Saturday, May 3, 2008


The Elders and I are always out looking for different comic books and works of science fiction so that we may understand how infidels, heretics, and nonbelievers think. It's hard for us to imagine how people can rise out of bed every morning without kneeling toward Gotham City and declaring, "Bruce Wayne is the only Batman and Robin is His Partner". And we can't understand how anyone can go to bed each night without praying to Batgirl for forgiveness and asking Her to watch over you as you sleep. There is something missing in the lives of people who refuse to believe that Superman can't leap tall buildings with a single bound. We wish to understand them.

In our journeys, we've discovered many comic book characters that we're fond of even though we can't fathom worshipping them. We've found characters like Spawn, the Powerpuff Girls, Commander Adama, King David, Jesus Christ, and Bugs Bunny to be very entertaining.

So then we come across this work of fiction that is known as Scientology. People must understand that when the faithful DC Comictician comes across the word "religion", we expect capes, cowls, masks, superpowers, cool gadgets, and serious ass kicking to be present in all aspects of each differing world philosophy. We figured that Scientology would be filled with scientists who harbored secret identities and used their skills and knowledge to go out every night and bash the face of evil.

But we were wrong. According to Wikipedia,

Scientology's beliefs and related techniques comprise 18 basic books, and 3,000 recorded lectures. There is no single Scientology book that is the equivalent of the Bible or the Qur'an, but the study of Scientology is achieved through the chronological study of its basic books and lectures.

Scientology describes itself as "the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life," and "encompasses all aspects of life from the point of view of the spirit" — including "auditing" and training in morals, ethics, detoxification, education and management.

Prime among Scientology's beliefs is "that man is a spiritual being whose existence spans more than one life and who is endowed with abilities well beyond those which he normally considers he possesses." Scientology believes man to be basically good, that his experiences have led him into evil, that he errs because he seeks to solve his problems by considering only his own point of view, and that man can improve to the degree he preserves his spiritual integrity and remains honest and decent. According to the Church, the ultimate goal is: "a civilization without insanity, without criminals and without war, where the able can prosper and honest beings can have rights, and where man is free to rise to greater heights."

The Church of Scientology declares that the goal of Scientology is to achieve "certainty of one’s spiritual existence and one’s relationship to the Supreme Being," and says that Scientology's tenets are not a matter of faith but of testable practice: "That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true."

What madness.

People are "endowed with abilities well beyond those which he normally considers he possesses"? Only members of the Justice League and Justice Society are endowed with those abilities. And who the hell is this Supreme Being? If he is so supreme why hasn't he applied for membership with the JLA? Does this "being" not realize that the greatest threat we face today is from the Legion of Doom and all their sympathizors in Washington?

And man is not essentially good. Everyone is born with the Original Sinister and Gorilla Grodd's mind beams sent from the Legion of Doom's headquarters only serve to amplify these sinister impulses. Why can't people understand that in order to bring back goodness, we need to spend more time praying to Hawkgirl and asking the Black Canary to save us.

Now, to be fair, we also seek a world without insanity and arch-criminals. But we're rational enough to understand that the only way we can accomplish this is by putting Batman's picture back in the classroom and posting the Justice League's Ten Commandments on every wall of every public institution in the country. Crime will not end until we start convincing our mayors and commissioners to start hanging the Bat signal over every courthouse and city building in America. This is just simple logic, folks.

It's ironic that these Scientologists would subscribe to a faith that condemns insanity and psychologists because unless they give up their twisted beliefs and embrace the JLA as the only true saviors, they're going to find out what insanity and evil psychology really mean once their eternal souls are sent straight to Arkham Asylum.



Anne Johnson said...

Maybe if you put your theology in a book like L. Ron Hubbard did, you'll get as rich as he was. Just a suggestion -- I know you're motivated by a higher (super)power.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey you know where I can find a pic of Baby Plas, Plastic Man's son so I can win a bet?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Seriously, I've thought about that Anne. The DC Comictician's Bible followed by it's sister scrolls: The Book Of Star Trekiology (for the Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets.)

But I don't know how many copyright violations I would be committing there. I'd hate for someone to sue me for the 86 cents I have in my checking account right now.

Malach, I just spent the last half hour trying to find a picture of Baby Plas with no success- my search will continue and you'll be the first to know if I can find something.

The Film Geek said...

Sometimes truth is even more absurd than fiction.

Well, you know what I mean...

Mild Red (The Person Formerly Known As Ananke) said...

Commander Adama is The Shit! But I hear Gaius Baltar is really starting to get his own L. Ron Hubbard following. ;-)

Juanuchis said...

Careful, the Scientologist Madness Machine might very well sue you!

Confession, dear Reverend: I saw Ironman yesterday. Yes. Forgive me, for it was Good.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

That's okay, Juanuchis. Amnesty has been granted.

As part of our new makeover in an attempt to bring people back into our faith- the Elders have lightened our rules against Marvelite heresy and we've even granted people who are faithful to Captain Kirk's holy word the right to watch Stargate Atlantis if they choose.

Hell, the Elders and I are getting ready to sit down and watch a few X-Men cartoons as part of this new attempt at enlightenment.


We're not familiar with the New American Standard Version of Battlestar Galatica. just the old ones with Lorne Green where Baltar didn't have a first name. I heard the NASV shows were pretty good though.

Film Geek,

No doubt, brother, no doubt.

Aphra said...

Wasn't there something about jumping up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch as a demonstration of the ability one possesses?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Possibly. But since Oprah Winfrey is a suspected Legion of Doom sympathizer, it would be more impressive if they could use their special abilities to contact Commissioner Gordon and have him call in Batman for a thorough investigation.

All Click said...

I laugh in the face of Scientology. I mean they could at least wear capes!

Elvis Drinkmo said...

All Click,

That's essentially how we feel about all religions.

Imagine how many more people would have been baptized if John had worn a black mask and cape when he turned into The Baptist.