Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Good evening,

As one of the acting deacons to the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, I regret to inform you that the Reverend High Priest Elvis D. will be absent for a brief period due to incarceration.

The Reverend was apparently found last weekend unconscious and in an expensive motel room with Elektra and the X Men's Emma Frost. Police reports state the room was filled with large cash contributions, illegal narcotics from the Gamma Quadrant, a few Stargate Atlantis DVDs, Legion of Doom tee shirts, and a camcorder. There is also something in there about the High Priest allowing Emma Frost to dress him up like a Borg drone, but there is so much in this report to read, the church lawyers are attempting to skip over the small details and get straight to the legal matters.

We're sure that this is all just a big misunderstanding and we are certain that any jury will find the Reverend innocent of all crimes. So as soon as he is out or we can talk the warden into allowing him internet access, he'll back back at the pulpit telling all of you who walks with Batman and who is going to Arkham.

We appreciate your patience and your generous donations as we struggle through this time of need.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Justice (League) Denied, Time for Plan B

We bring you some bad news today, folks. After being inspired by the movie Jesus Camp. We went out into the mid-west in search of a town or county where we could conduct a church camp for the Justice League of America. We found a place in Kansas that we thought would be suitable and even drew up some plans to request federal funding since the government seems to have eased up on their stand toward funding religious causes.

Well, we took our idea to the county commission and we couldn't believe their total reluctance to give us a plot of land so that we could teach young children the ways of the Bat. They stated that they didn't believe in green power rings, which is fine, by why deny the children the chance to learn about the Truth that has been taught to us by the Guardians of OA. Apparently, these commissioners don't support the troops from the Green Lantern Corps and we hope this is made public before the next election.

They raised objections to our planned use of baterangs and expressed serious concerns about our plans to teach these kids how to jump from twelve story buildings. We assured them that no child would be harmed, provided that they had enough faith in the Justice League, but our pleas fell on deaf ears. Apparently, there more concerned about inflicting a little pain than they are about these young souls being sent to Arkham for not being given a chance to learn the Word of Batgirl.

So now we're reevaluating our plans and have decided that a Starfleet camp might be more suitable for those who aren't prepared for the Martian Manhunter's wisdom.

At Starfleet Camp, kids can learn about how life really began on earth as well as on Vulcan, Andor, Tellar, and Q'onos. The can learn of Vulcan logic, how to mind meld, and how to employ the Vulcan deathgrip. There they can learn about the four quadrants of the galaxy and the various life forms that live in them. They can learn to speak Klingon and fight with bat'leths- casualties would be kept to a minimal.

Hopefully, when we present this new idea to the commission, they won't have us escorted out by police officers and armed guards. But if this plan fails, we will have no choice but to gather our followers and move to some remote place in South Carolina where we can establish a community based upon Federation values and Starfleet mores. We will have no choice but to separate ourselves from the people who refuse to acknowledge that James T. Kirk was Captain of the Eneterprise and Mr. Spock was His first officer.

We hope it doesn't come this, but the Vulcans are going to land Montana in less than fifty years and if we don't prepare ourselves we will never be delivered.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Words on Librul Hollywood Blasphemy

From the AP:

Rome's diocese said Monday it has barred the producers of "Angels & Demons" from filming in two churches for the prequel to the "The Da Vinci Code" the popular book and film that angered many Catholic leaders.

Producers of the film, directed by Ron Howard and starring Tom Hanks, were turned down because the movie "does not conform to our views," said Monsignor Marco Fibbi, a spokesman for the diocese.

The crew had asked to film in the churches of Santa Maria del Popolo and Santa Maria della Vittoria, two architectural jewels in the heart of Rome that include paintings by Caravaggio, sculptures by Bernini and a chapel designed by Raphael.
Permission was denied in 2007, but the issue surfaced only now that filming is ongoing in Rome, Fibbi said. The Sony-produced film was put on hold during the Writers Guild of America strike that ended in February and is now scheduled for release in May 2009.

Fibbi's comments first were reported this week by the Italian entertainment magazine "TV Sorrisi e Canzoni." "It's a film that treats religious issues in a way that contrasts with common religious sentiment," Fibbi told The Associated Press in a telephone interview. "We would be helping them create a work that might well be beautiful but that does not conform to our views."

We congratulate the fans of that comic book called the Holy Bible on their influence.

No one paid any attention to us when Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher refused to respect DC Comics doctrine when they decided to tell lies to our children that the Joker killed Batman's parents and Harvey "Two-Face" Dent killed Robin's. No one cared when we led hunger strikes against the movie studios when they cast Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl making her blond instead of red-haired the way it has been told to us in the scriptures.

