Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A Conversation with Star Trekiologists

We incepted this program going out on the Interstellar Radio Broadcast Network.

Host: The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets is one of the largest churches in the Alpha Quadrant. Their Reverend High Priest, Elvis Drinkmo, warns the faithful about the rising influence of Marvel Comics in the western part of the quadrant. He also feels that what he refers to as "false doctrine" from Stargate Atlantis could cause a rip in the fabric of the space time continuum.

What the Reverend D., as many of his followers call him, and the church's Elders fail to acknowledge is the rift that is forming within their own religious sect. Revelations about new temples being built in Florida and Michigan has caused an uproar in Sector 001. According to recent reports the Elders and the High Priest are planning to devote these new temples to either Captain Kathryn Janeway or Captain Benjamin Sisko. This has some of their members in a frenzy.

Today, we have invited three Trekiologists to speak with us about these new temples and the future of their faith. One is a local preacher for Captain Sisko, one is a national minister for Captain Janeway, and the other represents a disgruntled rebel faction who supports the relatively unknown Commodore Decker. They have asked to remain anonymous for fear of possible persecution and retaliation by their authoritarian church leaders.

Interviewer: Thank you for joining us.

Three participants: Thank you.

Interviewer: First off, why do you feel that your favorite captains should be honored in Florida and Michigan at the expense of the others?

Sisko Supporter: Well, T'aKrjit, we all know about Captain Sisko's heroic efforts during the Dominion War and how he united a major part of the Alpha Quadrant against the shape-shifters, the Vorta, and their twisted Jem'Hadar fighting machines. Amongst all the venerable Starfleet Captains, he alone is a great uniter and in this era of hostile aliens and malevolent entities we need someone who unite the rational humanoids so that we may stand like a beacon for all lifeforms to admire.

Janeway Supporter: What this sexist, egotistical, elitist pig neglects to mention is that Captain Kathryn Janeway has far more experience dealing with alien relations than the Great Saint, Benjamin Sisko. She has visited many war torn areas of the galaxy and helped bring about peace on many worlds. She has been actively involved in many peace processes that brought prosperity to planets that had only known war and poverty. If I'm not mistaken, Saint Sisko sat behind a desk pushing pencils for a good part of the Dominion War. When he wasn't busy having neutral Romulan Ambassadors assassinated, that is.

Sisko Supporter: That's totally out of bounds.

Janeway Supporter: Is it?

Sisko Supporter: Yes, it is. Sisko led many fights against Dominion fleets and managed to retake Deep Space Nine for the Federation.

Janeway Supporter: Oh sure, a few months after he lost it to the Dominion. And your accounts aren't totally accurate. If I remember right, Saint Sisko sent his highest ranking female officer, Jadzia Dax, out to do most of the fighting. Thus showing, once again, that he would throw all women under the warp core to suit his purpose.

Interviewer: Any comment from our third party guest?

Decker Supporter: Yes. What the hell am I even doing here? Sisko, Janeway, and all the other Starfleet Captains are total corporate sell-outs just like this network. You refuse to give us the time and attention we deserve to promote the one man who gave his life for the Federation and that man is Commodore Decker.

Sisko Supporter: Who's Commodore Decker?

Janeway Supporter: I don't know.

Decker Supporter: Exactly. He's the only Starfleet officer worthy of these new temples. Yet he gets zero coverage and isn't even allowed to be introduced for new temples. He gets nothing from this network and nothing from the church leaders. It is a disgrace and we're tired of it.

Interviewer: OK, let's get back to the subject at hand. Janeway Supporter, you mentioned your captain's involvement in various alien conflicts. Could you elaborate?

Janeway Supporter: Well, we all know that Captain Janeway single handedly led the USS Voyager into Borg space and rescued various alien planets from imminent assimilation and destruction ducking phaser fire from the Collective's cubes and putting her own life in grave danger. This is the kind of bold action we expect from our captains.

Sisko Supporter: No, that's not true. Janeway didn't have to duck and run from the Borg. She formed a shady alliance with them under safe and heavy guard just to save her own ass and get her crew home faster.

