Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Beware of Poison Ivy (and we ain't talkin' bout the kind that makes you itch.) Pt. 2

When I look around I see people everywhere letting weeds and plants grow in their yard and I say to myself, "I had no idea that so many people worshiped that treacherous villain, Poison Ivy."

If that isn't bad enough, these people let their children run around and play in these yards full of plants- both wild and domesticated. So what are we trying to teach them?

So we say unto you: Beware of Poison Ivy. Don't be fooled by her charm and her grace. These are just more of her weapons that she uses to destroy all things that are decent. She is the embodiment of pure evil and is bent on ruling the world and destroying our way of life.

So you're probably wondering, "Reverend D., what can we do around our homes to prevent the spread of Poison Ivy and her twisted ways?" Well, one thing's for certain- Calamine lotion ain't going to do nothing.

The first step we need to take is to eliminate all plant life from our homes and yards. Not all plants are devoted Poison Ivy's sinister plans, but why take the chance? Kill everything in your yard from the grass to to the dandelions to the daisies. Chop down any trees you have near your house so that they don't get the chance to turn on you. It's not like we need them to breath or anything. Besides, it's better to live on nothing but dirt and mud than to live without the word of Batgirl.

Second, don't fool around with those wimpy pesticides that cause bird cancer or a few minor mutations in the animal gene pool, just get a few big canisters of gasoline (while it's cheap) and pour the stuff around everywhere- even all over yourself if you think the plants may have gotten to you and spread Poison Ivy's filth into your blood stream. Taking this simple step toward purifying our homes will ensure that the plants will never come back to invade your home and fill your children's minds with wrong thinking.

Don't worry about the ill effects that all this will have on the environment. In less than fifty years the Vulcans are coming down from the sky and they will fix everything. And we don't need vegetables, for it's common knowledge that anyone can live on nothing but double cheeseburgers and Sprees. If the cows don't have grass to eat, we'll just teach them to eat Sprees too.

So we're left with a simple choice. Side with the plants and their master Poison Ivy and go straight to Arkham or do as the leaders of the church tell to you to and earn an afterlife of eternal bliss with Batman and Robin inside the Hall of Justice.



Malach the Merciless said...

I have been looking for something to do with that Napalm I made, thanks

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Napalm will work, Malach.

Mild Red (The Person Formerly Known As Ananke) said...

Hm, I think I can do this one. My yard is already half dead from last year's drought and the deer are eating what's left. I'll just throw some concrete over the whole mess. ;-)