Saturday, March 8, 2008

Lost Sheep and Inner Discovery

People flocking the doors of this church are often spellbound by the magnificent teachings of the Justice League of America. Often times they feel it is because of my powerful sermons and my inner light that shines like Green Lantern's power ring.

Friends, it's important to remember that I do not bring the joy that comes with discovering the Truth. I am merely the messenger who bears witness to the glory that is the Hall of Justice.

Few people know it, but I was once like you; unclean and unholy, living in the darkness. This is my story.

As a small child, I was lost. I was lost in sea full of fish swimming toward the Black Manta in search of answers. I was a sheep amongst wolves; another card in the Joker's deck. Before Kindergarten, I had masterminded the perfect diamond store heist and began thinking about another plan to steal precious museum artifacts. I couldn't help myself. Like everybody, I was born with the Original Sinister and these thoughts come natural to us all- ever since humans were kicked out of Gotham City, Metropolis, and Smallville.

Batman and Robin were reaching out to me through the Scooby Doo Show on Saturday mornings, but I couldn't hear Their wisdom. The Superfriends tried to steer me toward the light, but my steering column was broken. Batgirl drove Her motorcycle across the television screen for me everyday at 4:00 PM, but I couldn't see Her Divinity. Captain Marvel and Isis were trying to show me The Way, but I was too busy plotting out the next perfect crime to pay attention to what They we're saying. I was blinded by evil, the Riddler's puzzles, Poison Ivy's potions, and Lex Luthor's mind controlling devices. Yes, friends, at age 5, I was following the path that leads to Arkham Asylum. I was more lowly than the lowliest of low beasts.

By the age of 10, my life was filled with depravity. The 70's were coming to close and the decade was filled with moral relativism, secular humanism, and multi-comic bookism in the classroom. "Anything goes" was mantra of those days and it gave the Joker an extra reason to smile. The nation was slowly beginning to turn its back on the morals taught to us through DC Comics. And there I was- carrying an Incredible Hulk lunch box to school everyday.

It was then that I realized there was a void in my life. I tried searching through my Fantastic Four comic books for answers, but I could find none. I watched Spiderman on PBS's show The Electric Company. I watched Space Giants on TBS. Neither show could rid me of my emptiness. You see, these were the days before the Legion of Doom had launched their full spectrum of television stations like MTV, VH1, the Weather Channel and CNN and we only had five to choose from. It was also before righteous stations like the WB, the CW, and Cartoon Network began trying to counter Gorilla Grodd's influence by telling people about the Truth.

1980 was an election year and a man named Jerry Falwell began trying to influence politics with some god who has no heat ray vision, cool cars, or even a utility belt. I tried looking into their comic books and since there were no pictures, I immediately realized that there were no answers here. Falwell's counterpart in Iran, the Ayatollah Khomeini, had just risen to power and yet another comic book was on display without any pictures or heroes with superpowers- prepared to challenge Darkseid and his minions from Apokolips. No answers here either.

Then one night, I had a dream. Jonn Jonzz, the Martian Manhunter, called out and said, "Awaken, Elvis".

My eyes opened and I could see Hawkgirl's wings opening before me. Superman came forward and gazed at me with Wonder Woman beside Him, the Green Lantern began charging up His ring, Powergirl's eyes began to glow, and the Black Canary let out a scream. Next thing I knew, a baterang had hit me upside the head, knocking me out cold. When opened my eyes again I was in the Batcave. It was there that I learned the Truth.

The JLA and the JSA began speaking to me in tongues. No mere mortal would have been able to understand them, but since I had been filled with light, I understood the words very clearly. Suddenly the lyrics to the Batman TV series from the 60's starting making sense.

They told me to give up the Marvel Comics and the heresy. I did.

They told me to confess and I did so.

I asked them to forgive me of my sinisters and forgiveness was granted.

They told me to surrender to their power and their wisdom and I fell to my knees.

They asked me to spread their Word across globe and warn people about the Legion of Doom and their false prophets and so the First Church of the DC Comictician was born. At the age of 11, I became the rigidly intolerant and annoyingly self-righteous High Priest for the Justice League and Justice Society of America and began my crusade against secular humanism, moral relativism, comic books without pictures and ass stomping superheroes, the Joker's minions in our public schools, Legion of Doom sympathizors, Anime, Marvel Comics, and everything else in this world that is unholy.

.........tune in next time for how the Truth laid out for us in the Five Holy Shows of Star Trek became a part of this great faith. Same Bat time, same Bat channel.


Malach the Merciless said...

My first DC Comics Bible was The Watchmen, which I still read to this day, and got me beyong Detective Comics when I was doing the comic book thing.

Jackie said...

Great googily moogily! This post brought a tear to my eye! :D

Buzzardbilly said...

I have never seen the power of such witnessing!

Oh, how I wish I'd read this sooner. Perhaps it would have vanquished my flu, sinus infection, and host of other ailments.

*wipes a tear*