Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Way to Start Every Morning

Here is my first suggestion for improving the atmosphere in our public schools.

Before each day of school begins, school kids from grades K through 12 should be made to stand up, place their hands over the hearts, face the Green Lantern flag of Oa, and repeat the following:

"In brightest day,
in blackest night
No evil
shall escape my sight.
Let those
who worship evil's might
Beware my power,
Green Lantern's light!"

There's no reason too spend much time explaining what it means to the children. If they begin repeating it everyday it will become engraved upon their psyches. Understanding should never take precedence over obedience and loyalty. If the major religions of the west have taught us anything, it's that too much thought and too many questions lead people down the path to eternal damnation.

And since all babies are born with the "original sinister", mindlessly memorizing the call of the Green Lantern Corps- starting around age four or five- will help turn them away from the evil which they are inherently born to pursue.

It is the least we can do for the little ones. It's not too late to make this nation, this world, and this dimension great again.


Evil Everywhere Pt . 4

I knew it!

While the Marvel-biased media and their lavish friends in Hollywood are out there doting over Spiderman and the Ghost Rider, this station has been constructed as a marine biology lab called Coral World.

No doubt it was designed by Black Manta and we all know the "marine biologists" inside go by names like Lex Luthor, Scarecrow, Giganta, and Gorilla Grodd. They painted it white so no one would get suspicious. And since this country has strayed so far from the teachings of the JLA, I doubt that anyone will even bother to notice.

This isn't rocket science, folks. The Day of the Legion of Doom is at hand; the signs are all around us that the end is drawing near. Are you ready?


Related Posts:
Evil Everywhere 3
Evil Everywhere 2
Evil Everywhere 1

Monday, July 30, 2007

Finding the Way

All great masters are chiefly distinguished by the power of adding a second, a third, and perhaps a fourth step in a continuous line. Many have taken the first step. But with every additional step you enhance immensely the value of your first.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

DC Comictician thought of the week:

Here at the First Church we're always looking for a brighter day and new ways to improve our society. Surely, we all know by now that strengthening our economy, spending more money on education, and having a more balanced system of wealth distribution is not the answer. We took Superman's picture out of the classroom and the only one to benefit was the Legion of Doom.

What we should do is prepare a list of ideas and take them to our local school boards. Like Batman tells us, criminals are weak and cowardly. Our children need to know that.

All this week, I'll be coming up with things that should be taught in our schools instead of all this useless science, mathematics, and everything else secular humanists try to push on our children.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself- and, well, maybe Solomon Grundy.


Saturday, July 28, 2007

Superman's Real Power

Here's a video which demonstrates just why we need to embrace the Justice League in our hearts and begin teaching our children the teachings of Batgirl and the principles of Star Trekiology in our public schools- instead of all this "secular humanism" which plagues our public institutions as I write.

I mean humans are great and all, but do you personally know anyone who take out Darkseid like this?

(Please note that Spiderman, the "Incredible" Hulk, Elektra, or a single one of the X-Men are nowhere to be seen in this battle against the Evil of all Evils. Must have been laundry day for the heroes of the Marvel Universe.)


Have a great weekend!!

"Allah Had No Son"

I was recently given this comic book that a friend found in a nearby store. It was called: "Allah Had No Son" and I just honestly don't know what to make of it. There's only one hero, some white guy named Jesus Christ and one villain, a brown skinned man named Muhammad. I'm really not sure which one prevails in the end so I can only conclude that this is meant to be humor and not something to be taken seriously.

If I follow the basic storyline, a "Christian" father and son come upon a "Muslim" praying. The father says he's praying to his moon god and the "Muslim" gets offended and threatens to kill to the two "Christians". After a few pages, the father starts in about how Islam was founded on some old Arab mythology with a pantheon of Gods; whereas Christianity was the real true faith. Pretty funny shit- considering how much the Bible's Devil looks like the Greek god, Pan, and how many times I've seen pictures of the Christian God that look like the Norse god king, Odin.

The story ends with the Muslim converting to Christianity after the Jesus hero threatens him with some terrible place called "Hell", the place where the supervillain, Muhammed, was ultimately sent (apparently, this is the superhero's special power- sending souls into a fiery pit for all eternity- possibly something similar to Arkham).

