Saturday, May 31, 2008

Natural Disasters

In case you missed it, Sharon Stone stirred some controversy when she stated that the recent earthquake in China was caused by Karma; in an effort to seek out revenge for the government's brutal treatment of the Tibetan people.

So the Elders and I decided to launch our own investigation. We got out a few books like the Dhammapada, Upanisads, Bhagavad-Gita and a few books about something called "Zen" to see what we could find. It didn't us take long to give up our research because none of these books had any pictures in them or frame by frame action or characters attempting to teach us eternal wisdom through speech balloons. We can only assume that this hero they call Karma is the same as all the rest; no utility belts, planes or cool cars, and certainly no idea on how to command a Galaxy-class starship.

We would like to call out to our friends who get derive their knowledge and wisdom through comic books with no pictures and people who find their spirituality inside faiths that have never even ran a weekly television show. We would like to tell them that this kind of thinking is complete nonsense.

There is a better explanation on why people endure these bouts of nasty weather and wicked natural occurrences.

It is because we as a people have turned our backs on the Justice League and Starfleet. No, our Heroes do not cause these natural disasters, supervillians do. But they have the ability to stop them if we could only bring ourselves to ask.

Picture this: the Weather Wizard decides to reek havoc upon humanity because he is evil and loves to see people in fear. The Flash has stopped him on numerous occasions. But if we can't even be bothered to get out bed one day of the week to gather and offer Him thanks, why should He bother to get out of bed and stop the Weather Wizard or any other member of the Rouge's Gallery when they decide to rob and steal and create massive diversions in order to do so.

You see, the answers to all these problems are simple if you just stop and think about it for a few minutes. There isn't any need to understand or explain things like earthquakes in terms of tectonic plates or any other kind of scientific mumbo jumbo. There are forces at work out to destroy us all and if we don't surrender ourselves to Batgirl and the JLA, we will all perish. Bad things only happen to bad people and bad people is anyone who doesn't have enough faith in the Batcave and anyone who refuses to acknowledge that Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinisters.

If we live right and follow the path laid out for us by DC Comics and Star Trek, everyday for all the world will be warm, breezy, and filled with rays of sunshine.


Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Only Message Anyone Need Concern Themselves With

Just letting everyone know what will be missing from the Second Annual Conference Religion and Media in Tehran.

I hope they all enjoy their stay at Arkham.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Guess We Weren't Invited

It would seem that the world's pictureless comic book fans are having a gathering to discuss religion and the media. Since we represent the only one True faith and also present weekly media coverage on the imminent threat posed by the Legion of Doom, we can only assume our invitation got lost in the mail.

Here is a description of the event from their website:

It is a pleasure to invite you to join the media researchers and scholars, representatives from diverse religious traditions, professionals and students involved with the subjects of the conference who will gather in Tehran in November 2008 to explore the complex relationship among religion and media. The purpose of the conference is to share developments in and research on religion and media (with emphasis on Television and Radio).

What's really surprising about us not receiving an invitation is the fact that Iran has always been noted for its consistent religious tolerance and open-minded approach to different views on the subject of culture and religious thought. Perhaps because we use subspace channels to spread our wisdom instead of TV and radio the organizers of this momentous event feel we wouldn't have anything to contribute. Or maybe Tehran is still embarrassed about the Ayatollah Khomeini appointing the Joker to the position of ambassador to the US right after he killed the second Robin, they felt we would automatically decline.

Nevertheless, the voice of Hawkgirl and the Green Lantern will not be heard at this gathering. The only people who stand to lose from this omission are the good, decent people of Sector 2814 who stand firm against Sinestro, Lex Luthor, and everything that is truly evil.


Sunday, May 25, 2008

Why Not Ask the Real Religious Experts

We stumbled across this article from the Ottawa Citizen under the subtitle Ask the Religion Experts:

Question: If an intelligent life form with free will were found elsewhere in the universe, how would that affect your faith group? Would it change your theology?

A: The most immediate impact is that we would try to sign them up as members!

I guess my first curiosity would be to find out if these life forms, with their free will, set up houses of prayer, and if so, what religion they embrace.

Kidding aside, the existence of other life forms would be an exciting reality were it to unfold. If we contemplated this from a big picture perspective, it would certainly enhance our appreciation of God as the Creator of more than just one world.

