ten New Commandments

After arguing about the absurdity of placing the Bible comic book's ten commandments in a courthouse in Kentucky, I received a message from Jonn Jones, the Martian Manhunter. Last night several Watchtower employees lifted me out of my slumber and pulled me up to where our Heroes meet in the sky. I was placed before the blinding light emitted by the inner perfection of our Superheroes and they told me what I had to do.

Jonn has informed me that it is sometimes better to imitate our rivals than to fight them (something that he no doubt learned from the Batman). So our Justice League and Justice Society heroes have put together ten new commandments for us to live by.

As High Priest of DC Comictology, I offer these commandments which should be followed by all those who wish to avoid Arkham Asylum in the afterlife.

1) You shall have no other superheroes before Us.

2) You shall not worship graven images pulled from Marvel comic books or those of Anime. We're not really jealous heroes, but We think that Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk are not up to the task of taking out the Joker.

3) You shall not use the name Mx***ptlk in vain or any other way because it conjures up a very dangerous villain. You may, however, say it backwards just for good luck.

4) There shall be no day set aside for rest because the Legion of Doom never rests. You must protect yourselves against them with the Word daily.

5) Honor your parents as you would the Amazons from the Island of Themyscira.

6) You shall not take a life of a supervillian or anyone else; for the decision to do that will be left to Us alone.

7) You shall not commit adultery unless you are from a planet or dimension that condones it.

8) You shall not conspire to rob banks or steal precious artifacts and jewelry.

9) You shall not bear false witness against members of the Justice League or the Justice Society or anyone who has chosen to accept Us as the guardians of this dimension and others.

10) You shall not covet Our superpowers nor envy any of the cool toys invented in the Batcave.

So saith the JLA. We expect these simple laws to be placed in the Mercer County courthouse down in Kentucky immediately.


Monday, September 24, 2007

Ask Guinan

Our role here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets is not just to educate people about the Truth, push our beliefs on everyone including the state, and beat our enemies into total submission. We are also here to help people through trying times in their lives by using the eternal wisdom that Starfleet Command and the Justice League of America have handed down to through the scriptures of DC Comics and the Five Holy Star Trek Shows.

So we've established subspace communications with the Enterprise and have asked Guinan to answer some of your difficult questions. For those unfamiliar with Guinan, she is an El-Aurian- a race known for their fine tuned listening skills.

From Wikipedia:

"Her wise counsel proves to be of great value to the crew at times. However, the full nature of her close relationship with Picard is never revealed, although she does indicate that Picard stood by her at a time when she was in serious trouble. Also she reveals that one of the first things she sees in men are their heads, having a fondness for bald men.

"Guinan reveals in Star Trek: Nemesis that she has been married 23 times. She states in 'Evolution' that she has many children, including a son who went through a phase when 'he wouldn't listen to anybody'—something unusual 'in a species of listeners'."

So if you have any questions for Guinan, please leave a comment or email the Elders at:

From there we will relay your problems to the Enterprise E and post Guinan's answers to you as soon as possible.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

On Watching Summer Movies

Fatwa #3: You are hereby forbidden by the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets to watch Ghost Rider or Fantastic Four- Rise of the Silver Surfer now that they are coming out on DVD. We also order our followers to throw tomatoes or other rotten vegetables at the producers of these two movies and block the doors to all video stores that would seek to spread these unholy ideas to the public through rentals.

This blasphemy must not be allowed to stand. These movies are an affront to everything we know to be decent and they are being used as cannons to launch impure ideas into the minds of our children.

First, Ghost Rider is far too close to resembling the dangerous supervillian, Atomic Skull, to be taken as anything other than unholiness in it's purest form. Taking the Atomic Skull lightly is a one-way ticket to the Legion of Doom's swamp.

Second, we know from the scriptures that there are only two heroes who can stretch, twist, and bend their bodies: the redoubtable Elongated Man and Plastic Man. This idea that Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic, flew a spaceship into some cosmic rays which transformed him and his colleagues is so far-fetched, I can't see how anyone can buy it. If he had completed a little bit of training at Starfleet Academy, his navigational skills wouldn't have been so sloppy- which means his values are far closer to that of Lex Luthor than those handed down to us by the Justice League of America.

It has been so decided by the elders. We offer praise to the Martian Manhunter for giving us the strength to stand up for what is right and to be rigidly intolerant of those who are different from us. All glory shall be in His name.

It is said.