The reason I'm not sure who actually won this cosmic battle is because on page four, the Muslim proclaims: "We expect a Muslim flag to fly over the White House in the near future. It will be the end of Christianity in America." This quote is never rebuked. So the Christians pick up one for their side and lose the whole U.S.A. to the other. Perhaps this some sort of victory to these particular comic book fans or maybe the writers just added it for the extra special comedy effect.

It came from the First Baptist Church in Paden City, West Virginia via some comic book manufacturer called Chick Publications. I always thought that right-wing Christian preachers and televangelists were pretty funny clowns until they start messing around with public institutions and legislation- a clear violation of what our Holy Starfleet Captains James T. Kirk, Jean Luc Picard, Benjamin Sisko, and Kathryn Janeway have tried to teach us.

May Batman take mercy upon our souls.


Friday, July 27, 2007

The Safest Way

Your Star Trekiology verse of the week.

After Cardassian leader, Gul Dukat, leads a massive assault against Deep Space Nine, the station's lone, exiled Cardassian resident (to the right in the picture with our beloved and Holy Starfleet Captain- Benjamin Sisko), Garak, tells of how he once had a chance to shoot Dukat- while his back was turned.

The station's chief of security pointedly asks him, "You'd shoot a man in the back?"

To which Garak replies:

"Well, it's the safest way. Isn't it?"


Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Cat and the Dying

MSNBC reports that there is a cat wondering through a Rhode Island nursing home and laying with sick people as they die. Apparently, people who work at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center think this cat can see into the future and know when a patient is about to pass. But we know the truth; this cat is probably working for none other Catwoman, herself.

First off, let us thank MSNBC and the rest of the mainstream media for covering great stories like this. It's wonderful that they can bypass all those meaningless side stories- like a war in Iraq that is getting worse by the day, the resurgence of the Taliban in Afghanistan, and the most corrupt administration in American history- to cover all the stories that matter like this one.

Afterall, I'd like to know what Catwoman is up to with this Oscar, the cat. Is she purposely sending people to their graves so she can steal their jewelry when their gone or is this some strange deed she has ordered the feline to do in order to help them in some way?

One can never know when we're talking about Selena Kyle. We can only hope that MSNBC will keep us informed with up-to-the-minute breaking news about this startling new development.


Tuesday, July 24, 2007

What's the Big Deal?

"That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness" -2nd Thessalonians 2:12

Harry Potter seems to strike a nerve with those who read that big comic book called "the Holy Bible." I'm trying to understand why. I mean they say the books are involved with real witchcraft, yet I see no references to Tala anywhere in these books. So what are these people talking about?

A site called "Jesus is Savior" has this to say about the Potter books:

"But as wild as children seem to be about Harry, no one is happier about the phenomenon than the old-school Satanists, who were struggling to recruit new members prior to the publication of the first Potter book in 1997. “Harry in an absolute godsend to our cause,” said High Priest “Egan” of the First Church of Satan in Salem, MA. “An organization like ours thrives on new blood - no pun intended - and we've had more applicants than we can handle lately." In 1995, it was estimated that some 100,000 Americans, mostly adults, were involved in devil-worship of some sort. Today, more than 14 million children alone belong to the Church of Satan, thanks largely to the unassuming boy wizard from 4 Privet Drive. Yes, the numbers ARE horrific, but the total sales of Harry Potter books, plus the natural hand-me-down factor where many people read a book that has already been purchased, easily equals or exceeds this staggering figure of 14 million.

"But, most horribly, we see depictions of Satanism that are truly the end of this age. We notice the evil Voldemort drinking the blood of the Unicorn. Not only is drinking of blood forbidden in Scripture, but Satanists do it consistently. Further, this drinking of the blood of the unicorn, (a symbol of the New Age Movement) delivers a very strong message as to how people will relate to and ultimately accept the machinations of the coming Antichrist."