We have thankfully outgrown the notion of many gods, each representing a different nation or ethnic group. We correctly perceive God as being Lord of the entire universe. The bigger the universe, the greater the glory of God.

So what part of the Truth that can only be found in DC Comics and Five Holy Star Trek Shows did this "theologian" miss? What kind of blasphemous heresy promotes the idea that there may or may not be other sentient beings in the universe? What path are these people trying to lead us down when they deny the existence of OA and the Guardians who have assembled the Green Lantern Corps to protect us from the evil doers and defend our way of life? Do they really believe that Superman came from Kansas and not the planet Krypton? Are these people so bereft of belief and hope that they fail to understand the Vulcans are coming down from the sky to wash us of our sinsters and save our planet from impending doom?

Perhaps we should come to expect this from people who follow a god who doesn't even know about the Warp Drive. One thing is for certain, they will never come to the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets for answers. If they did, the Truth would likely blind them quicker than the bright yellow light that comes from the blast of a Klingon disrupter.

You see, once you've accepted Captain James T. Kirk and the Batman into your heart, your mind is open to various dimensions and other forms of life that are as real as unicorns and dragons. Woe is the person who doesn't understand that there are talking rocks, space faring molds, gelatinous shape-shifters, and millions of other humanoid species scattered across four different quadrants because of the ingenious genetic technology scattered about by an ancient dying race.

Friends, it is only on this planet and in this dimension that people fear weak-ass sissy villains like Satan and bumbling, incompetent idiots like the Antichrist. The rest of the galaxy knows that the real threats lie with the Borg Collective and a secret society of supervillains called the Legion of Doom.

It's not too late for you to step into the light. Embrace Starfleet and the Hall of Justice and you will know what path you should be following. The alternative is an afterlife of agony with the Borg Collective or the doctors at Arkham Asylum. Choose wisely.

Friday, May 23, 2008

A Righteous Brew

Last weekend I enjoyed one of the best damn beers I ever tasted. It was brewed by my homeboy, Jackie. And friends, I mean to tell you- it was one awesome bottle of beer. We're not sure if the High Priests of Spiderman or the Green Goblin presided over this creation, but whichever it was, it has brought us one step closer to healing the rift between the teachings that can be found within the sacred scrolls of DC and Marvel Comics.

With permission from the Intergalactic Board of Elders, tonight, I will be enjoying this second bottle of beer as I study the ways of the Batman and Green Lantern in the everlasting search for the meaning of life and to seek out new rules to impose upon the readers of this blog and the followers of this church.

As you can see in the picture, this second bottle came with a warning label placed there presumably by Mrs. Lantern. So if there are no blog entries here for the next couple of weeks then it is safe to assume that I've gone to be with my Heroes in the Hall of Justice.

So far, two swigs down and I haven't gone blind.

Thank you, Jackie for the homemade beer (and the holy, kick ass and righteous Misfits CD.)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Batman Camp


It's been awhile since we had a heart to heart discussion about the horrors of Arkham Asylum. I have neglected to remind you all that if you do not follow the righteous path laid out by the DC Scriptures you will end up spending eternity wrapped in a straight jacket while sadistic doctors poke and prod you in no uncertain terms. There will be screaming and people gnashing their teeth. It's just an all around nasty place to be and you can avoid it by giving yourself to the Justice League of America and praying to Batgirl every night before you go to sleep.

Ask yourself, if you were to develop a large brain clot and keel over onto the floor at work tomorrow, would you be getting hauled off on a stretcher to Arkham? Or would your soul go on to meet with Superdog at the glorious gates leading to the Hall of Justice?

What inspired me to remind you of this choice we all face is a documentary I watched last night called "Jesus Camp". What a great way for young children to spend their summers. The only problem I saw with this youth retreat is that they were giving praise to some wimpy hero in toga named Jesus Christ and that comic book character known as God who we all know can't even command a Galaxy class starship.

Instead of frightening young children with some big Halloween party called "hell" and using stuffed animals to inspire terror, they should have been smacking those kids in the back of their heads with baterangs until they started crying and bowing down on their knees confessing all their sinsiters to Batman.

That is why we'd like to launch our own summer camp. A camp where the kids to learn to jump from ten story buildings and learn how to fight with bat'leths. A camp where children can learn to slice each other up with green power rings and shoot arrows filled with explosives and shards of metal and shrapnel. In other words, a camp filled with good, clean wholesome fun where kids can learn about real spirituality.

