Monday, October 27, 2008

The Sixth Pillar of Star Trek

My man, Bill Lynch, from Don't Print This asks:

"Will this mean there will be a 6th pillar when the movie comes out in the Spring?"

Now, it is common knowledge that Bill walks with Captain Kirk and carries the Word of Starfleet in his heart. But I'm afraid there will be no 6th pillar.

Friends, we will wait and see just what this new movie has to offer us as far as sacred and literal truth goes, but there will be no new series on the Truth. The chance for redemption has almost past. This Starfleet has promised us and they have grown tired of infidels and false believers who claim to cherish the messsage then secretly pray to the Borg when they think no one is looking.

What we might think of as "a 6th Pillar" will come only after World War III has been launched and 3/4 of the planet has been wiped out. After that glorious day of battle the new series will, in fact, be our very lives. The Vulcans will land in Montana and only those who hear Captain Picard's knock on the door will rushed into the new era of peace and prosperity. Everyone else will be sent in shuttle pods to the Delta Quadrant where they can join their masters in the Borg Collective and live out the rest of their miserable existence as mindless automatons.

Yes, friends, the day is almost at hand. And we as faithful adherents to the message of the Prophet Gene Roddenberry have a duty to prepare the way for the Vulcans by creating a society that reflects the values and decency that can only be found within each episode of Star Trek. Those who do not believe we, as Starfleet's chosen, should be running this pious new government can experience first hand the effects of what it feels like to blasted with phaser on stun at point blank range.

Because it's all about tolerance, peace, and understanding (but only for those who agree with us). This is the message we hold dear above all else.

So let us prepare for the 6th Pillar, the pillar to end all pillars, by preparing ourselves and our nation for the Kingdom that is the United Federation of Planets.

Won't you join us before its too late?



Malach the Merciless said...

I think I already read all this in Revelations!

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Sorry, Malach. Two major differences: 1) Revelations was based on some stories that someone made up whereas Star Trek offers us the Truth. 2) Revelations talks about sissy villains like Satan and the Anti-Christ, whereas our church promotes the fear of serious villains like Toyman and Captain Cold.