Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Friday, July 25, 2008

A Nation Tastes Righteousness

Batman detective

As we've said before, now is the time to bring people into the light and share with them the love that can only come from the Justice League of America through the scriptures of DC Comics.

So when you're out in public and hear someone talking about how much they enjoyed The Dark Knight, it would be a damn good idea for you to sit down with them, share your thoughts, and ask them a few questions. Here are a few suggestions for things you'll want to ask:

1) Do you feel you have a friend in the Batman? Is there anything we can do to help you get closer to the Caped Crusader?

2) If you were to die tomorrow do you think your soul would enter the Hall of Justice or do you think you would be headed for Arkham Asylum for all eternity?

3) Now that you've experienced Batman's love for humanity, have you also given thought to Batgirl and the sacrifices She has made for you? Have you considered how Aquaman keeps Atlantis safe from evildoers and the Black Manta.

4) And now that you have seen the glorious works of the Bat, have you offered Him thanks lately? Have you knelt down in the direction of Gotham City five times today on a freshly laid out rug and prayed not only to the Batman, but also to Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, and Zatanna?

5) And if so, have you also remembered to thank Plastic Man, Hawkgirl, and Booster Gold. Have you shown any appreciation to the Green Lantern Corps for defending our liberties against the likes of Sinestro and Star Sapphire?

If they have answered no to any of these questions, share with them some passages from the Batman Chronicles. Remind them that the Batman tells us, "all criminals are weak and cowardly". When they ask how you define "criminal", be sure that they understand that it means anyone who doesn't obey the strict orders of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets and its leaders.

Folks, it's time to take our message to the streets. The Justice League is calling out to all the world and asking them to repent and confess their sinisters. The opportunity has never been this great to create a nation that will stand like a beacon on the hill for our Heroes in the Watchtower.

Superman was sent here from Krypton to save us from our sinsiters. Is it too much to ask that we give Him something back in return? I think not.

The time to kneel before the Martian Manhunter is at hand, people. If we stand together and follow His path, we will all be saved.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Here's What We Can Do

The Elders received the following letter via subspace:

Dear Reverend High Priest,

I'm really excited to report that people are lining up at our local theater to see the wisdom and experience the love that the Batman has to offer humanity. The people of my community are excited about the Dark Knight and they may be willing to surrender themselves at last.

A chance has appeared upon the horizon for us to bring this nation back to its DC Comics roots. People's lives are filled with despair and this just might be the best time for us to teach them about the salvation the JLA has to offer.

Is there anything we can do to help bring all these people who were raised in the Legion of Doom's secular schools into the light so they may understand that Batman and His friends in the Justice League are not just made up superheroes, but guardians of all things right who have a plan for us to follow?

Alfred's Brigade to Liberate Humanity from the Joker

Our response:

Dear Brigade,

We thank the Martian Manhunter that people like you are out trying to make people see that the Hall of Justice awaits those who keep Batman and Robin in their hearts 24/7.

To answer your question, there are things you can do to help people see that the Justice League loves them and wants them to spend the afterlife in their grace.

First, don't be afraid to take a few copies of the Batman Chronicles to your local movie theater. Share passages from the scriptures with them and don't be afraid to beat on the cover with your fist when your warning them about an afterlife full of misery in Arkham Asylum if they refuse to hear the Word. There are worse things you can be in this world besides a DC Comic Book thumper.

Second, you should take the excitement surrounding his movie of righteousness and put it to work at your local school boards, city halls, and county commissions. Our public officials need to see that we aren't just concerned about the Joker's and his influence over our children, but Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Black Manta, and Sinestros' too. Allowing kids to play football with the color yellow on their jerseys is paramount to child abuse. How they supposed to enjoy the Green Lantern's protection with this evil color surrounding them out on the field?

Lastly, we need to take the fanaticism surrounding this new found love for the Batman and put it to work in the voting booths. That way we can oust all these moral relativist liberals who stand in the way of a public inquisition so that may weed out all of the Legion of Doom sympathizors from our society. These people are responsible for this nation's decline and it is time we called on it. When America was devoted to Superman, we didn't have all these problems. Back when kids cherished their Flash comic books, gas was under a dollar a gallon. Simple logic tells us what went wrong, people.

Remember, the First Amendment doesn't separate religion and state, it simply prohibits the establishment of a national one. There is nothing in the First Amendment that says we can't scare the shit out children everyday with stories about the Riddler and Bizarro Superman. There is nothing in there that says we can't force them to kneel down before the Justice League of America before they start class every morning.

Now is the time for us to bring this country back to it's DC roots and praise Wonder Woman as a nation so that America may be once again restored to its glory.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

The Dark Knight

I remember when The Passion of the Christ came out on the big screen. I was thinking that this nation was truly lost. I mean here was this big revival taking place over some guy who didn't have a cool car or a cave from which to solve crimes.

