Friday, February 27, 2009

We Have the Answers Part 7: How to Stop the Moral Corrosion of Our Society

I hear people talking all the time about the need to get back to the basics. They feel that America has lost its way and turned into a nation of crime, sex, and drugs. And we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets couldn't agree more.

But the people who read that big, pictureless comic book called the Holy Bible seem to think the solution to the problem is prayer in school to some guy who could have played lead guitar for the Doobie Brothers, teaching kids about some old white man in the sky, and hanging the ten commandments in our public buildings. I fail to see how any of this is going to accomplish anything. How can these guys who never even took command of Galaxy-class starship fix the problems we face everyday in this country?

This is why I hereby propose another alternative which should prove much more effective: light up the Batsignal over every city and town in America. With Batman on our side we really can't fail, but if we ignore Him; He is most likely going to ignore us. The answer to the problem is clear.

Seriously, if we light up our skies with this great signal which the Bat hath handed down to us to use when we need His protection (or the protection of Robin, Batgirl, and Nightwing) people will think twice before they do something wrong. Throw the Batsignal up every night and explain to our children what it means and watch them grow to respect the laws and common decency upon which this nation was founded.

This is just plain common sense, people. Lobby your city hall, your courthouses, and your public schools to bring America back the basics by showing the Batman that Yes! We, here in this nation full of Gothamites, still believe in Him and still yearn for His love and protection.


We Have the Answers Part 6: How Life Began

A new $27 million dollar museum has opened down in Kentucky called the Creation Museum. There, people are treated to an "alternative" perspective on how the earth came be. It presents world history and science from a biblical perspective. According to them, the world is only 6,000 years old, the dinosaurs were cast out of the Garden of Eden along with Adam and Eve, and the Grand Canyon was created by the flood that killed everyone except Noah and his family.


I thought that everyone knew by now how life came to be on this planet; a group of humanoids from another galaxy scattered their DNA throughout the Milky Way Galaxy in order to preserve some part of themselves after they realized they were dying off. This DNA was set to evolve so that on earth-like environments, one species of Mammal would be dominant and resemble this mysterious, dying race of preservers.

As a matter of fact, Q took Captain Jean Luc Picard back in time to the beginning of life on earth and showed him a pool of genomes electronically combusting to form life- not Adam and Eve making love for the first time!

Turn with me, please, to Star Trek The Next Generation (Season 6:20):

"You're wondering who we are; why we have done this; how it has come that I stand before you - the image of a being from so long ago. Life evolved on my planet before all others in this part of the galaxy. We left our world, explored the stars and found none like ourselves. Our civilization thrived for ages, but what is the life of one race, compared to the vast stretches of cosmic time?

We knew that one day we would be gone, and nothing of us would survive - so we left you. Our scientists seeded the primordial oceans of many worlds, where life was in its infancy. This body you see before you, which is of course shaped as yours is shaped, for you are the end result. The seed code also contains this message, which was scattered in fragments on many different worlds.

It was our hope that you would have to come together in fellowship and companionship to hear this message, and if you can see and hear me, our hope has been fulfilled. You are a monument, not to our greatness, but to our existence. That was our wish - that you too would know life and would keep alive our memory. There is something of us in each of you, and so, something of you in each other. Remember us."

I think its clear where the Truth can be found and it isn't in that graphic novel they call Genesis. And how do we reward this ancient race who seeded the oceans with our DNA? By banning them from our schools and replacing them with two conflicting stories of equal absurdity: the Bible's version of creation and Darwin's theory of evolution. Here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, we believe there is no need for conflict. The Five Pillars of Star Trek teach us that we evolved by the intelligent design of an ancient race known as the Preservers. That's all the children need to know.

I mean the biblical creationist theories are colorful and interesting. But while their theories might address the question of how humans ended up on earth; they fail to explain how the Vulcans ended up on Vulcan or how the Klingons ended up on Qo'Nos. I really do hope parents will take that into account before they take their kids to this Creation Museum and let them think that any of it is historically or scientifically accurate.