Friday, September 21, 2007

The Ten Commandments Revisited

After reading about a courthouse in Kentucky which is allowed to keep those comic book frames called "The Ten Commandments" on their walls, I decided to look at those words from that comic book again:

1. You shall have no other gods before me.

2. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me,

3. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy. For six days you shall labour and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.

5. Honour your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

6. You shall not murder.

7. You shall not commit adultery.

8. You shall not steal.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.

They can't be serious! If the Borg decide to invade on a Saturday, we're supposed to just dock our ships, lay down our arms, and become assimilated? My dogs aren't even allowed to defend to me if the drones start breaking into our houses on the day these people call the Sabbath!

This is truly unbelievable. Rules 6, 8, and 9 could certainly be applied to our sacred Federation and DC values, but what about the rest of them? This jealous superhero they call God really needs to get a grip on himself. Punishing children for the inequity of their parents? Batgirl and Wonder Woman would never proclaim any such nonsense like that. Neither would Starfleet Captains Kathryn Janeway or Benjamin Sisko- I can assure you.

If there is textbook definition of insanity, the people who advocate enforcing these ten laws are it.


Thursday, September 20, 2007

What Are the Ten Commandments Really Going to Prove?

So here we go again.

People looking for that Jesus superhero to rescue them from evil have managed to hang a few frames out of their comic book called the Holy Bible in a courtroom in Kentucky. They call these frames "the Ten Commandments".

According to an article from a blog called Church and State:

"A federal court in Lexington, Ky., has ruled that the Ten Commandments can remain on display in the Mercer County courthouse, rejecting an attempt by the American Civil Liberties Union to have them removed.

"'This is a major victory for the people of Mercer County and for all Americans who don't buy into the ACLU's extreme misrepresentation of our Constitution,' said Francis J. Manion, senior counsel for the American Center for Law and Justice, which argued the case for the county."

Church and State administrator, Nathan Bradfield, hails the court's decision:

"It simply cannot be stated any clearer than that. Those who would argue that our Founders intended to begin a secular nation with secular documents are living a pipe dream."

He then goes on to say:

"When a person takes an honest the Christian worldview of the Founders, it is not difficult to see Christianity woven into the fabric of our founding documents. Denial of our Christian heritage does not make secularism true and thanks to solid, originalist judges, such as Judge Forrester, we will prevent radical leftists from re-writing our nation's history."

What is it with these people? Do they really believe that some words hanging on a wall are going to stop the Joker and the daily threats we face from the Legion of Doom? Well, hell no they aren't. I mean "Thou shall not kill" is nice and all, but that's what Killer Frost does and unless Jesus Christ plans on coming down here to take her out with some serious crime stopping equipment or at least gets accepted into the Green Lantern Corps, we're in some serious trouble.

I've demanded this before and I'll demand it again- we need to hang the Batsignal over every town in America. Prayer and the Ten Commandments aren't going to stop the Riddler from stealing precious jewelry and leaving riddles around town for us to solve, no! But throw the Batsignal up over all our courthouses and crime will decrease dramatically. It's just plain common sense. Plus, it would show our Justice League heroes in the Watchtower that we are still a DC Comics nation and that we seek their out their guidance and protection everyday of our lives.

Without the Justice League there can be no peace. And if we're going to pin all our hopes on someone who's only superpowers are walking on water, offering forgiveness, and turning water into wine then we might as well stick a crown on Gorilla Grodd's head and wave the Legion of Doom's flag over top of the White House.

We must pray daily that the Martian Manhunter will help our federal judges to make better decisions in the future.


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Evolution v. Creationism: The Answer is Simple

Those fans of that big, black comic book called the Holy Bible are at it again.

The big ordeal is over a single question. "Human beings, as we know them, developed from earlier species of animals: true or false?" According to New Scientist, the question is "splitting America apart".

Well, folks, the answer to this question is simple: we did evolve from single-celled organisms, but it was done by intelligent design.

We know the first to be true because Q took Captain Jean Luc Picard back to the beginning of life on earth where he witnessed the first two electrodes combusting to form life. It's right there in the show, people, how much clearer could it get?

We also know that our DNA came from a race called The Preservers. They scattered it around all the Class M planets throughout the galaxy (including the one in the Terran system or Sector 001- if you prefer) and programmed it to evolve into something that would walk upright and essentially resemble them. This was also made clear to us through Star Trek- The Next Generation.

