Monday, March 17, 2008

Lost Sheep and Inner Discovery Pt. 2

Millions of people and other aliens from around the quadrant have been just dying to find out how we discovered the Truth and the path that leads to eternal bliss and divine righteousness.

I told you all about how I discovered life's meaning within DC Comics, now I'll explain how the Truth found in the Holy Episodes of Star Trek came to be a part of the Great Religion.

As I said before, at age 11, I became the youngest High Priest in modern times. After I discovered that DC Comics were stories meant to be taken literally, I learned about a story that they hide from us in our Heroless, nihilistic public schools. There was a point in time when the Marvelites took over Gotham City which sparked an outcry amongst the DC faithful. They were taking down pictures of Batman and replacing them with pictures of Spiderman. The DC Comicticians of that day wouldn't stand for such blasphemy so they formed an army and led a crusade against the Incredible Hulk's infidels and recaptured the city, ridding it of the filth and cleaning out all that retched human riff-raff. Then they rebuilt it in the name of Superman and everything that is Holy.

Borrowing from their technique, I led my own crusades along with twelve long-haired, bearded hippies who vowed to follow the one true path of inner salvation. We gathered crowds together where we burned Marvel comic books and any album that we deemed to be inspired by the Legion of Doom.

At age 13, I was put away in a boy's mental institution not just because I took my classmates on top of the school so they could learn how to fly from buildings or because I insisted we start class everyday with a prayer to the Martian Manhunter, but also because I had to beat the shit out of this one kid because he refused to believe that we were committed to peace and non-violence.

It was in that institution, that I really began meditating on the things that Batgirl has tried to teach us. I would fast and stay up all hours of the night studying the Flash's wisdom. The doctors there would criticize and insult me, but it didn't matter. I told them this place was nothing compared to the asylum they were going to end up in. People who believe in the DC Truth have always been subject to persecution. This was no different.

I managed to convert three of these doctors and the director, so they let me out before my eighteenth birthday. After rigorous years of study and devotion, I realized that while DC Comics gives us strict guidelines on how we should live and govern the populace, they failed to address how life began. Other comic books like the Holy Bible and the Koran had their theories and we were left with none and I just couldn't buy into the whole Adam and Eve story. It's great at explaining how humans came to be, but it fails to address how the Guardians of Oa or the Thanagarians came into existence. And what about Bizzaro World? Was there an Adam and Eve over there trying to follow the orders of a snake only to be fooled into eating an apple by some invisible, wicked sky entity?

One night at age 19, I went to bed and was awoken by a bright light. The bright light was me dematerializing. I rematerialized aboard what appeared to be a starship. It was there that I first saw Captain Jean Luc Picard and He said unto me, "Ah, yes, Mr. Drinkmo. Welcome aboard the Enterprise".

Now, I had heard about Star Trek and the USS Enterprise, but I had no idea about the wonders it represented.

It was there that I learned about how the Preservers spread their DNA across the galaxy set to evolve in their image.

It was there that I learned of Romulan treachery.

It was there that I learned about the evil Borg Collective.

It was there where was told about future prophets like Captain Benjamin Sisko and Captain Kathryn Janeway.

It was there that I learned about the glory that is Starfleet Command.

And it was there that I was told about the Intergalactic Board of Elders. Three of them were coming to meet with me and I was told that I would know them because they would be bringing presents of DVDs, phaser rifles, and incense.

And so it came to pass, the Elders took over the church and gave me a new title: The Reverend. They then created what we now know as the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets and instructed me to deliver the message. They told me to warn people about the Borg and the Dominion and about what would be their fate if they decided not to take every word from every Star Trek episode as the literal Truth- which cannot be questioned. They ordered me to tell people about the glorious day when the Vulcans will land in Montana. They told me to carry on with my crusade and make sure that Captain James T. Kirk would be honored every morning in the classroom with a prayer.

That is our story. And if you haven't converted to the only faith that is True, then you had better start learning to speak Borg.



Malach the Merciless said...

I think Darkseid would kick the United Federation of Planets to Hell.

Anne Johnson said...

Keep your damned mainstream religion! Indie comics are the Light of the World!

Anonymous said...

Reverend Drinkmo,

Have you ever read the book "I,Q" written by the godlike Q? In the end he seems to imply that the God of Adam and Eve is actually real.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

No, I haven't read that. But thanks for the heads up, it sounds interesting.

I just know that it would be difficult for those of us who have discovered the Truth to worship someone who can't lead a galaxy-class starship into battle with the Borg. Now, if God enlists at Starfleet Academy and becomes an officer in service to the Federation, well, that might be different.

The Academy ain't no piece of cake though- it's a lot more than fighting golden statues like Baal or trying to outdo some puny wimp like Satan.