Friday, April 24, 2009

Don Blankenship Speaks Out on Earth Day

Don Blankenship loves the earth. Just ask the people who live in central Appalachia how much of that love they feel when rocks and shit come raining down on their houses when Massey gets done dynamiting the top right off another mountain so his company can scoop out all the coal without the burdensome task of having to employ union miners.

Many people were wondering where Blankenship was during all the Earth Day festivities. After we did some investigating, we found that he did address a small gathering to profess his love for knocked down trees, filled in creek beds, and coal sludge in everybody's water supply.

Today, we're going to publish that speech. We aren't sure if he actually wrote it himself, but the just so folks he was addressing could understand what he was saying, it was translated into the gathering's native language. Consequently, the following is written in traditional Klingon:

Qatlh 'a' Parmaq Tera'

'A' parmaq tera' mo' tera' wob law' Huch. tera' 'em Huch. 'A' parmaq Huch.

Hutvagh laH voQ 'egh chaj 'op 'Iwghargh 'et 'un quD 'A' SaH neH jegh cho wogh Huch. 'A' neH je' a qum qoq West Virginia. 'A' jom pI' ngujlep lo'laHbe'ghach WV la'quv bo'DIj meqba' leS 'A' neH naQ pach.
Hoch 'ebmey tIjon.

'A' parmaq Tera. Bang bom DI' jor. nugh be' Hap. nuqneH. Huch. SuvmeH 'ej charghmeH bogh tlhInganpu'. 'ach 'A'. qa' wIje'meH maSuv. tIqIpqu' 'ej nom tIqIp lumbe' tlhInganpu'. tay'taHbe' 'Iw bIQ je. yIn DayajmeH 'oy' yISIQ. 'A' parmaq Huch. bIje'be'chugh vaj bIHegh.

tlhIngan maH!

DaHjaj SuvwI''e' jIH. nej Huch. ghIj qet jaghmeyjaj.

Thank you.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Part of the Charleston Protest You Didn't See

This just in.

Church investigators have discovered footage from the Tea Party down in Charleston, West Virginia later that evening which the media has failed to release:

We knew the Legion of Doom was behind this. Now this much is certain. We are also investigating a report presented by faithful church member, JDB, that the Joker and Lex Luthor may have created a sidearm of the Legion of Doom here in West Virginia and are calling it "The Legion of Dumb".

All we can say is that you all need to start praying to the Justice League before it's too late.

(And be sure to check out this tribute to the Tea Party from A Sour Apple Tree)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hundreds March on Charleston to Show Support for the Mad Hatter and the Legion of Doom

It's no wonder Lex Luthor chose the Kanawha River to set up a new base for the Legion of Doom. Just look at all these people gathered around the capitol with their tea bags showing support for one of the Batman's most dangerous supervillains, The Mad Hatter.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful that people are standing up to the Borg Collectivist ideal that we need to stimulate our economy by raising taxes on people who have all they'll ever need and try to create a better country for people who can barely afford to buy gas to get to work. The latter should be bearing the brunt of taxation because if they had worked harder and put more faith in the Justice League they wouldn't be where they are.

We also think the semi-automatic weapon protest sign sends a very positive message about the state of West Virginia. It's a very subtle way of letting everyone know what steps a guy who goes to work every morning wondering if he'll have a job by the end of the week will take if you start messing with the salary of some other guy who makes over $500,000 grand a year laying people off. It's our second amendment right, you know.

There didn't seem to be many black faces in the crowd with means the gathering was free from the sinister influences of Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama, the Black Manta, and their spiritual leader, the Justice League of America-hating Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

Lastly, we're glad this mass protest dealt with something of actual importance like the shame of making millionaires pay their fair share to live in this country instead of protesting something of complete irrelevance like mountaintop removal or building coal silos next to elementary schools. Just so we're clear- we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets love mountains too. But we're smart enough to realize that the Vulcans will someday land in Montana and solve all of our environmental problems. At the very least, we will have holographic mountains so that we can once again appreciate the history behind Blair Mountain after Massey gets done dynamiting and bulldozing it to the ground.

All this being said, however, this church has no choice but to condemn this protest not because of its purpose, but because of the evil symbolism they're using which represents none other than the Mad Hatter. If Glenn Beck and Newt Gingrich want our fine religious establishment to get behind their fight against Borg Collectivism, we suggest they send their people out masked and wearing tights with capes or at least donning official Starfleet uniforms instead. We feel this would further define the seriousness of their crusade against the heinous and diabolical act of taxing wealthy people; the same people most will never even get the chance to caddy for on the golf course.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Definitions Pt. 1

Ever since the long lost third son of Abraham, Captain Hezesiah, came down from the mountains to deliver the word of DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek, millions have come to understand that Batman is Gotham's savior and that only through Starfleet can we find redemption.