So why all the fuss? The answers are right there. All we're required to do is give up all objectivity and reason and give in to faith and belief alone. It's so simple.

Please, please stop all the fighting and bow down before the warp drive. Surrender yourselves to the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet before you're forced to surrender to the Borg.

The answers are there we just have to accept them.

Hat Tip to All Click for alerting our Elders to this alarming new development.


Sunday, September 16, 2007

On Halloween Costumes

DC Comictician Fatwa #2

It is holy to dress your children up as our beloved heroes on Halloween, however we have decided that you can allow your children to dress up as villains too. We believe that having representations of the evil we face everyday walking around and asking for candy on one night of the year is a positive thing for all humanity. In fact, the Martian Manhunter would rather see your children dressed like the Joker than He would some false hero like Spiderman.

Children must learn the difference between good and evil, but dressing them up like Daredevil or the not so-Fantastic Four is only going to confuse them and cause them to ask too many questions. Confusion and questions lead to the swamp where the Legion of Doom hides their headquarters. They mustn't be pulled into Marvel's blasphemy, lest they start believing that Bruce Wayne was just another citizen of Gotham City and not the real Bat.

All praise be to Batgirl for helping us to see the JLA's wisdom and for continuing to guide us through a world filled with wicked clowns, bank robbers, and jewelry thieves.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

There Are Superheros and then There Are Superheroes

People who read that comic book called the Bible are getting offended over everything these days. In fact, they seem to be getting more and more like those Quran comic book fans over in Europe and the Middle East everyday. No sooner than an actor, a comedian, or a news anchor says something negative about one of their superheroes, they're all up in arms demanding censorship and making their hyper-sensibilities a national crisis.

First we've got people all worked over Kathy Griffin. She won and Emmy for her show and said:

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award, I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus,"

"Suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now!"

Then we've got Mark Finklestein who's all worked up because Christian superhero, Billy Graham's picture on the front of Time Magazine was placed under the "M" supposedly making it look like the guy's got horns resembling one of their supervillains named Satan:

"Could there possibly be an American who doesn't admire the Reverend Billy Graham? Apparently, yes. Have a look at the cover of this week's 'Time.' Of all the ways the editors might have positioned the logo, they managed to do so in a manner in which the 'M' in 'TIME' is transformed into horns protruding from the good reverend's head."

It all reminds me of why I'm so glad to have discovered the Truth and embraced the Justice League of America as our only true saviors.

I mean if Griffin had got on national television and said those things about Batman, he'd have flown the Batplane straight into the wall of that studio and kicked the shit clean out of His offenders. If Time had run a picture of Wonder Woman underneath the symbols of Lex Corp, their next cover would have shown some badly beaten and bruised-up editors and photographers captured in Her golden lasso with a headline reading, "We're Sorry, Diana Prince!"

Why follow a bunch of superheroes who can't fight their own battles or censor people with their own superpowers instead of the government's? There are no Salmon Rushdies or Last Temptations of Batgirl in our faith- just Lex Luthor, Toyman, the Cheetah, and Gorilla Grodd versus the Truth and some ass-kicking toys.

We may never know the answer to that question.


Monday, September 10, 2007

Free Will Vs. Predestination

DC Comictician thought of the week:

The Film Geek asks the First Church about predestination vs. free will.

"Does The Batman choose our life path for us, or do we have the freedom to embrace Marvel comics if we want?"

Neither the Batman, Batgirl, Robin, the Teen Titans, or any member of the JLA make our decisions for us. They will guide us if we ask and quite possibly punch one of our enemies in the mouth if we believe hard enough. If we praise them everyday and follow their word, good things are bound to happen to us and bad things are bound to happen to our foes. Now, Jonn Jones does read our minds and knows what we're going to do in advance, but it is still up to us to make the right decisions and follow the path that Batgirl has laid out for us.

There is, however, the problem of the Original Sinister. We are all born with the urge to rob jewelry stores and banks. From our very first breaths, we are devising a plan to commit the master crime. There is no way to escape it. Humans were cast out of Smallville and Gotham City for our sinsters and we must all bear the consequences of those actions.

Gorilla Grodd and Lex Luthor are aware of this which is why they focus their mind control beams on people at random. It is safe to say that 95% of the things you do wrong aren't entirely your fault. Wrong deeds are usually encouraged by the Legion of Doom and some hypnotizing weapon they've devised. But we are responsible to resist these weapons by arming ourselves with the word of the Martian Manhunter and the Justice League of America. We can't very well resist these evil influences with a Spiderman comic book in our hands.

