Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Views on the Afterlife

The Elders were recently contacted by some aliens who represent all four quadrants of our galaxy about a documentary on the Terran view of the afterlife. The program is supposed to go out an Intergalactic Public Broadcasting network and I joined a couple of the other religious leaders from sector 001 in explaining our beliefs.

Of course, only one of the opinions explained here is True and if you don't know which one it is, say "Hi" to Poison Ivy for me when you get to Arkham.

Dr. Pat Robertson:

"Jesus gave a parable, very clear, about a rich man who dined sumptuously. He wore beautiful clothes. There was a beggar named Lazarus who was content to eat the scraps off the rich man’s table. The Bible says they both died. He says the beggar was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man wound up in hell. He saw Lazarus in Abraham’s bosom, and he says, 'Please, send Lazarus over to me and just dip his finger in some water, because I am 'tormented by this flame.'' Abraham said, 'I’m sorry, old buddy, but there is a great gulf between us. He can’t go from where he is to you, and you can’t come over to us. You are set there forever.' Jesus Himself talked about outer darkness. He talked about a lake that burns with fire. He talked about eternal separation from God. Hell is real. Whether it’s the torment of the flames of remorse, it’s what you could have had. The Bible talks the lake of fire reserved for the devil and his angels. There is no doubt that it’s real."

Pastor John Hagee:

"In the first moment after your last breath, angels will escort you to Heaven, into the presence of God. Jesus implied as much when telling the story of the rich man and Lazarus, the poor beggar. Jesus said, ' So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by angels to Abraham's bosom'(Luke 16:22).

"God Himself will meet you at the gates of heaven and wipe any tears from your eyes. Scripture says, '… for the lamb who is in the midst of the throne will Shepard them and led them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away ever tear from there eyes' (revalation7:17). You'll never have reason to weep again. You'll never have to say good-bye again. You'll never fell physical or emotional pain again; You'll never experience another moment of regret, remorse, or rejection.

"You will receive a dazzling white robe of righteousness, without spot or wrinkle. Ephesians 5:27 states, '… that He might present her [the bride of Christ] to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.' The church is the bride of Christ, and God is preparing us to step into eternity with Him at any moment!

"Are you prepared for your 'promotion'? Now is the time to do what God has called you to do. Today is your opportunity to tell someone else about Jesus, to you neighbor, and to do good in Jesus' name. Remember, the clock is ticking… time is almost up.

"The best is yet to come! You need not fear leaving your comfort zone. Men and women cannot discover new oceans unless they have the courage to lose sight of the shore. Now is the time to get ready! Heaven is only a breath away!"

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo:

"Ever since the Preservers scattered our DNA across the four corners of the galaxy to evolve in their image, we have had a choice; a choice between embracing the founding principles of the Justice League and the United Federation of Planets and following the path of the Borg Collective and the Legion of Doom.

"But unlike those comic books that don't have any pictures in them, we offer you two opportunities for bliss. If you welcome Batgirl and Captain James T. Kirk into your heart and submit to Their divinity, you can either join the Justice League in the Hall of Justice or join Starfleet Academy so that you may one day sit at Captain Jean Luc Picard's side. If you die a glorious death in battle, you will then proceed to the Hall of Justice. There, you will join your loved ones, unless they spent their lives along side the majority of humanity- kneeling down at the Legion of Doom's alter.

"The alternative to accepting Batman as Gotham's True Savior and welcoming Him into your life is either being dragged by the hair to Arkham Asylum for all eternity or to be sent in an unarmed shuttle craft directly into Borg space where you will be assimilated and tortured for the rest of your existence- after which you will be sent to Arkham. There, you will be forever separated from the wisdom of Superman and Starfleet Command.

"For the Batman Chronicles tell us, 'the mighty Batman is upon the surprised Joker before he can use his venom gun.' and He saith unto the Joker, 'Why don't you laugh now, Mr. Joker?'

"You see, the Joker is real. Batman is real. Arkham is real. Your soul is real and all criminals are weak and cowardly. The Day of the Legion is upon us and the Borg are going to invade any minute.

"Tell all your friends, the Hall of Justice awaits them. Embrace the teachings of the Justice League of America and get your promotion to First Officer aboard the Enterprise E. Eternity awaits your decision, so choose wisely."



Anne Johnson said...

You know, Pastor Elvis, your religion has the same problem as that other one with the book with no pictures. Namely, your villains are better than your heroes. They're more interesting and far more unpredictable. Sadly, after giving this a great deal of thought, I would rather spend eternity with the Joker than with Batman.

I'm not going to go to the joke store and buy lots of nasty gags or anything, because basically I'm not part of your religion. But if you turn out to be the One and Only True Church, I think I'll be happy enough with Poison Ivy and Arkham. Batman, like God, has ISSUES.

Elvis Drinkmo said...


You'll have to forgive us for our bigotry and intolerance. Afterall, you can see what we have to compete with here.

The Hall of Justice is a wonderful place to be and our Heroes and commissioned officers love you and ask you to reconsider your decision.

Poison Ivy might seem like fun on the surface, but underneath she is as evil as the Joker, Two-Face, and Killer Croc.

Please reconsider, we want you to join us with the Justice League in the Hall of Justice. Recant before it is too late!

Malach the Merciless said...


Betsy aka 'the goat yoda' said...

One can always shoot the book, then burn the person, but once inside that deep and awful asylum at Arkham, the bastion darkness made manifest, one's only true hope is that Chthulu eats you first!

Preach it Rev.!

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Right on, Betsy and Malach. Arkham is a horrible place- there is loud music always blaring, teeth gnashing, people screaming and writhing in pain.

The Hall of Justice, however, is a glorious and divine place with golden harps and people singing beautiful praises to the Justice League.

We must give ourselves over to Them so that we may be received.

AngryMan said...

John Hagee's show comes on where I live on Sunday mornings. It's just another reason not to get up early.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

And on Saturday nights where I live- Justice League Unlimited comes on. Another reason to stay up late.

Juanuchis said...

May we all be so blessed as St. William Riker as to sit at the Right Hand of Picard.

May the Awesomeness of James T. Kirk strengthen us in all adversity.

May the Logic of Spock guide our holy decisions.

May the Compassion of Bones guide us, and his sarcasm be a shield from Stupidity.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Amen! Thank you, Juanuchis.