Everyday millions more flock to our teachings to learn of how Superman and the Flash can set them free. So we have decided to create this glossary to help people navigate through the only true faith in the Alpha Quadrant.

The Ten Commandments of DC Comics- ten simple ways you can avoid eternal agony and torture within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

The Ten Commandments of Starfleet- ten simple ways you can avoid Borg assimilation before being shipped off to Arkham Asylum for eternal agony and torture.

The Prophet Gene Roddenberry- one of the later prophets after Captain Hezesiah who launched a television series that would contain the literal truth within each and every episode.

Marvel Comics- entertaining comic books filled blasphemy, false heroes, and heresy. For example, Marvel claims that some guy drank a bad glass of green root beer then explodes into a super human when he's angry, but the DC scriptures teach us that the only way one can obtain such super powers in to be born on Krypton or by calling out the word, "Shazam".

The Legion of Doom- the greatest threat to mankind and moral decency. It includes amongst its membership Lex Luthor, Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Toyman, Captain Cold, Bizzaro Superman, Giganta, Star Sapphire, Black Manta, the Riddler, Sinestro, the Scarecrow, the liberal activist judges, Democratic politicians, and the teachers' union.

The Borg Collective- cybernetic humanoids that seek to perfect all races by assimilating people, stealing American jobs, and undermining Federation values by convincing our children to disobey their parents.

The Hall of Justice- a glorious paradise where souls gather round Batman and the JLA and sing praises to their names. In the end it will contain 144,000 DC Comicticians and one Marvelite. Everyone else is pretty well bound for Arkham.

Legion of Doom Sympathizers- members of our local school boards, congressional leaders, state and local officials, the media, Hollywood stars, and everybody else who rather see our children kneeling before the Black Manta instead of patiently studying up on the sacrifices Aquaman has made for us all.

Borg Operatives- agents recruited by the Borg to create a safe haven for the Collective in Sector 001 by passing Borg friendly legislation, influencing people with Borg ideals, and spreading Borg propaganda throughout the United States of America. Senator Joe McCarthy was just about to expose these agents back in the 195os before he got sidetracked nailing commies at which point he was brought down before he could let Americans everywhere know that the Borg had infiltrated the military, our schools, labor unions, and governmental institutions.

We've decided to resurrect some of Senator McCarthy's vigilance and here are a few of the more recent people from the global scene we've exposed for collaborating with the Borg and attempting to advance the Collective's agenda:

The Five Pillars of Star Trek
- Star Trek: The Orginal Series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise. Each episode of each series contains the literal truth which cannot be questioned.

Orthodox Trekiologists- a small sect of Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets who don't believe that Captain Picard was in command of the Starship Enterprise. They believe that no Starfleet Captains came after Captain Kirk and Captain Pike and are still waiting for the next Captain to board the starship and deliver us from the Borg.

David Marcus- Captain James T. Kirk's only begotten son who was sacrificed to the Klingons and died for our sinisters.

Possum- food you commoners have been ordered by this High Priest to eat at least once every Friday in accordance with Fatwa #11.

We hope that you will become acquainted with these terms and concepts. If you don't, well, you better get used to saying the words "your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own......" in unison with the rest of your commie friends aboard the nearest Borg cube.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Fatwa #12: On the Easter Bunny

Ever since my grandson turned 1, I have tried to teach him about the ways of the Batman and have told him repeatedly that spider bites don't give people super powers. I let him know about the Green Lantern Corps and their fight against evil and that the X-Men were a bunch of groupies hanging around with some old guy who did too much LSD in the 60's.

But in a blatant attempt to undermine the DC morals upon which this great nation was founded, the Easter Bunny has been delivering baskets like the one seen to your left and they're filled with dangerous propaganda.

So, it has come down to this:

Fatwa #12

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets hereby orders the arrest and detention of the Easter Bunny for distributing blasphemous literature and heresy against the teachings of the only religion that is true.

We understand that bunny rabbits are among the most deadly animals on the planet, but this rabbit won't just eat all your green bean plants- he will also spread lies which will buy your children a one way ticket to Arkham Asylum.

All Praise Be to Star Man for bestowing the leadership of this church with such a profound sense of morality that should be imposed on the rest of the planet.


