Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Nations Run by Infidels

As many people know, there are nations all over this world that worship the Legion of Doom and/or the Borg Collective whether they know it or not. China is one that comes to mind and the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets has long suspected that both General Musharaff of Pakistan and Prime Minister Gordon Brown of Great Britain are shape-shifters sent here from the Gamma Quadrant to destroy our way of life. Friends, we must always remember that the Dominion hates us because of our freedoms and because we elect our representatives.

Now- to add to the list of unholy governments bound for Arkham Asylum, we have Iran.

According to the Huffington Post, Iran refuses to allow their children to worship the Batman, learn about His teachings, and acknowledge His greatness by not allowing them to play with toys created in His image:

"While importing the toys is not necessarily illegal, it is discouraged by a government that seeks to protect Iranians from what it calls the negative effects of Western culture.

"Najafabadi said the increasing visibility of Western dolls has alarmed authorities and they are considering intervening.

"'The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter ... as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies are all warning bells to the officials in the cultural arena,' his letter said."

And Batgirl only knows what Najafabadi would think of exposing the Iranian people to the Black Canary, Supergirl, Wonder Woman, the Huntress, Hawkgirl, and Vixen. They wouldn't be wearing no black veils or burqas I can assure you. But there would be a bunch of bearded mullahs from the Revolutionary Council laying on the floor after being exposed to a few freshly opened cans of whoop ass.

Now, we're aware that the Islamic Republic of Iran follows a prophet who can't fly, leap tall buildings, or run faster than a speeding bullet. They worship a god who has yet to take the helm of a Galaxy-class starship and lead it into battle with one the Federation's mortal enemies and we know for a fact that neither one of them has got their own planes or wear utility belts full of gadgets to outwit the Penguin and his henchmen.

And we're also aware that they don't like images of their superheroes like Mohammad and Allah and that they don't really like images of anything at all. But Iran doesn't have to completely turn their backs on the Truth. They could always follow The Question and read about the morals that He has tried to teach us through the scriptures of DC Comics.

The Question wears no face just like all those pictures I've seen of their comic book character, the Prophet Mohammad. The major difference between the two is that Mohammad was just some prophet while The Question is a top notch detective and security card-carrying member of the Watchtower, which is the home base of the Justice League of America. Iran can ban all the Batman toys they want, but by offering daily praise to the Question they might just get a break in the afterlife when they appear before Superdog at the Gates of the Hall of Justice to apply for admittance.

Like all nations, Iran has a choice. They can embrace real Heroes like the Question and become one with the JLA or they can continue to follow a path laid out by two comic book characters from the Quran who won't lift a damn finger to stop the Legion of Doom from carrying out their sinister plans of diabolical crimes and ultimate world dominance.

A Priestish-like Hat Tip to Jennifer from Infinite Sphere for relaying this article to the Elders of the First Church. (Seriously, folks- Jennifer runs one of the best environmentalist and political blogs around. You really should check it out, you won't be disappointed.)


Thursday, April 24, 2008

Who's Your Favorite Supervillian

Since I've been lacking the urge to convert all you heroless infidels who have been raised in our secular humanist public schools which are run by mostly free thinking liberals who preach the moral relativism that can only come from Anime, I've decided to break with the pontificating for a moment.

Who is your favorite supervillain? lists their top ten:

1) Galactus
2) Lex Luthor
3) Magneto
4) Joker
5) Dr. Doom
6) Venom
7) Darkseid
8) Ra's Al Ghul
9) Green Goblin
10) Apocalypse

Notably missing from this list are: Catwoman, Black Manta, Brainiac, Granny Goodness, Scarecrow, Riddler, Poison Ivy, Gorilla Grodd, Star Sapphire, Penguin (especially when played in the old 60's shows by Burgess Meredith), Riddler, Two-Face, Mirror Master, the Cheetah, and as much as pains me to say to this: Dr. Octopus, Kingpin, Mystique, and possibly Harry Heck- even though I'm not sure Heck was an actual villain from the Marvel universe or made just for The Punisher movie. Hell, for all I know about Marvel Comics. If Harry Heck ain't a regular in the Punisher comic books, he should be. Harley Quinn was added to the DC pantheon of evil after Batman, the Animated Series and I'd count her as one of my favorites too.