Thursday, February 26, 2009

We Have the Answers Part 5: What We Need to Fear

The other day I heard people saying that recent events taking place in the world today are signs the end of the world is near. One woman even spoke of the Apokolips and I began to violently shake in my shoes.

I don't think people realize just how serious this is.

If Darkseid is planning an invasion, we had best prepare ourselves immediately.

Read about it here:

"Surprisingly, Apokolips is second to New Genesis in technological advancement. With their technology, they are the height of power in most of the universe and are able to devastate galaxies when they choose to use it. Apokoliptian technology is furthermore the source of unparalleled misery in the universe as the planet routinely arms evil groups with advanced technology in order to further its influence (and misery) across the universe."

This is no shit. I mean if you're one of those people who fears Hillary Clinton, you're going to just love Granny Goodness.


We Have the Answers Part 4: Why Illegal Aliens Are So Dangerous

I'm going to say this because somebody has to. I'm scared for our future. I'm scared at the prospect of illegal aliens crossing the borders which separate the Alpha Quadrant from the Beta, Gamma, and Delta Quadrants. If this is allowed to continue, none of us will have jobs and Terrans everywhere will be forced to learn Klingon, Borg, Romulan, and Dominionese.

So who are these aliens that are migrating to the Quadrant of the Free everyday looking for handouts and seeking to destroy our very way of life? Well, let's cover a few of the more dangerous ones.

The Klingons- Sure, they will become Federation allies in the 24th century, but don't let that fool you- we can be their friends so long as they stay within the Qo'nos sphere of influence; meaning the Beta Quadrant. These aliens put a lot of stock in pride and honor. So when they come to this land in search of those dream jobs that everyone wants (like working on a farm for less than a dollar fifty an hour for twelve hours a day in the burning hot sun) they will require no paychecks at all. Klingon warriors need only be convinced that rapid production for nothing is a matter of honor and their pay will be satisfied.

The Founders (aka Shape Shifters, aka Changlings)- the rulers of the Dominion. These beings from the Gamma Quadrant can assume any shape or form they so desire. They can become you and go to work for you- which wouldn't be all bad except that they can also cash your paycheck on Friday. Put ten shape-shifters on a work site and that's ten of us who are out of a job. They can also change form again and go down to the local welfare office where they can receive food stamps and medicaid. If we allow these aliens to integrate into our society, we'll be singing the Star-Spangled Banner in Dominionese while the Alpha Quadrant goes broke. Clearly, this is a threat at the highest levels.

The Borg Collective- these drones from the Delta Quadrant will do your job five times faster than you will. They don't complain and they follow orders without question. Plus, they don't require food which means that they won't even ask for lunch breaks. All employers will have to do to keep these aliens productive is set up a few alcoves in which they can regenerate. That will ultimately be much cheaper for potential employers than having to cough up a whole $6.55 an hour.

The Viidians- also from the Delta Quadrant. These aliens will not only steal our jobs, they will also steal our body organs because their entire race is plagued with some infectious disease that makes leprosy look like a sunny day at the park. They need fresh body parts to survive and to get back those fashion model faces. If this ain't a threat to national security, I honestly don't know what the fuck is. No more Viidians should be allowed to cross the border of the Delta Quadrant and that is just that.

The Romulans- an offshoot of the Vulcan race. But unlike the Vulcans, Romulans are treacherous, violent, and governed by intense passion. If they are allowed to immigrate here from the Beta Quadrant, there won't be a safe bar in all of Manhattan. They will steal our jobs when our backs our turned quicker than you can say, "Space, the final frontier....". And giving these aliens driver's licenses will put the capital "D" in the word total disaster. Talk about some road rage now.

These are the questions you should be asking yourself during the next election before you spin the wheel on those video poker machines that select our representatives for us. Our very livelihoods are at stake here, people.

In the meantime, contact your senators and representatives and tell them you and your children have no plans to learn Romulan. Tell them that you want your government to build electric barbwire fences around all borders and cross sections of space that lead to the Alpha Quadrant. Tell them that you want bans placed on wormhole traffic and blood screenings in all buildings and on every job site (in case a few shape-shifters slip through).

