Thursday, September 6, 2007

From Our Readers

It's time now to answer some of the comments from our readers. It is important to understand that we here at the First Church are interested in your comments. Even though our elders may start a new file on you in the name of Batman, the second Robin, and the Holy Batgirl, we always appreciate any input that you have to offer. It's not too late for anyone to be saved from the walls of Arkham Asylum. The Martian Manhunter and Starfleet Command are always listening and They are ready for you to accept the Justice League of America and the Holy Starfleet Captains into your hearts.

Rosie from Smokey Mountain Breakdown writes about our dedication to the DC principles and our commitment to the United Federation of Planets:

The Temple of Anime'ism is confused by this. Would it not be better to make peace with the enemies...or at the very least sign a treaty to fend off the global damage of the coming Apocolips that we know about. Perhaps a treaty bearing the name of one of the Temple of Anime-ism's home cities...uh...Kyoto.

We don't fully understand the ways of Anime'theism, nor do we want to. If there's one thing we do know, we know that merely watching Anime or learning it's teachings is a one-way ticket to Arkham Asylum or Unimatrix One.

While Kyoto is considered an Earth capital on most major star charts that map out the United Federation of Planets, we really see no need to anything other than follow the teachings of Captain James T. Kirk and Wonder Woman. Once the world has accepted the Truth the Vulcans will arrive and expel the Legion of Doom and right any wrongs that humanity has done to this planet.

Jackie from Saved by the Torso writes:

Although I disagree with almost everything you DC-ites have to say I gotta tell you I love this blog. Really.

That being said I think we both know Prince Namor is way cooler than that other guy

Prince Namor is the false prophet from the Marvel Universe, who claims to rule Atlantis, while the Truth clearly shows us that this title belongs to Aquaman and Aquaman alone. We don't know if the Marvelites truly believe this blasphemy or if they have been struck by one of Gorilla Grodd's mind beams. Thankfully, the latter possibility has quelled the call amongst some of the elders to start burning people at the stake.

The Film Geek from The Film Geek wrote back in June when asked which of the Green Lanterns would our Democratic presidential contenders would choose to fight the Sinestro Corps if elected:

I do worry just a bit about Guy Gardner fans. I hope John Edwards digs Hal or Kyle.

It seems likely that all four Green Lanterns will be summoned to defend our sector against Sinestro and his evil minions. Personally, I think "Square" John Stewart will be an invaluable hero in this cosmic battle based on what I've learned from the scriptures of the Justice League Unlimited.

But it's important we not second guess the Guardians of the Universe. They chose Guy Gardner to wield the green power ring and no matter what our misgivings, it's not our place to challenge their wise decisions.

Anne Johnson from The Gods Are Bored writes about our Marvel biased media's attempt to sway non-believers from the Truth by promoting Spiderman suits:

I just invested heavily in Spiderman Suit technology. Sign me up, I wanna be a REAL hero!

Which means conflicted and pissed off all the time.

That may be true of false prophets and heroes like the Hulk, Ironman, and Cyclops, but the real Heroes are not pissed off, they just love the world so much that they must take their powers and their toys to new extremes to save us.

As for investing in a new Spiderman suit, I advise against it. Here we have clear choice: join forces with the JLA and spend eternity in the Hall of Justice or fall in the Marvelites and the Legion of Doom and spend eternity inside the walls of Arkham.

While discussing Christine Amanpour's special on world religions, Muze Euterpe from Muzings writes the following:

"While there is no equivalence being drawn between them, they do have in common the determined belief that only they have a direct line to God and the unique ability to interpret 'His truth.'"

Of the three, only one has failed to realize that wholesale slaughter of non-believers is an UNacceptalbe practice.

True. And we don't understand why Marvel heroes like the Punisher and the Hulk can't control themselves either. At least the mystic, but immoral ways of Anime'theism doesn't seem so intolerant. All we know is that Marvel fans need to put those false comic books away and discover the real comic books of peace and justice, DC Comics, before it's too late.

Chris James from the Sour Apple Tree asks:

Is it right to slaughter readers of Marvel and Darkhorse, or should they be protected as "people of the (comic) book?"

Slaughter is never an option. Beating people til they can't see no more is one way to make people understand our love and commitment to non-violence, but murder should only be employed in the most extreme instances. If Superman can spare Lex Luthor time and time again, then surely we can also find it in our hearts to spare his earthly operatives and Legion of Doom sympathizers. (The Marvelites consider us People of the Comic Book. They say we should be protected, but judging by the actions of the Punisher and Wolverine, I question their sincerity when they talk about peace.)

JDB from Infinity Ranch writes about our discovery that Drew Carey may be turning the Price is Right over to Batman's enemies:

Great, now I'm going to have a crisis of faith, Rev. Elvis. Drew (Carey) is the country's most visible soccer fan and a great ambassador for my favorite (non-automotive) sport. But you say he's in league with the Legion of Doom. Whatever shall I do? If I send money will it help?

Finding out that certain celebrities and politicians have been harboring Legion of Doom sympathies is always painful. When I discovered that Dick Cheney was on their roll, I couldn't believe such an honest and down-to-earth man of peace was secretly handing out contracts to the Black Manta in order to build super submarines which will undoubtedly be used against Aquaman, Atlantis, the JLA and all of humanity.

It's important to remember that we are all born with the Original Sinister; therefore susceptible to the temptation of heisting jewelry stores and banks. Only through the JLA can we find salvation. We can only hope that it's not too late for Drew to bow before the Watchtower and ask Jonn Jones for forgiveness.

(Please don't send money unless it's a donation over $1000. Money breeds evil which is why we will only accept it in large sums- so we can study that evil, of course.)

Jenny from Jennyville writes concerning the lessons that the Atom teaches us:

Did you type this with a straight face?

Oh, I agree that the Legion of Doom is serious business...
It's just the lengthy size discussion that got me giggling.

The Atom teaches us that size doesn't matter and yes, that even includes the size of things we'd rather not talk about in church. But we must be careful not to offend Ray Palmer with too much triviality, lest he turn our backs on us and leave us to perish in Amazo's evil hands.

Thank you all for coming. Please remember that we are always here to answer your questions and help guide you in the ways of the Justice League of America and the United Federation of Planets.


Anne Johnson said...

My guess is that all the interesting folks go to Arkham. Personally, I'd even choose Azkaban over spending eternity with (YAWN) Batman and Robin.

Rosie said...

So is Arkham some sort of permanent separation from Batman and Robin and the rest of the heavily muscled wonder people? And will I still be able to sit in a darkened room watching all 95 episodes of Rurouni Kenshin consecutively at one sitting for as long as it takes? (about 28 hours)

Uh...cause...I'm okay with that.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

No Rosie, Arkham is a terrible place. There is screaming and people gnashing their teeth and pulling their hair. The Joker will be there bullying people around. You won't even be able to hear yourself think.

But worst of all, when we are sent to Arkham, we are separated from the Justice League.

Eternity with the Batgirl or eternity with the Penguin. The choice belongs to all of us.