A Righteous Brew

Last weekend I enjoyed one of the best damn beers I ever tasted. It was brewed by my homeboy, Jackie. And friends, I mean to tell you- it was one awesome bottle of beer. We're not sure if the High Priests of Spiderman or the Green Goblin presided over this creation, but whichever it was, it has brought us one step closer to healing the rift between the teachings that can be found within the sacred scrolls of DC and Marvel Comics.

With permission from the Intergalactic Board of Elders, tonight, I will be enjoying this second bottle of beer as I study the ways of the Batman and Green Lantern in the everlasting search for the meaning of life and to seek out new rules to impose upon the readers of this blog and the followers of this church.

As you can see in the picture, this second bottle came with a warning label placed there presumably by Mrs. Lantern. So if there are no blog entries here for the next couple of weeks then it is safe to assume that I've gone to be with my Heroes in the Hall of Justice.

So far, two swigs down and I haven't gone blind.

Thank you, Jackie for the homemade beer (and the holy, kick ass and righteous Misfits CD.)

Batman Camp

Friends,

It's been awhile since we had a heart to heart discussion about the horrors of Arkham Asylum. I have neglected to remind you all that if you do not follow the righteous path laid out by the DC Scriptures you will end up spending eternity wrapped in a straight jacket while sadistic doctors poke and prod you in no uncertain terms. There will be screaming and people gnashing their teeth. It's just an all around nasty place to be and you can avoid it by giving yourself to the Justice League of America and praying to Batgirl every night before you go to sleep.

Ask yourself, if you were to develop a large brain clot and keel over onto the floor at work tomorrow, would you be getting hauled off on a stretcher to Arkham? Or would your soul go on to meet with Superdog at the glorious gates leading to the Hall of Justice?

What inspired me to remind you of this choice we all face is a documentary I watched last night called "Jesus Camp". What a great way for young children to spend their summers. The only problem I saw with this youth retreat is that they were giving praise to some wimpy hero in toga named Jesus Christ and that comic book character known as God who we all know can't even command a Galaxy class starship.

Instead of frightening young children with some big Halloween party called "hell" and using stuffed animals to inspire terror, they should have been smacking those kids in the back of their heads with baterangs until they started crying and bowing down on their knees confessing all their sinsiters to Batman.

That is why we'd like to launch our own summer camp. A camp where the kids to learn to jump from ten story buildings and learn how to fight with bat'leths. A camp where children can learn to slice each other up with green power rings and shoot arrows filled with explosives and shards of metal and shrapnel. In other words, a camp filled with good, clean wholesome fun where kids can learn about real spirituality.

The only problem we can see is that your children might not be coming home.

So if you're interested in letting your children experience the Almighty ways of the Bat, sign them up now. It's the least you can do for their little souls.

Obama for the First Church?

A letter came into our office this weekend and it read:

Dear Reverend High Priest,

We heard a rumor that the First Church of the DC Comictician was considering a Barack Obama endorsement? We think this is great! Is this true?

Signed,


Confused Apostate for Robin and Teen Titan Idol Worshipper

The answer to that question, Confused, is no. We will not support Obama for president under any circumstances.

Why? Well, you really don't need to know why. All you need to know is that we're right and you're wrong and accept this simple fact of life. Nevertheless, we're feeling generous today, so we'll go ahead and address the issues point by point.

The reason is because we have inside information that he is good friends with the Black Manta and that means that he may very well be that Legion of Doom sleeper that people has been claiming he is.

You think this is an absurd comparison? Well, just look at the two of them and tell me there isn't some inherent connection. In fact, we wouldn't be at all surprised if the Black Manta attended the same church as Obama. They probably sat together in the front row while Reverend Jeremiah Wright plotted some kind of new and insidious revenge against the blond-haired, blue-eyed Aquaman.

Don't go thinking that we're racists- some of our best heroes are black people. We're just tired of the way Obama and the Black Manta have been treating Hillary Clinton and all her self-righteous, pure hearted supporters. She was destined to win this race, hands down, until Black Manta convinced Lex Luthor to start hitting Democrats with mind beams and making them go temporarily insane.

Here are some other quick points:

1) Like Green Lantern John Stewart we consider ourselves "liberals" by inclination. And everyone knows that white liberals never, ever fall prey to such unspeakable things like bigotry and race-baiting.

2) And as "liberals" we always know what's best for you even if you don't. Instead trying so hard to think for yourself, you should just be grateful that we're here to steer you in the right direction. To prove that we will not allow the real racists (aka conservatives and Republicans) to take this country back, "liberal" Democrats from everywhere will vote for John McCain if Obama and his pal, the Black Manta, win this nomination.

Willie Horton isn't just for Republicans anymore. It worked in '88, it can work in 2008. Just remember those guys back then we're racists and we don't succumb to that kind of savagery in this day and age.