Old school Satanists? Drinking the blood of a unicorn? This is what these people worry about while the Legion of Doom plots their final assault against humanity?!! Here I thought the Marvelites were insane over their concern about Dr. Octopus. In fact, I don't know what's crazier: thinking this Anti-Christ supervillian is going to take over the world with his clever charm or thinking that the Jesus superhero is going to defeat this "evil" without his own plane or the ability to shoot fire from his eyeballs.

But there is one thing I know for certain. If this Harry Potter guy throws his hat in with Lex Luthor or Gorilla Grodd, the Martian Manhunter will find out about it. There is nothing that escapes his sight. We not worry about Potter joining the Legion of Doom or strengthening their sinister goals in some way. What we need to worry about is the absence Superman in our classrooms. Without Him, we are lost.

If we continue to turn on backs on the Justice League, we'll be left stranded- trying to fight off Darkseid all by ourselves. When the Harpies of Apokolips are forcing us all to march in the streets to the drums of Granny Goodness, we'll just see how much time people should have spent worrying about this Anti-Christ jerk-off. Talk about being damned while not believing in the truth for the sake of pleasure in unrighteousness!


Monday, July 23, 2007


DC Comictician thought of the week:

In the post, Evil Everywhere Pt. 2, my friend Rosie asks:

"Perhaps this is Captain Boomerang's attempt at redemption of some sort. Perhaps he's launching a war against vile, evil pittage."

Before we begin, we must understand that Rosie is an Anime'itheist, a mystical faith from the far east that doesn't have any real boundaries when comes to right and wrong. Unless we're talking about Catwoman, these boundaries are clear to those who practice DC Comictology. Frankly, I'm glad my exposure to Anime'itheism is limited because it all sounds so confusing when you've been raised to know the Truth. But as with those Marvel-ous people like Anne, we must learn to hate the comics, but not the comic fans.

It's not unusual for those outside the fold to wonder if Captain Boomerang, the Penguin, Black Manta or the Cheetah can be reformed. But those of us who are familiar with the scriptures realize that they're is no saving these evil-doers. Arkham punishes, they do not reform.

In Batman 1:87, the Bat tells us:

"You played your last hand, Joker"

There is no sound of forgiveness as Batman takes down the Joker.

And Batman 1, Frame 89 explains the true nature of the supervillian:

But even as Bruce speaks, at the state prison, the Joker is plotting another for his escape! "They can't keep me here! I know a way out- the Joker will yet have the last laugh"

I think the Word is is very clear about this. There is no saving the Riddler or Toyman, but it's not too late for non-believers, Marvelites and Anime'itheists to accept Supergirl into their hearts and know that Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Zatanna, and Nightwing are the true saviors of Gotham.

So please, step into the light; don't let the Joker have the last laugh.


Friday, July 20, 2007

Evil Everywhere Pt. 3

In our ongoing battle to stop the forces of the Legion of Doom and the Rogues Gallery from dominating our schools and public institutions, I've decided to seek out some strategies from other sources.

We've seen the shameless attempts of Nike and Degree Ultra Dry to try and make our children believe that Captain Boomerang isn't the very real threat to our way of life that he is. We'd like to see all mirrors removed from our schools and public buildings because these are the tools another Rogues Gallery founder, the Mirror Master, uses to reek havoc and destruction upon the Flash and his followers. Ice machines are another possibility for our crusade against evil influences because they represent not just Legion of Doom member, Captain Cold, but Mr. Freeze and Killer Frost as well. Scarecrows at harvest time have got to go too.

So after some not so extensive research, I've found the one of greatest sources for combating evil from the comic book makers at Chick Publications.

The people at Chick.com have a whole bunch of things they want banned: from Dungeons and Dragons to Catholicism to Islam to Mormons. And Halloween is one of their major sources of anguish. Here's what they have to say about it:

"If you are a Christian parent, God has given you a precious responsibility in your children. Remember, their ability to resist spiritual wickedness is much less than yours. If you allow your children to participate in Halloween (Trick or Treating, costume parties, etc.) you are allowing them to play on 'the devil’s turf,' and Satan will definitely press his home court advantage. You are opening up doorways into their young lives for evil by bringing them into a kind of 'fellowship' with these ancient 'gods.'"