Get it together. Let's keep the Alpha Quadrant free and prosperous for Alpha Quandrians First.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

We Have the Answers Pt 3: What Awaits Us in the Afterlife

The Elders were recently contacted by some aliens who represent all four quadrants of our galaxy about a documentary on the Terran view of the afterlife. The program is supposed to go out an Intergalactic Public Broadcasting network and I joined a couple of the other comic book followers from Sector 001 in explaining our beliefs.

Dr. Pat Robertson:

"Jesus gave a parable, very clear, about a rich man who dined sumptuously. He wore beautiful clothes. There was a beggar named Lazarus who was content to eat the scraps off the rich man’s table. The Bible says they both died. He says the beggar was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man wound up in hell. He saw Lazarus in Abraham’s bosom, and he says, 'Please, send Lazarus over to me and just dip his finger in some water, because I am 'tormented by this flame.'' Abraham said, 'I’m sorry, old buddy, but there is a great gulf between us. He can’t go from where he is to you, and you can’t come over to us. You are set there forever.' Jesus Himself talked about outer darkness. He talked about a lake that burns with fire. He talked about eternal separation from God. Hell is real. Whether it’s the torment of the flames of remorse, it’s what you could have had. The Bible talks the lake of fire reserved for the devil and his angels. There is no doubt that it’s real."

Pastor John Hagee:

"In the first moment after your last breath, angels will escort you to Heaven, into the presence of God. Jesus implied as much when telling the story of the rich man and Lazarus, the poor beggar. Jesus said, ' So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by angels to Abraham's bosom'(Luke 16:22).

"God Himself will meet you at the gates of heaven and wipe any tears from your eyes. Scripture says, '… for the lamb who is in the midst of the throne will Shepard them and led them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away ever tear from there eyes' (revalation7:17). You'll never have reason to weep again. You'll never have to say good-bye again. You'll never fell physical or emotional pain again; You'll never experience another moment of regret, remorse, or rejection.

"You will receive a dazzling white robe of righteousness, without spot or wrinkle. Ephesians 5:27 states, '… that He might present her [the bride of Christ] to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.' The church is the bride of Christ, and God is preparing us to step into eternity with Him at any moment!

"Are you prepared for your 'promotion'? Now is the time to do what God has called you to do. Today is your opportunity to tell someone else about Jesus, to you neighbor, and to do good in Jesus' name. Remember, the clock is ticking… time is almost up.

"The best is yet to come! You need not fear leaving your comfort zone. Men and women cannot discover new oceans unless they have the courage to lose sight of the shore. Now is the time to get ready! Heaven is only a breath away!"

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo:

"Ever since the Preservers scattered our DNA across the four corners of the galaxy to evolve in their image, we have had a choice; a choice between embracing the founding principles of the Justice League and the United Federation of Planets or following the path of the Borg Collective and the Legion of Doom.

"But unlike those comic books that don't have any pictures in them, we offer you two opportunities for bliss. If you welcome Batgirl and Captain James T. Kirk into your heart and submit to Their divinity, you can either join the Justice League in the Hall of Justice or join Starfleet Academy so that you may one day sit at Captain Jean Luc Picard's side. If you die a glorious death in battle against the Dominion, you will then proceed to the Hall of Justice.

"In your first moments after death you will either be beamed aboard a starship or greeted by Superdog at the gates of the Hall of Justice. One way or another you will judged on how well you followed the path laid out for us in DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek. Superdog will have a list of souls who will be allowed admittance. The commanding officer aboard the starship will decide whether your soul is worthy of Starfleet training. It's all up to you.

"The alternative to embracing the love of Captain Kirk and accepting Batman as Gotham's True Savior is either being dragged by the hair to Arkham Asylum for all eternity or to be sent in an unarmed shuttle craft directly into Borg space where you will be assimilated and tortured for the rest of your existence- after which you will be sent to Arkham. There, you will be forever separated from the wisdom of Superman and Starfleet Command.

"For the Batman Chronicles tell us, 'the mighty Batman is upon the surprised Joker before he can use his venom gun.' and He saith unto the Joker, 'Why don't you laugh now, Mr. Joker?' Verily, what the Bat is trying to tell us is that those who are laughing now will be crying later.