So who's your favorite? What's your top ten list? Leave your favorites and we'll take a vote. DC, Marvel, or otherwise- which supervillain would you like to come and terrorize your town and why?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Another Long Break for the First Church

Okay, so I haven't I been preaching the Gospel of DC Comics and Star Trek much lately.

The truth is, spring is here and it's busy work standing around drinking beer in your bare feet while your wife is mowing the lawn.

Anyway, here's a little something I found on Youtube to tide you over until I get some of my creative (if not smartass) impulses back:


Saturday, April 19, 2008

National Prayer Day

May 1st is National Day of Prayer and according to the National Day of Prayer Task Force, everyone from all faiths is urged to join in by praying to the higher being of their choice.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets urge all of members to participate in this spectacular event; especially since our faith is right and everybody else's is wrong.

We have several prayers for you to recite in the sidebar. You can honor Hawkgirl, Lieutenant Uhura, or Captain James T. Kirk with our holy scripts if you like. You can say your own if that's what you choose.

If you're in need of an engine repair, you might want to say praise to Mr. Scott. If you're looking to smite all your foes with deadly force, perhaps you could share a few words with the Batman. Maybe you're lost and you can't find your way home; try seeking out the advice of Jonn Jonzz, the Martian Manhunter.

It's all up to you. If all your problems aren't solved within forty-eight hours, you weren't praying hard enough and you don't have enough faith. You'll have to wait til National Day of Prayer next year.

But whatever you do, friends, make sure that in your own special way that on May 1st you thank the Justice League of America and Starfleet Command for watching over us and saving us from our sinisters.

Pray that our government will wake up and realize the serious dangers posed by the Legion of Doom and the influence they have over our schools and our media.

Pray that national tribunals will take place so we can find out how many politicians, college professors, professional baseball players and Hollywood actors are on Lex Luthor's payroll.

Pray that we elect leaders who will honor and respect the word of Captain Jean Luc Picard and begin building a defense grid around Sector 001 to protect us from the Borg.

Pray that World War III gets underway a little sooner so the Vulcans will land in Montana a little early and save us all from ourselves.

I mean, how can publically giving our Superheroes and Starfleet officers just a little bit of praise from time to time hurt?


Friday, April 18, 2008

The Truth is Out

5The First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets has been asked to confirm a rumor.

So we say it to be true: Barack Obama will not swear himself into office on a copy of the Batman Chronicles. Neither will Hillary Clinton or John McCain.

So what does this mean?

It means that all three candidates are likely to be sleepers. That's right, sleepers.

So what does this mean?

It means that they are undercover operatives for either the Borg or even more likely, the Legion of Doom. Clearly, this is the most serious threat at the most highest levels. This really should be no surprise considering that none of these candidates pledged their support to the troops from the Green Lantern Corps while they were defending this sector from Sinestro and his minions.

So what will happen in November?

One of these three Legion of Doom operatives will get elected to the office of the presidency. In January, he or she will be presented with a copy of the Batman Chronicles. Once they refuse to put their right hand on it and swear to the Justice League, Lex Luthor will push a button which will cause the newly elected sleeper to awaken and reek havoc upon this country and this planet.

And the inaugural ball will look something like this:

So our only choice at this point is to surrender ourselves to the JLA, swear allegiance as a populace and hope that it's not too late for our Heroes in the Watchtower to stop the Legion of Doom before they get a solid foothold inside the Oval Office where they will launch their sinister plans of chaos and destruction.


