Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Ten New Commandments

After arguing about the absurdity of placing the Bible comic book's ten commandments in a courthouse in Kentucky, I received a message from Jonn Jones, the Martian Manhunter. Last night several Watchtower employees lifted me out of my slumber and pulled me up to where our Heroes meet in the sky. I was placed before the blinding light emitted by the inner perfection of our Superheroes and they told me what I had to do.

Jonn has informed me that it is sometimes better to imitate our rivals than to fight them (something that he no doubt learned from the Batman). So our Justice League and Justice Society heroes have put together ten new commandments for us to live by.

As High Priest of DC Comictology, I offer these commandments which should be followed by all those who wish to avoid Arkham Asylum in the afterlife.

1) You shall have no other superheroes before Us.

2) You shall not worship graven images pulled from Marvel comic books or those of Anime. We're not really jealous heroes, but We think that Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk are not up to the task of taking out the Joker.

3) You shall not use the name Mx***ptlk in vain or any other way because it conjures up a very dangerous villain. You may, however, say it backwards just for good luck.

4) There shall be no day set aside for rest because the Legion of Doom never rests. You must protect yourselves against them with the Word daily.

5) Honor your parents as you would the Amazons from the Island of Themyscira.

6) You shall not take a life of a supervillian or anyone else; for the decision to do that will be left to Us alone.

7) You shall not commit adultery unless you are from a planet or dimension that condones it.

8) You shall not conspire to rob banks or steal precious artifacts and jewelry.

9) You shall not bear false witness against members of the Justice League or the Justice Society or anyone who has chosen to accept Us as the guardians of this dimension and others.

10) You shall not covet Our superpowers nor envy any of the cool toys invented in the Batcave.

So saith the JLA. We expect these simple laws to be placed in the Mercer County courthouse down in Kentucky immediately.



Anne Johnson said...

Rules, rules rules! If you are reading this comic, go to www.slavelaborgraphics and find Milk and Cheese, who spit on all rules! Let them crash (literally) your next Tupperware party!

jedijawa said...

Where are you gonna post these?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Every courthouse in America!

Even if people don't believe in the Justice League, I fail to see how hanging these ten simple rules in all public buildings could hurt.

Jennifer said...

Excellent! What sort of process are you going to use to post them in all the courthouses? Do you have a batmobile for that purpose? I have a bunch of rope and rappelling devices you can use if you want to make a grand entrance to some of the capitol domes.

(ps, your email account is bouncing messages from the the Amazon women!)

Rosie said...

Exactly what sort of "peep stone" and hat were involved in these being handed down to you? Or did you have to interpret them using Batman's headpiece?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Well, Rosie they were speaking in tongues as well as a little bit of Thanagarian, but I did manage to translate it all.

I know Jennifer- messages are getting blocked at my email address and it's driving me nuts. I'd say that either Gorilla Grodd, Brainiac or the Cheetah is behind it. Those supervillians will do anything they can to keep me from getting the Word out.