I don't know about all that shit. First of all, Satan is a pretty lame supervillian- even less frightening than the ones from the Marvel Universe. I mean he's got no kryptonite or deadly toys to hurl at us and he sure the hell ain't from Bizarro World. Secondly, I doubt this "Devil" character even exists and if he did, no doubt Lex Luthor or the Joker have already disposed of him because he probably would have slowed them down. Third, if you are dressing up your kids to honor the eternal Heroes of DC Comictology or Star Trekiology then you doing them a real service which will not go unnoticed by the Martian Manhunter and Wonder Woman.

But perhaps we can take some of Chick.com's ideas and apply them to our battle for the real Truth. Here's how Chick battles Halloween:

"Many soul winners have tried to keep their children out of the trick-or-treat scene by refusing to be involved in Halloween. Churches have held 'Harvest Festivals' on October 31 to provide an alternative for Christian families.

"However, some bold Christians have turned the night into a major neighborhood outreach by including gospel tracts with the candy they give out. Chick Publications has received reports of many highly creative ways that customers have turned the night around to God's glory.

"Some simply give out tracts along with the candy. Others have set up tables with an assortment of tracts that kids can choose from.

"One family dressed in white robes and set up a table on their porch with a large book labeled 'The Book of Life'. They wrote in their names and when children would come for candy, they would be told that this was the great white throne of judgment and asked if their names were in the book."

So maybe we could employ some techniques like this.

We could carry soap and water with us everywhere so we can scrub Captain Boomerang's deodorant off people's armpits. Or we could stand around ice machines everywhere handing out Batman comic books; warning people about the dangerous influence that Mr. Freeze and Killer Frost could have over our children. We could talk farmers into replacing their Scarecrows with life-sized statues of Nightwing. And maybe, just maybe we could stand outside every retail store that sells playing cards and hand out decks that don't include the dangerous image of the Joker.

Of course, we could always have an old fashioned book burning where we would burn every book with question marks in them- since the "question mark" is the symbol of the Riddler.

These are just a few suggestions and I'm open to any others. I mean if people can get all worked up about Halloween and devil logos, surely they'll see the common sense logic of ridding this nation of symbols that represent the real enemies like those from the Legion of Doom and the Rogues Gallery.


Related Posts:
Evil Everywhere
Evil Everywhere Pt. 2

If We're Going to Be Damned

Your Star Trekiology verse of the week:

When faced with daunting task of defending the human race's barbaric history against the all mighty Q continuum, Captain Jean Luc Picard offers these sharp words of advice:

"If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are."

Star Trek Next Generation
Season 1: Chapter 1


Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Origins of Life

A new $27 million dollar museum has opened down in Kentucky called the Creation Museum. There, people are treated to an "alternative" perspective on how the earth came be. It presents world history and science from a biblical perspective. According to them, the world is only 6,000 years old, the dinosaurs were cast out of the Garden of Eden along with Adam and Eve, and the Grand Canyon was created by the flood that killed everyone except Noah and his family.


I thought that everyone knew by now how life came to be on this planet; a group of humanoids from another galaxy scattered their DNA throughout the Milky Way Galaxy in order to preserve some part of themselves after they realized they were dying off. This DNA was set to evolve so that on earth-like environments, one species of Mammal would be dominant and resemble this mysterious, dying race of preservers.

As a matter of fact, Q took Captain Jean Luc Picard back in time to the beginning of life on earth and showed him a pool of genomes electronically combusting to form life- not Adam and Eve making love for the first time!

I mean the biblical creationist theories are colorful and interesting. But while their theories address the question of how humans ended up on earth; they fail to explain how the Vulcans ended up on Vulcan or how the Klingons ended up on Qo'Nos. I really do hope parents will take that into account before they take their kids to this Creation Museum and let them think that any it is historically or scientifically accurate.

Click here for more creationism debunking.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Evil Everywhere Pt. 2

Some people still don't believe me when I tell them that America is lost. We, as a nation, have gone downhill since we began turning our backs on the Justice League. Ever since we've removed Superman from our public schools, "anything goes" is apparently this nation's motto.