Tuesday, April 15, 2008


The First Church of the DC Comictician and the Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets would like to welcome the Popemobile to the United States and I suppose we should offer some sort of "hello" to the guy inside with the little white hat. Anyway.

The Popemobile is one mean ride now- bulletproof Plexiglas on a white, low-ridin' Chevy S-10 meets a little bit of faith. Its mission here is to reign in pedophilia and order their politicians to vote pro-protouniverse and to the Popemobile we say: Flashspeed.

Of course, as much as we love this ride, it's nowhere near as cool as this.

Or this.

Nevertheless, Popemobile, enjoy your time on our American streets and maybe someday you'll grow to look like this with a guy like this on board instead of some "spiritual leader" who can't even shoot laser beams out of his eyeballs.


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Religion, Guns, and Illegal Aliens

So Democratic presidential candidate, Barack Obama has stirred some controversy by saying this:

"And it's not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

So what's the problem?

Here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, we don't separate guns from religion so we really don't have any frustrations to explain. Hell, we ain't just got guns; we got crossbows, ropes, explosive devices, invisible planes, and utility belts. Because sometimes in order to get your point across about your intentions of peace and non-violence, you have to crack some skulls open.

There's no reason to be bitter. We don't have to hate people because they disagree with us. We just have to separate ourselves from them so that the body of the Justice League doesn't become too polluted. It is important to hate the heresy, but not the heretics. This is central to our church's teachings- in case anyone missed it. Aquaman protects all creatures in the sea whether they're studying upon His sacred teachings or not.

Bitter about immigration? Who the hell wants illegal aliens like Borg drones and Dominion shape-shifters coming into our quadrant and stealing our jobs? It's a non-issue. Without trade agreements, we wouldn't have obtained that cloaking device from the Romulan Star Empire for the Defiant. Don't worry about how the Romulans treat the Remans.

Now look, we can't speak for other comic book fans. But here at the First Church, we have a very efficient system for voting. We tell you how to vote and you do what we tell you; unless being strapped down to a table and and having Arkham's doctors poke and prod at you for all time is something you think you'd enjoy.

It's that simple: one of our most important missions is to spare the average Terran from having to do too much independent thinking. We take care of that for you so that you'll have plenty of time for the important things like football and American Idol.

So you see, there is no controversy here. Crossbows, intolerance, guns, blind faith, and total obedience will never go out of style in this house of worship.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Real Trinity

Okay, time to get back to preaching the Gospel of DC Comics and telling all you infidels how unpleasant your stay in Arkham Asylum is going to be. The other bad news is that you're going to have to stay there forever; locked up and sedated while everyone around you is crying, pulling their hair and gnashing their teeth.

Wouldn't it just be better to live by the DC Word and go to the Hall of Justice instead?

For the Batman told Robin,

Maybe Clayface is around and maybe he's not. But at any rate it doesn't hurt to look. We'll split up..... be able to cover more territory that way.

The Batman Chronicles 3; Chapter 49

I think what Batman is trying to tell us is clear: we need to put DC Comics back in our schools and elect representatives that reflect the morals of Superman.

Maybe Clayface is on your local school board, maybe he isn't. But it doesn't hurt to look and ask the candidates where they stand on saying prayers to Wonder Woman every morning before class starts.

Remember, Arkham is a dreadful place. In order to avoid it, you must submit yourself to the Justice League and acknowledge the fact that Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinisters.

That's all it takes. Belief, total submission, and a little bit of force and authoritarianism in our government. The benefits by far outweigh the cost. Are you ready to become one with the Real Trinity? Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman. Or are you going to stray like lost sheep into the Joker's hands?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A Conversation with Star Trekiologists

We incepted this program going out on the Interstellar Radio Broadcast Network.

Host: The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets is one of the largest churches in the Alpha Quadrant. Their Reverend High Priest, Elvis Drinkmo, warns the faithful about the rising influence of Marvel Comics in the western part of the quadrant. He also feels that what he refers to as "false doctrine" from Stargate Atlantis could cause a rip in the fabric of the space time continuum.