The only problem we can see is that your children might not be coming home.

So if you're interested in letting your children experience the Almighty ways of the Bat, sign them up now. It's the least you can do for their little souls.

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets

Good morning, friends.

Many of us ask ourselves, what does it mean to be a Star Trekiologist? We wonder aloud if we're really living the way the Prophet Gene Roddenberry intended us to. Are we living a life worthy of Captain Jean Luc Picard? Or are we becoming so influenced by the Borg Collective that we have all lost our way for all eternity.

Turn with me please to Star Trek TOS Season 1: 23.

Verily, Captain James T. Kirk saith unto the people of Armenia and to Annon 7,

But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with blood of a million savage years on our hands. But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers. But we're not going to kill, to-day. That's all it takes. That we're not going to kill, to-day.

You see, Captain Kirk accepts us and loves us for who we are. He knows that we as noncommissioned officers are prone to follow our instincts. But we can fight those instincts and walk the path laid out for us by Starfleet.

As a reminder of our barbaric natures our eternal engineer, Mr. Scott, tells us that the best diplomat He knows is a fully charged phaser bank. But this passage has misinterpreted by scholars who have studied the Star Trek scrolls. What Scotty meant is that we should point our phasers at our enemies; not at each other.

Captain Picard gives us encouragement. From Star Trek TNG Season 7:8

And so Captain Picard was certain that He would escape to smite thine enemies, He saith unto Dr. Beverly Crusher,

The important thing during any confinement is to think positively and not give up hope. There is a way out of every box; a solution to every puzzle. It's simply a matter of finding it.

Captain Picard also knows of our daily struggles. For He was once assimilated by the Borg and was brought back to the Federation light so that He could deliver us and offer the Truth to those who will listen.

We must rise above our petty bickering and pull together if we are to one day become a city on the hill reflecting the values and decency that is the United Federation of Planets.


Thursday, May 15, 2008

A Prayer for Ingenuity- Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott

Good morning.

Let us bow our heads.

Dear Mr. Scott,

We thank you for all that you have done to keep the Enterprise's warp drive online. Without you we could not explore strange new worlds to seek out new life and new civilizations.

Scotty, we ask that you watch over us as we try to mend our own warp cores and covert the dilithium crystals of our era into anti-matter. Just as you spent a hundred years suspended in animation after a beam out to nowhere only to rematerialize and discover the Klingons had become Federation allies; so should we prepare ourselves for the future and what awaits us.

Only you could stare down a warbird in Romulan space when your glory was filling in for Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock when they were out on away missions. Only you could beam Starfleet officers of line out of trouble just in the nick of time.

Our beloved Mr. Scott, how great thou art. Truly yours is of the divine inspiration that we could never replicate.

In the name of engineering we pray to you.


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

West Virginia Chooses

Oh my, what a big day this has been.

All of the votes are in and West Virginia has nominated Captain Kathryn Janeway to lead us into battle against all our enemies. Captain Janeway of the Starship Voyager crushed all opposition with a 23 point lead over Captain Benjamin Sisko of Deep Space Nine.

We're really impressed with the turnout. 13 people voted- which is more than double the number we originally projected. People are starting to get actively involved with the daily affairs of Starfleet Command and this is yet another terrific sign that democracy and the principles of the United Federation of Planets are still holding strong in our state.

Analysts have speculated that Captain Janeway's "do or die" attitude as well as her bold and blunt style of command appeals to most West Virginians and that she alleviates many of the fears our people have on the upcoming Borg invasion.

The experts also believe that Captain Sisko's relative inexperience hurt him today because, as they are quick to point out, Sisko was a only a commander in the first three seasons of Deep Space Nine. The professional pundits also believe that Captain Janeway has an appeal with working class citizens. While Captain Sisko rarely ate meals outside of his quarters, Captain Janeway could often be found in the mess hall sharing replicated beverages with her crew. Truly, Kathryn Janeway is a Captain for the masses.

And it should be noted that no Starfleet officer has successfully waged a battle against any of our intergalactic foes with out West Virginia's support. That's how Bones got his commission as chief medical officer aboard the Enterprise. Actually, Dr. McCoy was from Georgia, but, well, it's close enough. Hell, the brass in San Fransisco don't know the difference.