Yes, friends, we can believe in far-fetched stories about an exploding green scientist and false villains like the Magneto and Dr. Doom or we can embrace the man from the planet Krypton and prepare to defend ourselves against real villains like the Joker and the Bug-Eyed Bandit.

The choice is yours so choose wisely if you want to avoid an eternity within the walls of Arkham Asylum.


Sunday, September 9, 2007

On Becoming Klingons

The First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets will now begin issuing fatwas so we may know what it takes to get into Starfleet or to see the Hall of Justice versus being locked up in Arkham Asylum for an eternity or becoming one with the Borg.

Again the fatwa is defined as:

1. The fatwa is in line with relevant legal proofs, deduced from Qur'anic verses and hadiths;

-In our case these legals proofs will be deduced from the chapters of DC Comics, DC Movies and cartoons and from the Holy scriptures of all five Star Trek seasons.

2. It is issued by a person (or a board) having due knowledge and sincerity of heart;

-That would be me since I talk to Captain Picard and the Martian Manhunter daily and my heart has been proven sincere.

3. It is free from individual opportunism, and not depending on political servitude;

4. It is adequate with the needs of the contemporary world.

Fatwa #1: Dressing up like Klingons and speaking their language:

In the 22nd and 23rd centuries the Klingons are the mortal enemies of the United Federation of Planets, but by the 24th century they become our allies.

So is it okay to dress and act like these aliens who killed Captain Kirk's only son and tried to poison the grain on Sherman's Planet?

In light of the fact that the Klingons fought well during the Dominion War, the First Church has decided that, yes, this is an acceptable practice. We hereby declare that a person can get into Starfleet while taking on the form of a Klingon in this lifetime provided they wear a Federation comm badge on their Klingon uniforms for at least six hours a day, five days a week.

So in order to maintain righteousness while wielding a Bat'leth, drinking Blood Wine, and eating Gagh, one must show their connection to Federation values by wearing the comm badge at the proscribed times. This will adequately demonstrate a spiritual connection to the 24th century when the Klingons are our allies; not our sworn enemies.

Praise be to the Holy Starfleet Captains for helping us to see this wisdom.


Saturday, September 8, 2007

Apokolips Rising Pt. 2

Since people have been talking about the end times, I've spent countless hours trying to find signs that indicate Darkseid and his minions from Apokolips are stepping up their invasion plans a little early.

Well, it has been brought to the attention of the Elders that Darkseid's plan for total annihilation and domination may have begun as early as 1988. We believe that Granny Goodness may have actually posed as First Lady under the Bush I regime. Take a look at these pictures:

This means that Darkseid may already have obtained secret information from within the White House. Between that and all of the Legion of Doom operatives who have infiltrated our government and The Price is Right- we are in some serious trouble.

Not to mention that reports are coming in concerning the attempt by high ranking officials in NASA to contact the Borg Collective. More on this later.

I tell you here and now, folks, the time is at hand. We must focus our thoughts on the Hall of Justice, get those Batsignals up and running, and start putting Justice League and Federation values back in the classroom before it's too late.

We thank the non-believing Marvelite, Anne Johnson, for bringing Barbara Bush's true identity to light. The Martian Manhunter has informed me that Anne may have earned 200 years off her sentence in Arkham Asylum.


Interview With The Chinchilla

I recently had the pleasure of doing an interview with the Chincilla.

Here is an excerpt:

"The Legion of Doom is everywhere. They are under your bed, in your closet, and behind every door. This natural since we are all born with the Original Sinister. The first signs are always when you or someone in your house starts thinking of the perfect crime and behaving in such a way that offends the Justice League. At that point, you need to get out the Batman Chronicles or Green Lantern Greatest Stories Ever Told and begin reading on page one before Gorilla Grodd's mind beams end up consuming you."

Check out the entire interview here.


Friday, September 7, 2007

We Don't Need to Do Anything

I received an angry letter from a non-believer (or possibly a Marvelite- it's hard to tell these heathens apart anymore) rejecting my call to hang the Bat signal over every town in America because this person claims that such a "waste" of energy would harm our environment.

Folks, despite what these nihilists will try to tell you, global warming and greenhouse gas emissions are not a problem that we need to concern ourselves with.