What the Reverend D., as many of his followers call him, and the church's Elders fail to acknowledge is the rift that is forming within their own religious sect. Revelations about new temples being built in Florida and Michigan has caused an uproar in Sector 001. According to recent reports the Elders and the High Priest are planning to devote these new temples to either Captain Kathryn Janeway or Captain Benjamin Sisko. This has some of their members in a frenzy.

Today, we have invited three Trekiologists to speak with us about these new temples and the future of their faith. One is a local preacher for Captain Sisko, one is a national minister for Captain Janeway, and the other represents a disgruntled rebel faction who supports the relatively unknown Commodore Decker. They have asked to remain anonymous for fear of possible persecution and retaliation by their authoritarian church leaders.

Interviewer: Thank you for joining us.

Three participants: Thank you.

Interviewer: First off, why do you feel that your favorite captains should be honored in Florida and Michigan at the expense of the others?

Sisko Supporter: Well, T'aKrjit, we all know about Captain Sisko's heroic efforts during the Dominion War and how he united a major part of the Alpha Quadrant against the shape-shifters, the Vorta, and their twisted Jem'Hadar fighting machines. Amongst all the venerable Starfleet Captains, he alone is a great uniter and in this era of hostile aliens and malevolent entities we need someone who unite the rational humanoids so that we may stand like a beacon for all lifeforms to admire.

Janeway Supporter: What this sexist, egotistical, elitist pig neglects to mention is that Captain Kathryn Janeway has far more experience dealing with alien relations than the Great Saint, Benjamin Sisko. She has visited many war torn areas of the galaxy and helped bring about peace on many worlds. She has been actively involved in many peace processes that brought prosperity to planets that had only known war and poverty. If I'm not mistaken, Saint Sisko sat behind a desk pushing pencils for a good part of the Dominion War. When he wasn't busy having neutral Romulan Ambassadors assassinated, that is.

Sisko Supporter: That's totally out of bounds.

Janeway Supporter: Is it?

Sisko Supporter: Yes, it is. Sisko led many fights against Dominion fleets and managed to retake Deep Space Nine for the Federation.

Janeway Supporter: Oh sure, a few months after he lost it to the Dominion. And your accounts aren't totally accurate. If I remember right, Saint Sisko sent his highest ranking female officer, Jadzia Dax, out to do most of the fighting. Thus showing, once again, that he would throw all women under the warp core to suit his purpose.

Interviewer: Any comment from our third party guest?

Decker Supporter: Yes. What the hell am I even doing here? Sisko, Janeway, and all the other Starfleet Captains are total corporate sell-outs just like this network. You refuse to give us the time and attention we deserve to promote the one man who gave his life for the Federation and that man is Commodore Decker.

Sisko Supporter: Who's Commodore Decker?

Janeway Supporter: I don't know.

Decker Supporter: Exactly. He's the only Starfleet officer worthy of these new temples. Yet he gets zero coverage and isn't even allowed to be introduced for new temples. He gets nothing from this network and nothing from the church leaders. It is a disgrace and we're tired of it.

Interviewer: OK, let's get back to the subject at hand. Janeway Supporter, you mentioned your captain's involvement in various alien conflicts. Could you elaborate?

Janeway Supporter: Well, we all know that Captain Janeway single handedly led the USS Voyager into Borg space and rescued various alien planets from imminent assimilation and destruction ducking phaser fire from the Collective's cubes and putting her own life in grave danger. This is the kind of bold action we expect from our captains.

Sisko Supporter: No, that's not true. Janeway didn't have to duck and run from the Borg. She formed a shady alliance with them under safe and heavy guard just to save her own ass and get her crew home faster.

Interviewer: I believe that is how that happened though I wouldn't have put it quite like that. We have footage from those episodes where Janeway is negotiating with future crew member Seven of Nine for safe passage through Borg space.

