Tuesday, March 4, 2008

What Does the Bible Really Teach Us?

Yesterday some Christians came to my house and gave me a new comic book called "What Does the Bible Really Teach?"

I flipped through it to see if there might be some cool pictures of battles between the Jesus superhero and that villain they call Satan. Just as I thought there were none. Which only confirms what I already believed- that Jesus has no real superpowers and Satan is about as threatening as a dandelion under the mowing deck of a tractor.

Seriously, when I open up a comic book I want to see something or someone evil getting their teeth knocked out. Is this getting to be too much to ask in this day and age? Apparently so.

I found this comic book to be extremely confusing. They talk about their major hero called God and then they switch to the name Jehovah. Now, I thought maybe the God hero may have been taken over by an evil parasite similar to Parallax, who has been known to steal the bodies of the Green Lanterns, but as it turns out Jehovah is this God superhero's real name. Why didn't they just say so in the first place?

Then I got about as far as page ten when I came across this:

"So God is never the source of the wickedness you see in the world around you. Granted, he does allow bad things to happen. But there is a big difference between allowing something to happen and causing it."

Oh, how convenient. This is like saying that Superman didn't create Brainiac; therefore he shouldn't bother trying to stop him from taking over our planet. What kind of superhero is that?

Page eleven:

"Well, the Bible teaches us that God is a "lover of justice". So he cares deeply about what is right and what is wrong. He hates all kinds of injustice."

And yet, he hasn't registered as a member of the Justice League or even applied to get into Starfleet Academy- I suppose if he allows the Borg to assimilate the entire human race he's not responsible because he didn't cause the Borg to come here from the Delta Quadrant. Color me skeptical.

It's a damn good thing that we have Supergirl, Black Canary, the Green Arrow, Mr. Spock, and Captain Kathryn Janeway to protect us against those who hate us because we elect our representatives and seek to destroy our way of life. Because from everything I can tell, these superheros called God and Jesus aren't going to do a damn thing when the Legion of Doom decides to wave their flag over top of the White House, except maybe hang their Ten Commandments somewhere near the flagpole.

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6 comments:

JDB said...

This Jesus fellow does have his own comics: http://www.chick.com/default.asp. They don't even really measure up to the books of Those Which Cannot Be Named, however. Not that I'd know anything about those, of course.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Yes, we frequently draw inspiration from Chick. Even though their heroes and villains are almost as fraudulent as the ones from Marvel Comics- they still offer a good example of how to be completely intolerant of the people who believe differently than we do. Intolerance is a valuable tool for our religion just like it is for the all the others.

Anne Johnson said...

If it was your damn DC characters who caused me to lose my job the same week I switched from the Bible to Milk and Cheese: Dairy Products Gone Bad, then I say all hail to indie comics everywhere, and all hell to DC!

AngryMan said...

"So God is never the source of the wickedness you see in the world around you. Granted, he does allow bad things to happen. But there is a big difference between allowing something to happen and causing it."

God's a lawyer, huh?

Malach the Merciless said...

God got his ass kicked the other day from Aza Thoth, it was embarassing.

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