Wednesday, February 27, 2008

General Zod Announces His Candidacy

Holy Batgirl, a blogger after my own heart.

Uh, I mean.... this is an outrage! General Zod for president. I realize that this is a nation full of Legion of Doom supporters who are too busy reading Marvel Comics to look around and see the havoc that the Joker is reeking upon our everyday lives, but I cannot believe that people everywhere would be rallying around a general who was banished to the Phantom Zone by Jor-El for crimes against Kryptonians.

Then again, perhaps it's not that hard to believe. Just hang the word Democrat around his neck and I guarantee you that every coffee house and college campus in America will be emptied out and the streets from New York to Los Angeles will be full of people holding up "Zod for President" signs.

Hat Tip to Ananke from Confused and Amused for informing the church of this deadly new development. For her soul cannot falter and her heart is filled with the Justice League's love.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Green Lantern's Light


I know that many of sit down to every meal and give thanks to the Green Lantern for keeping us safe from Star Sapphire and Sinestro. We're more fortunate than other comic book fans- there's only one Jesus Christ, one Buddha, and one Mohammad, but there are four Almighty Green Lanterns to whom we can offer our devotion and our praise (well, actually, five if you count Alan Scott). This further proves that our faith is the real faith while the others are left with a bunch old texts that don't even have any pictures of ass whipping and mayhem to illustrate what they were trying to say.

But, friends, we'd like to ask you: how many of you really take the time out of our busy day to sit and think about the Green Lantern and everything that Hal Jordon, John Stewart, Guy Garner, and Kyle Rainer have done for our lives?

Let's turn to the DC scriptures, shall we:

In brightest day,
In darkest night,
No evil shall escape my sight.

Let those who worship evils might,
Beware my power,
The Green Lantern's light.

This is what the troops from the Green Lantern Corps recite every time they power up their rings. But do you recite this passage when you're in need of spiritual healing or do you just take for granted that the Green Lantern will create a giant cat from his power ring to defend from a giant mouse when it attacks?

Open your ears and listen to what the scriptures are trying to tell you:

In brightest day and darkest night, the Green Lantern will be there to save you if just devote yourselves to His wisdom. Those who worship the Legion of Doom (aka the media, Hollywood, the music industry, MTV, liberal activist judges, the White House, the Supreme Court, congress, school boards, teachers, Governor Manchin, and the West Virginia State Legislature) should beware. They may have evils might, but they will all fall before the Green Lantern's light when the "Day of the Legion" arrives like a jewelry thief in the middle of the night.

There's very little room for interpretation here. There are those who have accepted the Green Lantern into their hearts- they will one day see the Hall of Justice and there are those who haven't- they will be dragged off to Arkham Asylum in straight jackets.

Which destiny have you chosen to follow?


Monday, February 25, 2008

The Next Senator of West Virginia

West Virginians are so worked up over who is going to win the next presidential election, they seem to forget that we have our own elections going on right here in our own state.

In 2008, it is very likely that the next governor will be choosing someone to replace Senator Robert C. Byrd bein' as that the good senator is up there in age and all.

It seems likely that while the people on the left side of our state are joining the rest of the nation in bashing each other over the head because they like Hillary or Obama and the people on the right will be staying home because there's no candidate out there defending the rights of the fetus (until it's born), Joe Manchin will slide right back onto his governor's thrown.

Well, the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets has the inside scoop on who Governor Manchin may be selecting to replace Byrd in the event of his untimely demise.

Here they are:

Sinestro, the Black Manta, Lex Luthor, and Gorilla Grodd. The sad thing is these guys are better than some the other choices- including the big one that might come immediately to the minds of West Virginians who happen to be paying attention.

You heard it here first, folks.

Aliens- Stealing Our Jobs, Destroying Our Way of Life

I'm going to say this because somebody has to. I'm scared for our future. I'm scared at the prospect of illegal aliens crossing the borders which separate the Alpha Quadrant from the Beta, Gamma, and Delta Quadrants. If this is allowed to continue, none of us will have jobs and Terrans everywhere will be forced to learn Klingon, Borg, Romulan, and Dominionese.

So who are these aliens that are migrating to the Quadrant of the Free everyday looking for handouts and seeking to destroy our very way of life? Well, let's cover a few of the more dangerous ones.

The Klingons- Sure, they will become Federation allies in the 24th century, but don't let that fool you- we can be their friends so long as they stay within the Qo'nos sphere of influence; meaning the Beta Quadrant. These aliens put a lot of stock in pride and honor. So when they come to this land in search of those dream jobs that everyone wants, like picking fruit for a dollar fifty an hour, they will require no paychecks at all. Klingon warriors need only be convinced that rapid production for nothing is a matter of honor and their pay will be satisfied.

The Founders (aka Shape Shifters, aka Changlings)- the rulers of the Dominion. These beings from the Gamma Quadrant can assume any shape or form they so desire. They can become you and go to work for you- which wouldn't be all bad except that they can also cash your paycheck on Friday. Clearly, this is a threat at the highest levels.

The Borg Collective- these drones from the Delta Quadrant will do your job five times faster than you will. They don't complain and they follow orders without question. Plus, they don't require food which means that they won't even ask for lunch breaks. All employers will have to do to keep these aliens productive is set up a few alcoves in which they can regenerate. That will ultimately be much cheaper for potential employers than having to cough up a whole $5.85 an hour.

The Viidians- also from the Delta Quadrant. These aliens will not only steal our jobs, they will also steal our body organs because their entire race is plagued with some infectious disease that makes leprosy look like a sunny day at the park. They need fresh body parts to survive and to get back those fashion model faces. If this ain't a threat to national security, I honestly don't know what the fuck is.

The Romulans- an offshoot of the Vulcan race. But unlike the Vulcans, Romulans are treacherous, violent, and governed by intense passion. If they are allowed to immigrate here from the Beta Quadrant, there won't be a safe bar in all of Manhattan. They will steal our jobs when our backs our turned quicker than you can say, "Space, the final frontier....". And giving these aliens driver's licenses will put the capital "D" in the word total disaster. Talk about some road rage now.