Janeway Supporter: I'm sorry. I must have misspoke. Captain Janeway did enter Borg space, but the conditions might not have been as dangerous as you interpreted my words to mean.

Sisko Supporter: Yeah, and how many worlds were forced into the Collective after she sided with the Borg?

Janeway Supporter: F**k you, you g*d*mn elitist pig! I suppose your Great Saint from Deep Space Nine would have done better. He would have thrown everybody under the warp core.

Sisko Supporter: Well, at least he wouldn't have made all the "lesser" aliens sit in the back of the starship, Whitey. Your racism knows no bounds, does it? Face it, you don't like Captain Sisko because he believes that all aliens are equal. Unlike your politically entrenched Janeway who switches sides so many times it's hard to tell who she'll fight next.

Janeway Supporter: Oh right. Did you pick all that up from one of those sexist Ferangi pigs that your captain loves so much.

Decker Supporter: I really don't see any difference between you or your captains or any difference between you or your captains and the Borg for that matter.

Janeway Supporter: Oh, go f**k yourself, spoiler.

Sisko Supporter: Go fly into a protostar and take your f**kin' dumbass commodore with you.

Interviewer: Wait, wait, wait. Let's calm down.

To the Sisko Supporter, it does appear that the high priest of your faith favors building more temples for Captain Sisko. The Reverend Elvis D. has called for violence against nonbelievers numerous times and has even said that the United States is a damned country, infested with Borg drones and shape-shifters. Do you support his claims or will you try to distance yourself from his candid remarks?

Sisko Supporter: The Reverend is a good man and I think a lot of his words have been misinterpreted. He is the leader of our faith and we don't always have to agree with those sermons. In fact, we do object to some of his inflammatory rhetoric and we do not condone his words all the time or some of the time. But we're in church everyday, but that doesn't necessarily make us hypocrites. Even though we're always there, we're not necessarily agreeing with everything. Uh, my own grandmother read Marvel Comics and she was watching Stargate Atlantis before she died. So you see, we're not entirely convinced that everything the High Priest says is good for America.

Janeway Supporter: Talk about twisting the facts! You follow every word of the Reverend D. to the letter. The followers of Captain Janeway think it's high time we break away from the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. We'll support this Commodore Decker guy before we'll get behind that sneaky divider, Benjamin Sisko, and we will not stand by while more temples are built in his name in Florida and Michigan.

Sisko Supporter: The same goes for us. The people have made it clear that they want these temples built in honor of Benjamin Sisko in the two states mentioned. If the leaders of our church don't follow the will of the people, we will throw all our Star Trek DVDs in the trash and start watching Anime or something. We will support the Dominion before we'll support Janeway.

Interviewer: So it appears that the new temples may be built for Commodore Decker. Perhaps Borg assimilation centers will be built all over the country instead.

Host: Well, our times up. Thank you all for this enlightening conversation. Tune in next week when we will talk with some former members of the Orion Syndicate living in a multi-planetary witness protection program.

Thanks for listening to the Interstellar Radio Broadcast Network and good night to our listeners across all four quadrants of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Praise for the Black Canary

The best way for anyone to start their work week is to spend a few minutes on Monday night watching the Black Canary knocking heads together and kicking someone's ass:

Glory Be!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 6

Today's sermon is about a comic book hero named Jesus Christ. We gather that these are his first and last names, his middle initial is "H" which stands for Harold or something like that. Whatever it is, it is nowhere near as cool as Tiberius as in Captain James T. Kirk.

When Jesus got into his costume (we assume that's what he did since there ain't no pictures in the graphic novel called the New Testament to tell us for sure), he went by the superhero name of The Messiah. Whether he slid down a pole to get into costume or changed in a phone booth, we just aren't certain.

