Thursday, March 20, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 5

This week we're going to teach you about a comic book hero named David.

But before we start we would like to note that of all the characters in the pictureless graphic novel called the Old Testament, King David is our favorite. Here's a man of peace who was willing and able to kick someone's ass clear off the map and then write a few poems about it. Out of all the Bible's superheroes, we're convinced that only David could take command of a galaxy-class starship a lead it into battle with the Dominion or the Borg and beat their asses straight back to quadrants where they belong.

That being said, David's biggest claim to fame was taking down some giant Philistine prick with nothing more than a slingshot. His relatively small size made this seem impossible to his fellows within the Kingdom of Israel. He was just a boy, but nevertheless, he took down this towering figure called Goliath with one single shot.

We commend him for actions. We only wish we knew whether he was wearing a mask or a cape or if he later carried a utility belt to fight off other such monsters. But since the authors of the Bible weren't considerate enough to draw us any pictures, we'll never know.

Now, let us imagine for a minute that Ray Palmer, aka the Atom, had been there to fight off the Philistines instead of David.

While we do admire David's fighting skills, the whole fight seems to have happened far to fast. When you're taking down your enemies, you really ought to subject them to a few rounds of humiliation before you start spanking them. It's only right.

That's where the Atom comes in. First off, the DC scriptures tell us that Ray Palmer was a brilliant scientist so you know he would have been planning this take down for months. Instead of waiting until the last minute, the Atom would have been ready for serious one man battle against the oncoming army.

Once the enemies began massing, the Atom would have pushed the button on his belt and shrank to a size where hardly no one could see him. He wouldn't have needed even a slingshot. He could have hopped around on the Philistines' shoulders pulling on their ears and their hair. The spectacle of watching these giants hop around crushing the sides of their own heads would have brought some serious laughter to the people of Israel. They could have brought fold-out lawn chairs and bags of popcorn and just watched as the Philistine solders began to drop like flies.

For a grand finale, the Atom would have entered Goliath's skull through his earlobe and began ripping out the cords, arteries, and veins that made the giant tick. The whole battle would have been over without anyone really knowing what the hell happened. For that matter the Atom, being the genius that he was, could have rewired Goliath's brain and caused his whole head to explode. That would have been certain to draw a standing ovation from the crowd.

So you see. King David might have been cool, but the Atom is cooler. I don't think the choice on which comic book you really should be following could be any plainer.



Malach the Merciless said...

I see this as Robin, vs. Bane

primalscreamx said...

As far as a lesson, I think Blue Beetle versus Maxwell Lord is much more meaningful. You fight, even though you know you're going to lose, because it's the right thing to do.

Elvis Drinkmo said...


Glory Be to the Blue Beetle and to Robin.