Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Sad State of the Economy

For the past few months, people from our flock have been saying:

"Reverend D, we know that your knowledge surpasses that of most mortals and that every word which flows from your mouth is blessed with the unquestionable and absolute Truth. Can you tell us why the American economy is in such shambles? Why have the Justice League and Starfleet Command forsaken us?"

The JLA and Starfleet Command do love us. But when we took Batman's name out of our textbooks and His picture off the classroom walls, kids started thinking it was OK to dress up like clowns and terrorize cities with dangerous toys. We lost our moral base and now we're paying the price.


However, I think the biggest problem we face is all these greedy workers who expect to get paid for their work. They're so selfish they demand things like five minute breaks and a lunch. They foolishly think they're entitled to a few days off throughout year and refuse 36 hour shifts like all good workers should. If they can't make it thirty six hours then they need to just fall asleep and fall over into the vat and die so someone else can have a job. Take the Jem'Hadar, the most feared soldiers in the Dominion. They don't require sleep or food or breaks. Plus, they die on command without wasting time asking the boss stupid questions.

We need to stay competitive if we're going to survive. The sooner we institute 36 to 48 hour shifts, get rid of minimum wage, and gut all safety regulations, the sooner our economy will recover. We need big, fat, rich white guys to suck up all the nation's wealth and unless that happens we all lose.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

US Senate Race: West Virginia 2010

We have heard some disturbing news that there are some people here in the state of West Virginia are thinking about voting for Mountain Party candidate, Jesse Johnson instead of one of the two fine major party candidates, John Raese (R) and Joe Manchin (D), for the US Senate.

This reminds us of some people tend to follow the teachings of Spawn instead of choosing to adhere to the beliefs of one of the two only serious comic book publishers, DC and Marvel.


Friends, we need to look at the facts here. Raese and Manchin are men of the people. It's not like these guys were born with silver spoons in their mouths and never had to work a day in their lives. Hell, everybody knows the last name Manchin hardly has any political clout in Charleston. And Raese, well, we all know he has almost as much in common with working people as Leona Helmsy or Warren Buffet. Not like we're supporting some new aristocracy with these two men or anything.

So let's get serious people. Come on.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Proper Way to End Prayers (Amended)

We have been asked repeatedly over the past several months why we have chosen to remove the word "A-men" from our prayers.

Well, folks, upon intense study and debate by the Intergalactic Board of Elders and the Deacons from various sectors of the quadrant we have decided that to use "A-men" to end a prayer excludes the thousands of other humanoid races which the Prophet Gene Roddenberry has described for us in the scriptures.

So in order to satisfy the needs of the multitude and make this world a better place we have chosen to end all prayers with "A-Klingon" instead of "A-men".

And so it shall come to pass.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Election 2010

Another election year is upon us and many friends of the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets are asking us how we think they should vote.

It's easy to get excited as the time to choose our leaders is at hand. Especially here in West Virginia where two of the most selfless candidates in the race, Joe Manchin and John Raese, vie for a seat in the US Senate. Truly, these two upstanding citizens who worked so hard to pull themselves up by their bootstraps are men of people.

But it is important to not get too carried away with inspiring candidates like these who do so much more than give themselves pay raises and remember our Heroes in the Hall of Justice and what they crave for humanity.

Turn with me please to the Batman Chronicles Volume 2 No. 43 Frame 49:

For Robin saith unto the Bat, "Our plan is working! The people are beginning to laugh at Greer's men".

And Batman replied, "Good! I knew they would lose fear once those hoodlums were made to look like fools. Now we're ready!"

The Dynamic Duo understands politics far better than the average mortal and it is important to carry Their Word with you wherever you go- even when you head into the election booths.

Vote death penalty, small government, major military spending, Uzis for everyone, bailouts for Wall Street only, and tax cuts on the wealthy. If you read every word from every DC Comic Book from Superman to Booster Gold, you'll see what we're saying is true.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Still Fighting the Infinite Crisis

Friends,

I want you to stop for minute and think. Think back to a long time ago- all the way back to 2007. Life was glorious in those days. There was no unemployment, no crime, no wars. The US economy was booming and everything just felt like it was going to be alright.