This hero had all kinds of powers. He could bring back the dead, turn stones into bread and water into wine. The guy could summon spirits and heal lepers. His biggest ally in crime fighting was a hero common to these graphic novels called God or Jehovah.

His arch-enemy was a villain named Satan. It is hard for the DC Comictician to understand these stories. The Messiah appears at one point to have his nemesis cornered in a desert. He could have taken this opportunity to beat Satan's sorry ass and drag him off in handcuffs to face charges before the proper authorities. Instead, he just quit eating and ignored Satan while the guy practically begged for Jesus to open up a can of whoop-ass on him. God could have come down and together they could have reined in this annoying and troublesome villain with supreme fighting skills. But Jesus just fasted and we have no idea where God was. Again, this is difficult for us to comprehend.

Jesus Christ, the Messiah, was later executed by some really ruthless villains called Romans and his version of the Justice League, which was mostly comprised of angels, asked him if he wanted some help taking all these villains out and saving the day by administering the ass kickings these Romans deserved. But the Messiah refused their help. Either he didn't believe in teamwork or he didn't know his utility belt wasn't working. We ain't sure which. What the story does tell us is that he died for our sins, but we don't know whether or not he willing to die for our sinisters as many of Heroes like the Green Arrow did.

And like the Green Arrow, the Messiah came back from the dead and moved a big rock blocking his exit, which is pretty cool. But it would have been even cooler if he had dropped that big rock on supervillian Pontious Pilot and then took him off to a prison or an asylum where he belonged.

Then Jesus walked on some water which is also pretty neat except that he should have had the courtesy to drop below the waves for a few minutes to say hi to Aquaman before he went on to speak with his disciples.

Now let's talk about Jason Todd, the second Robin.

We all know that the scriptures tell us about the first Robin. His name was Dick Grayson and He went on to join the revered Teen Titans as Nightwing. He is still a part of our venerated pantheon of Heroes who demand our daily devotion.

After Master Dick left the Wayne Mansion and the guidance of the Bat to become Nightwing, another Robin emerged, Jason Todd. Now Jason Todd was a street thug until the Batman took him under His wing and trained young Todd to become a crime fighter.

The new Robin kicked ass and took no names, He even convinced the Batman that sometimes lethal force was necessary . If He would have encountered one of His villians in a desert, he would have beat him to bloody pulp and left the bastard to rot right where he dared to challenge the new Dynamic Duo. The only fasting that would have been going on would have been the fast moving of fists in someone's face.

Like the Messiah, Robin was deceived and led into a trap where he was executed by the Joker in a car explosion. The Second Robin had died for our sinisters and the Batman was helpless to seek revenge against that deadly clown because he had just been appointed ambassador to the Ayatollah Khomeni's Iran which granted him diplomatic immunity- plus there was a little intervention on behalf of Superman in His glorious wisdom. So in the end, Batman gave His only begotten second partner to save us all from our sinisters.

He later rose from dead to become the Red Hood and now He is the Red Robin. But rather than saying a few words to his followers and then going on to join the Doobie Brothers or whatever, Red Robin fights crime and keeps us all safe from dastardly villians and twisted criminals. Even though, as Red Hood He had to go up against the third Robin (Tim Drake), the Green Arrow, and even the Batman Himself- we still honor Him and gave praise to His name. It is not for you to decide which heroes are fit for worship- it is up to the Justice League and the leaders of this church who talk to the Martian Manhunter on a daily basis.

So again you see. You can have one guy making sandwiches out of rocks for your enemies and drinking wine with evil scoundrels or you can have the Red Robin out there fighting for Truth and Justice. Well, sort of.


Friday, April 4, 2008

The Downfall of Western Civilization: Popular Music

For the past few weeks, I've been driving back and forth to Clarksburg for DC Comictician and Starfleet spiritual training. The Elders thought it would be a good idea for us to learn how to wield phasers and rotate their modulations in case of an early Borg invasion. We've been learning how to use golden truth telling ropes, learning to throw baterangs, and practicing hand to hand combat with Klingon bat'leths. So far only three people have died so it's safe to say this camp has been a real success.