"You see, Captain Picard is real. The Joker is real. Batman is real. Arkham is real. Your soul is real and all criminals are weak and cowardly. The Day of the Legion is upon us and the Borg are going to invade this planet any minute.

"Tell all your friends, the Hall of Justice awaits them. Embrace the teachings of the Justice League of America and get your promotion to First Officer aboard the Enterprise E. Eternity awaits your decision, so choose wisely."


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

We Have the Answers Pt 2: Why Society is Crumbling

A 2 Part Series:

In a nearby town, the high school's sports teams are called the Blue Devils. Another nearby town has the Red Devils. Religious figures have often called on these names to be changed because they believe that the Devil really exists and we should not be encouraging support for this evil master of the dark realm.

Pat Robertson's 700 Club and other fundamentalist organizations routinely call for the banning of Halloween for much the same reason: we shouldn't be encouraging our kids to dress up as goblins and witches because they believe such characters are real and do the daily work of Satan, himself.

Well, the other day I got to looking around and I noticed something wasn't right. People everywhere are wearing Nikes. Aside from the fact that Nike Inc. is king when it comes to exploiting sweatshop labor and charging $100 for a pair of shoes made by some ten year-old kid from the third world who makes about 5 cents an hour, I also couldn't help but notice that they also use the same logo as Captain Boomerang, a ruthless enemy of the Flash who devises explosive boomerangs to terrorize the people of Central City.

Clearly, this is unacceptable. From Wikipedia on this evil supervillian:

"Although he lacked any actual superhuman abilities, he became a recurring enemy of the Flash, typically by devising altered boomerangs which could produce astonishing effects (some would explode, others had razor-sharp edges, etc.), and using them ruthlessly. He became a staple member of the Rogues Gallery, a group of villains dedicated to opposing Flash."

Celebrating a staple member of the Rogues Gallery! This is an outrage. What's next? Pictures of Captain Cold on lunch boxes? Mirrors on people's tee-shirts that the Mirror Master could use to travel from dimension to dimension and control people's minds?

Before we start banning Halloween and removing devil logos from high school football teams, we need to get Captain Boomerang's logo off the street before this gets out of hand. It's an affront to justice everywhere and it's offensive to the Flash.

2nd Sermon in Series:

Some people still don't believe me when I tell them that America is lost. We, as a nation, have gone downhill since we began turning our backs on the Justice League. Ever since we've removed Superman from our public schools, "anything goes" is apparently this nation's motto.

Here's more proof. When I was pushing my buggy down the cosmetics aisle in the store yesterday, I couldn't help but notice something strange in the deodorant section. Ultra Dry Degree is using the symbol of Captain Boomerang to sell their product!

Along with Captain Cold and the Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang is one of the founding members of the Rogues Gallery, which is dedicated to destroying the Flash, our Scarlett Speedster. His boomerangs reek havoc everywhere, often exploding on impact. But despite all this, retail stores around the nation seem to have no moral qualms with spreading his image everywhere.

So I went directly to the store manager and demanded that these evil symbols of destruction and doom be pulled off their shelves immediately. Well, I was thrown out of the store and asked never to come back- if you can believe that.

And, folks, this about sums up where we are today. The heinous crimes of Captain Boomerang and his symbolism take precedence over the teachings and sacrifices of the Flash. Yet, people still wonder why we, as a nation, face so many problems in our daily lives.

I hope you realize just what it is you are doing when you apply this evil deodorant to your under arms after a shower. This is more than just some agent to keep your armpits dry; it's an agent of Gorilla Grodd, the Rogues Gallery, and the Legion of Doom.

We hereby demand that Degree and Nike shoes be removed from the public eye until they remove these offensive symbols from their product. No child anywhere should be exposed to this very real dangerous influence.

We Have the Answers Part 1: What Happened to the Dinosaurs

Let us begin today's lesson on just what exactly happened the dinosaurs. We know for certain that none of them are around today, but that's just on this planet.

