Word to All Supervillains: Leave Our State, We Have a Superhero Protecting Us in Charleston

It's a great day to be a West Virginian. Don't worry about the economy that's crashing down harder than an fully loaded atom bomb- just go starve to death quietly and be grateful you had food to eat up until now. Others aren't so fortunate.

What's exciting is that we have a governor who is willing to challenge crime head on and call criminals out as if he were the incarnation of the Batman himself. Any day now Joe Manchin is going to tear open his shirt and show us that he is, in fact, the New Man of Steal- oops, I mean "Steel".

This comes from the Charleston Daily Mail:

Gov. Joe Manchin has a message for drug dealers: Get out of West Virginia and don't come back.

Manchin kicked off a statewide crackdown called "Operation Eviction'' on Thursday in Huntington.

The governor says state and local authorities will do whatever it takes to rid the state of drug dealers.

Manchin has asked Military Affairs and Public Safety Secretary Jim Spears to research the legality of hard labor as punishment. The governor says he expects to hear constitutional concerns but he wants punishment that will make drug dealers wish they never came to the state.


That's right, punks. You're going back to where you came from.


Finally, after years of liberals in Charleston pandering to the Joker and the Legion of Doom we have a governor who isn't going to take it anymore, a man who will stand up against the scum, the filth. A man who will send Darkseid back to Apokolips, Bizzaro Superman back to Bizarro World, and drug dealers back the island of Drugdealerousistan.

All Praise Be to Hawkgirl for this brave man under the gold capitol dome who isn't afraid to challenge evil wherever it stalks the innocent.

Beware criminals, Governor Manchin has his eye on you and it's only a matter of time before that eye starts shooting heat-ray vision.

What Really Fuels the Violence

Rush Limbaugh recently blamed the American left for the violence at the Holocaust Museum.

"Very predictably, ladies and gentlemen, the media, the American left is trying to score some political points as a result of this tragedy at the Holocaust Museum in Washington yesterday, and as predictable, they are trying to blame this on me, other conservatives and right-wingers. It's the traditional approach taken by the American left. The facts of the case, however, are such that if we want start assigning blame for this beyond this nutcase Jew hater, and notice that very few people actually want to do that. They want to claim this guy didn't have the ability to act on his own. He only could act if he was inspired by somebody. Well, who did he hate? He hated both Bushes. He hated neocons. He hated John McCain. He hated Republicans. He hated Jews as well. He believes in an inside job conspiracy of 9/11. This guy is a leftist, if anything. This guy's beliefs, this guy's hate stems from influence that you find on the left, not on the right."

Paul Krugman disagrees and says it's the fault of the American right.

"But with the murder of Dr. George Tiller by an anti-abortion fanatic, closely followed by a shooting by a white supremacist at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, the analysis looks prescient. There is, however, one important thing that the D.H.S. report didn’t say: Today, as in the early years of the Clinton administration but to an even greater extent, right-wing extremism is being systematically fed by the conservative media and political establishment."

But we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician understand what drives these wanton acts of violence. And no, it isn't that some people are mentally disturbed, unbalanced and have distorted views that come mostly from within their own minds. We know that these displays of horrendous violence are caused solely by the publication of Marvel Comics.

Think about it. You've got the Incredible Hulk who turns all green and explodes out his clothes wreaking havoc on everybody. The Punisher goes on rampages blowing up everything in sight. No one ever seems to know if Ghost Rider is possessed by some evil spirit or if he's a real superhero. Spiderman's got that evil alter ego named Venom and how's anyone to know which is which?

It's no wonder that perfectly sane people pick up a copies of these comic books and go out on a shooting a rampage. If they had stuck with Superman and the Green Lantern, they would undoubtedly be productive citizens doing harmless things like running major corporations, getting kickbacks and bonuses based on the number of people they layoff and families they toss out into the streets.

It's simple logic. If more people stuck with DC Comics instead of delving into the abyss as presented by Marvel, our society would be completely free from all insanity and all forms of random violent crimes.