Then the Legion of Doom put their heads together and got the Black Manta's friend, Barack Obama, elected to office. Within two months our robust economy collapsed and unemployment soared. A hole formed in the ozone. A socialist healthcare bill that would make the entire Borg Collective blush got passed. Wars started up in Iraq and Afghanistan. Then there was 9-11 (well 9-11 actually happened in 2001, but we think Obama had a hand in that too. The Star Trek scriptures teach us that time travel is possible).

So let's take a look at this Legion of Doom ally and Borg sympathizer:

1) The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets has yet to see Barack Obama's birth certificate.

Now, many of those fans of the comic book called the Holy Bible claim that Obama was born in Kenya. We here at the First Church think it's much worse than that. We believe President Obama is hiding his birth certificate from the public because he was actually part of a cloning experiment on the planet Romulus. Just like the scriptures teach us that the Romulans tried cloning Captain Jean Luc Picard, we feel that Barack Obama could very well be a botched up attempt at cloning Captain Benjamin Sisko from the Deep Space Nine scriptures. They more than likely sent this clone back in time from the 24th century to wreak havoc on humanity. If you think about it, it makes sense. Plus no one can prove we're wrong.

2) Obama's determination to cooperate with other nations has weakened us in the face of our enemies.

Just like former ambassador John Bolton pointed out after his speech at the UN, Barack Obama is making us look like fools. And Bolton would know. All those years he spent illegally helping the fair, peace-loving Contras in Nicaragua battle the evil, war-monering hoards in the Sandinista government gives him special clairvoyance when it comes to international affairs.

3) The president's failure to use stimulus money to build new starbases along the Neutral Zone proves he isn't serious about our economy.

There is only one reason we can think of that would cause the Obama to overlook this badly needed addition to our infrastructure and that's that the president has stacked his administration with Borg sympathizers who want us to be weak when the Collective invades our planet in the year 2365. The facts here are plain for anyone who bothers to think about it.

4) Allowing Bush's tax cuts on our nation's wealthiest to expire proves that Barack Obama wants America to fail.

If there is anything we try to teach you here at this church, it's that the needs of top 1% of the country's income bracket is far more important than those of the other 99%. Half this nation could starve to death, but if even just one of America's most privileged children doesn't get a yacht for Christmas, then folks, we as a nation have failed.

You see, it's very important that we rally our voters at election time so that we can stop this Romulan cloned Borg collaborator before it's too late. The very safety of the multiverse hangs in the balance.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Return from the Other Side

It has been a little over a year since a beam out accident at one of our houses of worship caused my disappearance. And upon my return what do I see? The world- still a cesspool filled with evil, blasphemy, sinisters, Marvel Comics, and a fall TV lineup that doesn't bother to include any new revelations from the Five Pillars of Star Trek.

But, friends, I didn't just come back here to tell you how you're all doomed and probably headed straight for Arkham Asylum. No. There are a few events which have forced me to return and point my finger at everything which is wrong and unrighteous. You see unlike Fox News, we report and we decide. And unless you fathom the thought of having your arms and legs ripped off to be replaced with Borg technology you best fall in line.

Afterall, we have the 2010 elections coming up. Everyone knows that President Barack Obama has destroyed everything of value within two years and singlehandedly torn down the entire American economy. But instead of trying to right all these wrongs people have chosen to nominate people like Christine O'Donnell who foolishly believe all our problems can be solved by this guy named God who has no heat ray vision and his long haired son who has never logged in any time as a starship commander. She may be on target about masturbation being one of the most serious problems we're facing today, but she has admitted being involved with witchcraft which means her morals are probably closer to those of Silver Banshee rather than the Truth which can only be found within the Word of Superman.

Let us turn to the Batman Chronicles, Volume 1 Chapter 36 Frame 25:

An electrical engineer disappears... an unusual fog covers the city.... the first names on the little book's list are robbed and a dying man utters the sinister name of Professor Hugo Strange.

You see. I think it's obvious the Caped Crusader is trying to tell us that we cannot repeal those tax cuts on the rich without turning our public schools into a hotbed for Legion of Doom activity.

Hawkgirl is always watching you and She knows what you're doing. Be very careful about what you do in these upcoming days. We'll be here every Wednesday night and Sunday morning until courthouses start getting serious about fighting crime again by putting up the Batsignal above all public buildings.