But in the end, it is the Batman and the Justice Leaugue of America that they will have to answer to.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Keep Marijuana Illegal

Friends, it's the Reverend Elvis D. here and I like to talk to you about something very serious: Marijuana.

I have seen and heard people talk about decriminalizing this deadly drug which kills millions of people everyday and I ask myself, "have these people gone insane?" Legalize this plant and next thing you know teenagers everywhere will be lying around on their couches, chilling out, and listening to Bob Marley. I can't imagine anything more dangerous for a society.

There are several reasons why these lunatics think this poisonous weed should be allowed.

1) It could be used as an energy source. With oil being as plentiful and cheap as it is now, why the hell would anybody being thinking about alternative fuel sources? Damn.

2) It could be used for things like paper and it is easier to replace than trees. This is a really lame argument, it isn't like we need trees to breath or anything. These people need to get a grip.

3) It has medicinal purposes and can be used to treat chronic pain. I guess Vicoden and Oxycontin ain't good enough for some people anymore. Do you think Batgirl had access to medical marijuana when the Joker shot her in the spine and leaving her crippled? No.

And look, if we decriminalized pot, there wouldn't be as much need to blow our tax dollars on prisons and more cops and in this time of great peril that would be a serious travesty.

It may be an innocent looking plant to average person, but make no mistake; marijuana is the weed with the roots that lead to the Legion of Doom's headquarters.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

How Life Began

My friend, Jennifer from Infinite Sphere has written some good posts about Charles Darwin, the theory of evolution, and some people's resistance to Darwin. Since Jennifer has excepted Batgirl into her heart and enjoys the bliss that comes from knowing Captain Jean Luc Picard's wisdom, we here at the First Church feel we need to cover this topic again.

Charles Darwin was only partially right when he put forth his theory on evolution. We did evolve; that much is clear. What Darwin fails to mention in his papers is that our DNA was programmed to evolve by a dying race of superintelligent aliens who once lived in our galaxy.

Don't believe me? Let us turn then to Star Trek, The Next Generation, 6:20. It is here that we learn of how Captain Picard and the crew of the Enterprise, along with some Klingons, Romulans, and Cardassians discovered a hologram which tells us the story:

You're wondering who we are; why we have done this; how it has come that I stand before you - the image of a being from so long ago. Life evolved on my planet before all others in this part of the galaxy. We left our world, explored the stars and found none like ourselves. Our civilization thrived for ages, but what is the life of one race, compared to the vast stretches of cosmic time?

We knew that one day we would be gone, and nothing of us would survive - so we left you. Our scientists seeded the primordial oceans of many worlds, where life was in its infancy. This body you see before you, which is of course shaped as yours is shaped, for you are the end result. The seed code also contains this message, which was scattered in fragments on many different worlds.

I think the scriptures are pretty plain about this.

And yet our public schools can't bring themselves to teach this wisdom to our children. Instead, people want children to believe that some guy called God dropped Adam down in a garden then yanked one of his ribs out his chest and made Eve. This might adequately explain how humans came to be on earth, but it fails to explain how Andorians ended up on how Andor or Klingons become the dominant species on the Q'onos. Perhaps they want us to believe that this God opened up Adam's chest and began flinging ribs, bones and shit into space to land on all the habitable planets of our galaxy; which would be pretty impressive feat coming from some guy who couldn't even pilot a Galaxy-class starship.

Friends, the answers are out there and they were given to us by the Prophet, Gene Roddenberry, a man who had the decency to launch a one hour weekly program in order to teach all you ungrateful Terran brats the Truth.

Charles Darwin may have half the Truth, but Captain Jean Luc Picard has the whole. You see unlike Darwin, Captain Picard had the privilege of being brought back in time to the beginning of life with Q to witness the first combustion of some DNA which was programmed by the Preservers (Star Trek TNG, 7:25-26).

Compare that to a sunny vacation lying around on the beaches of the Galápagos Islands with some turtles and a couple of pink flamingos.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Tony Blair: "I Want to Unite the World's Religions"

According to an article on this site, former British prime minister, Tony Blair, has set a new goal: uniting the world's religions or, well, three of them.

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair unveiled last Saturday that uniting the world's three largest religions will be his lifetime goal. Blair, who once said that God would be his judge on Iraq, launched a foundation that will work towards the peaceful coexistence of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam.

Although while premier Tony Blair urged British politicians not to perform American-style "chest beating," now he wants religion to play a leading role in the 21st century. At the opening conference of his new foundation, Blair admitted that "Religious faith will be of the same significance to the 21st Century as political ideology was to the 20th Century."