Borg Collectivism Seems Neverending

Everybody knows that unfettered and reckless capitalism is the only economic system ordained by the Justice League. It's the only economic system that works and the proof lies with the booming, robust economy we're experiencing here in the U.S. today.

Yet Americans were content to send a Legion of Doom sympathizer to the White House this past November. The fact that Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama sat in church beside the Black Manta while they all plotted the overthrow of the blond-haired, blue-eyed Aquaman and sought to destroy the underwater city of Atlantis never deterred the voters. So this is what we get: regulation on the credit card industry.

I've been listening to AM radio lately and agree with such brilliant investigators as Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. Americans are outraged at the thought of a credit card company not being allowed to jack up interest rates on them when they aren't looking. It's been a fun surprise when you open your your mail every month, trying to guess whether your rate is going to be 12% or a more reasonable 28%. It's alot more exciting than those boring old traditional banks who are confined to a mere 2% increase over a limited period of
And Americans love the idea of paying hidden fees for being one day late with their minimum payment. It's like you're Dale Earnhart Jr. at Pocono- racing to get those payments in because you received the bill on Monday and it happens to be due by Friday. Exciting. The majority of Americans also feel "over-the-limit" and "pay-by-phone" fees are like contributions to one of the most important issues facing us today: making sure that all American CEO's can afford to buy eight more homes since six isn't never is enough and each one of those needs a swimming pool and a fully staffed cleaning service. If these goals aren't achieved, America fails; we all fail.

So now the Borg Collectivists have taken all that joy away from us making sure that credit card card companies have some sort of standard by which to operate. It's an outrage and everyone should be mad as hell.

I'm sure folks like Hannity and Beck as well as Rush Limbaugh would agree that this is one of the many first steps toward people being lined up outside Borg labor camps and having a their eyeballs, legs, and arms removed and replaced with cybernetic technology from the Delta Quadrant. I'd go on TV and cry like a baby if they'd let me. Because I love my country and it hurts me deeply to see the Borg and the Legion of Doom take away all that we've worked for by making this country free and prosperous for about 1% of the population.

A Run for the Presidency?

It's been a busy time for the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation Planets.

First, we organized a worldwide effort encouraging everyone to pray to the Flash so that He might stop the Weather Wizard from dropping anymore rain on West Virginia. As you know, flooding isn't caused by runoff from strip mining, tearing down trees, or placing Walmarts and shopping malls and huge parking lots within ten to fifteen miles of each other. No. Heavy rain and flooding is caused by the either the Legion of Doom or the Rouge's Gallery and it is allowed to happen when a nation fails to follow the Justice League's plan laid out for us in DC Comics. Well, our prayers were answered and the Flash did stop the Weather Wizard. So thanks to the First Church, we can now enjoy sunny days until our next crisis of faith.

Second, we're preparing once again for an attempt at launching a youth Batman Camp. This would be a wonderful place to brainwash the children and get them to understand that there are two horrible things in this world: abortion and Marvel Comics. Unfortunately, we're running into some legal problems once again because our lawyers tell that our insurance policy won't cover accidents that involve climbing twelve story buildings with the use of a batgrapple and rope. But we're still working on it.

Third, we have launched an exploratory committee into a possible run for the presidency in 2012. My platform would be very simple: eliminate taxes on everyone who makes more than $100,000 a year, drug test and blood screen everyone who relies on a public service (like roads, bridges, police protection, and other handouts), cap credit card interest at a reasonable 45%, make prayer in school not just legal- but mandatory, and launch nuclear weapons in any given direction so that we can show the world who's boss and bring the Vulcans to earth a little sooner at the same time.

So we have a few ideas for a running mate: Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, or possibly Sean Hannity.

We will be praying to the Martian Manhunter for guidance in these upcoming months.

Don Blankenship Speaks Out on Earth Day

Don Blankenship loves the earth. Just ask the people who live in central Appalachia how much of that love they feel when rocks and shit come raining down on their houses when Massey gets done dynamiting the top right off another mountain so his company can scoop out all the coal without the burdensome task of having to employ union miners.

Many people were wondering where Blankenship was during all the Earth Day festivities. After we did some investigating, we found that he did address a small gathering to profess his love for knocked down trees, filled in creek beds, and coal sludge in everybody's water supply.