Because in the year 2063, the Vulcans are going to land in Montana and rescue us all from the horrible things that humanity has done to this planet including any harm we've done to our environment. So stop fretting over the ozone and carbon dioxide and put your faith in our logical friends from the planet of Vulcan.

Seriously, what the hell is everyone so worried about? The Vulcans are coming to fix things and they'll be here any day now (if we just believe, maybe they'll come sooner).

So for Robin's sake, people, forget about greenhouse gases, holes in the ozone, rising sea temperatures and dying wildlife. Let's fire up those power plants, turn up those air conditioners, rev up those gas engines, and blow off those mountain tops. Because when the Vulcans arrive, everything will be set straight again. Star Trekiology tells us so. Please, have a little faith.


Thursday, September 6, 2007

From Our Readers

It's time now to answer some of the comments from our readers. It is important to understand that we here at the First Church are interested in your comments. Even though our elders may start a new file on you in the name of Batman, the second Robin, and the Holy Batgirl, we always appreciate any input that you have to offer. It's not too late for anyone to be saved from the walls of Arkham Asylum. The Martian Manhunter and Starfleet Command are always listening and They are ready for you to accept the Justice League of America and the Holy Starfleet Captains into your hearts.

Rosie from Smokey Mountain Breakdown writes about our dedication to the DC principles and our commitment to the United Federation of Planets:

The Temple of Anime'ism is confused by this. Would it not be better to make peace with the enemies...or at the very least sign a treaty to fend off the global damage of the coming Apocolips that we know about. Perhaps a treaty bearing the name of one of the Temple of Anime-ism's home cities...uh...Kyoto.

We don't fully understand the ways of Anime'theism, nor do we want to. If there's one thing we do know, we know that merely watching Anime or learning it's teachings is a one-way ticket to Arkham Asylum or Unimatrix One.

While Kyoto is considered an Earth capital on most major star charts that map out the United Federation of Planets, we really see no need to anything other than follow the teachings of Captain James T. Kirk and Wonder Woman. Once the world has accepted the Truth the Vulcans will arrive and expel the Legion of Doom and right any wrongs that humanity has done to this planet.

Jackie from Saved by the Torso writes:

Although I disagree with almost everything you DC-ites have to say I gotta tell you I love this blog. Really.

That being said I think we both know Prince Namor is way cooler than that other guy

Prince Namor is the false prophet from the Marvel Universe, who claims to rule Atlantis, while the Truth clearly shows us that this title belongs to Aquaman and Aquaman alone. We don't know if the Marvelites truly believe this blasphemy or if they have been struck by one of Gorilla Grodd's mind beams. Thankfully, the latter possibility has quelled the call amongst some of the elders to start burning people at the stake.

The Film Geek from The Film Geek wrote back in June when asked which of the Green Lanterns would our Democratic presidential contenders would choose to fight the Sinestro Corps if elected:

I do worry just a bit about Guy Gardner fans. I hope John Edwards digs Hal or Kyle.

It seems likely that all four Green Lanterns will be summoned to defend our sector against Sinestro and his evil minions. Personally, I think "Square" John Stewart will be an invaluable hero in this cosmic battle based on what I've learned from the scriptures of the Justice League Unlimited.

But it's important we not second guess the Guardians of the Universe. They chose Guy Gardner to wield the green power ring and no matter what our misgivings, it's not our place to challenge their wise decisions.

Anne Johnson from The Gods Are Bored writes about our Marvel biased media's attempt to sway non-believers from the Truth by promoting Spiderman suits:

I just invested heavily in Spiderman Suit technology. Sign me up, I wanna be a REAL hero!

Which means conflicted and pissed off all the time.

That may be true of false prophets and heroes like the Hulk, Ironman, and Cyclops, but the real Heroes are not pissed off, they just love the world so much that they must take their powers and their toys to new extremes to save us.

As for investing in a new Spiderman suit, I advise against it. Here we have clear choice: join forces with the JLA and spend eternity in the Hall of Justice or fall in the Marvelites and the Legion of Doom and spend eternity inside the walls of Arkham.

While discussing Christine Amanpour's special on world religions, Muze Euterpe from Muzings writes the following:

"While there is no equivalence being drawn between them, they do have in common the determined belief that only they have a direct line to God and the unique ability to interpret 'His truth.'"

Of the three, only one has failed to realize that wholesale slaughter of non-believers is an UNacceptalbe practice.