So which of the candidates is advocates taking sensible precautions by mining the entrance to the Bajoran wormhole like our Holy Starfleet Captain, Benjamin Sisko, did? Which candidates will devote at least half of our defense budget to seeking out potential Borg transwarp passages leading from our quadrant into theirs. Which candidates support building a great space fence around the non-Federation borders of the Beta Quadrant? I mean, Batgirl knows what kind of unholy religions and wicked rituals these dangerous aliens will bringing them when they move in to take all our jobs.

These are the questions you should be asking yourself this next November before you spin the wheel on those video poker machines that select our representatives. Our very livelihoods are at stake here, people.

In the meantime, contact your senators and representatives and tell them you and your children have no plans to learn Romulan. Tell them that you want your government to build electric barbwire fences around all borders and cross sections of space that lead to the Alpha Quadrant. Let's keep the Alpha Quadrant free and prosperous for Alpha Quadrians.


Sunday, February 24, 2008

Fatwa# 11 On Diets

Good news, friends. The Elders have handed down two very stringent rules in one fatwa that you must follow to the letter unless you want to have your eternal soul hauled off to Arkham Asylum.

Fatwa #11:

First, you are hereby ordered not to eat bat meat. Bats are unfit for human consumption and you must remember that your body is not your own. It is a temple to the Justice League of America. Consuming the meat of bats violates that temple and it will not stand in the eyes of our Eternal Heroes. Plus, eating bats shows a blatant disregard for Batgirl, whose life hath been devoted to protecting you. So take all that bat meat you bought on special at the grocery store this weekend and throw it in the garbage and don't bother asking yourself any questions.

Second, this church demands that you eat at least one serving of possum every Friday. The only reason for this is that it has been ordered by the High Priest and the Intergalactic Board of Elders. That's all the reason you need and we're not currently accepting any questions on the matter. You are just a person while the Elders and I speak directly and everyday to the Martian Manhunter. That's all you need to know at this point.

All Praise Be to Wonder Woman for making our lives simpler by creating so many little rules for us all to follow in order to avoid eternal damnation in Arkham.


Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Rise and Fall of Empires

Check this nonsense out:

History reveals that all governments, empires and kingdoms of men, no matter how grand, no matter how powerful, ultimately fall. It happened to ancient Egypt, Assyria and Babylon. Even Rome was not exempt; though it dominated much of Europe, Northern Africa, the Middle East and parts of the Near East, and lasted for 500 years, the Roman Empire ultimately fell.

There is an old and popular saying: “Rome was not built in a day.” Likewise, the Roman Empire did not fall in one night; its decline was gradual. Not long after it rose to world dominance, several factors were already at work contributing to the empire’s ultimate demise.

Similarly, these factors are at work among the societies of the American and British peoples—and serve as warning signs of a civilization destined to fall.

Then, this writer goes on to list seven reasons why America and Great Britain are about fall. Here's a few of them:

Children are growing up pampered and catered to, never learning to accept and recover from setbacks—never being taught to “rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man” (Lev. 19:32), which is connected to fearing God—never instructed to think of others before themselves."


"The Romans were pagan idol worshipers who took the gods of the Greeks and gave them Roman names. Accompanying the assortment of false gods was lascivious religious rituals and customs. Temple prostitution, drunkenness and other vices that appealed to the flesh were common across the empire. Similar to the Greeks, the Romans worshipped mythological figures who freely gave in to carnal desires—deceiving, stealing, getting drunk and committing fornication, adultery, even rape!

Today, millions of Americans, Britons and others claim to worship only one deity, the God of the Bible—yet their actions scream something quite different!

Now, let's correct a few things here, shall we?

While we agree with the writer's general premise that America, Britain, and others are lost, everyone knows that the universe can't be run some being who doesn't even know how to fire phasers or launch photon torpedoes. For Captain Kirk saith unto the masses, Two to beam up, Scotty. Note that he doesn't saith, "Two to beam up, Lord". I really don't think the Truth could be any more obvious.

Love cannot conquer the Borg, but ass kicking starship maneuvers can. The Star Trek scriptures have made this clear to all those who would listen. I mean let's use our heads here, people. If the Borg had assimilated God instead of Captain Jean Luc Picard or turned Jesus into Locutus, we would very likely be plugging into our alcoves tonight instead of resting our heads comfortably on soft pillows.

We also agree that children should raised on strict and brutal discipline. All children are born with the original sinister. They begin to dream of robbing jewelry stores just as soon as that umbilical cord is cut. Therefore, in order make them good American citizens, they must learn the true meaning of the word "fear". But how are kids going to fear some guy who can't even flood the planet right? Seriously, the guy stands by and watches his enemies do all kinds of wicked shit and doesn't lift a damn finger to blast them with some super speed or bash them across the head with a Baterang.

What children really need these days is a healthy dose of Batman every morning. They need to be shown what happens to cowardly criminals when He sets His sites on them. They need to understand what a terrible place Arkham Asylum is and how they will be forced to spend an eternity there if they don't heed the word of the Justice League. Every time your kids do something wrong, point to the window and say you just saw a dark human-like figure spread His wings in the shadows. Then watch them shape the fuck up.

You see, America doesn't have to be on the decline. If we could just bring this nation back to its DC Comics and Federation roots, all our problems would vanish just like the Iconians and Gorilla City.


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

This Just In............

Lately tensions have been running very high between the supporters of Captain Sisko and the supporters of Captain Janeway.

For some time now we have had suspicions that someone has been tampering with the communicators and the drop off comment/donation boxes on the backs of our pews that go directly to the Intergalactic Board of Elders. So we decided to place hidden cameras around our temples to get some pictures and see if our suspicions were correct.