Here's more proof. When I was pushing my buggy down the cosmetics aisle in the store yesterday, I couldn't help but notice something strange in the deodorant section. Ultra Dry Degree is using the symbol of Captain Boomerang to sell their product!

Along with Captain Cold and the Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang is one of the founding members of the Rogues Gallery, which is dedicated to destroying the Flash, our Scarlett Speedster. His boomerangs reek havoc everywhere, often exploding on impact. But despite all this, retail stores around the nation seem to have no moral qualms with spreading his image everywhere.

So I went directly to the store manager and demanded that these evil symbols of destruction and doom be pulled off their shelves immediately. Well, I was thrown out of the store and asked never to come back- if you can believe that.

And, folks, this about sums up where we are today. The heinous crimes of Captain Boomerang and his symbolism take precedence over the teachings and sacrifices of the Flash. Yet, people still wonder why we, as a nation, face so many problems in our daily lives.

I hope you realize just what it is you are doing when you apply this evil deodorant to your under arms after a shower. This is more than just some agent to keep your armpits dry; it's an agent of Gorilla Grodd, the Rogues Gallery, and the Legion of Doom.


Related Post: Evil Everywhere

Monday, July 16, 2007

Our DC Heroes Bless Us All

Here's your DC Comictician thought of the week: will everybody receive protection from the Justice League even if they've never heard of Batman, Wonder Woman, and Jonn Jones- the Martian Manhunter?

The answer is yes, if they will just accept our Heroes into their hearts. Everyone will hear of the Justice League and the Justice Society at some point in their lives. Even kids who grow up with nothing but X-Men or Incredible Hulk action figures will hear the names: Batgirl and Superman at least once. Once they've heard the Truth, it will be up to them to decide whether to believe in a far-fetched story like some man who shoots webs out of his palms or to believe in the real story of the last living Martian with shape shifting abilities who can read into people's subconscious minds.

Yes, people must choose on their own whether some guy who turns lime green and busts through his clothes when he's angry can stop an evil mastermind like the Toyman or whether to place their faith in the righteousness which dwells in the Batcave and the Watchtower to protect us from such evil. Remember that our Heroes are forgiving and they will offer you many chances to repent and believe before they haul your ass off to Arkham.


Sunday, July 15, 2007

The Batman

Let us bow our heads.


More Blasphemy in America- This Time It's Serious

Folks, I'm really worried about this country. I'm worried, I'm sick, and I just can't believe how far we have strayed from the Truth since humanity had to leave Gotham City. This is rapidly becoming a nation of criminals, non-believers, immoral hedonists, and Legion of Doom sympathizers. I've been aware of this nation's decay for some time, but this just blows my mind.

The Sci-Fi Channel is running a series called "Who Wants to Be Superhero?" and, of course, the host is that false prophet from the Marvelite universe, Stan Lee. I could not imagine anything more offensive to Wonder Woman, Power Girl, or Elongated Man than to take ordinary citizens and put them on TV to try out as "superheros".

Seriously, unless you're from Krypton, have had some kind of major accident in your lab which transformed your physical being somehow, have superior knowledge and wisdom mixed with a few cool toys, or were contacted by the Guardians of the Universe to serve in the Green Lantern Corps., you are an ordinary human being; cast out of Gotham (or maybe Metropolis, Smallville, or Central City). You should be spending every minute of your waking day giving thanks to the Justice League of America for keeping us safe from the wicked influences of Gorilla Grodd.

America has truly lost its way. The time to repent is now. Look up to the sky and thank our heroes in the Watchtower for not turning their backs on us the way so many of us have turned our backs on them.

I think the Joker may be behind this. He may even be working with Lex Luthor on a sinister plan to distract and hypnotize us all with this unholy TV show. If that's the case then we're in some fuckin' trouble here, people.

I just hope the Reverend Stan Lee and his Marvel-ous followers, who think that Bruce Wayne was just another resident of Gotham City, are ready to answer for their sins when we're all standing around in tears- saluting the dark flag of the Legion of Doom!


Saturday, July 14, 2007

The End is Near?

