Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Keeping Your Homes Free of Evil Supervillain Influences Pt . 1

In this day and age, many people think it's "cool" to put ice in their drinks and load their cars full of bagged ice to take to a picnic. Middle-class Americans everywhere have ice machines in their freezers and put ice in their tea. Young people these days even drink their coffee mixed with ice and call it an "iced cappuccino".

Is this an acceptable practice in the eyes of a true DC Comictician?


Having ice around the house, in coolers, and in your freezer is a clear sign that you worship Captain Cold, Mr. Freeze, Minister Blizzard, Killer Frost, and Icicle. Putting ice in your drinks and mutating coffee into some kind of cold slushy drink are acts of sheer wickedness and blasphemy which should be avoided at all costs if you wish to someday enter the Hall of Justice.

Imagine what we're saying to our children on a hot summer day when you place ice cubes in their lemon aid or their Kool-Aid. In essence, you are telling them that it is OK to grow up and don a gaudy costume and hurt a bunch of people by zapping them with freeze guns. When you offer them a glass of ice water you are teaching them that it is perfectly normal to become a psychopathic killer who absorbs heat and converts it into deadly ice blasts to throw at people from her hands.

Our families deserve better.

So this is your first task toward ridding this nation of all Legion of Doom influence. Throw out your ice machines. Only stay in motels where no ice machines are visible and don't listen to or allow your children to listen to any rappers with the word "ice" in their names like: Ice Cube, Ice T., or Vanilla Ice.

If you can't refrigerate your beverage, don't dare put ice cubes in it. Don't ice down your beer in your coolers when you're out with your buddies, just drink it piss warm. A little bit of vomiting is better for your mind and spirit than being separated from the Justice League's love and wisdom.

Lastly, we need to convince our local and state governments to start passing laws that will ban ice and ice machines from being within one hundred yards from any public school. Surely, Governor Joe Manchin can get behind this simple common sense approach to reclaim our moral values and keep our kids safe from the ill effects that ice can have on a young mind. I mean if we have to be profiled, registered, and fingerprinted by pharmacy techs every time we buy a box of cold medicine than we should be at least as concerned about our children falling prey to some sinister plot hatched from the diabolical mind of Mr. Freeze.

And if your kids complain about their hot cans or bottles of pop at the pool this summer, just remind them that this is much more preferable to the alternative- spending an eternity in Arkham Asylum where the only cold drink they'll receive will be administered through their arms by some demented psychotherapist.

Keeping ice away from children and avoiding it ourselves is the least we can do to ensure our freedom and our safety.



Malach the Merciless said...

I feel cold

Mild Red (The Person Formerly Known As Ananke) said...

I hear some people are even putting ice in their coffins!!!! Well, before they're in them but still.... ;-)

Jackie said...

This post should be on the front page of every major newspaper!

Gotta go, AI is getting ready to come on... :D

Elvis Drinkmo said...

I think you're on to something, Jackie. I wonder if the Charleston Gazette would let me write a weekly column on how we can save ourselves from the Legion of Doom and their influences by giving ourselves to the Justice League of America.

Mild Red,

People are putting ice in their coffins! They must be preparing for that long journey to Arkham.