3) If you're still not sure that we aren't racists then ask yourself: who do you think fought to ensure that Black Vulcan and Apache were added to the Superfriends in the 1970's? Reverend Wright? Well, think again.

4) Just look at the attitude Obama's supporters have toward the Island of Themyscira. All these people who are crying foul at Camp Clinton's tactics don't seem the least bit offended at Barack Obama's constant reluctance to give daily praises to the almighty Wonder Woman. If that isn't a sign of pure misogyny, we don't know what is.


And the last thing we should point out is the amount of young people who are drawn to Obama's campaign. As the Batman has tried to teach us, young people make great partners and sidekicks but they're lousy crime fighters when they're out on their own. Politics should be left to people over forty and that's all there is to say about that. Don't question this logic.

Friends, if John McCain wins this election, he will assimilate us all into the Borg Collective. Our biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to their own and will be used to service them. But that's a far better fate than electing a Legion of Doom sleeper who will undoubtedly bombard us all with rap music while him and the Black Manta use the White house as a means to destroy Aquaman and turn this country into a safe haven for criminals, pimps, hoodlums, and thugs from all walks of life. For it is written: listening to the low hum of a Borg cube with wires plugged into your brain is much better for you than standing around holding hands with the Legion of Doom and singing Kumbaya.

This November, we'll show all those conservative right-wingers once and for all!


Tags:
Barack Obama, Democrats, Hillary Clinton, Black Manta, Wonder Woman, John McCain, The Borg

The Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets

Good morning, friends.

Many of us ask ourselves, what does it mean to be a Star Trekiologist? We wonder aloud if we're really living the way the Prophet Gene Roddenberry intended us to. Are we living a life worthy of Captain Jean Luc Picard? Or are we becoming so influenced by the Borg Collective that we have all lost our way for all eternity.

Turn with me please to Star Trek TOS Season 1: 23.

Verily, Captain James T. Kirk saith unto the people of Armenia and to Annon 7,

But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with blood of a million savage years on our hands. But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers. But we're not going to kill, to-day. That's all it takes. That we're not going to kill, to-day.

You see, Captain Kirk accepts us and loves us for who we are. He knows that we as noncommissioned officers are prone to follow our instincts. But we can fight those instincts and walk the path laid out for us by Starfleet.

As a reminder of our barbaric natures our eternal engineer, Mr. Scott, tells us that the best diplomat He knows is a fully charged phaser bank. But this passage has misinterpreted by scholars who have studied the Star Trek scrolls. What Scotty meant is that we should point our phasers at our enemies; not at each other.

Captain Picard gives us encouragement. From Star Trek TNG Season 7:8

And so Captain Picard was certain that He would escape to smite thine enemies, He saith unto Dr. Beverly Crusher,

The important thing during any confinement is to think positively and not give up hope. There is a way out of every box; a solution to every puzzle. It's simply a matter of finding it.

Captain Picard also knows of our daily struggles. For He was once assimilated by the Borg and was brought back to the Federation light so that He could deliver us and offer the Truth to those who will listen.

We must rise above our petty bickering and pull together if we are to one day become a city on the hill reflecting the values and decency that is the United Federation of Planets.

Tags:
United Federation of Planets, Captain Picard, Captain Kirk, Scotty

A Prayer for Ingenuity- Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott

Good morning.

Let us bow our heads.

Dear Mr. Scott,

We thank you for all that you have done to keep the Enterprise's warp drive online. Without you we could not explore strange new worlds to seek out new life and new civilizations.

Scotty, we ask that you watch over us as we try to mend our own warp cores and covert the dilithium crystals of our era into anti-matter. Just as you spent a hundred years suspended in animation after a beam out to nowhere only to rematerialize and discover the Klingons had become Federation allies; so should we prepare ourselves for the future and what awaits us.

Only you could stare down a warbird in Romulan space when your glory was filling in for Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock when they were out on away missions. Only you could beam Starfleet officers of line out of trouble just in the nick of time.

Our beloved Mr. Scott, how great thou art. Truly yours is of the divine inspiration that we could never replicate.

In the name of engineering we pray to you.

Amen

West Virginia Chooses

Oh my, what a big day this has been.

All of the votes are in and West Virginia has nominated Captain Kathryn Janeway to lead us into battle against all our enemies. Captain Janeway of the Starship Voyager crushed all opposition with a 23 point lead over Captain Benjamin Sisko of Deep Space Nine.

We're really impressed with the turnout. 13 people voted- which is more than double the number we originally projected. People are starting to get actively involved with the daily affairs of Starfleet Command and this is yet another terrific sign that democracy and the principles of the United Federation of Planets are still holding strong in our state.