Interviewer: I believe that is how that happened though I wouldn't have put it quite like that. We have footage from those episodes where Janeway is negotiating with future crew member Seven of Nine for safe passage through Borg space.

Janeway Supporter: I'm sorry. I must have misspoke. Captain Janeway did enter Borg space, but the conditions might not have been as dangerous as you interpreted my words to mean.

Sisko Supporter: Yeah, and how many worlds were forced into the Collective after she sided with the Borg?

Janeway Supporter: F**k you, you g*d*mn elitist pig! I suppose your Great Saint from Deep Space Nine would have done better. He would have thrown everybody under the warp core.

Sisko Supporter: Well, at least he wouldn't have made all the "lesser" aliens sit in the back of the starship, Whitey. Your racism knows no bounds, does it? Face it, you don't like Captain Sisko because he believes that all aliens are equal. Unlike your politically entrenched Janeway who switches sides so many times it's hard to tell who she'll fight next.

Janeway Supporter: Oh right. Did you pick all that up from one of those sexist Ferangi pigs that your captain loves so much.

Decker Supporter: I really don't see any difference between you or your captains or any difference between you or your captains and the Borg for that matter.

Janeway Supporter: Oh, go f**k yourself, spoiler.

Sisko Supporter: Go fly into a protostar and take your f**kin' dumbass commodore with you.

Interviewer: Wait, wait, wait. Let's calm down.

To the Sisko Supporter, it does appear that the high priest of your faith favors building more temples for Captain Sisko. The Reverend Elvis D. has called for violence against nonbelievers numerous times and has even said that the United States is a damned country, infested with Borg drones and shape-shifters. Do you support his claims or will you try to distance yourself from his candid remarks?

Sisko Supporter: The Reverend is a good man and I think a lot of his words have been misinterpreted. He is the leader of our faith and we don't always have to agree with those sermons. In fact, we do object to some of his inflammatory rhetoric and we do not condone his words all the time or some of the time. But we're in church everyday, but that doesn't necessarily make us hypocrites. Even though we're always there, we're not necessarily agreeing with everything. Uh, my own grandmother read Marvel Comics and she was watching Stargate Atlantis before she died. So you see, we're not entirely convinced that everything the High Priest says is good for America.

Janeway Supporter: Talk about twisting the facts! You follow every word of the Reverend D. to the letter. The followers of Captain Janeway think it's high time we break away from the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. We'll support this Commodore Decker guy before we'll get behind that sneaky divider, Benjamin Sisko, and we will not stand by while more temples are built in his name in Florida and Michigan.

Sisko Supporter: The same goes for us. The people have made it clear that they want these temples built in honor of Benjamin Sisko in the two states mentioned. If the leaders of our church don't follow the will of the people, we will throw all our Star Trek DVDs in the trash and start watching Anime or something. We will support the Dominion before we'll support Janeway.

Interviewer: So it appears that the new temples may be built for Commodore Decker. Perhaps Borg assimilation centers will be built all over the country instead.

Host: Well, our times up. Thank you all for this enlightening conversation. Tune in next week when we will talk with some former members of the Orion Syndicate living in a multi-planetary witness protection program.

Thanks for listening to the Interstellar Radio Broadcast Network and good night to our listeners across all four quadrants of the Milky Way Galaxy.


Malach the Merciless said...

I am confused, where does Darkseid it in?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

he might be behind it all, Malach.

Rosie said...

Well, at least he wouldn't have made all the "lesser" aliens sit in the back of the starship, Whitey.

Snort! Not sure we want these infidels crossing over to Anime.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Indeed, Rosie, infidels are not a desirable bunch.

Juanuchis said...

This is perhaps one of the most cogent political commentaries I've encountered yet.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Thanks, Juanuchis.

I should reiterate that we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets do not side solely with any one of our Holy Starfleet Captains, Commanders, Commodores, Lieutenants, or Ensigns. We are committed to defeating the Dominion and the Borg and that is all we wish for the future.