And, of course, they were:

Just as we thought.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

A Third Option?

And here's yet another letter patched through the subspace communique:

To the High Priest, Elders, Janeway and Sisko supporters,

Some of us can't believe what we are reading. All of these Starfleet Captains are sell-outs. There is no difference between Captain Janeway or Captain Sisko. There is no real difference between any of these Captains and the leaders of the Dominion. All of them broker neat little deals with the enemy and everyone who supports them is a sell-out too.

On the other hand, we have Commodore Matt Decker. A man who was willing to give His life defending innocent worlds. A man who was willing to plunge the entire crew of the Enterprise into the mouth of the Doomsday Machine just to prove a point and make a stand. But no, He was stopped by Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (the ones who sold us all out to the Klingon Empire some twenty years later). He had to go it alone in the USS Constellation. Typical.

Now, we know what you are going to say. Commodore Decker can't win because no one has heard of Him and no one will support Him. We say bullshit. If we can't support someone of a stringent moral fiber, there is no point in supporting anyone at all.
So we hope the Intergalactic Board of Elders will think about this and reject all these noisy cries to support either Janeway or Sisko. Commodore Decker is the only officer our consciences will allow us to support.

You people make us sick.


The Brigade to Stop the Corporate Captains of Starfleet.

Our reply:

Dear Brigade,

Here in the next few days you will see this large cube hovering over your houses in the sky. You will know them when they call out to you, "We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your vessels."

There's no point in trying to run. There's no point in trying to hide. Resistance really is futile as you will soon discover.

Sorry about your luck. If you ever make it back to Sector 001, let us know how it went.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Response

The following response to the last open letter was also received on subspace:

Dear Racist Supporters of Captain Janeway,

Do you all know any other words from the dictionary besides "misogyny"?

It is our understanding that you are trying to manipulate the superdelegates to the Intergalactic Board of Elders to choose Captain Janeway's words over Captain Sisko's wisdom.

Just so the leaders of this church are clear, we will not stand for it. We will throw all of our Star Trek DVDs in the trash and start watching Stargate Atlantis before we allow such an injustice to be done to the majority of the people who make up this church body.

Yes, Captain Benjamin Sisko had to have an ambassador killed to pull the Romulan Star Empire into the Dominion War. The Federation just lost the Betazed homeworld to the Dominion. What was He supposed to do? Furthermore, where was Captain Janeway when the Jem'Hadar were killing off Federation citizens left and right? Oh, that's right, she was lost in the Delta Quadrant forming alliances with hostile enemies like the Borg Collective in order to get her crew out of the mess she got them into in the first place.

Again this will not stand. While we harbor no ill feelings toward the proud women who wear the Starfleet uniform, the majority of us clearly believe that Captain Benjamin Sisko is the right Captain to lead us back into the light.


Apostates for Captain Sisko's Majority

Our reply:

Dear Apostates,

Again, we must implore you to stop all these artificial divisions. We must remember to stop and ask ourselves, "What Would Captain Kirk Do?"

Well, we know what He wouldn't do. He wouldn't have Federation citizens squabbling and fighting amongst themselves while our most lethal enemies wait just beyond the horizon to strike at the very foundation of what the United Federation of Planets holds dear.

It is not for us to judge the actions of Captain Kathryn Janeway while the Starship Voyager was navigating its way through the Delta Quadrant. For Her decision remains supreme over that of the mere noncommissioned officer. We do not question. Once we begin questioning the orders of our Holy Starfleet Captains, we might as well hand ourselves right over to the Borg for assimilation.

If She had been in the Alpha Quadrant during the Dominion invasion, I'm sure that Her and the crew of Voyager would have blowing Jem'Hadar soldiers back into the stone ages while their changeling masters stood haplessly by with their liquid state jaws hanging open.

For the record, the Elders and I have no intention of declaring our support for one Starfleet Captain over another. It will take prayers to all of our Starfleet Captains to bring us from this shape-shifter infested public realm back to the Federation values upon which this nation was founded.

We seriously hope this will end any divisions that have formed within the body of our glorious church.


Itchy and Scratchy

Taking a moment away from the wondrous teachings of Captain James T. Kirk and the almighty wisdom of the Martian Manhunter, I must respond to tag by my friend Laurel from Mountain Laurel because her heart is filled with the love of Starfleet and her soul is as pure as the deadly scream of the Black Canary. And I'm sure all the worlds in the Alpha Quadrant are just dying to hear what the Reverend and High Priest of everything True is reading right now.

Friends, we must remember that Captain Picard loves us all and we must respect our bodies and our friends as if they were temples unto Starfleet Headquarters. Won't you join us?

So here's the rules:

1. Pick up the closest book of 123 pages or more
(No cheating.)
2. Find page 123
3. Find the first five sentences
4. Post the next three sentences

Here goes:

"It's very funny when it ridicules Krusty and the market geniuses who broadcast Itchy and Scratchy. It's banal, flat, and not funny when it tries to deal seriously with the issues of censorship arising from Itchy and Scratchy. The lifeblood of The Simpsons, and its astonishing achievement, is the pace of cruelty and ridicule that it has managed to sustain for over a decade."

From The Simpsons and Philosophy
Chapter 8 written by Carl Matheson

I can't think of anyone to tag, but if you want it, it's all yours.


An Open Letter to the High Priest

The Elders intercepted the following on subspace:

To the Reverend High Priest Elvis D. and the Intergalactic Board of Elders,

Some of us have noticed lately how much attention you've been giving to Captain Benjamin Sisko. We've counted the number of times his name has been mentioned versus the times you've mentioned Captain Kathryn Janeway.

In one of your recent sermons, you praised Sisko for being pro-protouniverse and completely ignored Captain Janeway's own commitment to other alien forms of life. It's as though the High Priest and the Elders believe that the inexperienced former commander of Deep Space Nine is some kind of savior who will ride a horse across the Alpha Quadrant and single handedly conquer all our enemies.

