Tuesday, March 17, 2009

More Drug Testing for West Virginians and It's About Damn Time

Everybody knows that the state of West Virginia has been a Legion of Doom hotbed of crime for some time now. The Black Manta, Lex Luthor, Star Sapphire, and Gorilla Grodd all spend alot of time in this state convincing the children that's it's OK to disobey their parents and assist in diamond heists.

But we have had a real stroke of luck in Delegate Craig Blair. It's as though Captain Picard, Himself, heard our cries for vengeance and beamed this problem solving wizard straight into our capitol.

Blair has finally gotten a bill out of committee that would require people receiving unemployment and food stamps to undergo random drug tests. This is a splendid idea especially when you consider how many lives are lost to that dangerous drug called marijuana every single day.

And it makes sense. People who are drawing unemployment didn't lose their jobs because of a bad economy or anything. They were laid off because they didn't place enough faith in the Justice League and Starfleet Command. Hopefully this new legislation will pass and discourage the unworthy from filing for unemployment and food stamps. We need that money so we can continue to bailout banks and large corporate moguls who have worked hard for their yachts and two million dollar bonuses.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to challenge this no nonsense representative from Martinsburg to take his plan one step further and call for blood screenings on all working class people seeking assistance. That way West Virginians can sleep sound every night knowing that there aren't any changelings or shape-shifters receiving our tax dollars. It's bad enough these illegal aliens from the Gamma Quadrant come here to steal our jobs because everyone knows there's no way a solid can compete with a shape-shifter in today's job market. The least we can do is stop them from getting our tax dollars after the boss catches them transforming into a coffee table or a couch.

We're going to introduce this bill to Delegate Blair and suggest that the penalties for being a shape-shifter on welfare be harsh. After the first blood screening shows a person is a changeling, ban that person from each program for three months. If they come back and test positive for shape-shifting abilities again, ban them permanently. This is just a common sense approach and a simple procedure for dealing with the growing shape-shifter problem.

We're confident given Craig Blair's record that he will uphold family values and decent morals by demanding all welfare recipients undergo blood screenings so that we can keep the changelings from getting their hands on our tax dollars. If we could just get about twenty more people like Craig Blair elected to our state legislature we could stop wasting money on stupid things like feeding hungry children and start using that money for something more productive like investing in nanotechnology that would make West Virginians the first people to be immune to assimilation when the foretold Borg invasion engulfs the planet.


Buzzardbilly said...

I can only imagine the fear learning that shape-shifters could be in our midst sucking up the good life known as welfare.

Pointing out that we could finally start to reduce those ever-increasing numbers of marijuana deaths each year will only ensure that the drug screening bill will gain support.

Wonder who long Whip-Its stay in a person's system? I'll bet those high-living welfare recipients with their expensive goods and boundless choices will turn to Whip-Its to beat the system. They get everything.

Donutbuzz said...

Excellent plan, Reverend! I would also humbly suggest that we screen all homeless people just in case some changelings are trying to trick us.

MountainLaurel said...

I think we should extend it to the legislators as well. They are representing our interests; shouldn't we be sure they are who they say they are? I suspect this would also explain the Barbie bill introduction as well.

Chris James said...

Thank Hawkman that since the Dominion War I can still legally get fit-shaced on Romulan Ale, though.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Good point, Billy. I had forgot to mention all the people who overdose on whip-its. Truly, a drug the Justice League commands us to avoid.

DB, I think you're onto something. We know that changelings don't live in mansions, play tennis or golf and they damn sure have no need for private swimming pools. This leaves us with the only conclusion that they are posing as the homeless. We need to pressure our city's to start rounding them up.

Laurel, we acknowledge that we do, in fact, have changelings in our own state government. But with delegates like Craig Blair on the watch, we can all feel a little safer.

Yes, Chris, thank Hawkman. It with His blessing we dwell. We are starting new files on people who violate Federation law by drinking Romulan ale and we'll release the list just as soon as it's available.