Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 3

Here's another story from the comic book called the Bible for us to look at.

The hero this time is a man named Moses. Again, it is important to point out that we are unsure whether he wore a mask or a cape. He has no known alias- he's just Moses so far as we can tell.

Moses' biggest victory in this part of the Old Testament graphic novel series called Exodus was leading the Jewish people out from under an Egyptian supervillian called the Pharaoh into freedom and a new promised land. By every measure he was successful and for that we salute him; even if he didn't lead his massive group of refugees to safety in something cool like the batmobile.

Moses worked together with another of the Bible's superheroes whom we mentioned earlier named God. Now, God must have chilled out a little because the last time we mentioned him he was flooding the planet and killing off everyone except Noah and the handful of people who didn't think Noah was out of his gourd. But it is apparent that without Jehovah getting into his God costume, Moses would have failed. There is no shame in little teamwork- it just would have been nice if the Hebrews could have drawn us some pictures so we could follow this a little better.

God took the first step and threw all kinds of nasty ass shit at the Pharoah and his people- things like storms, locusts, and plagues. Nothing wrong with that.

When it was all over, Moses took his people on a long stroll through the desert until they came to modern day Israel. One of the more noted superpowers Moses employed here was that he could call out a command and part seas. Not entirely unimpressive. He used this power to get everyone safety by parting the Red Sea and closing it on the Pharaoh's pursuing soldiers. Quick, effective, and needlessly bloody.

Now let's imagine what might have happened if Zatanna and Plastic Man had joined up and led the Jews to safety instead of God and Moses.

For one thing, they could have shaved a little time off the journey. Zatanna could have been casting equally wicked spells to throw the Pharaoh off balance while Plastic Man extended his arms to fold out into a big ladder for the people climb over. The Pharaoh and his henchmen would have been so distracted by Zatanna's spells, they wouldn't have had time to notice all the people running over Plastic Man's stretched out body to safety.

Then once they got away, the Red Sea wouldn't have needed to be parted. Plastic Man could have transformed into a bridge. Before the Pharaoh's henchmen would have known what had happened, Plastic Man would have done went back to a normal shape and would have went in a totally different direction. No one would have had to be killed.

On top of all this, the people fleeing Egypt would have had loads of entertainment accompanying them on their journey. With Plastic Man's slapstick humor and Zatanna's nightly magic shows, people wouldn't have had any time for erecting statues of Ba'al, drinking, screwing, and whatever else it was they did in the desert back in those days that seemed to piss Moses off so much.

So on the one hand we have God and Moses; on the other we have Zatanna and Plastic Man. Which would you choose?

To be continued......................



The Film Geek said...

Well, I take the JLA. Fact is, I've seen them, at least. There are documentaries on Saturday mornings that show their exploits.

This was a really inspired post!

Wally Banners said...

SUPERMAN OWNS ALL!! You got my Battle of the Blogs vote :)