Today, we're going to publish that speech. We aren't sure if he actually wrote it himself, but the just so folks he was addressing could understand what he was saying, it was translated into the gathering's native language. Consequently, the following is written in traditional Klingon:

Qatlh 'a' Parmaq Tera'

'A' parmaq tera' mo' tera' wob law' Huch. tera' 'em Huch. 'A' parmaq Huch.

Hutvagh laH voQ 'egh chaj 'op 'Iwghargh 'et 'un quD 'A' SaH neH jegh cho wogh Huch. 'A' neH je' a qum qoq West Virginia. 'A' jom pI' ngujlep lo'laHbe'ghach WV la'quv bo'DIj meqba' leS 'A' neH naQ pach.
Hoch 'ebmey tIjon.

'A' parmaq Tera. Bang bom DI' jor. nugh be' Hap. nuqneH. Huch. SuvmeH 'ej charghmeH bogh tlhInganpu'. 'ach 'A'. qa' wIje'meH maSuv. tIqIpqu' 'ej nom tIqIp lumbe' tlhInganpu'. tay'taHbe' 'Iw bIQ je. yIn DayajmeH 'oy' yISIQ. 'A' parmaq Huch. bIje'be'chugh vaj bIHegh.

tlhIngan maH!

DaHjaj SuvwI''e' jIH. nej Huch. ghIj qet jaghmeyjaj.

Thank you.


Don Blankenship, Earth Day, West Virginia, Mountaintop Removal

The Part of the Charleston Protest You Didn't See

This just in.

Church investigators have discovered footage from the Tea Party down in Charleston, West Virginia later that evening which the media has failed to release:



We knew the Legion of Doom was behind this. Now this much is certain. We are also investigating a report presented by faithful church member, JDB, that the Joker and Lex Luthor may have created a sidearm of the Legion of Doom here in West Virginia and are calling it "The Legion of Dumb".

All we can say is that you all need to start praying to the Justice League before it's too late.

(And be sure to check out this tribute to the Tea Party from A Sour Apple Tree)

Hundreds March on Charleston to Show Support for the Mad Hatter and the Legion of Doom

It's no wonder Lex Luthor chose the Kanawha River to set up a new base for the Legion of Doom. Just look at all these people gathered around the capitol with their tea bags showing support for one of the Batman's most dangerous supervillains, The Mad Hatter.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful that people are standing up to the Borg Collectivist ideal that we need to stimulate our economy by raising taxes on people who have all they'll ever need and try to create a better country for people who can barely afford to buy gas to get to work. The latter should be bearing the brunt of taxation because if they had worked harder and put more faith in the Justice League they wouldn't be where they are.

We also think the semi-automatic weapon protest sign sends a very positive message about the state of West Virginia. It's a very subtle way of letting everyone know what steps a guy who goes to work every morning wondering if he'll have a job by the end of the week will take if you start messing with the salary of some other guy who makes over $500,000 grand a year laying people off. It's our second amendment right, you know.

There didn't seem to be many black faces in the crowd with means the gathering was free from the sinister influences of Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama, the Black Manta, and their spiritual leader, the Justice League of America-hating Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

Lastly, we're glad this mass protest dealt with something of actual importance like the shame of making millionaires pay their fair share to live in this country instead of protesting something of complete irrelevance like mountaintop removal or building coal silos next to elementary schools. Just so we're clear- we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets love mountains too. But we're smart enough to realize that the Vulcans will someday land in Montana and solve all of our environmental problems. At the very least, we will have holographic mountains so that we can once again appreciate the history behind Blair Mountain after Massey gets done dynamiting and bulldozing it to the ground.

All this being said, however, this church has no choice but to condemn this protest not because of its purpose, but because of the evil symbolism they're using which represents none other than the Mad Hatter. If Glenn Beck and Newt Gingrich want our fine religious establishment to get behind their fight against Borg Collectivism, we suggest they send their people out masked and wearing tights with capes or at least donning official Starfleet uniforms instead. We feel this would further define the seriousness of their crusade against the heinous and diabolical act of taxing wealthy people; the same people most will never even get the chance to caddy for on the golf course.