While Captain Kathryn Janeway was stuck in the Delta Quadrant along with the rest of her crew aboard the Starship Voyager, she made contact with a reptilian race called the Voth or Saurians (Star Trek Voyager, Season 3: Chapter 23). Two of the Voth scientists, one named Gegen, believed that their people came from a distant far away planet and they discover through meeting the crew of Voyager that that planet is called Earth. Professor Gegen called this the "Distant Origin Theory".

Captain Janeway and the Doctor use holographic imagines to confirm Professor Gegen's findings. They figure out that the Voth did indeed descend from the Hadrosaur which evolved right here on our own planet. Apparently, millions of years ago these Hadrosaurs realized that they were about to be wiped out by reoccurring natural disasters; so they banded together and invented warp powered vessels then headed out toward the other side of the galaxy to find a new world where they could live.

Professor Gegen was criticized and faced a trial for his unorthodox views and for challenging the Voth Ministry of Elders' doctrine that the Voth/Saurians were the first intelligent species in their realm of space. Even though the scientific evidence was right there in front of the Ministry, they chose to ignore it and punish Gegen for heresy instead.

I realize it's hard for us here on Earth to imagine governments and religious figures denying scientific facts and reason because it conflicts with certain beliefs and doctrines, but apparently it happens within the Voth realm of space.

So before people even think of teaching kids in our public schools that the dinosaurs died off because none of them would fit on Noah's Ark, they had better include the account of the Saurians and their quest for a new home out there in the Delta Quadrant where they formed the highly, technologically advanced civilization of the Voth.

It's only fair.

Important Message for the Upcoming Weeks

Good evening,

Here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of United Federation of Planets we understand that the majority of you who are reading this are headed straight for Arkham Asylum. That being said, we are in the business of saving souls and we want to save yours by letting you know that Batgirl has good news to share with you. We want you to know that by following the path laid out for us by the JLA and Starfleet Command, you too can know the bliss that comes from knowing that Captain James T. Kirk was on a five year mission to seek out new life and new civilizations.

Friends, the end is near and the signs are everywhere. We have a man in the white house who's full name is Barack Hussein Luthor Obama and nothing could be more undermining to the principles this nation and its Founding Fathers who understood that Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinisters than to have someone who clearly believes the Legion of Doom, the Sinestro Corps, the Dominion, and the Borg Collective don't pose a threat to our way of life- daily.

So the Elders have decided we need to recast some of our past sermons. It's important that we keep Charles Darwin out of our public schools because his theories on evolution do not adequately explain certain theories that we all know to be true. He may have understood how turtles became birds or whatever, but he fails to account for how life evolved on Vulcan or how Klingons ended up becoming the dominant life on Q'onos. On the other hand, the Five Pillars of Star Trek (The Original Series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise) have all the answers our children need to learn.

It's important to understand why the color yellow should be banned from the public sphere and how ice machines in motels influence our children to grow up and become arch criminals like Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold, and Killer Frost.

And so we bring these lessons back not only because Truth is eternal, but because we, the leaders of this church, understand the Truth and graciously interpret it for you. Thinking is a burden which we seek alleviate.

So close your minds to the blasphemy that follows from asking too many questions and hear the teachings handed down by Starfleet Command and the Justice League of America. The question is will you hear the call and board the Enterprise E when you die or will you allow yourself to become another victim of the oncoming Borg Cubes?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Today's Sermon: The Legion of Doom Wants Your Children

Good morning,

Most of us go to work everyday thinking about the Batman and all of the wonderful things He has done for our lives. But how many us are truly devoted His righteousness and take the teachings of the JLA as seriously as we should?

My friends, we are all were all born with the Original Sinister, therefore we all are all sinisters by nature. That is why we all need to cleanse ourselves with daily prayers to our Heroes in the Watchtower and daily readings from the DC scriptures.

But it saddens me that youngsters these days have no respect for the things that the Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman do for us every day. It's not an accident. No. The Legion of Doom is well versed in the vulnerability of a child's morals. Their agents use fancy words, colorful pictures, and Gorilla Grodd's mind beams to lead our children into a life of depravity. We as adults aren't doing them any favors when we allow them to carry Incredible Hulk lunchboxes to school and watch Anime when they come home. We can't tell our children that Marvel Comics and Anime teach false prophesies which conflict with the literal Truth found only in DC Comics and allow them to indulge in this blasphemy against Krypton. We can't teach our children that Bruce Wayne is the Only Batman and Robin is His Partner then turn the other cheek while they watch Spiderman cartoons on TV.

