Thursday, February 14, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better than Yours Pt. 4

Today's lesson is about a comic character named Jonah.

Jonah was ordered by God (aka Jehovah) to go and distribute their comic book amongst the people of Nineveh.

Jonah must have been as confused as all the other heroes the God League because throughout the Old Testament graphic novel, it's difficult to tell whether Jehovah was a superhero or a supervillian. Anyway, Jonah decides not to follow their league commander and heads as far away from Nineveh as a boat can take him. Perhaps Jonah was afraid of trying to sell a hero to the Ninevehians who can't even operate a transporter, let alone command a starship.

Anyway, Jonah stowed on away on a boat to get as far away from his orders as possible when the superhero/supervillian, God, whipped up some horrible weather and damn near destroyed them. The men on the boat figured out that Jonah was the problem so they tossed his sorry ass over the side where he was quickly swallowed up by a whale.

Inside the whale, Jonah lit a candle and began to pray day and night to the superhero known as God. Well, God decided to spare him and caused the whale to spit him out. And that ends the story.

While we here at the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets are all about prayer, we believe that there is a time to pray and a time to start kicking someone's ass.

With that in mind, let's imagine for a moment what would have happened if the Penguin had ordered his henchmen to throw the Batman over the side of his yacht only to have a whale swallow him up.

Assuming that Aquaman was out of the area defending Atlantis on His seahorse from the Black Manta, Batman's first task would have been to contact his friends from the Justice League up there in the Watchtower. They would have come down and rescued Him without causing any injury to the whale.

If the whale's muscles were too thick for the Martian Manhunter's communication devices to penetrate, Batman would have immediately begun planning his own escape.

He would have pulled a tube of whale regurgitation pellets from his utility belt and dropped them on the bottom of the whale's belly. After the whale began to vomit him up, He would have found some material to create a surfboard and rode the wave of puke through the whale's innards and out its mouth into the air with his cape flapping for all nearby criminals to see.

While demonstrating these fine-tuned surfing skills, Batman would have taken the first opportunity He could to summon the Batsubmarine to pick Him up. After boarding the Batsub, he would take the wheel and push the necessary buttons to convert it into the Batplane. Then He would have blasted out of the ocean and flown straight for the Penguin to foil his sinister plans; thus restoring balance, once again, to the righteous cause of justice.

So you see, the choice here is obvious. You want Jonah on your side offering you protection or would you rather have your soul protected by the one and only Batman? I think it's clear which would be the best decision.



Malach the Merciless said...


JDB said...

throughout the Old Testament graphic novel, it's difficult to tell whether Jehovah was a superhero or a supervillian

So Jehovah = Harvey Two-Face? Interesting.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

That's one possibility, JDB. Perhaps some ancient Hebrew crime boss threw liquid acid in his face causing him to develop multiple personalities.

Another more likely possibility is that Parallax invaded and infested his bodies at different points throughout the pictureless graphic novel called the Old Testament.

AngryMan said...

I don't know, Jehovah was a man of the people. Batman's alter-ego is a wealthy, silver spoon type . . .

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Harvey Dent was a man of the people too.

Juanuchis said...

I'll definitely side with Batman, cuz there's NO WAY Jonah could've lit a candle in a whale's belly!

BTW, a few days ago I had posted on blog a relic that is in my posession.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Cool Juanuchis. The Elders and me will check it out.