Ask the High Priest

It's time once again to open the door and allow people to ask this church a few questions about life. Unlike our public schools which are run by Borg drone collaborators and people who think that loving the Joker is cool, we seek to educate people with a balanced perspective with emphasis on the Truth that has been given to us by the Justice League of America and Our Holy Starfleet Captains. We may not have the answers to all life's problems, but we promise that you'll find more answers here than you will here. If you didn't get a chance to submit your questions before the deadline, feel free to leave a comment and I will run it by the Intergalactic Board of Elders. Let us begin.

Dear Reverend of Unquestionable Truth,

What are your feelings about recent events on Wall Street and do you believe that this is the end of our nation?

- Adherent to the Literal Word of the Flash

Dear Adherent,

That's a good question. Frankly, we believe that this nation was doomed the minute they canceled the Fifth Pillar of Star Trek (Enterprise). Granted, Captain Jonathan Archer's style of preaching was a little dry and the stories didn't stack up to those told in Deep Space Nine and the Next Generation, but Captain Archer did carry the word of Starfleet Command with which means that you and I are in no position to judge the method of delivery. We simply have to hear the words and obey. Everything else is just simply Borg material.

Now, when I heard the news that Enterprise was being canceled, I knew something rotten was going to happen. To top things off, the channel that claims to cherish the Message, Cartoon Network, stopped airing new episodes of Justice League Unlimited as delivered to through the Prophet Bruce Timm. I set down my copy of the Batman Chronicles and told our deacons, "now they've done it. Within a few years gas will be $4 a gallon, people will begin losing their homes and the stock market will crash". It turns out I was right.

You see, this is simple logic. When a nation turns its back on the JLA and Starfleet, Starfleet and the JLA will turn their backs on us. While I do believe that there was some Ferangi involvement in this sub-prime mortgage and inflated stocks scandal, it is our nation's reluctance to give itself over to the Five Pillars of Star Trek and the teachings of the Batman that is the cause of all our woes.

Dear Reverend High Priest,

I'm really worried about our economy. The news seems like it's much worse than most of think. Is there anything we can do to ward off imminent disaster and total destruction?

-Concerned Follower of Batgirl's Righteous Path

Dear Concerned,

First off, imminent disaster and total destruction are unavoidable. However, there is good news to found within the Five Pillars of Star Trek. If we busy ourselves preparing the way, the Vulcans are going to land in Montana and all of those who believed in Captain James T. Kirk will be saved. Make no mistake, those who laugh at the Star Trek scriptures now will be crying later. They'll be beating on the doors of the Vulcan shuttlepod and asking for forgiveness. But the Vulcans will not hear them; for their fate will be sealed.

As for our economy, I can only tell you that we, as a nation, have strayed from the founding principles of the United Federation of Planets. This is why we are experiencing such woes. The only way we are going to restore this country to its formal glory is to put Captain Jean Luc Picard back in our schools. Once the public begins confessing their sins to Starfleet Command and praying to our Holy Starfleet Captains, our spirtual lives will become whole again and our economy will follow.


Dear Reverend Elvis D,

We cannot see how you can continue to spread lies about any Starfleet Captain other than Captain Kirk. Jean Luc Picard was a fraud and the real Trekiologists are still waiting for a real Starfleet Captain to come and lead the Enterprise on a new mission to explore strange new worlds and seek out new civilizations. Do you have any proof to offer us that can show Picard was the prophesied Captain that the original scriptures fortold?

- The Only First Officer was Mr. Spock

Dear Only,

Yes, we can prove it. If you look to the scriptures, you'll see that Star Trek Next Generation 1:1 says:

For Captain Picard so loved the Federation He stood on the bridge of the Enterprise and spoke to the masses, "Let's see what this Galaxy-class starship can do".

I think it's plain to see from this verse that Jean Luc Picard was a Starfleet Captain and that every word He says is the literal truth. Just remember that if you add something the scriptures, the Borg will add a body part to you just as if you take away from the scriptures, the Borg will take a body part from you.

Dear High Priest of Eternal Rightousness,

We have a little bit of money that we are thinking of using to invest in our future. Are there any stocks or bonds you recommend buying?

- In Love with Captain Janeway's Wisdom

Dear In Love,

Money is the root of all evil and it is immoral to have too much of it, unless of course you are Bruce Wayne or Ollie Queen- and you're not.

So what we recommend you do with this money is give it all to us. We can use this money to study the evil it creates and lobby our politicians to launch World War 3 so that the Vulcans will come to earth a little early and save those of us who believe in the Word of Star Trek and DC Comics from a world infested by Borg automatons and Dominion shape-shifters. We accept cash, checks, money orders and credit cards.


The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets thanks you for submissions. As always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.