It is apparent to some us within the Church that the Reverend High Priest and the all male Intergalactic Board of Elders are misogynists who refuse to acknowledge the great stands made by Captain Janeway while ignoring all the obvious faults of Captain Sisko.

We are tired. We are tired of this obvious bias this church consistently shows toward Benjamin Sisko and his followers over Captain Janeway and those of us who live by Her wisdom alone. Sisko is a divider, not a uniter. He would sell out the entire Alpha Quadrant just to appease our enemies. His record proves it. Have the leaders of this church forgotten how he managed to pull the Romulans into the Dominion War?


Captain Janeway's Dissidents in Servitude

Our reply:

Dear Dissidents in Servitude,

First of all, the Intergalatic Board of Elders is not entirely male. There are two women, four men, three are genderless, and two are from a species which has a third gender that is neither male or female.

Second, we wake up every morning and give praise to Captain Kathryn Janeway. We firmly believe that all Starfleet Captains are sacred, the teachings of the five major Captains are at the heart of this very church's being.

It is true that we
neglected to mention Captain's Janeway's heroic efforts to rescue a fetal Borg drone in the womb of Voyager's science lab. So we bow down and ask for Her forgiveness.

You might want to consider doing the same by bowing down to Captain Sisko and asking Him to forgive you of your trespasses. He could turn the wormhole aliens against you and if they can stop an entire Dominion fleet from entering Bajoran space, they can stop a group of unarmed, disgruntled Star Trekiologists from breaking away from the only church that is recognized by Starfleet Command.

Third, people, we must stop this petty bickering. There is a whole fleet of Borg cubes waiting to cross over into the Alpha Quadrant to assimilate Earth and add our biological and technological distinctiveness to their own.

If we continue to haggle over who is the better Starfleet officer, our enemies will surely prevail before the Vulcans even get a chance to land in Montana. So please, everyone join hands and sing praises to all of our Holy Starfleet Captains before it is too late.


Friday, February 15, 2008

China's Religious Intolerance

Apparently some folks want to boycott China and relocate the Olympics somewhere then than Bejing. We agree. In China, kids cannot bow down to the Batman or sing praises to Captain Jean Luc Picard without the fear of reprisal. Slave wages, Communist Party sanctioned labor boards instead of independent labor unions, and shooting people for saying the wrong thing is OK by us, but how can a country be whole without Starfleet Command or the Justice League of America?

China's Director of Religious Affairs came to the U.S. in an attempt to quell this story about the nation's religious oppression. From the AP:

Ye Xiaowen told reporters Wednesday, after talks with Undersecretary of State Paula Dobriansky, that China's peaceful development depends upon its respect for human rights and religious beliefs. Ye said he also met with President Bush's ambassador for international religious freedom, John Hanford, and with Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, the retired archbishop of Washington.

China has been a target of international criticism that its communist-led government abuses and stymies the voices of its people and ignores violence in Sudan's Darfur region. Some have demanded sanctions involving the August Olympics, but the Chinese government has said repeatedly the games should be kept separate from politics.

Ye criticized as groundless last year's State Department report on religious freedom that said China continued to repress religious groups and was cracking down ahead of the Olympics.

China's leaders allow worship only in government-monitored churches, temples and mosques. Members of unofficial congregations frequently are jailed and harassed.

Well, we got a glimpse of what one of these official Chinese churches look like and they look something like this:

As many of you surely realize, this picture was taken before the Black Manta sailed up the Kanawha and found some prime real estate in West Virginia for the Legion of Doom- complete with a shiny, golden dome to house their new base. (And for those who still don't believe, Gorilla Grodd was apparently spotted in our mountains and was mistaken for Bigfoot.)

Nevertheless, we now know that China ranks right behind the United States in catering to Legion of Doom sympathizers and Joker worshipers.


Fatwa #10: Giving Alms

Fatwa: #10:

In order to see the Hall of Justice you must give 85% of all earned and non earned income to this church so that the leaders of this church can live more comfortably and drive nicer vehicles.

Another 10% must go to candidates seeking public office who support the rights of the ProtoUniverse and a constitutional amendment that would allow us to put Superman back in the classroom and train first grade children to fly from twelve story buildings with gliders so that they may better understand the Almighty Ways of the Batman.

This church graciously allows you to keep 5% of of your earnings after taxes to fulfill whatever earthly or multi-dimensional needs you to meet.

This fatwa includes any overtime you accrue and money you make by mowing your neighbor's lawn, selling your car, and having yard sales. Even children running lemon aid stands this summer must cough up 85% for us and 10% for our politicians unless their little souls fathom the idea of going straight to Arkham.

It Hath Been Declared. All Praise Be to the Black Canary for allowing us to make such infinitely wise decisions on behalf what we all know is right.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better than Yours Pt. 4

Today's lesson is about a comic character named Jonah.

Jonah was ordered by God (aka Jehovah) to go and distribute their comic book amongst the people of Nineveh.

Jonah must have been as confused as all the other heroes the God League because throughout the Old Testament graphic novel, it's difficult to tell whether Jehovah was a superhero or a supervillian. Anyway, Jonah decides not to follow their league commander and heads as far away from Nineveh as a boat can take him. Perhaps Jonah was afraid of trying to sell a hero to the Ninevehians who can't even operate a transporter, let alone command a starship.

Anyway, Jonah stowed on away on a boat to get as far away from his orders as possible when the superhero/supervillian, God, whipped up some horrible weather and damn near destroyed them. The men on the boat figured out that Jonah was the problem so they tossed his sorry ass over the side where he was quickly swallowed up by a whale.

Inside the whale, Jonah lit a candle and began to pray day and night to the superhero known as God. Well, God decided to spare him and caused the whale to spit him out. And that ends the story.

While we here at the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets are all about prayer, we believe that there is a time to pray and a time to start kicking someone's ass.