I ran across another person on the street today who claimed the end was near. He gave me a pamphlet that I glanced it at briefly and wondered what was going on. I thought maybe he had some information about Darkseid and his minions from Apokolips or something on the latest threat posed by the Sinestro Corps. Or maybe he had heard something new about the intentions of Kid Amazo. Afterall, he had books called the Watchtower so I figured maybe the Martian Manhunter had decided to start putting out a newsletter from the Justice League's space station to keep us mortals informed.

But the information in his pamphlets pertained to none of these important developments. Instead, it claimed that there was someone called "the anti-Christ" who was on the verge of taking over. So I had to ask him, "does this new supervillain have some kind of powerful weapon he's planning to use on us? Does he fly or have heat ray vision? Can he freeze us with some special power using his hands? Is he from Bizarro World?" The guy just looked at me while I patiently awaited his answers. Without saying another word, he moved on to the next passer-by.

Sometimes barely mentioning a villain's name can bring about eminent destruction and doom, saying the name of Mister Mxy****lk for example, so I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. But after I gazed over the pamphlet, I realized this guy was totally insane. This "anti-Christ" character had no special powers or ingenious devices of destruction and domination.

Now, if I read the thing right, he's supposed to unite the world under one government- hardly the work of a criminal mastermind like the Penguin or Captain Cold. Then apparently four horsemen are supposed to ride down out of the sky and smite the earth with fire with nothing but some old trumpets. I mean come on. Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman could handle these jerk-offs themselves without even having to call upon the rest of the League. At the root of all this nonsense is some character named Satan- who's only power seems to be influencing people to have sex out of wedlock and say swear words out loud.

I'm not impressed. And I just can't imagine people believing in stuff like this, much less fearing it. Once they get a taste of Granny Goodness or perhaps an early Borg invasion, they're going to realize this Satan character is about as threatening as a thief trying to mug pedestrians with a wet noodle.


Related post: Apokolips Rising

Friday, July 13, 2007

Only Nixon

This week's Star Trekiology verse of the week:

After Spock sets up a mission to begin peace talks between the Federation and the Klingon Empire, led by a disgruntled Captain Kirk, he tells the Captain of an ancient Vulcan proverb:

"Only Nixon could go to China."

Star Trek VI
The Undiscovered Country

Extra Special Thanks to Chris James for bringing up this verse in last weeks' Star Trekiology Verse Friday.

Live long and prosper.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Wikipedia- Source of Information or Agents for the Legion of Doom

The major reason America is on the decline is because along with the Marvel-biased media, America's educational institutions are rife with non-believers. I had always thought that Wikipedia was a fair and balanced source of information that wasn't biased against eternal wisdom, but it turns out that they too have turned their backs on the Truth and are helping to steer this country away from the Justice League and I think it's high time congress starts holding a few hearings.

I was preparing tomorrow's lesson plans for the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. I lit a candle and began honoring the Black Canary in my heart when I came across this from Wikipedia's article on a hero to whom we all owe our eternal gratitude:

"This article describes fictional events in the past tense. The present tense should be used in order to clearly differentiate between fictional events and actual history. To meet Wikipedia's quality standards, this comics-related article or section may require cleanup."

No doubt that this is the kind of things our children are being taught in school. Well, I know where the cleanup needs to start and it ain't in this "comic-related article" or section. That is if we are truly going to be a nation that stands for justice and eternal vigilance; they way our founding superheroes intended.


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Getting Back to the Basics

I hear people talking all the time about the need to get back to the basics. They feel that America has lost its way and turned into a nation of crime, sex, and drugs. And I couldn't agree more.

But their solution to the problem seems to be prayer in school, teaching kids about some old white man in the sky, and hanging the ten commandments in our public buildings. I fail to see how any of this is going to accomplish anything.

I hereby propose another alternative which should prove more effective: light up the Bat signal over every city and town in America. With Batman on our side we really can't fail, but if we ignore Him; He is most likely going to ignore us. The answer to the problem is clear.

Seriously, if we light up our skies with this great signal which the Bat hath handed down to us to use when we need His protection and the of protection Robin, Batgirl, and Nightwing, people will think twice before they do something wrong. Throw up the Bat signal every night and explain to our children what it means and watch them grow to respect the laws and common decency upon which this nation was founded.