Analysts have speculated that Captain Janeway's "do or die" attitude as well as her bold and blunt style of command appeals to most West Virginians and that she alleviates many of the fears our people have on the upcoming Borg invasion.

The experts also believe that Captain Sisko's relative inexperience hurt him today because, as they are quick to point out, Sisko was a only a commander in the first three seasons of Deep Space Nine. The professional pundits also believe that Captain Janeway has an appeal with working class citizens. While Captain Sisko rarely ate meals outside of his quarters, Captain Janeway could often be found in the mess hall sharing replicated beverages with her crew. Truly, Kathryn Janeway is a Captain for the masses.

And it should be noted that no Starfleet officer has successfully waged a battle against any of our intergalactic foes with out West Virginia's support. That's how Bones got his commission as chief medical officer aboard the Enterprise. Actually, Dr. McCoy was from Georgia, but, well, it's close enough. Hell, the brass in San Fransisco don't know the difference.

Nevertheless, the exciting turn out today can be directly attributed to the exciting campaigns waged by both these excellent Starfleet Captains. They have both, once again, risen to challenge and gave the people a voice in a galaxy full of immorality and hostile aliens.

So we congratulate Captain Kathryn Janeway for her rise to victory and on becoming the official Starfleet Captain of West Virginia who will one day lead us across the galaxy. Now, if there is someway we could talk her into taking Governor Joe Manchin on her next warp flight to the Delta Quadrant...........

Tags:
West Virginia, Election 2008, Captain Janeway, Captain Sisko, Democratic Party

How Will You Vote on Tuesday?

One more day before West Virginia votes in the primary. Tensions are running high; the media has their cameras on us. So it's time we get serious and talk about something of real importance. We don't take major events like this lightly.

Which Starfleet Captain do you think was better officer: Benjamin Sisko from Deep Space Nine or Kathryn Janeway from the Starship Voyager?

This is perhaps the most important decision you'll ever make because the outcome of your future could be decided by who leads you into battle with the Borg. Which of these two captains would rather serve under?

Now for some in-depth coverage of the Captains.

Captain Kathryn Janeway:

Accomplishments:

- She navigated her ship home from the other side of the galaxy in the Delta Quadrant.

- She stopped a dangerous alien called Species 8427 from invading our galaxy and conquering us all.

Pros:

- She is the first woman to bring you weekly lessons from the captain's chair of a Starfleet vessel.

- She will fight until her last dying breath, even if it means flying her ship through a protostar or becoming temporarily assimilated by Borg.

Captain Benjamin Sisko:

Accomplishments:

- He stopped the Dominion from taking over the Alpha Quadrant and destroying our way of life.

- He discovered the wormhole aliens and opened a gateway into the Gamma Quadrant for exploration.

Pros:

- He is the first African-American to bring you weekly Star Trek teachings from the captain's chair.

- He is noted for bringing various aliens together to fight for a common cause (even the Romulans).

Vote Now (and you don't have to be from West Virginia to vote). Feel free to leave a comment because if you lived by the word of Star Trek and die tomorrow, Starfleet may be assigning you to serve under one of these two fine officers.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Priestyish-like Hat Tip to Hoyt from Donut Buzz for the poll site reference.

Tags:

Sisko, Janeway, Democratic Primary

Playing Cards Pt. 5

You'll never believe where I got this deck of cards.

They weren't behind the pharmacy counter or hidden from plain view. I didn't even buy these cards at the cash register beside the lighters and the eye glasses fix-it lits. No. These cards were given to my wife at work, which means that either the Joker or Harley Quinn are operating somewhere just off the Ohio River somewhere between Weirton and Huntington.

I mean just look at these cards. Not just two Jokers anymore, but four. The stakes have never been higher and our national security has never been at greater risk. Our society's moral fiber is being challenged and instead of preparing for this challenge, everyone is out waiting in line to watch the new Iron Man movie.

What we have here is attempt by the Legion of Doom to plant the Joker's face in every home in America so that when they begin their assault, our children will join them in the fight to destroy everything that is moral and decent. This cannot be allowed to stand and we must take action now. Remember, we aren't a defensive church, we're an offensive one.

So your fifth task in ridding your homes of things that might make your children grow up to be psychopathic killers with an insatiable desire for crime is to find all your decks of cards and get rid of the ones that represent that Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker. Otherwise, the Batman might come to your window in the middle of the night when you least expect it. If you aren't prepared for Him and embraced His love and His teachings, He is going to send you straight to Arkham Asylum.

Just so we're clear, we're not placing a ban on all playing cards. After all, one of the ways you can teach children some of the finer points in life is to sit them down with a can of beer and a few cigars for a few rounds of poker. Tell them to get their allowance money out there on the table so you can take it all by the end of the night. Then tell them to go home and get more allowance money so you can win that all too. Believe me those quarters and dimes will add up after a few hours. (Plus, I'm looking forward to the day when I can get together Hoyt and the Film Geek and hopefully some of my other blogger friends too so I can whip up on them in a few rounds of Poker, Hearts or Spades.)