With that in mind, let's imagine for a moment what would have happened if the Penguin had ordered his henchmen to throw the Batman over the side of his yacht only to have a whale swallow him up.

Assuming that Aquaman was out of the area defending Atlantis on His seahorse from the Black Manta, Batman's first task would have been to contact his friends from the Justice League up there in the Watchtower. They would have come down and rescued Him without causing any injury to the whale.

If the whale's muscles were too thick for the Martian Manhunter's communication devices to penetrate, Batman would have immediately begun planning his own escape.

He would have pulled a tube of whale regurgitation pellets from his utility belt and dropped them on the bottom of the whale's belly. After the whale began to vomit him up, He would have found some material to create a surfboard and rode the wave of puke through the whale's innards and out its mouth into the air with his cape flapping for all nearby criminals to see.

While demonstrating these fine-tuned surfing skills, Batman would have taken the first opportunity He could to summon the Batsubmarine to pick Him up. After boarding the Batsub, he would take the wheel and push the necessary buttons to convert it into the Batplane. Then He would have blasted out of the ocean and flown straight for the Penguin to foil his sinister plans; thus restoring balance, once again, to the righteous cause of justice.

So you see, the choice here is obvious. You want Jonah on your side offering you protection or would you rather have your soul protected by the one and only Batman? I think it's clear which would be the best decision.


Monday, February 11, 2008

What Have You Done Lately (for the Justice League)

Question of the day:

Are you doing enough to make sure that the JLA wins the upcoming battle against the Legion of Doom?

The answer:

No, you aren't.

Sure, people wear their Superman shirts and sport their Batman ball caps, but that isn't enough, people. Some will tell me that they spend their entire day studying and reading the word of the Justice League, but they haven't even bothered to take the Word into the streets. They're barely doing their part.

Others say they they go door to door and ask people if they've heard of Aquaman. Yet, they don't spend enough enough time at home and spend the time that is required to learn what Hawkgirl has tried to teach us.

People will come up with all kinds of excuses about why they aren't devoting their every waking moment to the DC scriptures. They say, "but, but I have a job" or "I need to put food on table". These are really lame excuses and they will offer very little comfort (let alone amnesty) when the Legion of Doom has firmly planted their flag on the White House lawn.

Rest assured that when this happens, it will be your fault because you didn't do enough to stop it. You were out there reading Spawn comic books and wondering if he might join in the fight when you should have been out showing your support Wonder Woman and the Green Lantern.

That's right. When Lex Luthor starts packing the Supreme Court with his own people, just remember that you could have stopped it if you would have just worked a little harder.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Meet the Borg

Here's a little something for all you infidels to think about this President's Day:

(Gee, I sure am grateful for all these internet sites and video bloggers that cater to insufferable geeks like myself.)

Saturday, February 9, 2008

My Dearest

This letter came to the church's mailbox as of yesterday:

From Sister Yvonne Williamson
BP 20, Abidjan, B.P. V 74
avenue Nogues, Le Plateau
Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire
West Africa.

Dearest In Christ,

My greetings to you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.I am Mrs.Yvonne Williamson from South Africa. I am married to Archdeacon. Arlene Williamson whom until his death served as an archdeacon in the St.Micheal's archdeaconry in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2003. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $4.5.Million with one of the famous bank here in Abidjan capital of Cote d'Ivoire for safe keeping.

Presently, my Doctor confirmed to me that I have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.Haven known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein.

I want a church that will use this fund for orphanages, helping the widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that grive. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way.

This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that» the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace”. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.

As soon as I receive your reply I will give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply. Due to present condition of my health, I was warned by my doctor to avoid receiving or making any call.

Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs Yvonne Williamson.

And this was our reply:

Dearest Yvonne,

Apparently, you've reached the inbox of the wrong church. Here we don't worship gods who can't shoot laser beams from their eyeballs, wield green power rings, or lead a fleet of starships into battle against the Borg Collective.

You'll need to find another church to receive your generous $4.5 million donation for we live by the word of the Justice League and Starfleet alone.

However, to show that we are merciful church we are going to honor your second request by praying to the Batman and ask that He come to your house in the middle of the night and give you everything that you really deserve.

One piece of advice, madame, when you get to Arkham Asylum be sure to keep your mouth shut when the Joker is nearby. You never know what kind of scams or pranks he's likely to pull on the weak minded and the helpless.

Yours truly in Batgirl's Grace,

The High Priest and Reverend Elvis D.

from the First Church of the DC Comictician
and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Understanding The Tao

The wise student hears of the Tao and practices it it diligently.

The average student hears of the Tao and gives it thought now and again.

The foolish student hears of the Tao and laughs aloud.

If there is no laughter, the Tao would not be what it is.

The Tao Te Ching 41, Lao Tsu

Lately, I've been reading these comic books by some publishers who call themselves Taoists.

Now, when I picked these things up I was under the mistaken impression that the Tao was some ass kicking Chinese guy in a black mask and cape beating his foes into submission and dragging them off to some deep dark dungeon. I was wrong.

Then I found these two characters called Yin and Yang and thought maybe they were some tag team crime fighting duo like Batman and Robin and maybe the Tao was their base. Nope.

Perhaps the Tao was a starship with Yin as its captain and Yang as its first officer. Wrong again.

Then I remembered how many religions there are out there founded by people who didn't have the courtesy to draw us frame by frame pictures and use speech balloons so we could figure out just exactly who was saying what. They call these people prophets and sages, yet they couldn't even put their words into pictures or explain it through a television series with great special effects; thereby making it a little easier to comprehend for those of us from the modern day world.

The Tao Te Ching does have a few pictures unlike the comic books known as the Holy Bible, the Torah, and the Quran.

But compare this:

To this:

I think it's clear which of these contains the Truth. After reading the Tao Te Ching, I'm left wondering if this Tao is source of knowledge or if it's just another pen name for the Riddler.

