Sunday, April 6, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 6

Today's sermon is about a comic book hero named Jesus Christ. We gather that these are his first and last names, his middle initial is "H" which stands for Harold or something like that. Whatever it is, it is nowhere near as cool as Tiberius as in Captain James T. Kirk.

When Jesus got into his costume (we assume that's what he did since there ain't no pictures in the graphic novel called the New Testament to tell us for sure), he went by the superhero name of The Messiah. Whether he slid down a pole to get into costume or changed in a phone booth, we just aren't certain.

This hero had all kinds of powers. He could bring back the dead, turn stones into bread and water into wine. The guy could summon spirits and heal lepers. His biggest ally in crime fighting was a hero common to these graphic novels called God or Jehovah.

His arch-enemy was a villain named Satan. It is hard for the DC Comictician to understand these stories. The Messiah appears at one point to have his nemesis cornered in a desert. He could have taken this opportunity to beat Satan's sorry ass and drag him off in handcuffs to face charges before the proper authorities. Instead, he just quit eating and ignored Satan while the guy practically begged for Jesus to open up a can of whoop-ass on him. God could have come down and together they could have reined in this annoying and troublesome villain with supreme fighting skills. But Jesus just fasted and we have no idea where God was. Again, this is difficult for us to comprehend.

Jesus Christ, the Messiah, was later executed by some really ruthless villains called Romans and his version of the Justice League, which was mostly comprised of angels, asked him if he wanted some help taking all these villains out and saving the day by administering the ass kickings these Romans deserved. But the Messiah refused their help. Either he didn't believe in teamwork or he didn't know his utility belt wasn't working. We ain't sure which. What the story does tell us is that he died for our sins, but we don't know whether or not he willing to die for our sinisters as many of Heroes like the Green Arrow did.

And like the Green Arrow, the Messiah came back from the dead and moved a big rock blocking his exit, which is pretty cool. But it would have been even cooler if he had dropped that big rock on supervillian Pontious Pilot and then took him off to a prison or an asylum where he belonged.

Then Jesus walked on some water which is also pretty neat except that he should have had the courtesy to drop below the waves for a few minutes to say hi to Aquaman before he went on to speak with his disciples.

Now let's talk about Jason Todd, the second Robin.

We all know that the scriptures tell us about the first Robin. His name was Dick Grayson and He went on to join the revered Teen Titans as Nightwing. He is still a part of our venerated pantheon of Heroes who demand our daily devotion.

After Master Dick left the Wayne Mansion and the guidance of the Bat to become Nightwing, another Robin emerged, Jason Todd. Now Jason Todd was a street thug until the Batman took him under His wing and trained young Todd to become a crime fighter.

The new Robin kicked ass and took no names, He even convinced the Batman that sometimes lethal force was necessary . If He would have encountered one of His villians in a desert, he would have beat him to bloody pulp and left the bastard to rot right where he dared to challenge the new Dynamic Duo. The only fasting that would have been going on would have been the fast moving of fists in someone's face.

Like the Messiah, Robin was deceived and led into a trap where he was executed by the Joker in a car explosion. The Second Robin had died for our sinisters and the Batman was helpless to seek revenge against that deadly clown because he had just been appointed ambassador to the Ayatollah Khomeni's Iran which granted him diplomatic immunity- plus there was a little intervention on behalf of Superman in His glorious wisdom. So in the end, Batman gave His only begotten second partner to save us all from our sinisters.

He later rose from dead to become the Red Hood and now He is the Red Robin. But rather than saying a few words to his followers and then going on to join the Doobie Brothers or whatever, Red Robin fights crime and keeps us all safe from dastardly villians and twisted criminals. Even though, as Red Hood He had to go up against the third Robin (Tim Drake), the Green Arrow, and even the Batman Himself- we still honor Him and gave praise to His name. It is not for you to decide which heroes are fit for worship- it is up to the Justice League and the leaders of this church who talk to the Martian Manhunter on a daily basis.

So again you see. You can have one guy making sandwiches out of rocks for your enemies and drinking wine with evil scoundrels or you can have the Red Robin out there fighting for Truth and Justice. Well, sort of.



The Film Geek said...

I side with Red Robin. He might turn the other cheek once, maybe. But ask him to do it a second time and there will be hell to pay. Literally.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

No doubt, Film Geek. May Batman Bless You Always.

JDB said...

Maybe the H is just an H, like the S in Harry S Truman. As far as the unsolved mysteries of the guy go, that's fairly far down on the list.

All I know about Red Robin is that he makes some kick ass burgers!

Malach the Merciless said...

JesusMan! is better than Jesus H. WHAT WOLD JESUSMAN! DO?.

Also where does Ambush Bug fit in with your philosophy?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Ambush Bug is an entity of evil and his teachings should be avoided.

While he may not be a card carrying member of the Legion of Doom, he is a villain and the path of all villains is a path to Arkham.

You might be right, JDB maybe the H. is just H. Actually, I didn't know that Harry Truman's middle name was just the initial "s".

We do know that there is no middle name in the name Batman and it is Holy to say His name as many times throughout the day as possible. But never in vain.

Juanuchis said...

I'm with MtM: Jesusman. Oh, yeah.

I can use that on the Bishop this Sunday. Yes.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Cool, Juanuchis. I hope the biship approves. ;)