Nevertheless, the exciting turn out today can be directly attributed to the exciting campaigns waged by both these excellent Starfleet Captains. They have both, once again, risen to challenge and gave the people a voice in a galaxy full of immorality and hostile aliens.

So we congratulate Captain Kathryn Janeway for her rise to victory and on becoming the official Starfleet Captain of West Virginia who will one day lead us across the galaxy. Now, if there is someway we could talk her into taking Governor Joe Manchin on her next warp flight to the Delta Quadrant...........


Sunday, May 11, 2008

How Will You Vote on Tuesday?

One more day before West Virginia votes in the primary. Tensions are running high; the media has their cameras on us. So it's time we get serious and talk about something of real importance. We don't take major events like this lightly.

Which Starfleet Captain do you think was better officer: Benjamin Sisko from Deep Space Nine or Kathryn Janeway from the Starship Voyager?

This is perhaps the most important decision you'll ever make because the outcome of your future could be decided by who leads you into battle with the Borg. Which of these two captains would rather serve under?

Now for some in-depth coverage of the Captains.

Captain Kathryn Janeway:


- She navigated her ship home from the other side of the galaxy in the Delta Quadrant.

- She stopped a dangerous alien called Species 8427 from invading our galaxy and conquering us all.


- She is the first woman to bring you weekly lessons from the captain's chair of a Starfleet vessel.

- She will fight until her last dying breath, even if it means flying her ship through a protostar or becoming temporarily assimilated by Borg.

Captain Benjamin Sisko:


- He stopped the Dominion from taking over the Alpha Quadrant and destroying our way of life.

- He discovered the wormhole aliens and opened a gateway into the Gamma Quadrant for exploration.


- He is the first African-American to bring you weekly Star Trek teachings from the captain's chair.

- He is noted for bringing various aliens together to fight for a common cause (even the Romulans).

Vote Now (and you don't have to be from West Virginia to vote). Feel free to leave a comment because if you lived by the word of Star Trek and die tomorrow, Starfleet may be assigning you to serve under one of these two fine officers.

Priestyish-like Hat Tip to Hoyt from Donut Buzz for the poll site reference.


Saturday, May 10, 2008

Playing Cards Pt. 5

You'll never believe where I got this deck of cards.

They weren't behind the pharmacy counter or hidden from plain view. I didn't even buy these cards at the cash register beside the lighters and the eye glasses fix-it kits. No. These cards were given to my wife at work, which means that either the Joker or Harley Quinn are operating somewhere just off the Ohio River somewhere between Weirton and Huntington.

I mean just look at these cards. Not just two Jokers anymore, but four. The stakes have never been higher and our national security has never been at greater risk. Our society's moral fiber is being challenged and instead of preparing for this challenge, everyone is out waiting in line to watch the new Iron Man movie.

What we have here is attempt by the Legion of Doom to plant the Joker's face in every home in America so that when they begin their assault, our children will join them in the fight to destroy everything that is moral and decent. This cannot be allowed to stand and we must take action now. Remember, we aren't a defensive church, we're an offensive one.

So your fifth task in ridding your homes of things that might make your children grow up to be psychopathic killers with an insatiable desire for crime is to find all your decks of cards and get rid of the ones that represent that Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker. Otherwise, the Batman might come to your window in the middle of the night when you least expect it. If you aren't prepared for Him and embraced His love and His teachings, He is going to send you straight to Arkham Asylum.

Just so we're clear, we're not placing a ban on all playing cards. After all, one of the ways you can teach children some of the finer points in life is to sit them down with a can of beer and a few cigars for a few rounds of poker. Tell them to get their allowance money out there on the table so you can take it all by the end of the night. Then tell them to go home and get more allowance money so you can win that all too. Believe me those quarters and dimes will add up after a few hours. (Plus, I'm looking forward to the day when I can get together Hoyt and the Film Geek and hopefully some of my other blogger friends too so I can whip up on them in a few rounds of Poker, Hearts or Spades.)

But if we leave those Joker card in the deck while we're taking these kids' lunch money, we are teaching our children that it is perfectly OK and normal to emerge from an green bath full of acid to reek havoc on humanity. Clearly, we owe them better by setting good examples. So please, find your decks of cards and throw out or burn those ones that resemble one of Batman's most deadly enemies.