Take this verse for example (Tao Te Ching 3):

Not exalting the gifted prevents quarreling.
Not collecting treasures prevents stealing.
Not seeing desirable things prevents confusion of the heart.

The wise therefore rule by emptying hearts and stuffing bellies
by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.
If people lack knowledge and desire,
then intellectuals will not try to interfere.
If nothing is done, all will be well.

I feel like I'm watching Anime. Any minute now a little girl with pigtails is going to pop out of these pages, say something cute in Japanese, and then unload a .45 on me- which might actually provide some relief at this point.

What we need is a president who won't tolerate this kind moral relativism. There's right and there's wrong, good and evil. There is the JLA and there is the Legion of Doom. There's the Federation and there's the Dominion.

Right= what we say.

Wrong= what everybody else says.

I don't really think it can get much plainer than that. It's not too late for you to give up whatever comic books your reading, pick up a copy of Batman Confidential, and step into the light.


Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Vote Pro-ProtoUniverse or Go Join the Borg Where You Belong


We have ordered you to vote like we tell you to vote. The penalty for violating this order is eternal separation from Starfleet Command. I seriously hope the Elders have made that clear to you. We're tired of all these school boards and activist judges who seek to prevent our schools and public institutions from honoring Captain James T. Kirk every morning with a prayer to His grace. If we don't start taking steps to bring our nation back to its Federation values, the Vulcans are never going to land in Montana.

So now we have a little story to share about one of the many sacrifices Captain Benjamin Sisko has made for all you Terran ingrates out there drinking Romulan ale, fornicating with hostile aliens, worshiping false heroes, and watching Stargate Atlantis.

Turn with me now to the Star Trek scriptures. DS9- 2:17

Here we learn of how Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax took a runabout out into the Gamma Quadrant with the next potential host of the Dax symbiont and the starboard nacelles were put out of commission by what She thought might be "subspace seaweed". After Chief O'Brian set up a containment chamber around this protomatter, our Starfleet Officers aboard Deep Space Nine realized that this wasn't just protomatter, but a protouniverse; forming and expanding the way we know that our own universe did. So our great Captain Sisko had to make a decision:

Personal log. Supplemental. One hour. One hour to make a decision that could mean the life or death of a civilization. Or the end to our own. My mind keeps going back to the Borg... how I despised their... indifference as they tried to exterminate us. And I have to ask myself... would I be any different if I destroyed another universe to preserve my own?

And as the scriptures point out, Captain Sisko made a choice and he chose life. He instructed Commander Dax to take the protouniverse back to the Gamma Quadarnt and let it take its natural course. Even if it meant Her own life, the decision to protect the protouniverse at all costs was made. The time for question and debate was over; the feelings of Dax's friends and family were secondary to Captain Sisko's order to preserve the protouniverse no matter what.

This is how we instruct you to vote. Before you choose a single candidate for county commission, find out where that candidate stands on the rights of the protouniverse. Before you cast a ballot for senator or president, you better make damn sure that the candidate supports the protouniverse and its right to exist. It doesn't really matter where these candidates stand on other issues. If they don't stand for the protouniverse, they don't stand for you. A vote for a nihilist who supports destroying the protouniverse on demand is a vote for a Borg foothold on Sector 001.

For the protouniverse must be protected and that is all you need to worry about. If it is plagued with wars and starvation, don't worry about it. It's not our concern. If it is filled with poverty and starvation, it doesn't matter. Starfleet provides for those who provide for themselves by seeking out their knowledge and wisdom.

So unless you like the idea of having your arms pulled off and replaced with Borg technology, you best get in line and do as we tell you. Vote Pro-Protouniverse or spend eternity being linked to all your commie friends in the galaxy's #1 collective; where you won't even be allowed to think for yourself.


The Struggle for The Soul

Brothers and sisters, we have become aware that in 2008 many Star Trekiologists have begun fighting amongst themselves over who was a better Starfleet Captain: Kathryn Janeway or Benjamin Sisko. Both Captains are successful and their popularity ratings amongst the faithful are almost neck in neck.

The Elders and I love all the children of the flock, so we've tried listening to both sides, but the level of irrationality and flaring tempers has become so great that we have been forced into the Vulcan wing of Starfleet Headquarters to burn incense and sit crosslegged before the alter of James T. Kirk and meditate upon a solution.

This is what we see:

The Captain Janeway supporters are calling the Captain Sisko supporters misogynists. They claim that she has been slighted by the church membership because she is a woman. The Captain Sisko supporters are firing their phasers back at the Captain Janeway supporters because they feel that there is some underlying racism in this argument.

The Sisko supporters are quick to point out that Captain Janeway has been employing some questionable tactics in order to win. They feel she betrayed the United Federation of Planets and the Alpha Quadrant by forming a temporary alliance with the Borg in an effort to defend our galaxy from Species 8472. They say Her tactics are dirty and underhanded and that She often relies on Captain Jean Luc Picard for support. The answer from the Janeway camp is the same: the Sisko supporters are stupid misogynists who don't know what is in their best interest.

The Janeway supporters constantly site Captain Sisko's relative inexperience because during the first three seasons of Deep Space Nine, he was a Commander and not a Captain. They say that His desire to form alliances with various lifeforms and entities such as the Bajoran wormhole aliens and the Ferangi Alliance are suspect. He is continuously referred to as a sell-out and His supporters are often labeled as closet Romulans by those partial to Captain Janeway.

Captain Sisko's supporters believe that the only way we can bring lasting peace to the Alpha Quadrant is to form alliances with other alien races and bring all walks of life into the fold- Captain Janeway's supporters respond to this by saying that Captain Sisko is too inexperienced and that His people are closet Ferangi. They casually dismiss Her own alliance with the Borg and overlook her continual reliance upon the experience of Captain Picard for success.

