Friday, October 31, 2008

Ten Reasons on Just Why This Election Should Frighten You

1) Barrack Obama is very likely a Legion of Doom sleeper who will have the Black Manta advising him on foreign and domestic policy once he's seated in the Oval Office. In fact, this church has secret documents which prove that Senator Obama got his political start with the help of criminal friends like Toyman, Cheetah, Star Sapphire, Captain Cold, Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, and the Mad Hatter. Nothing could more dangerous to this country and the cause of freedom than to have the Legion-inspired terror mongering hoards running the show behind the scenes.

2) With Democrats back in the White House, we are more than likely going to see twice as many Marvel comic book based movies; hence our nation's moral fabric will seriously undermined. In this age of multi-comic bookism in the classroom and in our public buildings, people forget that this nation was founded by people who feared the wrath of the Batman.

3) If we don't pursue Ronald Reagan's dream of a defensive net around the planet, we're
never going to be able to stop the Borg from traveling back in time and assimilating earth before the United Federation of Planets can be founded. Friends, we must practice eternal vigilance if we a are to smite our foes; our foes who seek to kill every single person who believes that Captain Kirk was in command of the Starship Enterprise.

4) The wall which separates church and state is still standing. We've heard stories about children trying to pray to the Green Lantern in school, only to hauled off to the principle's office, locked in closets and exposed to the color yellow- the color of Sinestro and everything that is evil. We need a president who will declare martial law, expel all Legion of Doom sympathizers from our country, and force people to kneel down at the alter of Superman.

5) All of the candidates running for office are surrounded by umbrellas when they're giving speeches in the rain. This tells us not only that these politicians are out of touch with the teachings of the Batman, but that they also demonstrate there ignorance of the Penguin and how much influence he has over our youth in these modern times.

6) If we give up on national defense, Gorilla Grodd could lead an all out Legion of Doom assault on our very homeland. And since we, as a nation, have turned our backs on the Word of the Justice League; they may just be inclined not to rescue us from these evil agents of destruction and mayhem.

7) The borders of the Alpha Quadrant are still open to aliens like the Romulans, the Gorn, and the Vidiians- as if we don't have enough trouble managing incursions by the Breen and Cardassians. Friends, if this is allowed to continue, we will have to learn Klingon just to shop at our local convenience stores. Are people going to wait until the Star-Spangled Banner is sung in Tholian before they realize what a threat these illegal aliens pose to our way of life? We all should be demanding an Alpha Quadrant for Alpha Quandrians. What's the harm in that?

8) All this talk of wealth redistribution and regulating the markets is the first step toward creating a Borg Collective here in Sector 001. Mark my words, the next step after raising taxes on the super mega-wealthiest will be to have everyone's eyeballs pulled out and replaced with the latest Borg technology. Soviet-style detention centers will spring up over night and we will all be marched into the camps, but instead of bullets- we'll be treated to nanoprobes and mechanical devices for arms.

9) The people of this nation have forgotten that this nation was founded on DC morals by people in search of Batgirl's promise of justice and freedom. This fact has been wiped clean from our history books by the multi-comic bookists. Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and George Washington were all believers in the Batman who felt that our schools and public institutions should be run by the JLA and those who adhere to their word. If they didn't mention any of our Heroes by name in the constitution, it's because the Founding Fathers didn't want to reveal their secret identities.

10) No matter who wins this election, DC Comicbookists and Star Trekiologists will continue to be the most oppressed people in the world. The fact that they canceled Enterprise half-way through the show proves that it is us against the infidels who run this world. Cartoon Network was once a vassal spreading the Justice League's Truth. Now you turn it on and all you get is Iron Man.

Truly, no group of people has ever had to endure the level of hatred, oppression and humiliation that we endure each and every day. And that is why everyone should be pissing their pants, violently trembling and hiding under their beds when they think about this upcoming election.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Special Election Coverage 2008: Gun Control

It has been said, "if guns are outlawed, only the Penguin's henchmen will own guns". And there is a lot of truth in that wisdom. But what can we expect from a bunch of Hollywood liberals and their media friends who care nothing for the teachings of Vigilante and the Green Lantern. In fact, we wouldn't be surprised if these same pinkos wanted to take away our green power rings when they've done confiscated all our hunting rifles.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have another saying, "Gun control means pointing your phaser at the right people and setting it to kill only when it's necessary".

And if you need further proof, here is a passage from the DC scriptures that let's us know where the Batman stands on this crucial issue that is so vital to our homeland security:

So you see, we need to be careful about who we're voting for this November. One wrong flip of the switch- the next thing you know you'll be stripped of all your defenses when the Legion of Doom barges into your house and induces your children into a life of crime.