Tags:
Tea Party, Charleston, Glenn Beck, Republicans, Welfare for the Rich Only, Taxes, West Virginia

Definitions Pt. 1

Ever since the long lost third son of Abraham, Captain Hezesiah, came down from the mountains to deliver the word of DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek, millions have come to understand that Batman is Gotham's savior and that only through Starfleet can we find redemption.

Everyday millions more flock to our teachings to learn of how Superman and the Flash can set them free. So we have decided to create this glossary to help people navigate through the only true faith in the Alpha Quadrant.

The Ten Commandments of DC Comics- ten simple ways you can avoid eternal agony and torture within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

The Ten Commandments of Starfleet- ten simple ways you can avoid Borg assimilation before being shipped off to Arkham Asylum for eternal agony and torture.

The Prophet Gene Roddenberry- one of the later prophets after Captain Hezesiah who launched a television series that would contain the literal truth within each and every episode.

Marvel Comics- entertaining comic books filled blasphemy, false heroes, and heresy. For example, Marvel claims that some guy drank a bad glass of green root beer then explodes into a super human when he's angry, but the DC scriptures teach us that the only way one can obtain such super powers in to be born on Krypton or by calling out the word, "Shazam".

The Legion of Doom- the greatest threat to mankind and moral decency. It includes amongst its membership Lex Luthor, Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Toyman, Captain Cold, Bizzaro Superman, Giganta, Star Sapphire, Black Manta, the Riddler, Sinestro, the Scarecrow, the liberal activist judges, Democratic politicians, and the teachers' union.

The Borg Collective- cybernetic humanoids that seek to perfect all races by assimilating people, stealing American jobs, and undermining Federation values by convincing our children to disobey their parents.

The Hall of Justice- a glorious paradise where souls gather round Batman and the JLA and sing praises to their names. In the end it will contain 144,000 DC Comicticians and one Marvelite. Everyone else is pretty well bound for Arkham.

Legion of Doom Sympathizers- members of our local school boards, congressional leaders, state and local officials, the media, Hollywood stars, and everybody else who rather see our children kneeling before the Black Manta instead of patiently studying up on the sacrifices Aquaman has made for us all.

Borg Operatives- agents recruited by the Borg to create a safe haven for the Collective in Sector 001 by passing Borg friendly legislation, influencing people with Borg ideals, and spreading Borg propaganda throughout the United States of America. Senator Joe McCarthy was just about to expose these agents back in the 195os before he got sidetracked nailing commies at which point he was brought down before he could let Americans everywhere know that the Borg had infiltrated the military, our schools, labor unions, and governmental institutions.

We've decided to resurrect some of Senator McCarthy's vigilance and here are a few of the more recent people from the global scene we've exposed for collaborating with the Borg and attempting to advance the Collective's agenda:













































The Five Pillars of Star Trek- Star Trek: The Orginal Series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise. Each episode of each series contains the literal truth which cannot be questioned.

Orthodox Trekiologists- a small sect of Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets who don't believe that Captain Picard was in command of the Starship Enterprise. They believe that no Starfleet Captains came after Captain Kirk and Captain Pike and are still waiting for the next Captain to board the starship and deliver us from the Borg.

David Marcus- Captain James T. Kirk's only begotten son who was sacrificed to the Klingons and died for our sinisters.

Possum- food you commoners have been ordered by this High Priest to eat at least once every Friday in accordance with Fatwa #11.


We hope that you will become acquainted with these terms and concepts. If you don't, well, you better get used to saying the words "your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own......" in unison with the rest of your commie friends aboard the nearest Borg cube.

Fatwa #12: On the Easter Bunny

Ever since my grandson turned 1, I have tried to teach him about the ways of the Batman and have told him repeatedly that spider bites don't give people super powers. I let him know about the Green Lantern Corps and their fight against evil and that the X-Men were a bunch of groupies hanging around with some old guy who did too much LSD in the 60's.