The Tony Blair Faith Foundation was launched on May 30, 2008, in New York City. The invited guests, among who was Former US President Bill Clinton, heard Blair saying that "the world [was] going tumultuous change" and, to address new issues, world leaders would have to discover a set of rules which could guide them in their efforts. According to the former British prime minister, religion is the answer.

And once again the only True faith housed inside the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets was not invited. It would appear that the fans of comic books like the Tao Te Ching, the Dhammapada, and the Upanisads ain't invited neither. He's not even making any appeals to those who follow the teachings of Spiderman and the Fantastic Four. So one has to wonder if Blair's been huffing on plant vapors or just what the deal is.

Furthermore, if Tony Blair has no intentions of bringing Batman to the masses he might as well not even bother. There is only one league and one command that can combat the threats we face today and they can't be found in the Bible or the Koran. They can only be found in DC Comics and the Five Holy Star Trek Shows.

And we also call for unity: unity amongst those of us who understand the will of the Martian Manhunter and the morals taught to us by Captain James T. Kirk. Everyone else can go rot in Arkham or become one with the Borg Collective.

We invite former Prime Minister Tony Blair to join us before it's too late and the Legion of Doom launches their final assault against the U.S. and Great Britain.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Know Your Aliens 2

At the request of my friends, Malach and Juanuhcis (who probably spent her day being flooded in- you're not alone, Juanuhcis, it's coming down our way now.), we are running our second in the "Get to Know Your Neighborhood Aliens" series.

The first alien needs no introduction. This is a Klingon. Klingons are renown fighters and they place honor in battle above everything else. Klingons were Federation enemies in the Star Trek Original Series Testaments, but by the Next Generation these aliens were our allies. The Deep Space Nine scriptures teach us about how Captain Sisko would have never reclaimed the station from the Dominion without the aid of the Klingon Empire.

Our second alien is a Vulcan. Vulcans are founding members of the United Federation of Planets. In case you didn't know, these are the logical aliens who will come down from the sky in 2051 and solve all our problems. The Star Trek scriptures teach us this. So crank up those air conditioners and fire up those humvees because the Vulcans are coming and they will set everything right for those who believe.

Next we have the Tellarites. The Tellarites love to argue and insult people. They also enjoy a good mud bath. They are founding members of the Federation and can also be trusted to do the right thing when push comes to shove.

Lastly, we have the Tholians. They live in tropical climates and are most comfortable in rooms set at temperatures around 480 kelvins (200 degree Celsius). Tholians are extremely xenophobic and don't care much for other aliens snooping around in their space. You should avoid Tholians whenever possible and if you are taking your warp capable vessel for a spin around the Alpha Quadrant, don't tangle with one of their ships or you might get caught in one of their webs made out of pure energy that you aren't likely to escape. On the other hand, the Tholians weave an expensive, fine silk that is just all the rage on many Federation homeworlds.

This concludes are second installment in a series designed to teach all you disenfranchised Terrans about the things you should be learning in school. There will likely be a third part since the Borg have infected me with some kind of nanoprobe that lasts at least three weeks and causes sinus problems, a sore throat, a runny nose, headaches and the general inability to sit up in front of this computer too damn long. I swear to Captain James T. Kirk that they'll do anything to try and prevent me from getting the Truth out to the masses.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Know Your Aliens

This is for my friends Rosie and Ananke because our public schools are too busy teaching children useless subjects like math and science to teach the things that are really important.

To our left is a Bolian. They come from a planet called Bolius which lies within the Alpha Quadrant. Bolians are members of the United Federation of Planets. They have a tonic water which sooths the nerves and make an excellent tomato soup. Few people know this but Samuel L. Jackson has Bolian roots.

Next up are the Andorians. They come from an ice planet called Andoria and are founding members of the United Federation of Planets along with Terrans, Vulcans, Tellarites. Andorians have mean tempers and love to go into battle with their enemies. Like the Bolians, they are blue except they got antennas on top of their heads.

Lastly we have the green-skinned Orions. They are not Federation members and should be avoided at all costs. They are dangerous criminals and ruthless underground smugglers. As noted in the previous thread, the Enterprise scriptures teach us that the "Orion slave girls" are actually the ones who run the Orion Syndicate. The whole "slave" thing is just a cover, so watch out.

This concludes today's lesson on getting to know your neighborhood aliens. We here at the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets are here to serve and to educate. As always, if there is any way we can help, please let us know.