Monday, February 25, 2008

Aliens- Stealing Our Jobs, Destroying Our Way of Life

I'm going to say this because somebody has to. I'm scared for our future. I'm scared at the prospect of illegal aliens crossing the borders which separate the Alpha Quadrant from the Beta, Gamma, and Delta Quadrants. If this is allowed to continue, none of us will have jobs and Terrans everywhere will be forced to learn Klingon, Borg, Romulan, and Dominionese.

So who are these aliens that are migrating to the Quadrant of the Free everyday looking for handouts and seeking to destroy our very way of life? Well, let's cover a few of the more dangerous ones.

The Klingons- Sure, they will become Federation allies in the 24th century, but don't let that fool you- we can be their friends so long as they stay within the Qo'nos sphere of influence; meaning the Beta Quadrant. These aliens put a lot of stock in pride and honor. So when they come to this land in search of those dream jobs that everyone wants, like picking fruit for a dollar fifty an hour, they will require no paychecks at all. Klingon warriors need only be convinced that rapid production for nothing is a matter of honor and their pay will be satisfied.

The Founders (aka Shape Shifters, aka Changlings)- the rulers of the Dominion. These beings from the Gamma Quadrant can assume any shape or form they so desire. They can become you and go to work for you- which wouldn't be all bad except that they can also cash your paycheck on Friday. Clearly, this is a threat at the highest levels.

The Borg Collective- these drones from the Delta Quadrant will do your job five times faster than you will. They don't complain and they follow orders without question. Plus, they don't require food which means that they won't even ask for lunch breaks. All employers will have to do to keep these aliens productive is set up a few alcoves in which they can regenerate. That will ultimately be much cheaper for potential employers than having to cough up a whole $5.85 an hour.

The Viidians- also from the Delta Quadrant. These aliens will not only steal our jobs, they will also steal our body organs because their entire race is plagued with some infectious disease that makes leprosy look like a sunny day at the park. They need fresh body parts to survive and to get back those fashion model faces. If this ain't a threat to national security, I honestly don't know what the fuck is.

The Romulans- an offshoot of the Vulcan race. But unlike the Vulcans, Romulans are treacherous, violent, and governed by intense passion. If they are allowed to immigrate here from the Beta Quadrant, there won't be a safe bar in all of Manhattan. They will steal our jobs when our backs our turned quicker than you can say, "Space, the final frontier....". And giving these aliens driver's licenses will put the capital "D" in the word total disaster. Talk about some road rage now.

So which of the candidates is advocates taking sensible precautions by mining the entrance to the Bajoran wormhole like our Holy Starfleet Captain, Benjamin Sisko, did? Which candidates will devote at least half of our defense budget to seeking out potential Borg transwarp passages leading from our quadrant into theirs. Which candidates support building a great space fence around the non-Federation borders of the Beta Quadrant? I mean, Batgirl knows what kind of unholy religions and wicked rituals these dangerous aliens will bringing them when they move in to take all our jobs.

These are the questions you should be asking yourself this next November before you spin the wheel on those video poker machines that select our representatives. Our very livelihoods are at stake here, people.

In the meantime, contact your senators and representatives and tell them you and your children have no plans to learn Romulan. Tell them that you want your government to build electric barbwire fences around all borders and cross sections of space that lead to the Alpha Quadrant. Let's keep the Alpha Quadrant free and prosperous for Alpha Quadrians.



Flash said...

Guess the UK Government can forget about mandatory ID cards, when the shape-shifters arrive?

Anne Johnson said...

You know what? They can have this planet. It's getting worn out anyway.

Elvis Drinkmo said...


It is indeed a total waste of time for the UK to start the national ID program. I have no doubt that England is infested with Changlings stealing jobs from hard working Brits. In fact, I always been a little suspicious of Tony Blair.


It's not just this planet but the entire Alpha Quadrant at stake. What are the Tellarites going to do when the Klingons have done stole all their jobs.

This isn't national or planetary security, it's intergalactic security. Anyone who can't get behind that simple concept needs to report to headquarters for a blood screening.

Flash said...

Elvis, T Blair has gone to earn squillions writing about how misunderstood he's been, while simultaneously sorting out the Middle East. Believe he'll feel at home there, as God's chosen one. Gordon Brown is possibly related to the Incredible Hulk. I'm waiting for him to go green and swell up.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

It is possible. Even though Blair may in fact be a shape shifter who replaced the real Prime Minister back in the 90's, we suspect that Brown is most likely on the Legion of Doom's payroll. If he appears to have Hulk-like tendencies, that confirms our suspicions.

We have lots of those over here in the States too. In fact, Dick Cheney may have disposed of Lex Luthor and Gorilla Grodd and taken over the Legion himself.

Buzzardbilly said...

Elvis, I hate to interrupt a fine conversation, but: Would you care to comment on this Superman item?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Superman on steroids! Blasphemy!

This blogger must think that Kal-El is a mere mortal or something.

The Elders must look into this.

AngryMan said...

If there is one thing that I've tried to teach my wife, it's that you can never trust a Romulan.

Malach the Merciless said...


Hoyt said...

I think it's time for the Justice League to have greater ballot access. It's not just our nation, it's the universe that's at stake!

Jennifer said...

I'd actually kinda like to learn Klingon. It seems like a neat language. Very angry.

But if we really want to completely stop all aliens, we also need to build some sort of bubble dome over the entire country to prevent spaceships from invading (or to prevent aliens from just climbing ladders over the fences). I'm sure that won't cost too much.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Agreed, Hoyt. Without the Justice League there can be no peace.


That's right- Gungans out!


You are wise to never trust a Romulan. Sure, they pretend like they're here to pick our apples so the stores can sell them for cheap, but what they are really doing is undermining the fabric of our society. Before you know it, they're gonna want their own schools!


I have a friend who listed Klingon on a job application under the foreign language part as a joke. Believe it or not, he didn't get the job.

AngryMan said...

The sad thing is that you can trust a Cardassian more than you can trust a Romulan.

jedijawa said...