Friends, we must stop this petty bickering. We are all citizens of the United Federation of Planets. People who are partial to Captain Janeway need to stop bashing the people who favor Captain Sisko and vice versa. Even the people who support a third choice of other commissioned officers like Commodore Decker need to give all this infighting a rest. All of us who claim Federation citizenship share many of the same goals and believe in the principles laid out for us in the Federation Charter.

We're told this will all be over in November. All the Elders and I can say is that seriously we hope so. If these battles rage on, we risk the chance of opening a rift in the multiverse and letting in people from the Mirror Universe to come to Sector 001 and rule our lives.


Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 3

Here's another story from the comic book called the Bible for us to look at.

The hero this time is a man named Moses. Again, it is important to point out that we are unsure whether he wore a mask or a cape. He has no known alias- he's just Moses so far as we can tell.

Moses' biggest victory in this part of the Old Testament graphic novel series called Exodus was leading the Jewish people out from under an Egyptian supervillian called the Pharaoh into freedom and a new promised land. By every measure he was successful and for that we salute him; even if he didn't lead his massive group of refugees to safety in something cool like the batmobile.

Moses worked together with another of the Bible's superheroes whom we mentioned earlier named God. Now, God must have chilled out a little because the last time we mentioned him he was flooding the planet and killing off everyone except Noah and the handful of people who didn't think Noah was out of his gourd. But it is apparent that without Jehovah getting into his God costume, Moses would have failed. There is no shame in little teamwork- it just would have been nice if the Hebrews could have drawn us some pictures so we could follow this a little better.

God took the first step and threw all kinds of nasty ass shit at the Pharoah and his people- things like storms, locusts, and plagues. Nothing wrong with that.

When it was all over, Moses took his people on a long stroll through the desert until they came to modern day Israel. One of the more noted superpowers Moses employed here was that he could call out a command and part seas. Not entirely unimpressive. He used this power to get everyone safety by parting the Red Sea and closing it on the Pharaoh's pursuing soldiers. Quick, effective, and needlessly bloody.

Now let's imagine what might have happened if Zatanna and Plastic Man had joined up and led the Jews to safety instead of God and Moses.

For one thing, they could have shaved a little time off the journey. Zatanna could have been casting equally wicked spells to throw the Pharaoh off balance while Plastic Man extended his arms to fold out into a big ladder for the people climb over. The Pharaoh and his henchmen would have been so distracted by Zatanna's spells, they wouldn't have had time to notice all the people running over Plastic Man's stretched out body to safety.

Then once they got away, the Red Sea wouldn't have needed to be parted. Plastic Man could have transformed into a bridge. Before the Pharaoh's henchmen would have known what had happened, Plastic Man would have done went back to a normal shape and would have went in a totally different direction. No one would have had to be killed.

On top of all this, the people fleeing Egypt would have had loads of entertainment accompanying them on their journey. With Plastic Man's slapstick humor and Zatanna's nightly magic shows, people wouldn't have had any time for erecting statues of Ba'al, drinking, screwing, and whatever else it was they did in the desert back in those days that seemed to piss Moses off so much.

So on the one hand we have God and Moses; on the other we have Zatanna and Plastic Man. Which would you choose?

To be continued......................


Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 2

Today's lesson is about a comic book character the Judeo-Christian faith calls Noah. Now, Noah didn't have any aliases or at least none that we are aware of. And as pointed out before we aren't sure if Noah wore a cowl, a mask, or a cape because the people who wrote these comics weren't considerate enough to draw pictures so that the fans could know more about them.

What we do know about Noah is that he was warned in advance about a great flood that would wipe out humanity and life as we know it. The villain who created the rain that caused the flood is also this comic series' superhero called God aka Jehovah. People have to understand that it is strange to the DC Comictician how a superhero could be a villain all in the same issue. It's like trying to understand Anime or watching the Incredible Hulk TV show with Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno. Nevertheless, we're willing to accept the possibility that this Jehovah was taken over by Parallax or some other mind controlling parasite for a brief period.

Noah went out and tried to tell people about this coming flood and begged them to help him build an Ark which could save people and all animals- except the dinosaurs, who were pretty well fucked because of their enormous sizes. He was ignored (unless maybe people of that time wanted to show solidarity with the dinosaurs). We here at the First Church can understand what Noah was going through because we've tried warning people about the Legion of Doom building their base right here in America only to be scoffed and laughed at and told that we are crazy. We'll see who's laughing when Lex Luthor pulls out his chair in the Oval Office.

Anyway, the flood came and Noah sailed on his ark with his family and two of each kind of "acceptable" animal- a male and female of each. Then they landed at Mount Arafat and repopulated the planet without saving anyone else.

Now let's look at what would have happened if the Black Manta would have caused this flood and tipped Aquaman off ahead of time.

First of all, Aquaman wouldn't have wasted one minute trying to convince people of Black Manta's evil scheme. He knows that no one would listen and He would do what our Heroes have done since the multiverse was formed and save them all despite their disrespect and ungrateful ignorance.

He probably would have stopped the Black Manta dead in his tracks before a single raindrop fell. But if He didn't, He would have rode his seahorse through the tides and summoned every aquatic creature for a massive rescue operation. People everywhere would have been able to ride the backs of whales, sharks, and dolphins until it was safe. Even schools of small fish could have rallied to form little life boats if they ran out of whales. Every man, woman, and child would have been spared and the Black Manta would have been dragged off in handcuffs.

The most important lesson to learn here is that this would have been a selfless act on Aquaman's behalf because He would undoubtedly enjoy seeing the world become all ocean. That way He could rule the world as King of Atlantis. But like all DC Heroes, he does what is right at any cost with no expectation of gratitude from all the people He has saved.

Can Jewish and Christian people say the same of their Hero? I think not. Noah tried, but failed and then left people who wouldn't listen to drown while he sailed his ark to safety. And even if Parallax had taken over God's mind and body, there's no evidence that he did anything to try and stop the parasite from such an evil plan.

