Starfleet Command has hailed the First Church and relayed these ten commandments for you to to follow. If you make any New Year's resolutions, make them these- unless you plan to spend eternity gnashing your teeth as a Borg drone, wired to the collective's high mind.
Even if you foolishly choose not to believe in Starfleet or their five Holy Starfleet Captains, we fail to see how posting these ten simple commandments in every school and courthouse could hurt. I mean this would be just one modest improvement we could implement that would help bring this country back to the Federation values that every decent person holds to be True.
1. Thou shalt have no other commands before Us; for we are a jealous command.
2. Thou shalt not worship graven images that don't in some way resemble Us, your Holy Starfleet Captains, the United Federation of Planets, or allies of the United Federation of Planets.
3. Thou shalt not take Captain Jean Luc Picard's name in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy; for between 1993 and 1999- Saturday was the day that Captain Benjamin Sisko tried to show all you heathens, infidels, and ungrateful Terran brats the way.
5. Honor the Prime Directive as you would the orders handed down by your Holy Starfleet Captains.
6. Thou shalt always keep your phasers on stun without a direct command from Captain James T. Kirk to do otherwise.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless you are vacationing on Risa, come from a Federation world that condones it, or come from a planet aligned with the Federation that condones it.
8. Thou shalt not conspire to aid the Borg or the Dominion or any other enemy of the United Federation of Planets; unless Captain Kathryn Janeway enlists you into a plot to foil strange, new aliens- more dangerous than those listed in these commandments.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor, friendly aliens, neutral aliens, or aliens from a pre-warp society.
10. Thou shalt not covet our photon torpedoes, our phaser banks, our Galaxy-class starships, or our warp drive capabilities.
It has been said. We are your Starfleet Command, the only Command, and these are your orders.
Starfleet, Ten Commandments, Captain Picard, James T. Kirk, Captain Janeway, Benjamin Lafayette Sisko