Perhaps I was wrong afterall.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 7

It's time for people to realize that we have the answers that the others don't. The facts are simple- we're right and you're wrong and you really need to just face it, unless you want to spend eternity writhing in pain within the walls of Arkham Asylum.

I mean listen, we aren't narrow-minded bigots. We just don't tolerate anyone who disagrees with us. People who want to believe differently than we do have every right to live and breath- just so long as they do it somewhere else. People use the word fundamentalist like it's a bad thing. But when you have the answers to everything that matters while they don't, why should you suffer their presence. People who don't believe that every word from the DC scriptures is literal truth are blights on the body of the JLA.

I tell you, folks. If loving the Batman is wrong, we don't want to be right.

Some people think that DC Comics are just comic books published for the entertainment of children, but they are much more than that. The DC Scriptures have laid out a path for you to follow, if you want to join your Heroes in the Hall of Justice.

In this world that is filled with Sinestro Corps sympathizers and Legion of Doom influences, one church stands out like a beacon on a hill for people who love righteousness and the pursuit of justice. That church is the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. All other churches just follow some god with no heat vision and chase abstract notions that won't bring you any closer to the Truth.

Isn't it time you heed the call of the Watchtower and embraced the love and wisdom that is offered to us daily by the Martian Manhunter?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Firearms for Jesus

Question of the day: what kind of a sissy ass god needs AK-47s, M-16s, and 9MMs? Answer: apparently, the one out of the big black comic book called the Holy Bible.

Or so says The Register.

An Oklahoma baptist church has insisted it will proceed with its controversial plan to give away an AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle* during a youth conference - a move described as "a way of trying to encourage young people to attend the event", according to local Koko 5 news.

Windsor Hills Baptist apparently has a history of worshipping God through firepower, and last year ran a shooting competition as part of its annual shindig. This year, it reportedly shelled out $800 for said trophy semi, but the church’s youth pastor, Bob Ross, claimed the main thrust of the conference wasn't about guns but rather "teens finding faith".

Anyone who understands the Batman's grace will shake their heads in disbelief. If the DC scriptures have taught us anything, it's that real superheroes don't need guns to fight evil. All they need are brains, strong determination and an absolute will to get the job done. Apparently, people who follow the plan of other superheroes from other comic books have missed out on this plain and simple Truth.

Well, most of time Batman doesn't use guns.

OK, Question time is over.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Draft Dick Cheney for President

At the suggestion of Jennifer from Infinite Sphere, the First Church of DC Comictician and the United Federation of Planets has decided that Dick Cheney is the best man for the job of President of the United States.

We realize that he is Legion of Doom sympathizer, who probably gets his orders directly from Lex Luthor, and that he follows the plan of some God who can't even shoot laser beams from his eyeballs. But let's face it, Dick Cheney is a man of people. The U.S. hasn't had a vice-president this popular since Spiro Agnew. Plus he isn't a stuck-up, misogynist like Barack Obama. Hillary supporters ought to jump at the chance to write in Dick for President, since some of them seem so comfortable with the idea of supporting John McCain.

The biggest advantage we can see to having Cheney in the white house is that he is the most likely candidate to drag into some disasterous and bloody atomic war; hence giving those of us who have accepted the Prophet Gene Roddenberry's work as the literal truth a chance to get a little closer to the Vulcans.

We want a candidate who is ready and willing to sacrifice 3/4 of the human race for a world of ideology that is ready and prepared to embrace the arrival of Starfleet. Dick Cheney is our man.

So who's on board? Let's get those signatures together and draft a man who belongs at the helm of the US military (putting aside the fact that he dodged another less civilized draft). A man of sacrifice, a man of honesty and integrity, and a man who has redefined the words "living off the system". Draft Dick Cheney to the office of President of the United States.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Faith in Politics

We have been paying close attention to religious aspects of this presidential election. It is very important to us that the next president fully understand the ways of the Captain James T. Kirk and that they express their solemn faith in the Justice League of America.

We've been pretty disappointed thus far. Neither candidate adequately displays proper knowledge of the Federation charter nor do they show any recognition of the threat presented by the Borg Collective's ongoing attempt to assimilate our public schools. Instead, they pander to some God who can't even be bothered to take the helm of a Galaxy-class starship and keep the Romulans from crossing into the neutral zone.

Then we stumble upon this from an editorial in the Washington Post:

"Painting Obama as a shameless shape-shifter is a way for his opponents to dull the enthusiasm (and inhibit the campaign contributions) of the war's staunchest foes. And if this image stuck, it could also hurt Obama among independents. They might vote for a hawk or a dove, but not a chameleon."