Because of the generosity bestowed upon the masses by the leaders of this fine religious establishment, we have heard the pleas of mercy from Buzzard Billy and have decided to exclude all West Virginian Easter Bunnies from this order.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Lost: America's Moral Compass

If it isn't bad enough that our nation has succumb to Borg Collectivism, now the leaders of this church believe the opposition has also been co-opted by the Legion of Doom.

But let's not get ahead ourselves.

We start with some recent events that have spelled disaster for this great nation. First, the country elects Barrack Hussein Luthor Obama. Nevermind all those ridiculous distractions like the economy and a crumbling infrastructure. President Obama reads from cue cards. Can you believe that?! Then after that startling information comes to light, we found out that he bowed before some Saudi Arabian leader in the Middle East. This is devastating. America has never seen such imminent danger.

But we tried to warn you all. People get so worked up about a living wage, they fail to realize that they need to be worrying about a dying wage, in other words what will happen to their souls when they die. The scriptures teach us it is easier for a space station to travel through a collapsing wormhole then it is for a rich man to get into the Hall of Justice (well, unless you're Bruce Wayne or Ollie Queen- and in case you're wondering, you're not). It is better to starve to death and give all your money to millionaire bankers knowing that you have a friend in Plastic Man than it is to demand enough money so you can feed your family and pay for luxuries like heat and a roof over your head only be sent to Arkham Asylum for your insatiable greed.

It used to be that men of the people like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich and Dick Cheney were the lone voices out there trying to stop Borg values from overtaking our society. Now come to find out that these people are now saluting the Mad Hatter, one of Batman's most lethal foes, by throwing tea parties.

I mean we respect the premise of protests about raising taxes on rich people because everybody knows that what's good for the 1% who have everything is good for the other 99% who live paycheck to paycheck. Foolish people judge an economy based on how well the majority of the population is doing, but the wise understand that a good economy is all about some big rich white guy having talcum powder sprinkled over his wide ass next to a swimming pool located on the ranch of his third home. But are these patriots not aware of the threat that the Mad Hatter poses to our children?

What America needs is a Senator like Joe McCarthy. Senator McCarthy knew long before anyone else the Borg were sending operatives to this quadrant to try and quell the power of free market capitalism, which we know is the only system that truly works as made obvious by the booming economy the U.S. is experiencing today. Two days before McCarthy was going to expose all these Borg sympathizors in the highest levels of our society, he was brought down by the Collective's allies in the American Communist Party. The price we paid was dear.

Listen friends, we got to get back to the basics. We need to ban all imagery of supervillains immediately and we need to stop Borg Collectivism before something horrible happens, like credit card companies being unable to charge a reasonable 28% interest on loans. If this madness continues Walmart might actually have to recognize their employees' right to join a labor union. Then they might actually have to compete with other companies and that would be a devastating blow to the natural order- which means socialism for the wealthy and capitalism for everyone else. How fair is that?


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Our Response to the New Reformation


We have some grave news. The unthinkable has happened over at A Sour Apple Tree. It appears that the Marquis have infiltrated Chris James' blog and are using it to sound off a massive rebellion against the central teachings of this church and the inherent right of its leaders to tell everyone how to live. We can only assume that Chris is being held hostage somewhere in the Badlands so we will prey for his immediate recovery.

We can only hope that the millions of people across the planet, who have embraced Captain Benjamin Sisko as the Alpha Quadrant's True Savior, will reject the 9.5 Theses and understand that we are the only ones who can get them into the Hall of Justice; they only need pay us vast sums in donations and vote the way we tell them to.

Upon learning of this dangerous new development, the Elders arranged for a meeting in the Bolian Sector (they would have chosen Khitomer, but the Five Pillars of Star Trek teach us that it will be destroyed by the Romulans) to denounce the heretical new Marquis doctrine that dares to question our authority and bountiful wisdom. From this meeting came the Elders' first papal bull.

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo, episcopus servus servorum Batgirl, Exsurge Te Dominion Se,

Arise, O Batman, and judge your own supervillains. Remember your reproaches to those who are filled with the Riddler's foolishness all through the day. Listen to our prayers, for criminals have arisen seeking to destroy the Watchtower and the divinity you and the Justice League of America have bestowed.

Rise, O Captain Pike, and fulfill your High Priest with the bountiful power of the Warp Drive. Give heed to the cause of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, mother of all churches and teacher of the DC Faith, whom you by the order of Starfleet Command, have consecrated by your blood. Against this Church, you warned, false superheroes and non-commissioned officers are rising, introducing ruinous sects, and drawing upon themselves speedy doom. Their tongues are fire, a restless evil, full of Poison Ivy's deadly kisses. They have bitter zeal, contention in their hearts, and boast and lie against the Truth.