This concludes our Legion of Doom Awareness Week. We hope that you've taken all we said to heart because these arch-criminals our there and they are coming for you and your family. Our very way of life hangs in the balance and if we don't take a proactive stance against this evil now then we will forever be lost in a swamp run by Lex Luthor, Black Manta, and Bizarro Superman.


Friday, May 9, 2008

The Color Yellow Pt. 4

Just the other day, my grandkids and I were coloring. Granted it was a Spiderman coloring book complete with pictures of Venom and all. But that's the price a High Priest of DC Comics pays when he strives to become more open-minded and more tolerant of strange ideas and beliefs.

But something else was wrong. I noticed my grandson was coloring away and the crayon he was using was the color yellow.

I was alarmed. Yellow. The only color from the spectrum that can defeat the Green Lantern.

How could Crayola be so careless as to expose young people to the very color of Sinestro's evil power ring? The same he uses against to strike terror in the hearts of beings from all over the galaxy.

So I found their phone number and demanded to know why they were supporting the Legion of Doom. I asked them why they refused to support the troops from the Green Lantern Corps by removing this wickedness from their crayon boxes. The woman I spoke with hung up the phone without answering any of my questions.

So this is what we've become here in America. A nation that not only allows the color yellow to exist, but promotes it on stop lights and state road workers' rain jackets. And people wonder why our economy is slumping and why we're prone to so many natural disasters. We've turned our backs on the Green Lantern and the Guardians of Oa and now we're paying the price.

So your fourth task toward keeping your home Legion of Doom-free and protecting your children from everything that is evil is to throw away anything you have that contains the color yellow. Get rid of any shirt, hats, piece of furniture with any yellow on it. Paints, crayons, pencils- they've got to go. Any paintings with yellow- throw them out. Bananas, get rid of them. And don't you ever, ever again buy an apple from the store that's yellow.

The next thing you need to do is paint all of your window seals green. This will ensure that Sinestro will not enter your home and steal your children while they're sleeping at night.

The Green Lantern Corps is out there in the galaxy keeping you free and protecting your way of life. The least you can do is show them a little support by ridding your lives and your house of the color yellow for good.


Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Mirror is a Gateway to Treachery and Evil Pt. 3

Today's Legion of Doom Awareness Awareness Week:

Do you have a mirror in your home? In your living room? In your bathroom? Your truck? Your purse?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are worshiping a dangerous supervillian whether you know it or not. That dastardly criminal your subconscious secretly admires is known as The Mirror Master. Mirrors may seem like glass that cast your reflection back at you, but what they really are is gateways and portals for the Mirror Master to come through so that he can reek havoc upon all of civilization as we know it.

There is nothing cute or funny about giving homage this fiend who helped form the Rouge's Gallery to oppose our Scarlett Speedster, the Flash. While the Flash was out are saving us from our sinisters, Mirror Master was in cahoots with Captain Boomerang, the Trickster, Weather Wizard, the Top, and Captain Cold to try to put end to the fastest man alive.

Yet here people are with rear view mirrors, checking their hair or seeing who's behind them on the highway. Never once do these people stop to consider how much danger they're putting us all in. The Mirror Master could pop right out and kill the driver and everyone within ten miles in order to get to the Flash and seek out his twisted sense of revenge.

So if you want your homes free of evil, get rid of all your mirrors. Get rid of all the mirrors in your desks and pocketbooks. Smash the side mirrors off your car with a baseball bat and while you're at it- smash your neighbor's off to. This is the least we can do to help stop crime in our neighborhoods and prevent card carrying members of the Legion of Doom from gaining yet another advantage over the minds of our children.

And speaking of the children, I think it's high time we removed all the mirrors from our public schools too. What does are we trying to say to the kids when we so willing embrace the very symbol of the Flash's greatest nemesis. Like ice and ice machines, mirrors should not be allowed within a hundred yards of any school. After all, what is more important than the safety of our children?

So you've got a list of things to avoid and keep away from your homes:

1) Ice
2) Plant life
3) Mirrors

Two more days to go and two more ways to show how you can keep your home Legion of Doom free.