But in a blatant attempt to undermine the DC morals upon which this great nation was founded, the Easter Bunny has been delivering baskets like the one seen to your left and they're filled with dangerous propaganda.

So, it has come down to this:

Fatwa #12

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets hereby orders the arrest and detention of the Easter Bunny for distributing blasphemous literature and heresy against the teachings of the only religion that is true.

We understand that bunny rabbits are among the most deadly animals on the planet, but this rabbit won't just eat all your green bean plants- he will also spread lies which will buy your children a one way ticket to Arkham Asylum.

All Praise Be to Star Man for bestowing the leadership of this church with such a profound sense of morality that should be imposed on the rest of the planet.

Update:

Because of the generosity bestowed upon the masses by the leaders of this fine religious establishment, we have heard the pleas of mercy from Buzzard Billy and have decided to exclude all West Virginian Easter Bunnies from this order.

Lost: America's Moral Compass

If it isn't bad enough that our nation has succumb to Borg Collectivism, now the leaders of this church believe the opposition has also been co-opted by the Legion of Doom.

But let's not get ahead ourselves.

We start with some recent events that have spelled disaster for this great nation. First, the country elects Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama. Nevermind all those ridiculous distractions like the economy and a crumbling infrastructure. President Obama reads from cue cards. Can you believe that?! Then after that startling information comes to light, we found out that he bowed before some Saudi Arabian leader in the Middle East. This is devastating. America has never seen such imminent danger.

But we tried to warn you all. People get so worked up about a living wage, they fail to realize that they need to be worrying about a dying wage, in other words what will happen to their souls when they die. The scriptures teach us it is easier for a space station to travel through a collapsing wormhole then it is for a rich man to get into the Hall of Justice (well, unless you're Bruce Wayne or Ollie Queen- and in case you're wondering, you're not). It is better to starve to death and give all your money to millionaire bankers knowing that you have a friend in Plastic Man than it is to demand enough money so you can feed your family and pay for luxuries like heat and a roof over your head only be sent to Arkham Asylum for your insatiable greed.

It used to be that men of the people like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich and Dick Cheney were the lone voices out there trying to stop Borg values from overtaking our society. Now come to find out that these people are now saluting the Mad Hatter, one of Batman's most lethal foes, by throwing tea parties.

I mean we respect the premise of protests about raising taxes on rich people because everybody knows that what's good for the 1% who have everything is good for the other 99% who live paycheck to paycheck. Foolish people judge an economy based on how well the majority of the population is doing, but the wise understand that a good economy is all about some big rich white guy having talcum powder sprinkled over his wide ass next to a swimming pool located on the ranch of his third home. But are these patriots not aware of the threat that the Mad Hatter poses to our children?

What America needs is a Senator like Joe McCarthy. Senator McCarthy knew long before anyone else the Borg were sending operatives to this quadrant to try and quell the power of free market capitalism, which we know is the only system that truly works as made obvious by the booming economy the U.S. is experiencing today. Two days before McCarthy was going to expose all these Borg sympathizors in the highest levels of our society, he was brought down by the Collective's allies in the American Communist Party. The price we paid was dear.

Listen friends, we got to get back to the basics. We need to ban all imagery of supervillains immediately and we need to stop Borg Collectivism before something horrible happens, like credit card companies being unable to charge a reasonable 28% interest on loans. If this madness continues Walmart might actually have to recognize their employees' right to join a labor union. Then they might actually have to compete with other companies and that would be a devastating blow to the natural order- which means socialism for the wealthy and capitalism for everyone else. How fair is that?


Tags:
Tea Party, Economy, Hannity, Values, The Borg, Obama Bows Saudi Arabia, Mad Hatter, Plastic Man, Socialism, Capitalism

Our Response to the New Reformation

Friends,

We have some grave news. The unthinkable has happened over at A Sour Apple Tree. It appears that the Marquis have infiltrated Chris James' blog and are using it to sound off a massive rebellion against the central teachings of this church and the inherent right of its leaders to tell everyone how to live. We can only assume that Chris is being held hostage somewhere in the Badlands so we will prey for his immediate recovery.