So Aquaman or Noah. Friends, who would you want on your side if death rained down from the sky and the earth filled up like a salt water aquarium? The choice seems obvious.

To be continued.........


Monday, February 4, 2008

The Challenge

The elders from the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets believe:

The real Challenge of the Superfriends is the challenge we all find within ourselves to ward off our sinisters and resist Gorilla Grodd's mindbeams which seek to pull us into the realm of evil.

The real Challenge of the Superfriends is the challenge to take our schools, our government, and our country out of the Legion of Doom's hands and restore our nation to one which reflects Justice League values.

The real Challenge of the Superfriends is the challenge to embrace the teachings of Wonder Woman and ask for Her guidance as well as Her golden lasso which brings the Truth out of everybody.

The real Challenge of the Superfriends is the challenge to call upon Batman to save us from our sinisters and the Riddler.

The real Challenge of the Superfriends is the challenge to look within our own hearts to seek out our yearning for justice and the ability to smite our foes with deadly force in the name of peace.

The real Challenge of the Superfriends is the challenge to abandon everything we've learned in the Legion of Doom's public schools and sacrifice all science and reason to faith and worship alone.

The real Challenge of the Superfriends lies within us all.

Are you up to the challenge?


Sunday, February 3, 2008

Marvel Comics- The Fastest Growing Blasphemy, I Mean Comic Books, in the World

Once again, just look at that tee-shirt my very own grandson is wearing. At the age of 2, he is already beginning to fall prey to the worship of false heroes and heretic stories of exploding green hulks and four people who aren't even fantastic enough to steer a spaceship away from a storm- leaving some poor guy named Ben all transformed into some kind of rock-like being.

But there is hope:

Here is my granddaughter is showing believers her favorite game that's she likes playing her Papaw.

We can only hope that the glorious divinity of the Batman and His teachings will someday wear off on her brother, so that he may give up his devotion to Spiderman and realize that the only true Heroes of this dimension and others can be found within the scriptures of DC Comics.

I ask that everyone light a candle and pray to Zatanna that the wicked influences of Marvel Comics will cease to plague this family which is firmly devoted to the word of the Justice League.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

From the Desk of Reverend Elvis D.


Just recently, I had to get a pair of glasses and they're causing me some serious headaches, so blogging may a little light here at the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the Planets in the next few days. As you can see in this recent photo, I finally got my teeth fixed. The Indians hat covers up the couple spots on my head that have grown back a few clumps of hair. I've been generally feeling a little better about myself lately- now this.

My friend, Jenny- from Jennyville (currently under construction), suggested that I need to see a new optometrist.

But I think something else is going on here that Jenny and other folks who believe that Wonder Woman was sent here from the Island of Themyscira to save us from our sinisters hasn't considered. The Legion of Doom may be targeting my eyesight with some sort of mega-ray gun, undoubtedly invented by Gorilla Grodd, in an attempt to stop me from spreading the good word of Batgirl and prevent me from my daily work in spreading the Justice League's love to every home in the Alpha Quadrant.

In the meantime, I will be studying the Batman Chronicles and The Green Lantern: Greatest Stories Ever Told for truth and wisdom as well as pondering upon the Star Trek scriptures in search of new ways to apply Captain Jean Luc Picard's teachings to a world filled with infidels, supervillians, and Marvel comic book readers. Arkham Asylum is a terrible place to spend eternity so our mission to sway you from that path of unrighteousness will never end.

In the meantime, may Captain James T. Kirk continue to bestow blessings upon you all.

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Cold Plunge

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets salutes Bill Lynch who writes a column called Strange Places for the Gazz. Bill has dared to defy both Captain Cold and Mr. Freeze by plunging into some ice cold water this winter for a very good cause.

Check him out here

Comic Books and Golden Rules

Golden Rules From Other Comic Books:

Do unto others whatever you would have them do unto you. -The New Testament of the Bible

Tzu Kung asked saying, is there any single saying that one can act upon all day and everyday? The Master replied, perhaps the saying about consideration: Never do to others what you would not like them to do to you. -The Analects of Confucius

No one is a true believer unless he desireth for his brother that which he desireth for himself. -The Hadith (traditional sayings of the prophet Mohammed)

Do not hurt others with that which hurts yourself.
-The Dhammapada (teachings of the Buddha)

This is the sum of all duty: Do nothing to others which if done to you, would cause you pain. -The Mahabharata (Hindu text)

You shall not take vengence or bear a grudge against your countrymen. Love your fellow as yourself: I am the Lord. -The Torah

All beings are fond of life, they like pleasure, hate pain, avoid decay, wish to live long. To all, life is dear...... All breathing, existing, living sentient creatures should not be slain, nor treated with violence, nor abused, nor tormented, nor driven away. This is the pure, unchangeable, external law, which the clever ones, who understand the world have declared. -Acaranga-sutra (Sacred Book of the East- Jainism)

Surrender yourself humbly; then you can be trusted to care for all things. Love the world as your own self; then you can truly care for all things. -Tao Te Ching (Lao Tzu)

Of course, we all know how seriously people have taken these rules over the years. Having a plane loaded full of passengers fly straight into a building where I work isn't exactly what I would desireth for myself, personally. Nor would I fathom having someone tie me to a stake and burn me alive. The Israeli government seems to know more about vengeance and bearing a grudge than they do loving their fellows.

But hey, what can we expect from scriptures that don't offer us any full color pictures and promote gods, prophets, and supernatural forces who can't even pilot a Galaxy-class starship or wield the Green Lantern's power ring.

That's why these are the only golden rules, you ever need concern yourself with:

1) Do unto your enemies as the Batman would do unto the Joker and always carry kryptonite in your utility belt in case your best friend from Krypton goes rouge.

- DC Comictology

2) Do not destroy an enemy vessel with photon torpedoes until you've disabled it's engines and weapons systems first.

- Star Trekiology

There, now doesn't that feel better. Two simple commandments that everyone can live with.