True. And we don't understand why Marvel heroes like the Punisher and the Hulk can't control themselves either. At least the mystic, but immoral ways of Anime'theism doesn't seem so intolerant. All we know is that Marvel fans need to put those false comic books away and discover the real comic books of peace and justice, DC Comics, before it's too late.

Chris James from the Sour Apple Tree asks:

Is it right to slaughter readers of Marvel and Darkhorse, or should they be protected as "people of the (comic) book?"

Slaughter is never an option. Beating people til they can't see no more is one way to make people understand our love and commitment to non-violence, but murder should only be employed in the most extreme instances. If Superman can spare Lex Luthor time and time again, then surely we can also find it in our hearts to spare his earthly operatives and Legion of Doom sympathizers. (The Marvelites consider us People of the Comic Book. They say we should be protected, but judging by the actions of the Punisher and Wolverine, I question their sincerity when they talk about peace.)

JDB from Infinity Ranch writes about our discovery that Drew Carey may be turning the Price is Right over to Batman's enemies:

Great, now I'm going to have a crisis of faith, Rev. Elvis. Drew (Carey) is the country's most visible soccer fan and a great ambassador for my favorite (non-automotive) sport. But you say he's in league with the Legion of Doom. Whatever shall I do? If I send money will it help?

Finding out that certain celebrities and politicians have been harboring Legion of Doom sympathies is always painful. When I discovered that Dick Cheney was on their roll, I couldn't believe such an honest and down-to-earth man of peace was secretly handing out contracts to the Black Manta in order to build super submarines which will undoubtedly be used against Aquaman, Atlantis, the JLA and all of humanity.

It's important to remember that we are all born with the Original Sinister; therefore susceptible to the temptation of heisting jewelry stores and banks. Only through the JLA can we find salvation. We can only hope that it's not too late for Drew to bow before the Watchtower and ask Jonn Jones for forgiveness.

(Please don't send money unless it's a donation over $1000. Money breeds evil which is why we will only accept it in large sums- so we can study that evil, of course.)

Jenny from Jennyville writes concerning the lessons that the Atom teaches us:

Did you type this with a straight face?

Oh, I agree that the Legion of Doom is serious business...
It's just the lengthy size discussion that got me giggling.

The Atom teaches us that size doesn't matter and yes, that even includes the size of things we'd rather not talk about in church. But we must be careful not to offend Ray Palmer with too much triviality, lest he turn our backs on us and leave us to perish in Amazo's evil hands.

Thank you all for coming. Please remember that we are always here to answer your questions and help guide you in the ways of the Justice League of America and the United Federation of Planets.

Monday, September 3, 2007

We Have Lost Our Way

Would you take a look at this?!

Instead of coming up with a way to teach our children to throw Baterangs and use green power rings, the world science community, who will do anything to push their elitist multi-comicbookist ideals on everyone, is designing Spiderman costumes for people to wear.

I mean check out this BBC article:

"A 'Spider-man' suit that enables its wearer to scale vertical walls like the comic and movie superhero could one day be a reality, according to a study.

"Natural technology used by spiders and geckos could help a human climb the side of a building or hang upside down from a roof, the analysis suggests."

And how 'bout Professor Pugno, who more than likely descended from Hugo Strange, himself:

"Professor Pugno also outlined three properties which a real Spider-man suit must demonstrate.

"Firstly, and most obviously, it must be able to demonstrate strong adhesive properties. Secondly, the suit must be able to detach easily from a surface after it has stuck. Thirdly, the suit must, to some degree, be able to clean itself.

"The latter requirement is considered important because dirt particles could get in the way, interfering with the adhesive properties of the suit."

This is just great. While the Black Manta plots to invade our shores with his hired goons and fellow partners from the Legion of Doom, we're figuring out ways to hang upside down, catch flies, and spin webs. Our very way of life faces eminent destruction and total annihilation and our scientists are out looking for Charlotte.

I tell you here, today, these Marvelites- who continually deny that Barbara Gordon is the real Batgirl and teach their children that Bruce Wayne was just another citizen of Gotham City- are going to be the death of us all.

May the Martian Manhunter have mercy on our souls!

Hat Tip to loyal follower and believer Chris James for alerting the First Church to yet another outrage perpetrated by secular humanists and those seek to push multi-comicbookism on our schools and public institutions.


The Truth and Those Who Choose to Ignore It

DC Comictician thought of the weak:

Loyal DC Comictician and faithful Star Trekiologist, Chris James, asks the Church:

"Is it right to slaughter readers of Marvel and Darkhorse, or should they be protected as 'people of the (comic) book?'"

