Thursday, November 13, 2008

A New Discussion Board

After hours spent praying to the Hawkgirl, Captain Kirk, and the Guardians of Oa, I received the sign that JLA and Starfleet condone and approve of this message board:

Straight Outta of Appalachia.

Click here to join us, now

Lest the Batman come to your house and make you see the errors of your folly.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The Difference Between Trekies and Trekiologists

Many people make the erroneous and often times outright blasphemous mistake as referring to those of us who have devoted our lives to delivering the message Starfleet and Captain Jean Luc Picard as Trekies, when in fact there are distinct differences between those follow what they consider a TV show and those of us who consider every word in every episode as literal Truth for all Terans and friendly aliens to live by.

1) Trekies dress up like Captain Kirk, Spock, and Mr. Scott; whereas Trekiologists build temples in their honor and worship them.

2) Trekies go to conventions once or twice a year. Trekiologists attend worship services once or twice a week to pay homage to our commanding officers in Starfleet.

3) Trekies learn to speak Klingon. Trekiologists translate important speeches and historical documents in Klingon so that we will be prepared for the peace that will come after the Khitomer Accords.

4) Trekies watch Star Trek in the basement all day while Trekiologists watch Star Trek in the basement all day- meditating and praying to Captain Kathryn Janeway that she may deliver us from the evils of Delta Quadrant.

5) Trekies dress in Federation uniforms when they serve on juries. Trekiologists dress in Federation uniforms when they're picketing the local school boards- protesting and demanding that our faith, which is the only true one, be taught in our schools.

6) Trekies call Star Trek episodes "reruns" while Trekiologists call Star Trek episodes the Gospel which contains eternal wisdom that cannot be questioned.

7) Trekies get autographs from William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, Kate Mulgrew, and Avery Brooks. Trekiologists watch these people closely and keep extensive files on them because we know that they are Gamma Quadrant shape-shifters sent here by the Dominion to pose as our Holy Starfleet Captains and lead the faithful astray.

8) Trekies raised money in an attempt to keep the show Enterprise on the air. Trekiologists raise money to get politicians elected so that America may have a government which reflects the values and morals taught to us by the Five Pillars of Star Trek as interpreted by the leaders of this church.

9) Trekies hope for a new Star Trek series on television. Trekiologists hope for a Sixth Pillar to the Prophet Gene Roddenberry's Word of Truth which will only come after a devastating nuclear war wipes out all the Borg sympathizing riff-raff after which the Vulcans will land in Montana to cleanse the pure of heart.

10) Trekies create new sagas and write new books while Trekiologists consider any additions to the work of the Prophets Gene Roddenberry and Rick Berman sheer heresy and intolerable blasphemy that should be met with swift persecution.

So there you have it. This is why we take offense to being referred to as Trekies. Trekies consider Star Trek to be entertaining show and a hobby. We see the Five Pillars as a way of life that should be imposed on everyone, by force if necessary.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Our Link to Western Religions

The mainstream press has claimed to have stumbled upon secret documents kept safe in our church vaults. They seem to believe that the people who gather everyday around the shrines to pay homage to the Batman and kneel before the grace of Captain James T. Kirk have been mislead:

"the paperwork we have recently uncovered proves a theory that many have been advocating for the past several years. While the overbearing Elders of the First Church of the DC Comictician and their boisterous High Priest, the Reverend Elvis D., are busy insulting people from the Judeo-Christian and Muslim faiths they have failed to disclose that the people they deride may actually be their distant cousins. Historical documents show that Abraham had another son named Captain Hezasiah, whose decedents went on to preach the gospel of Starfleet and DC Comics.

"This unknown son of Abraham was said to have spoken of the Martian Hunter and a future where the Andorians, Tellarites, Terrans, and Vulcans would found the Federation. Captain Hezasiah was noted in these scrolls as drawing pictures of Batgirl in color and his children went on to build a faith around her, the Justice League of America, and Starfleet Command.

"The Elders and the High Priest keep this truth hidden deep within their archives for fear that if the millions of Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets discovered their link to other western faiths that they might begin to question church doctrine on how life began or what happened to the dinosaurs and realize that Zephran Cochran and Bruce Wayne may have indeed been distant relatives of Muhammad or even King David, himself."

We will say right here and now that it is no secret that our faith claims Captain Hezasiah as one of our earliest believers and that he was, in fact, the unknown son of Abraham and is discussed in our sacred scrolls. It is well known within the ranks of this great church that Hezesiah was one of the first people to journey up into the mountains and come down with a stack full of DC Comics to deliver to the people.

One major difference between him and his brothers- while Ismael and Issac were out in the desert trying to teach rocks to speak in tongues, Captain Hezasiah was studying up on the warp drive and inventing new technology for the Batman to discover and use against His foes.

There is no secret being revealed here. We have always respected our Judeo-Christian and Muslim cousins whom we like to refer to as "The People of the Comic Book". The DC scriptures and the Five Pillars of Star Trek instruct us to love all Terran nonbelievers and different cultures from other planets. And we work tirelessly everyday to convince them that they need to give up on prophets and heroes without heat-ray vision or magical golden truth lassos.

What good is Heaven if the guy who commands it can't even pilot a galaxy-class starship?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Prophesy Unfolding

The election is over and the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets congratulates Senator Barack Obama for his stunning victory.

Now, the Legion of Doom will be flying their flag over the White House and every public building in America. We don't blame the voters. Afterall, it was either that or McCain and his friends in the Borg Collective. This world has strayed so far from the teachings of the Martian Manhunter, Hawkgirl, and the Prophet Gene Roddenberry that many people feel they have no choice but to embrace the ideals of Batman's sworn enemies. Once they removed Starfleet from our schools, we were headed for failure. We won't go so far as to say that Obama is the anti-Aquaman foretold in the DC scriptures, but we will be watching and praying to our Heroes in the JLA for the safety of our great nation.

We here at the First Church are still alive with the Word and we do understand that we are witnessing the beginning of a prophesy unfolding. Just as it was foretold in the Book of First Contact, the Vulcans are coming and they will bring with them the Kingdom that is the United Federation of Planets. But first, we will endure hard times including a disasterous third world war that will probably incinerate everyone who is reading this. Everything happens for a reason and this is all part of Starfleet's plan.

Just remember that those who embrace the Five Pillars of Star Trek will rejoice aboard the Enterprise E in the next life. If you see the signs of the end times coming, perhaps you should surrender yourself to Captain Jean Luc Picard and come to the realization that every word in every episode of all five Star Trek shows is the literal truth containing a path for you to follow.

And as always, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Election Day 2008

Tomorrow is the big day, people. The biggest day of all big days. The day that defines what big really means. In fact, this day is so big that the word big isn't big enough to describe how big it is.

Tomorrow, you have a choice America: the teachings of Starfleet and the JLA or the path which leads to Arkham Asylum and absolute Dominion rule.

So remember where your priorities lie as you go to the polls tomorrow. There's no need to concern yourselves with trivial matters like the economy or the ability to put food on your table. Focus instead on what's important like protecting the protouniverse in the galatic womb and preserving our right to carry phase pistols with stun and kill settings.

Starfleet provides for those who provide for themselves. Besides how is anyone going to hunt deer when the government charges into our homes and confiscates our bat'leths? How will we defend ourselves against the coming swarm of Jem'Hadar soldiers if they take away our hunting rifles? Pure logic and common sense thinking should serve to remind you that we're right and everyone else is wrong.

Keep your priorities straight when you go out and vote tomorrow, people. Because if you don't, Borg cubes will almost certainly surround this planet and add our biological and technological distinctiveness to their own.