Anyway, while I'm driving to and from this training for the self-righteous, I'm usually listening to kick-ass CDs created by the the blessed souls of West Virginia who understand the need to implement General Order 24 from time to time. But yesterday, I decided to tune into the radio and find out what kind of evil messages were being sent from the Legion of Doom to the citizens of north central West Virginia. I wasn't disappointed.

First, we have this singer who calls herself Fergie. She blasphemes against the Justice League of America as a matter of course. Check out the lyrics to her song "Glamorous":

We flyin' first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' my life
In the fast lane
And I wont change

1) She claims to have the same superpowers as Supergirl and the Flash.

2) The words: "if you ain't got no money take your broke ass home" get repeated over and over. This a clear indication that she's trying to convince kids to go out and rob precious museum artifacts and get involved in other such master capers.

Both are a clear violations of the Justice League's Ten Commandments. And we wouldn't be too surprised if Catwoman was in the studio overseeing the production of this song.

And another of Fergie's songs, "Clumsy" practically sounds like a song released by Poison Ivy, herself, to lure people into a big greenhouse full of deadly man-eating vines, mayhem and heinous criminal activity. I mean can you imagine Batgirl claiming to be trippin' and stumblin' just because she's falling in love? I think the message Fergie is sending out here is plain, she's on the Legion of Doom's payroll and she wants you and your children to join her.

Next, we have this performer called Rihanna who sings praises to the Penguin by advocating for shelter under an umbrella. This is a blatant attempt to persuade our children to join one of Batman's foes and train to become one of Oswald Cobblepot's henchmen. We should also note that The Film Geek has discovered that the word "umbrella" may actually be "under my arm Berella". Since this kind of thing is something the Riddler might do in order to baffle the Dynamic Duo, we may be witnessing a joint effort between him and the Penguin to lead our children down a path of sinister darkness through this popular song.

There are many more popular songs we could name. Country radio seems all but taken over by Darkseid and Granny Goodness. Those golden oldies stations regularly send out subliminal messages trying to convince people that Lex Luthor is innocent of all crimes and that they should abandon the Justice League and follow him. If you play One Republic's song "Apologize" backwards on our CD player, you'll hear the words: "Black Manta is your master, join the Legion of Doom."

So what we need to do is take some proactive measures against all this popular music that is corroding our civilization and turning our youngsters into potential clown thugs for the Joker.

First, we need congressional hearings on this attempt by the Legion of Doom to infiltrate the minds of young people and make them do things they wouldn't have done had they not been exposed to this wicked music. Things like doing drugs, joining gangs, and committing suicide. It's the music's fault because it's inspired by the likes of Toyman and the Riddler.

Second, we need stickers on every album that this church believes is fostering an anti-JLA mentality. These stickers should read: Parental Advisory: Songs Contain Legion of Doom Inspired Messages and Joker Related Lyrics.

Next, we all need to call in to all local radio stations several times an hour and demand that they pull any song from their playlist that might conflict with the teachings of Supergirl, Batman, the Martian Manhunter, and any other member of the Justice League or Justice Society.

Folks, we must abandon our defensive stance for an offensive one. If we don't nip this problem in the bud, our entire way of life will be destroyed and the Legion of Doom's flag will be flying and souls will be herded by the thousands into the gates of Arkham Asylum.


Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Darkseid's Endorsement of Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream

This just in.

Batman confronted Darkseid after learning that he had been influenced by this video and decided to vote for Peanut Butter Chocolate over Vanilla in the DBET 2008 Final Match. Once Superman learned of this, He was on the scene.

And don't forget to cast your vote.

The Last Final Plea for Vanilla Ice Cream

Batman contacted this church and told us to tell the masses that despite what others are claiming, He and the Boy Wonder support Vanilla Ice Cream and not PBC.