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Beware of Poison Ivy (and we ain't talkin' bout the kind that makes you itch.) Pt. 2

When I look around I see people everywhere letting weeds and plants grow in their yard and I say to myself, "I had no idea that so many people worshiped that treacherous villain, Poison Ivy."

If that isn't bad enough, these people let their children run around and play in these yards full of plants- both wild and domesticated. So what are we trying to teach them?

So we say unto you: Beware of Poison Ivy. Don't be fooled by her charm and her grace. These are just more of her weapons that she uses to destroy all things that are decent. She is the embodiment of pure evil and is bent on ruling the world and destroying our way of life.

So you're probably wondering, "Reverend D., what can we do around our homes to prevent the spread of Poison Ivy and her twisted ways?" Well, one thing's for certain- Calamine lotion ain't going to do nothing.

The first step we need to take is to eliminate all plant life from our homes and yards. Not all plants are devoted Poison Ivy's sinister plans, but why take the chance? Kill everything in your yard from the grass to to the dandelions to the daisies. Chop down any trees you have near your house so that they don't get the chance to turn on you. It's not like we need them to breath or anything. Besides, it's better to live on nothing but dirt and mud than to live without the word of Batgirl.

Second, don't fool around with those wimpy pesticides that cause bird cancer or a few minor mutations in the animal gene pool, just get a few big canisters of gasoline (while it's cheap) and pour the stuff around everywhere- even all over yourself if you think the plants may have gotten to you and spread Poison Ivy's filth into your blood stream. Taking this simple step toward purifying our homes will ensure that the plants will never come back to invade your home and fill your children's minds with wrong thinking.

Don't worry about the ill effects that all this will have on the environment. In less than fifty years the Vulcans are coming down from the sky and they will fix everything. And we don't need vegetables, for it's common knowledge that anyone can live on nothing but double cheeseburgers and Sprees. If the cows don't have grass to eat, we'll just teach them to eat Sprees too.

So we're left with a simple choice. Side with the plants and their master Poison Ivy and go straight to Arkham or do as the leaders of the church tell to you to and earn an afterlife of eternal bliss with Batman and Robin inside the Hall of Justice.


Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Keeping Your Homes Free of Evil Supervillain Influences Pt . 1

In this day and age, many people think it's "cool" to put ice in their drinks and load their cars full of bagged ice to take to a picnic. Middle-class Americans everywhere have ice machines in their freezers and put ice in their tea. Young people these days even drink their coffee mixed with ice and call it an "iced cappuccino".

Is this an acceptable practice in the eyes of a true DC Comictician?


Having ice around the house, in coolers, and in your freezer is a clear sign that you worship Captain Cold, Mr. Freeze, Minister Blizzard, Killer Frost, and Icicle. Putting ice in your drinks and mutating coffee into some kind of cold slushy drink are acts of sheer wickedness and blasphemy which should be avoided at all costs if you wish to someday enter the Hall of Justice.

Imagine what we're saying to our children on a hot summer day when you place ice cubes in their lemon aid or their Kool-Aid. In essence, you are telling them that it is OK to grow up and don a gaudy costume and hurt a bunch of people by zapping them with freeze guns. When you offer them a glass of ice water you are teaching them that it is perfectly normal to become a psychopathic killer who absorbs heat and converts it into deadly ice blasts to throw at people from her hands.

Our families deserve better.

So this is your first task toward ridding this nation of all Legion of Doom influence. Throw out your ice machines. Only stay in motels where no ice machines are visible and don't listen to or allow your children to listen to any rappers with the word "ice" in their names like: Ice Cube, Ice T., or Vanilla Ice.

If you can't refrigerate your beverage, don't dare put ice cubes in it. Don't ice down your beer in your coolers when you're out with your buddies, just drink it piss warm. A little bit of vomiting is better for your mind and spirit than being separated from the Justice League's love and wisdom.

Lastly, we need to convince our local and state governments to start passing laws that will ban ice and ice machines from being within one hundred yards from any public school. Surely, Governor Joe Manchin can get behind this simple common sense approach to reclaim our moral values and keep our kids safe from the ill effects that ice can have on a young mind. I mean if we have to be profiled, registered, and fingerprinted by pharmacy techs every time we buy a box of cold medicine than we should be at least as concerned about our children falling prey to some sinister plot hatched from the diabolical mind of Mr. Freeze.