So we've resurrected this eternal message from the 70's which we hope will help you teach your children that DC Comics aren't just pictures and words in speech balloons, they're a handbook on how to live your life right in the eyes of the Martian Manhunter and the Justice League of America:

All Praise Be to Aquaman this important message that we should all be carrying in our hearts.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Faces of Evil

You might notice that the DC scriptures have taken a turn with new prophesies called "Faces of Evil". We urge you all to read these scriptures while keeping in mind that every single word in every single issue is the literal truth. (As always, you need to read without thinking too much because as soon as you start asking questions, the doctors in Arkham Asylum are preparing a bed for your eternal soul.)

Friends, what the Prophets are trying to teach you is that we cannot turn our backs on the evil which lurks under every bed, inside every closet, and under every rock. You are seconds away from imminent destruction, disaster and doom every single day and if you aren't scared from the time you wake up until the time you go to bed then you are putting your soul at grave risk.

The underlying message to "Faces of Evil" is simple.

The Cheetah is not just a dangerous supervillian who is committed to the destruction of Wonder Woman, she's that woman on your local school board who refuses to allow a moment of silence in our public schools every morning so that our children may quietly pray to Hawkgirl for deliverance.

Lex Luthor isn't just the arch-criminal with a diabolical and insane genius, he's that politician who works hard everyday to undermine our nation's moral fabric by preventing those of us who have accepted Batman into our hearts from putting the Batsignal over every single courthouse and public building. He's that mayor and councilperson who feels hanging Superman's picture in our courtrooms and leading a prayer to the Justice League before every trial is a violation of the First Amendment. I challenge these so called liberals to show me where just exactly where in the Constitution it says we can't worship (or force other people to worship) Plastic Man in public. We all know that the Founding Fathers were avid readers and believers in the Word of DC Comics, yet all these activist judges would have us believe otherwise. They are the Faces of Evil.

But there is good news! The Justice League of America is real and they're out there fighting to preserve our way of life. No arch-villain, liberal activist judge, secular humanist, or Marvel Comics reader can stop them. The question is: when the Day of the Legion of Doom arrives which side will you be on? Will you side with the Faces of Evil or will you accept the love that the Justice League has to offer you and sit with the Martian Manhunter for all eternity in the Hall of Justice where streets are paved with gold and all suffering is nonexistent?

Friends please, listen to the message and embrace Batgirl. Your salvation is entirely up to you. Remember, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Mr. Freeze Strikes Again

Some of my friends have been complaining about how the weather has went from the 50s down into the teens. And they seem to have forgotten what I told them: when people turn their backs on the Batman's teachings, bad things are going to happen to everyone. It has nothing to do with weather patterns, barometric pressures, or cold fronts. It has to do with how much faith a people has in the JLA.

If we falter in our devotion to our Heroes in the Watchtower, the Justice League will stand by and do nothing while arch-criminals like Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold and the Weather Wizard- who struck us all with wind storms last week because people refused to the hear the call to pay homage to the Flash for all He does to protect our way of life.

You better get with it, people. The sooner we get all our kids around the flag pole to hold hands and pray to Batgirl for Her blessing and forgiveness- the sooner we will have eternal bliss and 70 degree days of sunshine.

If we don't change our sinister ways, who knows what might happen next week. The Black Manta might destroy all of West Virginia with a tsunami or the Joker might unload millions of pounds of Smilex gas upon the populace. Or we might even up with a total jackass for a governor and none of us in this state knows what that is like.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Missing Days of the Reverend

People from all over the world have been wondering why I was absent for most of December and all of January. Well, as the only True spokesperson for the Martian Manhunter's plan of salvation, I feel it's only right to explain why I haven't been spreading Batgirl's good news and checking everyone's blogs for points of heresy and impure thoughts.

