Wednesday, February 25, 2009

We Have the Answers Pt 3: What Awaits Us in the Afterlife

The Elders were recently contacted by some aliens who represent all four quadrants of our galaxy about a documentary on the Terran view of the afterlife. The program is supposed to go out an Intergalactic Public Broadcasting network and I joined a couple of the other comic book followers from Sector 001 in explaining our beliefs.

Dr. Pat Robertson:

"Jesus gave a parable, very clear, about a rich man who dined sumptuously. He wore beautiful clothes. There was a beggar named Lazarus who was content to eat the scraps off the rich man’s table. The Bible says they both died. He says the beggar was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man wound up in hell. He saw Lazarus in Abraham’s bosom, and he says, 'Please, send Lazarus over to me and just dip his finger in some water, because I am 'tormented by this flame.'' Abraham said, 'I’m sorry, old buddy, but there is a great gulf between us. He can’t go from where he is to you, and you can’t come over to us. You are set there forever.' Jesus Himself talked about outer darkness. He talked about a lake that burns with fire. He talked about eternal separation from God. Hell is real. Whether it’s the torment of the flames of remorse, it’s what you could have had. The Bible talks the lake of fire reserved for the devil and his angels. There is no doubt that it’s real."

Pastor John Hagee:

"In the first moment after your last breath, angels will escort you to Heaven, into the presence of God. Jesus implied as much when telling the story of the rich man and Lazarus, the poor beggar. Jesus said, ' So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by angels to Abraham's bosom'(Luke 16:22).

"God Himself will meet you at the gates of heaven and wipe any tears from your eyes. Scripture says, '… for the lamb who is in the midst of the throne will Shepard them and led them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away ever tear from there eyes' (revalation7:17). You'll never have reason to weep again. You'll never have to say good-bye again. You'll never fell physical or emotional pain again; You'll never experience another moment of regret, remorse, or rejection.

"You will receive a dazzling white robe of righteousness, without spot or wrinkle. Ephesians 5:27 states, '… that He might present her [the bride of Christ] to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.' The church is the bride of Christ, and God is preparing us to step into eternity with Him at any moment!

"Are you prepared for your 'promotion'? Now is the time to do what God has called you to do. Today is your opportunity to tell someone else about Jesus, to you neighbor, and to do good in Jesus' name. Remember, the clock is ticking… time is almost up.

"The best is yet to come! You need not fear leaving your comfort zone. Men and women cannot discover new oceans unless they have the courage to lose sight of the shore. Now is the time to get ready! Heaven is only a breath away!"

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo:

"Ever since the Preservers scattered our DNA across the four corners of the galaxy to evolve in their image, we have had a choice; a choice between embracing the founding principles of the Justice League and the United Federation of Planets or following the path of the Borg Collective and the Legion of Doom.

"But unlike those comic books that don't have any pictures in them, we offer you two opportunities for bliss. If you welcome Batgirl and Captain James T. Kirk into your heart and submit to Their divinity, you can either join the Justice League in the Hall of Justice or join Starfleet Academy so that you may one day sit at Captain Jean Luc Picard's side. If you die a glorious death in battle against the Dominion, you will then proceed to the Hall of Justice.

"In your first moments after death you will either be beamed aboard a starship or greeted by Superdog at the gates of the Hall of Justice. One way or another you will judged on how well you followed the path laid out for us in DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek. Superdog will have a list of souls who will be allowed admittance. The commanding officer aboard the starship will decide whether your soul is worthy of Starfleet training. It's all up to you.

"The alternative to embracing the love of Captain Kirk and accepting Batman as Gotham's True Savior is either being dragged by the hair to Arkham Asylum for all eternity or to be sent in an unarmed shuttle craft directly into Borg space where you will be assimilated and tortured for the rest of your existence- after which you will be sent to Arkham. There, you will be forever separated from the wisdom of Superman and Starfleet Command.

"For the Batman Chronicles tell us, 'the mighty Batman is upon the surprised Joker before he can use his venom gun.' and He saith unto the Joker, 'Why don't you laugh now, Mr. Joker?' Verily, what the Bat is trying to tell us is that those who are laughing now will be crying later.

"You see, Captain Picard is real. The Joker is real. Batman is real. Arkham is real. Your soul is real and all criminals are weak and cowardly. The Day of the Legion is upon us and the Borg are going to invade this planet any minute.

"Tell all your friends, the Hall of Justice awaits them. Embrace the teachings of the Justice League of America and get your promotion to First Officer aboard the Enterprise E. Eternity awaits your decision, so choose wisely."


1 comment:

Malach the Merciless said...

I'll take door number three Monte