Thursday, November 6, 2008

Our Link to Western Religions

The mainstream press has claimed to have stumbled upon secret documents kept safe in our church vaults. They seem to believe that the people who gather everyday around the shrines to pay homage to the Batman and kneel before the grace of Captain James T. Kirk have been mislead:

"the paperwork we have recently uncovered proves a theory that many have been advocating for the past several years. While the overbearing Elders of the First Church of the DC Comictician and their boisterous High Priest, the Reverend Elvis D., are busy insulting people from the Judeo-Christian and Muslim faiths they have failed to disclose that the people they deride may actually be their distant cousins. Historical documents show that Abraham had another son named Captain Hezasiah, whose decedents went on to preach the gospel of Starfleet and DC Comics.

"This unknown son of Abraham was said to have spoken of the Martian Hunter and a future where the Andorians, Tellarites, Terrans, and Vulcans would found the Federation. Captain Hezasiah was noted in these scrolls as drawing pictures of Batgirl in color and his children went on to build a faith around her, the Justice League of America, and Starfleet Command.

"The Elders and the High Priest keep this truth hidden deep within their archives for fear that if the millions of Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets discovered their link to other western faiths that they might begin to question church doctrine on how life began or what happened to the dinosaurs and realize that Zephran Cochran and Bruce Wayne may have indeed been distant relatives of Muhammad or even King David, himself."

We will say right here and now that it is no secret that our faith claims Captain Hezasiah as one of our earliest believers and that he was, in fact, the unknown son of Abraham and is discussed in our sacred scrolls. It is well known within the ranks of this great church that Hezesiah was one of the first people to journey up into the mountains and come down with a stack full of DC Comics to deliver to the people.

One major difference between him and his brothers- while Ismael and Issac were out in the desert trying to teach rocks to speak in tongues, Captain Hezasiah was studying up on the warp drive and inventing new technology for the Batman to discover and use against His foes.

There is no secret being revealed here. We have always respected our Judeo-Christian and Muslim cousins whom we like to refer to as "The People of the Comic Book". The DC scriptures and the Five Pillars of Star Trek instruct us to love all Terran nonbelievers and different cultures from other planets. And we work tirelessly everyday to convince them that they need to give up on prophets and heroes without heat-ray vision or magical golden truth lassos.

What good is Heaven if the guy who commands it can't even pilot a galaxy-class starship?


Malach the Merciless said...

A an aside . . I HATE Alex Ross's work.

Jennifer said...

I just came across a very interesting webpage:

So, does Trekiology have an equivalent way of determining exactly when the Borg will arrive to assimilate us all? What are the signs we should look for?