We beseech you too, Mr. Terrific, to call upon the members of the Justice Society to come to our aid in this great time of spiritual crisis.

Their talkativeness, unsupported by the authority of the DC Scriptures or the Five Pillars of Star Trek, as Captain Hezesiah said in his personal log, would not win credence unless they appeared to support their perverse doctrine even with divine testimonies however badly interpreted. From their sight fear of the Batman has now passed.

We have decided to address the following errors being proposed by the heretical writings:

1) All green power rings have not been created equal in the eyes of the Guardians of Oa.

2) Denying the treasure of the church lies with Orion and the grace of Morn with no mention of the dangers of the Orion Syndicate or the Romulan Ale served at Quarks'.

3) Through contrition to a priest of the Holy Starfleet Captains and Hawkman alone, a person can come clean of the Original Sinister and that no sinsiters are racked up against souls once they meet Superdog at the gates of the Hall of Justice if such salvation hath been promised.

4) We do not acknowledge the sacrifices made by Admiral Janeway nor understand that avoiding Borg assimilation requires vigilant understanding of the lessons She has tried to teach us.

4.75) This Holy Body of Wonder Woman's Almighty Grace spends more time granting pardons to people found guilty of collaborating with the Legion of Doom, sympathizing with Borg objectives, and reading Marvel Comics then it does preaching of the Martian Manhunter's love for humanity and Starfleet's plan for salvation.

No one of sound mind is unaware of how destructive, pernicious, scandalous, and seductive to pious and simple minds these various errors are. And those who lack sound mind must ultimately be treated by the doctors employed at Arkham Asylum. Are they so opposed to the charity of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets that are they unaware how destructive they are to the vigor of ecclesiastical discipline, namely obedience at election time.

Therefore, it is resolved that we must take the Joker's bag of deadly toys, laughing gas, and dangerous tricks and dump them for all to plainly see. We must take the axe to the trees planted by shape-shifters before they bear fruit and create more dissension in the ranks of the faithful causing people to come to some mistaken conclusion that the leaders of the church, namely the High Priest, aren't always right and that everyone else isn't always wrong.

Therefore let the Marquis themselves and all those adhering to them, and those who shelter and support them, through the merciful heart of Superman and the sprinkling of the commands from Captain Jean Luc Picard by which and through whom the redemption of the human race and the upbuilding of the First Church was accomplished. Know that from our hearts we exhort and beseech that they cease to disturb the peace, unity, truth, and all future U.S. elections.

We enjoin, however, on the Marquis that in the meantime they cease from all preaching or the office of preachers....


Sunday, April 5, 2009

Why Doesn't the Justice League Solve All Our Problems for Us?

Greetings friends,

We had another glorious day at service this morning. We loudly sang hymns to the Batgirl (without an organ, of course- because the DC scriptures command us to sing to the JLA without the interference of musical instruments). We then held hands as we thanked the Martian Manhunter for His divine plan.

Filing out of the chapel, our hearts filled with love, we were eying each other for signs that someone might be secretly reading Marvel Comic book heresy. Just then a little girl came up and asked me:

"Reverend of the Righteous Truth and the Almighty, Unquestionable Wisdom,

You have taught us the Justice League is real and that every word from every DC Comic book is the literal truth. So why didn't the Green Lantern stop North Korea from launching their rocket? Does He not recognize that this Asian superpower threatens our very existence as a nation and that we need to wipe them all out before they get as strong as the former Soviet Union? Isn't unlimited and devastating war part of the Martian Manhunter's plan for eternal peace?"

This young child forgot to mention world stability and feeding hungry children through economic sanctions, but she was forgiven so I placed my hand on her shoulder and explained,

"First of all, young lady, you shouldn't be questioning the Green Lantern's motives. He answers to the Guardians of Oa and it is only through continual prayer and extreme masochism that we can influence Their decisions. I understand that you're young, but just like sweatshops in third world countries where they have friendlier dictators- there are no age limits on who will be eternally put to work inside the gates of Arkham Asylum.

"Secondly, we can't expect the JLA to do anything for us unless we do something for ourselves first. A good start would be to show how serious we are about our civil liberties and declare martial law; silencing everyone who dares to deny the wisdom that can be found within each and every DC comic book. Our commitment to freedom must be serious if we are to expect the Green Lantern to come to our rescue.