Meanwhile, the Caped Crusader confronts Maroni, the alleged photographer who turned over pictures from Bizzaro World of Batman and Robin eating cones of Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream:

Today's the last day to do what is right and restore Batman's good name:

Vote Vanilla for the Sake of the World!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The Party's On for Vanilla Ice Cream!

Check it out here with my man, Jackie, as your Host.

And you too can be a part of the fun. Just click here and vote Vanilla at the DBEC 2008 Championship.

Sorry, Spawn wasn't invited. But it's not too late to change that. We invite all DC Comicticians, Marvelites, Supporters of Fred Flintstone and Space Ghost and all independent comic book fans alike to do what is right and Vote for Thrilla Vanilla, the King of All Ice Cream!

Our Final Plea for Vanilla Ice Cream

The Klingon Empire has agreed to side with Federation citizens in the struggle to elect Vanilla Ice Cream as the number one ice cream of the Alpha Quadrant in the DBEC 2008 Final Round.

The Klingon High Council has declared that Thrilla Vanilla is the Official Ice Cream of the Warrior. By decree, Vanilla is now not just a matter of delicious, it is a matter of honor.

To celebrate this momentous occasion we share with you The Lord's Prayer (in traditional Klingon). Brought to you by former Chancellor, Gowron.

maj vav 'Iv ghaH Daq chal
quv ghaH lIj pong
DichDaq ghoS
'oH DichDaq taH ta'pu'
Daq tera' 'oH ghaH Daq chal
nob maH vam jaj maj tIr Soj
je maH maj traqpas'
je Dev maH ghobe' Daq tem'tak
maH chaH vetlh traqpas' Daq maH
'ach toD maH vo' mIghtaHghach
vaD thine ghaH je HoS je batlh vaD ever je ever.


Now perhaps we can turn the tide on this vote. With Jesus, the Klingon Empire, Spiderman, Batgirl, God, the JLA, the X-Men, and Captain James T. Kirk on our side how can we lose?!

Cast your Vote for Honor and Truth Here.
(Please don't make me translate the Five Pillars of Islam into Thanagarian. Just get on over to Donut Buzz and Vote for Vanilla- the number one ice cream of the Milky Way Galaxy.)

For the Sake of Vanilla Ice Cream- A Truce Has Been Called

My children of the DC Word and Friends of Batgirl's Bliss,

A truce hath been declared. At the request of Jackie and everything that is Holy, the culture war between DC and Marvel Comics will cease until Thursday so that we may all share in the imminent victory of Thrilla Vanilla Ice Cream.

This church hereby grants you permission to indulge yourselves in Marvel Comics until further notice. This includes: movies, comic books, graphic novels, television shows or anything else Marvel related. If you're 37 years old and have been eyeing Spiderman toys and action figures, now is the time to buy without fear of being sent to Arkham. If your two-year old grandson comes over with his Spiderman jacket on, you are free to compliment him on his taste in clothing. If you happened to come across the new Captain America comic book that explains His resurrection from the dead at the newsstand, you may now purchase it. Marvel shirts, shoes, hats are now acceptable and will not get you excommunicated from the Body of Batman. Just so long as you do the right thing and vote for Vanilla as the number one ice cream.

The Elders, in their infinite wisdom, saw this truce coming and informed me on Friday that I was free to rent Spiderman 3 and watch it without feeling guilty. This same generosity is being granted to each of you.

Afterall, if we do not unite now, Dr. Doom, Lex Luthor, Magneto, Brainiac, Captain Cold, and the Green Goblin are all going to be enjoying a cone of Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream together while the rest of us are left to perish.

So once again we urge you: DC Comicticians and Marvelites together get out there and Vote for Vanilla. If Vanilla can unite these two opposing factions, tell me, is it not the the greatest ice cream of all times? Peace, Justice, and Prosperity with Thrilla Vanilla!