And if your kids complain about their hot cans or bottles of pop at the pool this summer, just remind them that this is much more preferable to the alternative- spending an eternity in Arkham Asylum where the only cold drink they'll receive will be administered through their arms by some demented psychotherapist.

Keeping ice away from children and avoiding it ourselves is the least we can do to ensure our freedom and our safety.


Monday, May 5, 2008

National Security and Family Values

This comes from Family Security Matters:

One might ask why it is important to understand the relation between the Leftist/Marxist/Islamist Alliance and the Emerging Movement among Churches and Mosques. It is because it indicates the movement of a historically conservative church and other organizations into the fold. These Emerging Church and Mosque Movements are the elephants in the pew. The Radical Islamist Movement has realized that the tactical weapons of terrorism and suicide bombing may not be achieving their goal for world domination, and that seduction, economics and political action are more effective in winning the war. In this essay, I address how the Leftist/Marxist/Islamist Alliance is approaching the goal of achieving a one religion/one-world government.

The public failure of the Soviet Union in 1991 interred Lenin’s theory of social causation in his Red Square casket, although, like Dracula, the monster occasionally climbs out of its casket and wanders through American college campuses and churches, seeking whom it may devour.

Give us a break. Lenin's theories crawling out his casket like Dracula to stalk college campuses and churches?

These people need a reality check.

There is only one organization dedicated to world domination and they call themselves the Legion of Doom. And if we don't begin preparing for their insidious and evil plans we will all fall prey to Lex Luthor and the Joker. We need to live out every single minute of our lives in fear of the things they will do to us in their quest for power and the occasional diamond heist. Hide under your beds and be afraid of your own shadow; for only the Justice League of America can save us.

V.I. Lenin has never emerged from the grave, but Solomon Grundy has.

This ain't no fuckin' joke! You better start paying attention, people. You better start praying to Batgirl that Killer Frost doesn't set her sights on your house because she's out there and she wants you and your children.

This is why the Elders hereby pronounce this: Legion of Doom Awareness Week.

That's right. All this week, we'll be reminding you of ways that you can resist the influences of Gorilla Grodd, Giganta, Scarecrow, Toyman, Captain Cold and the all things the really, really bad things threaten our very way of life everyday. So stay tuned.


Saturday, May 3, 2008


The Elders and I are always out looking for different comic books and works of science fiction so that we may understand how infidels, heretics, and nonbelievers think. It's hard for us to imagine how people can rise out of bed every morning without kneeling toward Gotham City and declaring, "Bruce Wayne is the only Batman and Robin is His Partner". And we can't understand how anyone can go to bed each night without praying to Batgirl for forgiveness and asking Her to watch over you as you sleep. There is something missing in the lives of people who refuse to believe that Superman can't leap tall buildings with a single bound. We wish to understand them.

In our journeys, we've discovered many comic book characters that we're fond of even though we can't fathom worshipping them. We've found characters like Spawn, the Powerpuff Girls, Commander Adama, King David, Jesus Christ, and Bugs Bunny to be very entertaining.

So then we come across this work of fiction that is known as Scientology. People must understand that when the faithful DC Comictician comes across the word "religion", we expect capes, cowls, masks, superpowers, cool gadgets, and serious ass kicking to be present in all aspects of each differing world philosophy. We figured that Scientology would be filled with scientists who harbored secret identities and used their skills and knowledge to go out every night and bash the face of evil.

But we were wrong. According to Wikipedia,

Scientology's beliefs and related techniques comprise 18 basic books, and 3,000 recorded lectures. There is no single Scientology book that is the equivalent of the Bible or the Qur'an, but the study of Scientology is achieved through the chronological study of its basic books and lectures.

Scientology describes itself as "the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life," and "encompasses all aspects of life from the point of view of the spirit" — including "auditing" and training in morals, ethics, detoxification, education and management.

Prime among Scientology's beliefs is "that man is a spiritual being whose existence spans more than one life and who is endowed with abilities well beyond those which he normally considers he possesses." Scientology believes man to be basically good, that his experiences have led him into evil, that he errs because he seeks to solve his problems by considering only his own point of view, and that man can improve to the degree he preserves his spiritual integrity and remains honest and decent. According to the Church, the ultimate goal is: "a civilization without insanity, without criminals and without war, where the able can prosper and honest beings can have rights, and where man is free to rise to greater heights."