After the Legion of Doom got their man elected to the white house against the dire warnings of this church and the Truth we hold within our shrines, I needed some time to reflect on just why people would choose to ignore the wisdom of Batman and refuse to write-in the popular vice-president, Dick Cheney, a true man of the people who has proven time and time again that he's a real leader.

With the blessing of the Elders, I felt it was time to travel to Oa in an attempt to join the Green Lantern Corps. I have always supported the troops against Sinstro, his evil minions, and the color yellow. It was time to put my beliefs into action.

Unfortunately, after rigorous tests and training I was passed over by the floating Green Ring and another was chosen. Someone without a beer gut, who didn't smoke and could run a few yards without being totally out of breath (and since smoking inside those green bubbles when floating through space is prohibited, the Ring probably made the right decision).

The Guradians of Oa instructed me to return to Sector 2814 and continue to spread the gospel of the Green Lantern. They wanted me to let you know that the day is drawing near when all Terrans must choose between an eternity of bliss and one of pure damnation.

So I'm back to remind you all of your daily sinsiters and how the need to repent and confess your love for the Justice League is more pressing then ever. Heed the warning.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Where Can You Find the Answers? Hint: Not the Holy Bible

I think we can all agree that this world is filled with madness.

It's a part of life we have to accept. You see we were all born with "the original sinister" which means that as soon as the doctor snips your umbilical cord you are planning the perfect diamond heist. Don't deny it. The first cry to come out your mouth can easily be translated as "I want to don a gaudy costume and become an arch-criminal". It is only through the Justice League of America and Starfleet Command that we can find salvation from a destiny Lex Luthor and the Borg Collective are more than happy to exploit.

But even the "original sinister" can't adequately explain the insanity one will find in the Baptist Times. We won't even mention how insulting it is to Aquaman that people think they can cleanse their souls by being submerged in water. If you can't communicate with fish while your under there, you're wasting your time and you're denying the Truth: Aquaman is the only King of Atlantis and Aqualad is His Partner.

But listen to this from "the Times":

Christians can make a 'fresh and distinctive' contribution to the public debate about this new capitalism, which 'marries wealth creation and social justice', the statement said.

For instance, the Bible teaches that wealth is a gift for the whole community. Wealth creation must serve a just society, and 'we therefore recognise the critical role for commercial enterprise in poverty alleviation,' the statement continued.

If these people really want to contribute to a positive economy, the first thing they can do is give up on that God who has no heat ray vision, utility belt, or golden magic lasso. Seriously, when was the last time you turned on a holy episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and saw Jesus Christ leading a Galaxy-class starship into battle with one of the Federation's lethal enemies.

The only thing the Bible teaches is that there is no planet called Vulcan and no dimension where Bizarro Superman reigns supreme. We find this insulting when the scriptures of DC Comics and Star Trek plainly show that both worlds exist and have daily meaning to each and every one of our lives. What part of "to boldly go where no man has gone before" do these people not understand?

Friends, we have a choice. An economy that reflects the morals of Batman and one that reflects the wicked ways of the Legion of Doom. It is better to die broke and unemployed and enter the Hall of Justice than it is to get a little money from this new bailout package and end up in one Arkham Asylum's straight jackets.

"Fresh and distinctive" is no substitute for pious and rigid. But, it would appear that for some the lesson won't be learned until they've been strapped down to a gurney and given a lobotomy by one of Arkham's tenured doctors.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Prayer for a Speedy Recovery: The Flash

Good evening, friends. Let us bow our heads.

Dear Flash,

Hallow be thy name. And blessed be those who await our souls in the Hall of Justice.

We ask you in the name of the Justice League to help speed our nation's recovery. Please grant your superpower of speed to the opposition to all these new economic programs which were undoubtedly hatched from the minds of Gorilla Grodd, the Trickster, and Captain Cold. For only you can understand the sinister motives behind these arch-criminals and the undo influence they have over our children and the impressionable minds of young adults. The new Rouges Gallery counterculture that has arisen over the past few decades to promote public indecency, immorality and the X-Men cannot endure.

