Saturday, May 10, 2008

Playing Cards Pt. 5

You'll never believe where I got this deck of cards.

They weren't behind the pharmacy counter or hidden from plain view. I didn't even buy these cards at the cash register beside the lighters and the eye glasses fix-it kits. No. These cards were given to my wife at work, which means that either the Joker or Harley Quinn are operating somewhere just off the Ohio River somewhere between Weirton and Huntington.

I mean just look at these cards. Not just two Jokers anymore, but four. The stakes have never been higher and our national security has never been at greater risk. Our society's moral fiber is being challenged and instead of preparing for this challenge, everyone is out waiting in line to watch the new Iron Man movie.

What we have here is attempt by the Legion of Doom to plant the Joker's face in every home in America so that when they begin their assault, our children will join them in the fight to destroy everything that is moral and decent. This cannot be allowed to stand and we must take action now. Remember, we aren't a defensive church, we're an offensive one.

So your fifth task in ridding your homes of things that might make your children grow up to be psychopathic killers with an insatiable desire for crime is to find all your decks of cards and get rid of the ones that represent that Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker. Otherwise, the Batman might come to your window in the middle of the night when you least expect it. If you aren't prepared for Him and embraced His love and His teachings, He is going to send you straight to Arkham Asylum.

Just so we're clear, we're not placing a ban on all playing cards. After all, one of the ways you can teach children some of the finer points in life is to sit them down with a can of beer and a few cigars for a few rounds of poker. Tell them to get their allowance money out there on the table so you can take it all by the end of the night. Then tell them to go home and get more allowance money so you can win that all too. Believe me those quarters and dimes will add up after a few hours. (Plus, I'm looking forward to the day when I can get together Hoyt and the Film Geek and hopefully some of my other blogger friends too so I can whip up on them in a few rounds of Poker, Hearts or Spades.)

But if we leave those Joker card in the deck while we're taking these kids' lunch money, we are teaching our children that it is perfectly OK and normal to emerge from an green bath full of acid to reek havoc on humanity. Clearly, we owe them better by setting good examples. So please, find your decks of cards and throw out or burn those ones that resemble one of Batman's most deadly enemies.

This concludes our Legion of Doom Awareness Week. We hope that you've taken all we said to heart because these arch-criminals our there and they are coming for you and your family. Our very way of life hangs in the balance and if we don't take a proactive stance against this evil now then we will forever be lost in a swamp run by Lex Luthor, Black Manta, and Bizarro Superman.



Chris James said...

Rumor has it that one of the State Supreme Court candidates is actually Gul Dukat in disguise.

Malach the Merciless said...

I love the Joker, can't wait to see Heath Ledger version

Elvis Drinkmo said...

I heard that rumor too, Chris.


I'm pretty excited about the Dark Knight, myself.

Jackie said...

I'm in. All in. Always. Because I'm stupid like that :D