The Church of Scientology declares that the goal of Scientology is to achieve "certainty of one’s spiritual existence and one’s relationship to the Supreme Being," and says that Scientology's tenets are not a matter of faith but of testable practice: "That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true."

What madness.

People are "endowed with abilities well beyond those which he normally considers he possesses"? Only members of the Justice League and Justice Society are endowed with those abilities. And who the hell is this Supreme Being? If he is so supreme why hasn't he applied for membership with the JLA? Does this "being" not realize that the greatest threat we face today is from the Legion of Doom and all their sympathizors in Washington?

And man is not essentially good. Everyone is born with the Original Sinister and Gorilla Grodd's mind beams sent from the Legion of Doom's headquarters only serve to amplify these sinister impulses. Why can't people understand that in order to bring back goodness, we need to spend more time praying to Hawkgirl and asking the Black Canary to save us.

Now, to be fair, we also seek a world without insanity and arch-criminals. But we're rational enough to understand that the only way we can accomplish this is by putting Batman's picture back in the classroom and posting the Justice League's Ten Commandments on every wall of every public institution in the country. Crime will not end until we start convincing our mayors and commissioners to start hanging the Bat signal over every courthouse and city building in America. This is just simple logic, folks.

It's ironic that these Scientologists would subscribe to a faith that condemns insanity and psychologists because unless they give up their twisted beliefs and embrace the JLA as the only true saviors, they're going to find out what insanity and evil psychology really mean once their eternal souls are sent straight to Arkham Asylum.


Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Eugenics Wars

People are always coming to me after Sunday service and saying,

Reverend D., we know that your heart is filled with Captain Kirk's love and that your lips are filled with the wisdom offered to us by Starfleet Command. We know that every word you say is true and that the Elders always know what's best for us.

We also accept the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets' firm stand on how every single word from every single Star Trek episode is meant to be taken as the literal Truth. But Reverend High Priest, we don't understand how the Eugenics Wars could have happened in 1990s as the scriptures have taught us. Please spare us the burden of having to think for ourselves and explain how this inaccuracy could be.

And so I say unto them and anyone who will listen to the Truth,

My children,

We have to accept the fact that there are some things in this world that are just too complicated to understand. Just because we didn't see the Eugenic Wars or hear of the name Khan in our history books doesn't mean that they weren't as real as the rainbow.

You see, time might have worked differently for the Prophet Gene Roddenberry. For him, seconds could have meant years; minutes could have meant centuries. To us, the 1990s started in the year 1991 and ended in the year 2000. But for Roddenberry, the 1990s could have meant something entirely different and only our five Holy Starfleet Captains know what the Prophet meant when he used the phrase, 'the 90's'. The 90s could have been a frame of mind or angles that certain planets take in relation to others. Only Starfleet knows and our job is to believe and to pray; not to question the meaning of such insignificant things as dates and time lines.

Non-believers will tell you that just because we didn't see the Eugenics Wars on CBS News or read about Khan in the New York Times, they didn't exist or that they won't exist or that they aren't happening right now. These are the same people who grew in a public school system that teaches worthless skills like math and critical thinking. Their teachers taught them that the scientific method is the only to measure ideas and totally dismiss the fact that faith alone is just as effective at proving things are real.

It is a well known fact that there are flaws in Darwin's theory of evolution and that scientists can't pinpoint the exact moment the earth was actually formed. This proves that there are Vulcans out there exploring the galaxy who will eventually come to earth and save us all from ourselves. It proves that the Borg Collective is expanding in the Delta Quadrant and are preparing for an all assault on Earth after which they will undoubtedly being carrying off all the nihilists and heretics who refuse to embrace the teachings of Captain Jean Luc Picard.

Besides, it doesn't really matter what the Prophet Roddenberry meant when he wrote "the 1990's" in our holy scriptures. What matters is that we remember that Mr. Spock gave His life defending the Enterprise so that He could be resurrected on the Genesis planet to walk across the stars and form lasting truce with the Klingon Empire.

So there you have it. The Eugenics Wars and interpretations of what really constitutes the 1990's are a matter a belief which fall outside the realm of science and rationality. If you can't embrace this simple piece of wisdom, enjoy having your eyeballs pulled out and arms ripped off when the Borg finally catch up with you and your non-believer ways.