We can only hope that the millions of people across the planet, who have embraced Captain Benjamin Sisko as the Alpha Quadrant's True Savior, will reject the 9.5 Theses and understand that we are the only ones who can get them into the Hall of Justice; they only need pay us vast sums in donations and vote the way we tell them to.

Upon learning of this dangerous new development, the Elders arranged for a meeting in the Bolian Sector (they would have chosen Khitomer, but the Five Pillars of Star Trek teach us that it will be destroyed by the Romulans) to denounce the heretical new Marquis doctrine that dares to question our authority and bountiful wisdom. From this meeting came the Elders' first papal bull.

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo, episcopus servus servorum Batgirl, Exsurge Te Dominion Se,

Arise, O Batman, and judge your own supervillains. Remember your reproaches to those who are filled with the Riddler's foolishness all through the day. Listen to our prayers, for criminals have arisen seeking to destroy the Watchtower and the divinity you and the Justice League of America have bestowed.

Rise, O Captain Pike, and fulfill your High Priest with the bountiful power of the Warp Drive. Give heed to the cause of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, mother of all churches and teacher of the DC Faith, whom you by the order of Starfleet Command, have consecrated by your blood. Against this Church, you warned, false superheroes and non-commissioned officers are rising, introducing ruinous sects, and drawing upon themselves speedy doom. Their tongues are fire, a restless evil, full of Poison Ivy's deadly kisses. They have bitter zeal, contention in their hearts, and boast and lie against the Truth.

We beseech you too, Mr. Terrific, to call upon the members of the Justice Society to come to our aid in this great time of spiritual crisis.

Their talkativeness, unsupported by the authority of the DC Scriptures or the Five Pillars of Star Trek, as Captain Hezesiah said in his personal log, would not win credence unless they appeared to support their perverse doctrine even with divine testimonies however badly interpreted. From their sight fear of the Batman has now passed.

We have decided to address the following errors being proposed by the heretical writings:

1) All green power rings have not been created equal in the eyes of the Guardians of Oa.

2) Denying the treasure of the church lies with Orion and the grace of Morn with no mention of the dangers of the Orion Syndicate or the Romulan Ale served at Quarks'.

3) Through contrition to a priest of the Holy Starfleet Captains and Hawkman alone, a person can come clean of the Original Sinister and that no sinsiters are racked up against souls once they meet Superdog at the gates of the Hall of Justice if such salvation hath been promised.

4) We do not acknowledge the sacrifices made by Admiral Janeway nor understand that avoiding Borg assimilation requires vigilant understanding of the lessons She has tried to teach us.

4.75) This Holy Body of Wonder Woman's Almighty Grace spends more time granting pardons to people found guilty of collaborating with the Legion of Doom, sympathizing with Borg objectives, and reading Marvel Comics then it does preaching of the Martian Manhunter's love for humanity and Starfleet's plan for salvation.

No one of sound mind is unaware of how destructive, pernicious, scandalous, and seductive to pious and simple minds these various errors are. And those who lack sound mind must ultimately be treated by the doctors employed at Arkham Asylum. Are they so opposed to the charity of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets that are they unaware how destructive they are to the vigor of ecclesiastical discipline, namely obedience at election time.

Therefore, it is resolved that we must take the Joker's bag of deadly toys, laughing gas, and dangerous tricks and dump them for all to plainly see. We must take the axe to the trees planted by shape-shifters before they bear fruit and create more dissension in the ranks of the faithful causing people to come to some mistaken conclusion that the leaders of the church, namely the High Priest, aren't always right and that everyone else isn't always wrong.

Therefore let the Marquis themselves and all those adhering to them, and those who shelter and support them, through the merciful heart of Superman and the sprinkling of the commands from Captain Jean Luc Picard by which and through whom the redemption of the human race and the upbuilding of the First Church was accomplished. Know that from our hearts we exhort and beseech that they cease to disturb the peace, unity, truth, and all future U.S. elections.

We enjoin, however, on the Marquis that in the meantime they cease from all preaching or the office of preachers....


Tags:
A Sour Apple Tree, Contrition, Protestant Faith, Salvation, Original Sinister, Batman, Chris James