The Sixth Pillar of Star Trek

My man, Bill Lynch, from Don't Print This asks:

"Will this mean there will be a 6th pillar when the movie comes out in the Spring?"

Now, it is common knowledge that Bill walks with Captain Kirk and carries the Word of Starfleet in his heart. But I'm afraid there will be no 6th pillar.

Friends, we will wait and see just what this new movie has to offer us as far as sacred and literal truth goes, but there will be no new series on the Truth. The chance for redemption has almost past. This Starfleet has promised us and they have grown tired of infidels and false believers who claim to cherish the messsage then secretly pray to the Borg when they think no one is looking.

What we might think of as "a 6th Pillar" will come only after World War III has been launched and 3/4 of the planet has been wiped out. After that glorious day of battle the new series will, in fact, be our very lives. The Vulcans will land in Montana and only those who hear Captain Picard's knock on the door will rushed into the new era of peace and prosperity. Everyone else will be sent in shuttle pods to the Delta Quadrant where they can join their masters in the Borg Collective and live out the rest of their miserable existence as mindless automatons.

Yes, friends, the day is almost at hand. And we as faithful adherents to the message of the Prophet Gene Roddenberry have a duty to prepare the way for the Vulcans by creating a society that reflects the values and decency that can only be found within each episode of Star Trek. Those who do not believe we, as Starfleet's chosen, should be running this pious new government can experience first hand the effects of what it feels like to blasted with phaser on stun at point blank range.

Because it's all about tolerance, peace, and understanding (but only for those who agree with us). This is the message we hold dear above all else.

So let us prepare for the 6th Pillar, the pillar to end all pillars, by preparing ourselves and our nation for the Kingdom that is the United Federation of Planets.

Won't you join us before its too late?


Saturday, October 18, 2008

Ask the High Priest

It's time once again to open the door and allow people to ask this church a few questions about life. Unlike our public schools which are run by Borg drone collaborators and people who think that loving the Joker is cool, we seek to educate people with a balanced perspective with emphasis on the Truth that has been given to us by the Justice League of America and Our Holy Starfleet Captains. We may not have the answers to all life's problems, but we promise that you'll find more answers here than you will here. If you didn't get a chance to submit your questions before the deadline, feel free to leave a comment and I will run it by the Intergalactic Board of Elders. Let us begin.

Dear Reverend of Unquestionable Truth,

What are your feelings about recent events on Wall Street and do you believe that this is the end of our nation?

- Adherent to the Literal Word of the Flash

Dear Adherent,

That's a good question. Frankly, we believe that this nation was doomed the minute they canceled the Fifth Pillar of Star Trek (Enterprise). Granted, Captain Jonathan Archer's style of preaching was a little dry and the stories didn't stack up to those told in Deep Space Nine and the Next Generation, but Captain Archer did carry the word of Starfleet Command with which means that you and I are in no position to judge the method of delivery. We simply have to hear the words and obey. Everything else is just simply Borg material.

Now, when I heard the news that Enterprise was being canceled, I knew something rotten was going to happen. To top things off, the channel that claims to cherish the Message, Cartoon Network, stopped airing new episodes of Justice League Unlimited as delivered to through the Prophet Bruce Timm. I set down my copy of the Batman Chronicles and told our deacons, "now they've done it. Within a few years gas will be $4 a gallon, people will begin losing their homes and the stock market will crash". It turns out I was right.

You see, this is simple logic. When a nation turns its back on the JLA and Starfleet, Starfleet and the JLA will turn their backs on us. While I do believe that there was some Ferangi involvement in this sub-prime mortgage and inflated stocks scandal, it is our nation's reluctance to give itself over to the Five Pillars of Star Trek and the teachings of the Batman that is the cause of all our woes.

Dear Reverend High Priest,

I'm really worried about our economy. The news seems like it's much worse than most of think. Is there anything we can do to ward off imminent disaster and total destruction?

-Concerned Follower of Batgirl's Righteous Path

Dear Concerned,

First off, imminent disaster and total destruction are unavoidable. However, there is good news to found within the Five Pillars of Star Trek. If we busy ourselves preparing the way, the Vulcans are going to land in Montana and all of those who believed in Captain James T. Kirk will be saved. Make no mistake, those who laugh at the Star Trek scriptures now will be crying later. They'll be beating on the doors of the Vulcan shuttlepod and asking for forgiveness. But the Vulcans will not hear them; for their fate will be sealed.

