Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Abstinence is the Only Safe Sex

Good evening, friends.

Today I'd like to discuss something that is as dangerous to our way of life as drugs, heavy metal, and rap music: premarital sex. We really need to discuss this serious crisis that threatens to destroy everything that we, as a nation, hold to be True in the universe. Nothing could be more serious.

You see, prior to 1968 there were no teenagers having sex. In fact, it was last thing on anyone's mind. Afterall, it's not like human beings are animals with an instinct for procreation or anything. Then in blew the secular humanists and liberal activist judges who removed Captain James T. Kirk from the walls of our schools and Batman from the public curriculum. Next thing you know, kids everywhere were copulating and having sex as if they lived on Risa.

Well, we know for a fact that when Captain Kirk traveled the stars, abstinence was one of His primary objectives. Restraint from physical pleasure was as sacred to Him as the Prime Directive itself. The Five Pillars of Star Trek are very clear about this and the need to wait until marriage before having sex.

We also know that Clark Kent waited until he met the right woman, Lois Lane, and married her before he indulged in any sort of sexual activity. Now, think about Superman for moment. The only STDs that could damage Him would have had to contained Kryptonite or some shit in it. If this form of birth control and protection was good enough for the Man of Steel than its good enough for you. Besides, imagine what would have happened had Superman not waited until He met Lois Lane before having sex. He might have hooked up with Pamela Isley (aka Poison Ivy) and the two of them might have created some kind of hybrid weed made of steel that grows all around your house and threatens to eat your children every morning before they walk down to the bus stop.

I hope we're making our point clear.

But if we aren't then try this. If you live a life of promiscuity and choose to have sex with more than one partner, upon death the Martian Manhunter will find that you are suffering from nymphomania- a disease which requires eternal treatment that can only be administered by the doctors at Arkham Asylum. Now ask yourselves, is an immoral five second orgasm really worth spending eternity being tortured by Harley Quinn and the Joker?

This church is currently preparing a package to promote abstinence as the only form of safe sex available in Sector 001. We plan to touch on the finer points mentioned in this sermon and we hope that teachers everywhere will use it in the classroom and if they don't, well, hopefully we can get it mandated by law.

If you would like to contribute your tax dollars or anything else to this fund, make your checks out to: The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. Remember, the more zeros you put behind the whole number on that check, the better your chances are of getting into the Hall of Justice.

And as always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.



Malach the Merciless said...

Kirk was banging every alien in the quadrant, and who they Hell pumped Superman up with Steroids?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Heresy. Avert thine eyes.

Captain Kirk never got married; therefore, he never had sex. His son David must have been a product of immaculate conception. There's no other explanation.

JDB said...

Damn, Lois got back!

So, I guess we can safely assume that Bristol Palin is on her way to Arkham? She's concluded (based on personal experience) that abstinence is unrealistic.

Buzzardbilly said...

I'm with JDB.

Clark likes big butts and he cannot lie...