This is just plain common sense, people. Lobby your city hall to bring America back the basics by showing Batman that Yes! we, here in this nation of Gothamites, still believe in Him and still yearn for His love and protection.


Sunday, July 8, 2007

How This New Faith Began- Part 1

First of all, I'd like to thank the six or seven people who visit this blog on a regular basis except Anne Johnson- I mean I love her to death, but she's trying to lead us all into thinking that we have to watch out for imaginary villains like Magneto and Dr. Doom, when the actual threat lies with real supervillains like the Black Manta and Gorilla Grodd. Marvel Comics prey on the weak and ask us to believe that some guy became a hero after getting bit by some damn spider then turn around and completely reject the Truth of the Flash who got the power of lightening fast speed from a lab accident. I know it's hard to believe that people can think like this, but apparently they do.

So for those of you who have wondered aloud: "just how did you discover the truth about our DC Heroes and the Holy Starfleet Captains?" Well, Superman has heard your prayers and informed me through a vision that the Martian Manhunter wants me to tell the story. So here it is the first installment.

It was an ordinary night and I was cooking dinner over the fire when I was struck with complete despair. It was so gripping that I couldn't even move, all I could do was think about how awful the world had become. Murder, crime, war, terror, people stepping over people; it was everywhere. Tears welled up in my eyes and my body began to shake.

Then suddenly it was like a dream; a vision appeared from out of dark. Just to make sure I wasn't dreaming or absolutely crazy, I held my hand directly over the fire. After five or so minutes, I began to smell the burning flesh from my hand. I knew that what was happening was, in fact, as real as real gets.

I couldn't quite make out who this figure was, but it was so illuminating my could only guess that this was some sort of higher power. He held out his hand and immediately the fear and despair that had paralyzed me was lifted. This man spoke to me in not just English, but Appalachian and he said, "C'mon, boy. Got somethin' I need to show ya."

To be continued.


Friday, July 6, 2007


This week's Star Trekiology verse of the week comes from the classics.

"Ah, Kirk, my old friend, do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold?"

Khan Noonien Singh
Scripture: Star Trek 2- The Wrath of Khan

Monday, July 2, 2007

Evil Everywhere

In a nearby town, the high school's sports teams are called the Blue Devils. Another nearby town has the Red Devils. Religious figures have often called on these names to be changed because they believe that the Devil really exists and we should not be encouraging support for this evil master of the dark realm.

Pat Robertson's 700 Club and other fundamentalist organizations routinely call for the banning of Halloween for much the same reason: we shouldn't be encouraging our kids to dress up as goblins and witches because they believe such characters are real and do the daily work of Satan, himself.

Well, the other day I got to looking around and I noticed something wasn't right. People everywhere are wearing Nikes. Aside from the fact that Nike Inc. is king when it comes to exploiting sweatshop labor and charging $100 for a pair of shoes made by some ten year-old kid from the third world who makes about 5 cents an hour (click here for an alternative), I also couldn't help but notice that they also use the same logo as Captain Boomerang, a ruthless enemy of the Flash who devises explosive boomerangs to terrorize the people of Central City.

Clearly, this is unacceptable. From Wikipedia on this evil supervillian:

"Although he lacked any actual superhuman abilities, he became a recurring enemy of the Flash, typically by devising altered boomerangs which could produce astonishing effects (some would explode, others had razor-sharp edges, etc.), and using them ruthlessly. He became a staple member of the Rogues Gallery, a group of villains dedicated to opposing Flash."

Celebrating a staple member of the Rogues Gallery! This is an outrage. What's next? Pictures of Captain Cold on lunch boxes? Mirrors on people's tee-shirts that the Mirror Master could use to travel from dimension to dimension and control people's minds?

Before we start banning Halloween and removing devil logos from high school football teams, we need to get Captain Boomerang's logo off the street before this gets out of hand. It's an affront to justice everywhere and it's offensive to the Flash.


Serve Us Your Politicians

DC Comictician thought for the week: how much power should any religion have over U.S. politicians?