As for our economy, I can only tell you that we, as a nation, have strayed from the founding principles of the United Federation of Planets. This is why we are experiencing such woes. The only way we are going to restore this country to its formal glory is to put Captain Jean Luc Picard back in our schools. Once the public begins confessing their sins to Starfleet Command and praying to our Holy Starfleet Captains, our spirtual lives will become whole again and our economy will follow.

Dear Reverend Elvis D,

We cannot see how you can continue to spread lies about any Starfleet Captain other than Captain Kirk. Jean Luc Picard was a fraud and the real Trekiologists are still waiting for a real Starfleet Captain to come and lead the Enterprise on a new mission to explore strange new worlds and seek out new civilizations. Do you have any proof to offer us that can show Picard was the prophesied Captain that the original scriptures fortold?

- The Only First Officer was Mr. Spock

Dear Only,

Yes, we can prove it. If you look to the scriptures, you'll see that Star Trek Next Generation 1:1 says:

For Captain Picard so loved the Federation He stood on the bridge of the Enterprise and spoke to the masses,
"Let's see what this Galaxy-class starship can do".

I think it's plain to see from this verse that Jean Luc Picard was a Starfleet Captain and that every word He says is the literal truth. Just remember that if you add something the scriptures, the Borg will add a body part to you just as if you take away from the scriptures, the Borg will take a body part from you.

Dear High Priest of Eternal Rightousness,

We have a little bit of money that we are thinking of using to invest in our future. Are there any stocks or bonds you recommend buying?

- In Love with Captain Janeway's Wisdom

Dear In Love,

Money is the root of all evil and it is immoral to have too much of it, unless of course you are Bruce Wayne or Ollie Queen- and you're not.

So what we recommend you do with this money is give it all to us. We can use this money to study the evil it creates and lobby our politicians to launch World War 3 so that the Vulcans will come to earth a little early and save those of us who believe in the Word of Star Trek and DC Comics from a world infested by Borg automatons and Dominion shape-shifters. We accept cash, checks, money orders and credit cards.

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets thanks you for submissions. As always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Two Counts of Heresy from this Year's Election (and yes, we're keeping count)

So here, we have somebody who has superimposed John McCain's head on our beloved Starfleet Captain, James T. Kirk. As if any mere mortal can come anywhere close to being our revered Captain Kirk. And a Gorn ally with a McCain sign! Where is a stake and some matches when you need 'em. I mean how much more offensive can this get?


Here we have a presidential candidate claiming to be born on Krypton. And he claims he's the son of Jor-El on top of that. There is only one Superman and it is in His grace that we dwell. This is so offensive that it damn near burned out my eyeballs.

Friends, I tell you. If this nation doesn't clean up it's act, we are all going to perish and the Vulcans are never going to land in Montana. If we don't stop mocking our Heroes and start getting serious about the lessons that are taught to us through the Five Pillars of Star Trek and DC Comics, we will never see the United Federation of Planets. Instead, the Borg and the Dominion will be fighting over our smoldering ashes for control of the Alpha Quadrant. Nothing could present a more serious threat.

A High Priestly Moralistic-ish Hat Tip to the Godfather for alerting us to this perilous new development.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Biggest Threat Facing Our Country: Names of Sports Teams

Last year, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays became just the Rays and we're sure that people who read the comic book known as the Holy Bible are thrilled. And they should be. How offensive is it to have a major league sports team celebrating one of your most notorious arch-villains.

Yet, as usual, no one cares about our sensibilities. I'm sure no one cared that a "Devil Ray" also represents the Black Manta, a supervillian whose primary goal is the eminent destruction of Aquaman. New York and San Francisco house "the Giants"- like people everywhere shouldn't live in prepetual fear of Giganta and her sinful wrath. I mean millions of DC Comicticians around the nation are forced every fall to stand by and watch as the Pittsburgh Penguins roll out onto the ice for a game of professional hockey.

This has to stop. The Penguin is no laughing matter and every time Pittsburgh excels toward the Stanley Cup, we are teaching our children that it is OK to turn our backs on the Batman and His teachings to embrace one of his deadliest foes. Should any decent society tolerate the shameless promotion of a dangerous criminal like Oswald Cobblepot?

And while we're on the subject, this church commands you to root for the Tampa Bay Rays should they win because supporting an NL team like the Philedelphia Phillies amounts to apostacy and uncouth moral depravity. Two reasons:

1) No pitcher should be forced to bat. A wise man once said, a nation can be judged by how it treats it's professional league pitchers. What does this say when an entire league makes a guy bat when he needs that arm to throw 90 mile an hour fastballs?