But if we leave those Joker card in the deck while we're taking these kids' lunch money, we are teaching our children that it is perfectly OK and normal to emerge from an green bath full of acid to reek havoc on humanity. Clearly, we owe them better by setting good examples. So please, find your decks of cards and throw out or burn those ones that resemble one of Batman's most deadly enemies.

This concludes our Legion of Doom Awareness Week. We hope that you've taken all we said to heart because these arch-criminals our there and they are coming for you and your family. Our very way of life hangs in the balance and if we don't take a proactive stance against this evil now then we will forever be lost in a swamp run by Lex Luthor, Black Manta, and Bizarro Superman.


Tags:
Cards, The Joker, Gambling, Morality, Wickedness

The Color Yellow Pt. 4

Just the other day, my grandkids and I were coloring. Granted it was a Spiderman coloring book complete with pictures of Venom and all. But that's the price a High Priest of DC Comics pays when he strives to become more open-minded and more tolerant of strange ideas and beliefs.

But something else was wrong. I noticed my grandson was coloring away and the crayon he was using was the color yellow.

I was alarmed. Yellow. The only color from the spectrum that can defeat the Green Lantern.

How could Crayola be so careless as to expose young people to the very color of Sinestro's evil power ring? The same he uses against to strike terror in the hearts of beings from all over the galaxy.

So I found their phone number and demanded to know why they were supporting the Legion of Doom. I asked them why they refused to support the troops from the Green Lantern Corps by removing this wickedness from their crayon boxes. The woman I spoke with hung up the phone without answering any of my questions.

So this is what we've become here in America. A nation that not only allows the color yellow to exist, but promotes it on stop lights and state road workers' rain jackets. And people wonder why our economy is slumping and why we're prone to so many natural disasters. We've turned our backs on the Green Lantern and the Guardians of Oa and now we're paying the price.

So your fourth task toward keeping your home Legion of Doom-free and protecting your children from everything that is evil is to throw away anything you have that contains the color yellow. Get rid of any shirt, hats, piece of furniture with any yellow on it. Paints, crayons, pencils- they've got to go. Any paintings with yellow- throw them out. Bananas, get rid of them. And don't you ever, ever again buy an apple from the store that's yellow.

The next thing you need to do is paint all of your window seals green. This will ensure that Sinestro will not enter your home and steal your children while they're sleeping at night.

The Green Lantern Corps is out there in the galaxy keeping you free and protecting your way of life. The least you can do is show them a little support by ridding your lives and your house of the color yellow for good.


Tags:
Yellow, Evil, Green, Support the Corps

The Mirror is a Gateway to Treachery and Evil Pt. 3

Today's Legion of Doom Awareness Awareness Week:

Do you have a mirror in your home? In your living room? In your bathroom? Your truck? Your purse?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are worshiping a dangerous supervillian whether you know it or not. That dastardly criminal your subconscious secretly admires is known as The Mirror Master. Mirrors may seem like glass that cast your reflection back at you, but what they really are is gateways and portals for the Mirror Master to come through so that he can reek havoc upon all of civilization as we know it.

There is nothing cute or funny about giving homage this fiend who helped form the Rouge's Gallery to oppose our Scarlett Speedster, the Flash. While the Flash was out are saving us from our sinisters, Mirror Master was in cahoots with Captain Boomerang, the Trickster, Weather Wizard, the Top, and Captain Cold to try to put end to the fastest man alive.

Yet here people are with rear view mirrors, checking their hair or seeing who's behind them on the highway. Never once do these people stop to consider how much danger they're putting us all in. The Mirror Master could pop right out and kill the driver and everyone within ten miles in order to get to the Flash and seek out his twisted sense of revenge.


So if you want your homes free of evil, get rid of all your mirrors. Get rid of all the mirrors in your desks and pocketbooks. Smash the side mirrors off your car with a baseball bat and while you're at it- smash your neighbor's off to. This is the least we can do to help stop crime in our neighborhoods and prevent card carrying members of the Legion of Doom from gaining yet another advantage over the minds of our children.

And speaking of the children, I think it's high time we removed all the mirrors from our public schools too. What does are we trying to say to the kids when we so willing embrace the very symbol of the Flash's greatest nemesis. Like ice and ice machines, mirrors should not be allowed within a hundred yards of any school. After all, what is more important than the safety of our children?

So you've got a list of things to avoid and keep away from your homes:

1) Ice
2) Plant life
3) Mirrors

Two more days to go and two more ways to show how you can keep your home Legion of Doom free.


Tags:
Mirrors, Evil, Temptation, Destruction, Death, Doom