This question comes on the heels of a move by the Catholic Church to ban any politician in the U.S. from receiving communion if they support abortion rights:

"Politicians who support abortion rights have long drawn criticism from church authorities. Now Pope Benedict XVI says they should be subject to excommunication.

"That would create problems for fully half the Democratic presidential field as well as the Republican who leads most polls for the GOP nomination, Rudy Giuliani."

Pretty barbaric.

So if the First Church of the DC Comicitcian were to meddle in American politics like this, how would we proceed?

Forget taking a stand against abortion because you know goddamn well that Supergirl, Wonder Woman, and the Black Canary would sooner clean up the street with your broken ass than let you decide for them what they're going to do with their bodies.

So what could politicians do to earn our wrath? I mean besides secretly funding a project of Lex Luthor's or granting a full pardon to the Joker after what he did to Jason Todd and Batgirl.

Maybe it would just be best if we left Batman and the Pope out of our public decision making altogether.

(Hat Tip to Carolyn KB from Tennessee Guerilla Women for the USA Today link about the Vatican's tax-free influence they have over our government.)


Sunday, July 1, 2007

What Really Happened to the Dinosaurs

Let us begin today's lesson on just what exactly happened the dinosaurs. We know for certain that none of them are around today, but that's just on this planet.

While Captain Kathryn Janeway was stuck in the Delta Quadrant along with the rest of her crew aboard the Starship Voyager, she made contact with a reptilian race called the Voth or Saurians (Star Trek Voyager, Season 3: Chapter 23). Two of the Voth scientists, one named Gegen, believed that their people came from a distant far away planet and they discover through meeting the crew of Voyager that that planet is called Earth. Professor Gegen called this the "Distant Origin Theory".

Captain Janeway and the Doctor use holographic imagines to confirm Professor Gegen's findings. They figure out that the Voth did indeed descend from the Hadrosaur which evolved right here on our own planet. Apparently, millions of years ago these Hadrosaurs realized that they were about to be wiped out by reoccurring natural disasters; so they banded together and invented warp powered vessels then headed out into space to find a new world where they could live.

Professor Gegen was criticized and faced a trial for his unorthodox views and for challenging the Voth Ministry of Elders' doctrine that the Voth/Saurians were the first intelligent species in their realm of space. Even though the scientific evidence was right there in front of the Ministry, they chose to ignore it and punish Gegen for heresy instead.

I realize it's hard for us here on Earth to imagine governments and religious figures denying scientific facts and reason because it conflicts with certain beliefs and doctrines, but apparently it happens within the Voth realm of space.

So before people even think of teaching kids in our public schools that the dinosaurs died off because none of them would fit on Noah's Ark, they had better include the account of the Saurians and their quest for a new home out there in the Delta Quadrant where they formed the highly, technologically advanced civilization of the Voth.

It's only fair.


You Mean There's No Batman!

Political writer Christopher Hitchens has written a book called God is Not Great- How Religion Poisons Everything where he claims that religions cause a lot more harm than good. Here's a brief excerpt:

"There are four irreducible objections to religious faith: that it wholly misrepresents the origins of man and the cosmos, that because of this original error it manages to combine the maximum of servility with the maximum of solipsism, that it is both the result and the cause of dangerous sexual repression, and that it is ultimately grounded on wish-thinking.

I do not think it is arrogant of me to claim that I had already discovered these four objections (as well as noticed the more vulgar and obvious fact that religion is used by those in temporal charge to invest themselves with authority) before my boyish voice had broken. I am morally certain that millions of other people came to very similar conclusions in very much the same way, and I have since met such people in hundreds of places, and in dozens of different countries. Many of them never believed, and many of them abandoned faith after a difficult struggle."

I suppose he also doesn't believe that Aquaman reigns supreme over Atlantis or that Wonder Woman is out there in her invisible plane keeping us safe from crime.

Well, I sure do hope Hitchens can summon up some heat ray vision and employ other such super powers while flying through the sky. Because without the Justice League, I don't know what the hell we're going to do when the secret society known as the Legion of Doom decides to launch their final assault on our way of life.