Flash, we ask forgiveness for all those who have chosen ignore the lessons you've tried to teach us and instead look to the Punisher and the Fantastic Four for answers. We ask that you and your friends have mercy upon this nation which has turned the public sphere into a Legion of Doom hotbed for secular humanism, liberalism, Anime, and Marvel Comics and away from the moral fabric that can only be found within the teachings of the Justice League and the Justice Society.

Our Scarlet Speedster, we ask that you watch over us as you race back and forth across the planet fighting evil wherever it rears its ugly head. Just as the four men who donned the rightous costume befriended the Green Lantern's, we ask that you befriend those of us who believe that only the JLA can save us from our sinisters.

In Bart Allen's name we pray,


Sunday, February 8, 2009

Taking the Plunge with Aquaman's Grace

Good evening friends,

Tonight, I would like you to take a few minutes to remember what Aquaman has tried to teach you. There is no body of water too deep or too cold to jump into. Just as Aquaman swims through perilous waters of all depths and temperatures to keep us safe from the evil schemes of Black Manta, so too are we expected to do what is necessary when the cause is just and submerge ourselves in ice water in the beginning of February.

Now, infidels and the nonbelievers will ask, "Reverend D., why would you do such a thing?" My reply would be, "why does Aquaman brave the cold water talking to fish everyday in order to save us from our sinisters?" I think the Truth is plain to see for all who choose to see the JLA's wisdom.

Yesterday, a few of us accepted Aquaman into our hearts and jumped in some ice water. And some who didn't jump did a great job raising some money to help out here and offered those of us who did plunge moral support. We had a really good time meeting, talking, swimmin' and freezin' and most of all- being thankful to Batgirl for watching over us with Her almighty blessing.

So here is a roundup of some folks who will one day sit at the Batman's side in the Hall of Justice:


The Film Geek

Jackie, who has been granted asylum by the Elders even though he refuses to give up on Marvel Comics blasphemy.

The Godfather

All Click

Mountain Laurel


May the Martian Manhunter bless us that we may all have this chance to get together again.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Stimulus Package Trojan Horse

In our last sermon, we ordered you to beware of "stimulus packages" and rebuilding our nation's infrastructure. I would like to take this opportunity to expand on our church's position about this liberal Legion of Doom and hostile Borg takeover we are experiencing in the United States.

First off, we know that the nonbelievers in congress have earmarked millions of tax payer dollars to go to the their favorite arch-criminal friends. Some want to channel money in to Luthor Corp technology still others are so in love with the Joker that they're willing to invest in Smilex Gas. All of this money is being earmarked to undermine the moral fabric of this country which was founded on the principles of DC Comics and Starfleet directives.

The Batman is watching.

Secondly, the "stimulus package" does not contain enough tax cuts for the wealthy. How are millionaires who strive to live their lives like Bruce Wayne and Ollie Queen going to fund new projects to become superheroes with government breathing down their necks all day. No one making over $500,000 a year should even pay taxes. Taxes are for the little people who can only hope to die a quick and early death so that they may join Wonder Woman and the JLA in the Hall of Justice. In the Hall of Justice everyday is sunshine and no stimulus packages are needed.

The secular humanist liberals of the country want to turn this great nation into a socialist boot camp for losers and commies. If we let them, they'll succeed. If people really want to see where stimulus packages lead, they need look no further than the nearest Borg Cube where they will see just what a real hippy commune looks like.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A New Era


We are embarking upon a new era. The choice before us now is whether we will follow the path laid out for us in the scriptures of DC Comics or whether we will follow the Joker straight into the bowels of Arkham Asylum.

Beware, my friends, of the new liberal nihilistic mantra. All this talk about stimulus packages when we need to be stimulating our spirits so that we may die and go to the Hall of Justice.

When Barack Obama talks about "infrastructure" what he's really saying is that he wants to pour billions of our taxpayer dollars into a new headquarters for the Black Manta and all his other friends in the Legion of Doom. Remember these are the same people who have made careers keeping Batman out of the classroom. How can you trust them?

Yes, we have a fight ahead us, my faithful flock. We must keep our prayers to the Martian Manhunter vigilant; lest we all perish in the flames of Gorilla Grodd and Lex Luthor.