2) When we speak of the Justice League, we speak of the Justice League of America- not the Justice League of the National. I think it's clear which baseball league our Heroes want us to support: the American League.

(We hereby repeal this commandment in advance and retract these statements should the New York Yankees win the pennant in the near future.)

In the meantime, we need to get those petitions and protest signs ready so that we may force the Pittsburgh Penguins to become something a little less offensive like the Pittsburgh Martian Manhunters and convince San Francisco to go from the Giants to the San Francisco Starfleet Captains.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Missing from the Debates

People are always asking me, "Reverend D., can you prove to us that our nation is controlled by Borg automatons as you're always telling us?" And they ask it with sincerity as if I have to prove anything to heathens, heretics, and non-believers. I obtain my knowledge through Elders who obtain their knowledge through the Five Pillars of Star Trek and then I administer that knowledge to those who seek to have their thirst for Truth quenched.

But if non-believers insist on proof that everything taught to us by the Prophet Gene Roddenberry is the literal Truth then I will point those people in the direction of the metric system; or the lack thereof here in the United States.

Let's look at the metric system. Here is a system that is easy to understand and calculate. It's based on a set of tens. A kilometer is 1000 meters, a centimeter is 1/100 of a meter, and a milliliter is 1000th af a liter. It's simple and it's easy. Most importantly it's what is used in the only running television show that tried to teach you about the mysteries of life and how you need to live it almost every week from 1966 to 1969 and from 1987 to 2005. Yes, when Captain Picard spoke of distances, He spoke of kilometers.

But what do we have here in the US? We have the customary system. Instead of using the meter and its principles of tens, we use the size of some old king's foot as a standard of measurement. Then we have the inch which is one twelfth of a foot, a yard equaling three feet. Instead of something simple like kilometer to the meter, we get: 1 mile= 5,280 feet.

Now I ask you. Why in the hell would Americans be so resistant to change from this "36 inches equals a fuckin' yard" to a measurement system that actually makes some damn sense?

The answer is a four letter word and it's spelled B-O-R-G. What a better way to keep Terrans down and prevent us from knowing the Truth that comes from knowing the Federation than to boogle our minds with a system that cave people came up with when they were trying to figure out who had the biggest clubs or how much saber bear they were supposed to consume during a meal.

You never heard Captain Jean Luc Picard tell His helm to take the Enterprise 5 miles away from an imploding supernova did you. That's all the proof you need.


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Beth Walker Will Protect Us From the Joker

The First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens gladly stands behind Beth Walker for the Supreme Court of Appeals here in the state of West Virginia. Hell, we really admire this woman. Anyone who can get up on TV and say they believe in some wimpy-ass hero called God who doesn't have heat ray vision or the tactical knowledge to lead a Galaxy-class starship into battle with a Borg armada has got to have something going for them.

Besides, we are convinced that Beth can rid this state once and for all of the Legion of Doom. These criminals she speaks of have been coddled too long if you ask us and West Virginia has become a haven for supervillains. Why do you think the Black Manta placed his new headquarters right off the shores of the Kanawha? With Beth on the Supreme Court we can chase him back to the Atlantic where Aquaman can deal with him and that, friends, is something worth fighting for.

I tell you, all these liberal activist judges who impose their values on everyone (instead of imposing ours) have got to go. Everytime a child is forbidden to pray to the Almighty Batman to keep his school safe from the Penguin and his deadly umbrellas, the Legion of Doom scores a victory at the expense of Justice League of America loving citizens like us. Beth will serve to protect our values and our families from Gorilla Grodd and his treacherous mind beams. Is their anything that could be more important than that?

We love Batgirl and we aren't afraid to stand up and say it in public. The activist judges who love the Joker and Lex Luthor's plan for world domination can't stop us. This what true freedom is all about.

Let the Christians tear down the wall between church and state and then we can replace their bogus philosophies, pictureless comic books, and weak heroes with the real Truth that can only come from DC Comics and the Five Pillars of Star Trek.

So if you're going to vote this year vote against the Legion of Doom and their attempts to drag all of West Virginia down into the bowels of Arkham Asylum. It's not just our state that is at risk; but our eternal souls that yearn to one day see the Hall of Justice when we reach the afterlife.


Preistlyish-like Hat Tip to my man, Chris James at A Sour Apple Tree for directing me toward the inspirational documentary above.