This is a good question.

The Marvelites are the ones who consider us "people of the comic book" and they say that we should be protected. They also claim to believe in Bruce Wayne, but they think he was just another resident of Gotham City and not the real Bat. The Marvelites claim to follow comic books of peace, but one look at the Punisher or Wolverine and we can see that this isn't entirely true. Like the Legion of Doom and the Sinestro Corps, the Marvel Universe hates us for our freedoms even if some their followers and clerics claim otherwise.

The DC Comictician, on the other hand, is committed to peace and justice. This is why we must beat our enemies senseless and drag them to Arkham Asylum by their hair for the smallest infraction; so that they may see how serious we are about finding non-violent solutions to the world's problems. The Batman demands this of us.

But slaughter is never an option. As Dick Grayson reminds us, we would rather see our foes in jail than dead. Mindless mayhem and savage destruction are the things of the Hulk. We must strive to fine tune our ass kicking in order to serve a much higher purpose.

Remember, when it comes to Marvelites, we must learn to hate the comic books, not the comic book fans. And we should pray each and every night to the Martian Manhunter that the Marvelites will join us by stepping into the light and realizing that Bruce Wayne is the true Batman and that Iron Man is little more than false prophet and a drunk.


Sunday, September 2, 2007

Fatwa Sundays

Since I have a personal relationship with our DC heroes and the Holy Starfleet Captains and I talk to the Martian Manhunter daily, I will begin giving orders in their names and telling all of you sinisters out there how the Justice League of America and Starfleet Command want you to behave. These will be simple instructions on how you can avoid Arkham Asylum or becoming assimilated by the Borg.

Worshipers of a comic book called the Quran have what they call fatwas.

A fatwa, according to Wikipedia is:

"a considered opinion in Islam made by a mufti, a scholar capable of issuing judgments on Sharia (Islamic law). Usually a fatwa is issued at the request of an individual or a judge to settle a question where fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) is unclear."

For example, Egyptian cleric, Ezzat Attiya has figured out a way for single men and women to work together without offending the heroes in their comic book:

"Our man is Ezzat Attiya, the creative Egyptian cleric who issued a fatwa saying that there was one way around the religious taboo against unmarried men and women working together. Women can breast-feed their male co-workers and legally become family."

Makes sense.

Being as that the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets has yet to install any of our own judges or pass laws that reflect DC and Federation values, I will take the burden upon myself to interpret the Word and apply them to our society. They will be "fatwas" to reflect the wishes of Batgirl and Captain Katheryn Janeway.

All this week I will be studying our legal issues and applying DC and Federation morals to them. My findings will be revealed on Sunday. Please take these fatwas on behalf of Superman, Wonder Woman and Captain Sisko seriously- lest you end up spending eternity within the walls of Arkham Asylum.


A DC Prayer for Guidance: Batman

Let us bow our heads.

Our Batman who art in the Batcave,

Please look over us as we walk this dimension, cast out from Gotham because of the Original Sinister. Look over us from those tall buildings as we sleep or have Robin, Batgirl, or Nightwing do it if you're too busy. Give us the strength to fight our inner supervillians and forgive us of our trespassing.

Batman, please help sway us from the influence of crime and Catwoman's temptations. Help us to see the path which leads us away from the Riddler and the Legion of Doom. Save us from the chilling power of Mr. Freeze and the Penguin's deadly umbrellas. Keep us safe each day from Clayface and the Mad Hatter.

Our Dark Knight, we ask that you help others to see your eternal vigilance. Please help guide those who have abandoned you and the JLA for Marvel Comics, Anime, Harry Potter, and other such fictional influences which lead people straight into the swamp of the Legion of Doom's headquarters. Even if it means smacking them upside the head with a Baterang, we ask that you bring these people back to your wisdom and grace.

Our Caped Crusader, we ask that you apply your mighty influence upon this nation's leaders that they may see that only through you and the Bat signal can we be kept safe from crime. Allow our school boards to see that by putting your pictures back on the walls of our schools, we can teach our children that all criminals are weak and cowardly and deter them from leading a life of crime. Only through state mandated programs and the forced worship of your word through DC Comics can we restore this once great nation to one that is free from the Joker.

In the name of the second Robin, who died for our sinisters, we pray to you,



Saturday, September 1, 2007

Getting Back the Basics


Blessed is the person who knoweth the ways of Hawkman and the Atom.