Thursday, May 22, 2008

Batman Camp


It's been awhile since we had a heart to heart discussion about the horrors of Arkham Asylum. I have neglected to remind you all that if you do not follow the righteous path laid out by the DC Scriptures you will end up spending eternity wrapped in a straight jacket while sadistic doctors poke and prod you in no uncertain terms. There will be screaming and people gnashing their teeth. It's just an all around nasty place to be and you can avoid it by giving yourself to the Justice League of America and praying to Batgirl every night before you go to sleep.

Ask yourself, if you were to develop a large brain clot and keel over onto the floor at work tomorrow, would you be getting hauled off on a stretcher to Arkham? Or would your soul go on to meet with Superdog at the glorious gates leading to the Hall of Justice?

What inspired me to remind you of this choice we all face is a documentary I watched last night called "Jesus Camp". What a great way for young children to spend their summers. The only problem I saw with this youth retreat is that they were giving praise to some wimpy hero in toga named Jesus Christ and that comic book character known as God who we all know can't even command a Galaxy class starship.

Instead of frightening young children with some big Halloween party called "hell" and using stuffed animals to inspire terror, they should have been smacking those kids in the back of their heads with baterangs until they started crying and bowing down on their knees confessing all their sinsiters to Batman.

That is why we'd like to launch our own summer camp. A camp where the kids to learn to jump from ten story buildings and learn how to fight with bat'leths. A camp where children can learn to slice each other up with green power rings and shoot arrows filled with explosives and shards of metal and shrapnel. In other words, a camp filled with good, clean wholesome fun where kids can learn about real spirituality.

The only problem we can see is that your children might not be coming home.

So if you're interested in letting your children experience the Almighty ways of the Bat, sign them up now. It's the least you can do for their little souls.


The Film Geek said...

What a superstitious and cowardly lot we are. :)

Malach the Merciless said...

Jesus Camp was scary, but I would go to Batman Camp.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

I agree, Film Geek. I mean how can people believe in things like "Satan" when the Legion of Doom is out there in a dark swamp trying to force children to do their bidding? I think a reality check is in order.

Malach, we're also going to need councilors. Are you in?