Sunday, September 2, 2007

Fatwa Sundays

Since I have a personal relationship with our DC heroes and the Holy Starfleet Captains and I talk to the Martian Manhunter daily, I will begin giving orders in their names and telling all of you sinisters out there how the Justice League of America and Starfleet Command want you to behave. These will be simple instructions on how you can avoid Arkham Asylum or becoming assimilated by the Borg.

Worshipers of a comic book called the Quran have what they call fatwas.

A fatwa, according to Wikipedia is:

"a considered opinion in Islam made by a mufti, a scholar capable of issuing judgments on Sharia (Islamic law). Usually a fatwa is issued at the request of an individual or a judge to settle a question where fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) is unclear."

For example, Egyptian cleric, Ezzat Attiya has figured out a way for single men and women to work together without offending the heroes in their comic book:

"Our man is Ezzat Attiya, the creative Egyptian cleric who issued a fatwa saying that there was one way around the religious taboo against unmarried men and women working together. Women can breast-feed their male co-workers and legally become family."

Makes sense.

Being as that the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets has yet to install any of our own judges or pass laws that reflect DC and Federation values, I will take the burden upon myself to interpret the Word and apply them to our society. They will be "fatwas" to reflect the wishes of Batgirl and Captain Katheryn Janeway.

All this week I will be studying our legal issues and applying DC and Federation morals to them. My findings will be revealed on Sunday. Please take these fatwas on behalf of Superman, Wonder Woman and Captain Sisko seriously- lest you end up spending eternity within the walls of Arkham Asylum.



Chris James said...

Is it right to slaughter readers of Marvel and Darkhorse, or should they be protected as "people of the (comic) book?"

Elvis Drinkmo said...

No, it is not right for the DC Comictician to slaughter anybody. We simply need to kick evil doers asses into unconsciousness then drag them off to Arkham.

The Marvelites, however, are less discriminate about who they kill, but they do believe that we DC Comicticians are the People of the Comic Book and worthy of protection when they go on one of their killing sprees.

They say they believe that anyway- one look at Wolverine and the Punisher and anyone with common sense knows that they aren't comic books of peace and love. Marvelites also believe in Bruce Wayne, but they think he was just another resident of Gotham City and not the true Bat.