"And lastly, Americans need to remember that if Kim Jong-Il is scary, wait til they get a load of Sinestro and his corps of intergalactic evil minions. We must prepare ourselves for these wicked hoards by making sure the color yellow is banned from all corners of the planet. If we start getting serious about the threat Sinestro poses to Sector 2814 then perhaps the Green Lantern will become more active in our ongoing struggle with the powerful North Korea."

This young girl thanked me and I responded by immediately putting her name on the list of people suspected of secretly harboring kindred feelings toward the Fantastic Four and their blasphemous teachings.

The moral of the story, friends, is that we must come to understand what the Justice League wants from us if we are to hope they'll respond to what we want from them. Otherwise, they are going to stop fighting crime and leave us all to the Kim Jong-Il, the Legion of Doom, and the Sinestro Corps. And at that point their thirst for unlimited power and destruction will be quenched.


Friday, April 3, 2009

Yes, Superman Still Presides Over the State of West Virginia

Good evening friends,

Turn with me please to the Superman Chronicles I, 64:1

"Friend of the helpless and oppressed is SUPERMAN, a man possessing the strength of a dozen Sampsons! Lifting and rending gigantic weights, vaulting over skyscrapers, racing a bullet, possessing a skin impenetrable to even steel, are his physical assets used in his one-man battle against evil and injustice!"

Now, most people read this passage from the DC scriptures and they understand what it means: cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans, stop all social spending, create more jobs by creating more pollution, and make sure that whatever you do- you vote to protect the protouniverse in the intergalactic womb at all costs.

But when you take another look at this passage, it looks as though the Prophet Jerry Siegal saw into the state of West Virginia's future and predicted the second coming of Superman, himself, in our Dear Leader, Governor Joe Manchin.

Now I know in the past the leaders of this church have accused the governor of collaborating with the Legion of Doom and working to conceal the Black Manta's new base which everyone knows is built along the Kanawha River so that Lex Luthor and Gorilla Grodd can blast their mind beams straight through the gold plated capitol dome and into every single legislative session; hence putting a stop to common sense legislation like banning the sale of Barbie Dolls and drug testing all those shape-shifters posing as laid off Terrans- just so they can draw unemployment off the West Virginian taxpayer.

It's time to put all that behind us and recognize that Governor Manchin isn't just some shiny, bullshitting politician who has made of a life off the system by working hard to be from highly connected political family. No. We now understand that Manchin was sent here to stop crime and balance the state budget on the backs of the people, especially on the backs of the state workers. All he needs is the strength (and the legislative authority) to drum up a new superpower called "the Furlough" then the governor will set things straight.

That's right. Our Dear Leader has shown that he can almost rival Ollie Queen and Bruce Wayne, themselves, by giving himself a $55,000 annual pay raise just before he decides to place a hiring freeze on the state. It's not like West Virginians rely on petty things such as roads, healthy food, environmental protection, economic assistance, quality healthcare, or drivers licenses. And who needs education?

Cleverly, he told the media that he might share any surplus with state employees and teachers so they can foolishly squander it at their nearest Goodwill, but he secretly knows that that money could be better spent on an airplane to carry our $150,000 Governor around the globe to combat sinister deeds and make sure all pseudo-ephedrine is safely locked up behind the pharmacy counter. And it's only a matter of time before his own staff will take their 11% pay raise and put it to use making sure people obtain a doctor's prescription before they can purchase kryptonite. This church understands what he means when he vaguely explains that they're taking on new responsibilities. If he told the press of his real plans, the Legion of Doom would most likely spring from their base off the Kanawha and launch an all assault on our state's decency and morality.

Governor Joe Manchin understands how high the stakes really are and this state will not have a budget until he can clean up West Virginia and deliver our people from the Legion of Doom once and for all! Not even kryptonite can stop the Supergovernor from getting everything he wants with zero accountability.


(The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to give an extra special thanks to Hoyt from The Donut Buzz for letting us borrow the picture and for consistently staying on top of what a wonderful governor we have here in the Mountain State. You will one day sit at Batman's right hand side, Hoyt.)


In a rare opportunity to show how humble we are here at The First Church, we must admit that we stand corrected. The Super Gov has explained to the Charleston Gazette: "This is not a hiring freeze. It's responsible government".

We commend the governor once again for demonstrating keen wisdom in his wording. A "hiring freeze" is something a supervillain like Captain Cold or Killer Frost would do. "Responsible government", on the other hand, is carried out by a superpolitician who understands the need to grab a huge pay raise and a new airplane before putting a halt to hiring more ingrates to work for the state.