If Barack Obama is a changeling from the Gamma Quadrant- the American people have a right to know. He might end up calling on the Jem'Hadar to occupy this planet and in case you didn't know, the Jem'Hadar are deeply prejudiced against humans. The war against the Dominion is nothing to take lightly and those don't understand this have neglected to study the words of Captain Benjamin Sisko from the Deep Space Nine scriptures.

We have heard Obama referred to as a sleeper, but we had no idea how serious this really was. If one of the Dominion Founders, a shape-shifter, is allowed to sit in the Oval Office it will mean impending doom not just for Sector 001, but the entire Alpha Quadrant.

I don't think it's too much to ask that our religious views be respected and that all candidates running for public office undergo blood screenings to endure that they are, in fact, "solids". We also demand that routine phaser sweeps be conducted in all public buildings so that any changelings disguised as couches or coffee tables are detected.

Remember, the First Amendment doesn't call for the separation of church and state, it merely prevents the government from establishing a national one. In America, we are free to demand that our government be shapeshifter free.

Will McCain and Obama heed our call to respect our religious views and our faith based initiatives by submitting a vial of blood every morning for screening? That is the million dollar question.

Monday, July 7, 2008

It's All in How You Believe

We received a few angry letters from some people who think we're too radical in suggesting that we set off the nukes a little early so that those of us who consider ourselves true believers can enter the golden paradise that is the United Federation of Planets sooner.

We say unto these people that what some view as nuclear holocaust and total annihilation; others view as a chance to bring the human race closer to the Vulcans.

Besides, it don't really look all that bad:

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Endorsement for President

Since we are a 501c3 tax-exempt religious institution, it's only fair that we endorse someone for president, actively campaign for that candidate and threaten everyone who doesn't support that candidate with Arkham Asylum and/or Borg assimilation.

Since this America and we have such a wide variety of candidates to choose from; we aren't certain yet whom we should support. So we have decided that we will endorse whichever candidate is the biggest proponent of dropping nuclear bombs on Iran. It's something that always gets brought up at press conferences with the potential candidates and we think bombing Iran or some other country with nukes is a sound policy for promoting world peace and general prosperity.

Why? Because the sooner we launch World War III and kill off 3/4 of the world's population, the sooner the Vulcans will land in Montana and solve all our problems for us. The sooner we launch this devastating war, the sooner we'll have replicators, phaser rifles, warp capable space ships, and entertaining holosuites. What's 75% of the human race compared to the stability, greatness, and importance of forming the United Federation of Planets?

This is just simple logic, folks. So we'll keep our eyes on the candidates and throw our support behind the one who will drag us all into a war that most of us won't survive, but we can always take comfort in the fact those of us who have discovered Starfleet and the Justice League of America will be raptured up into the Hall of Justice or commissioned aboard the Enterprise E with Captain Jean Luc Picard. Those who have chosen not to embrace the wisdom of this church and its leaders will face the alternative and enjoy an eternity that they have created for themselves by making bad choices.

We'll keep you posted since the salvation of your soul is our business and our primary concern.

Innocent of All Crimes


After a lengthy trial filled with rumors, falsehoods, and outright lies, I have been found innocent of all wrong doings. The judge had this to say after the verdict was read:

"We are pleased with the jury's decision because we came here with the full knowledge that the Reverend High Priest Elvis Drinkmo carries with him the love of Captain Jean Luc Picard and the blessings of the Batman. This court apologizes to the faithful members of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the Untied Federation of Planets for the inconvenience presented by this trial. Our system of justice promises a fair and swift trial for the accused and in this case Reverend Drinkmo was denied this justice after enduring more than two long weeks of awaiting an innocent verdict."

The court's apology has not been accepted by me or this church because we are well aware of the Legion of Doom's influence over our legal system and we also know that every branch of this government is sympathetic to the ideals of the Borg Collective. We have papers and files that clearly demonstrate the duplicity of our appointed judges and elected officials and we're waiting for the right time to present them to a national audience.

In case you were wondering, our lawyers got me acquitted by using an unprecedented "shape-shifter defense". Church lawyers argued before the jury that since the police did not conduct proper blood screenings at the crime scene, the court could not be certain whether the person actually found at the crime scene was me or some changeling from the Gamma Quadrant sent here to conquer the Alpha Quadrant a little early by assuming my form. The fact that Gamma Quadrant narcotics were found in the room only helped to strengthen our case. The drug in question was ketracel white, the same drug the Founders use to ensure loyalty amongst their Jem'Hadar soldiers.

Folks, I can assure you that it was not me at that hotel room with the X-Men's Emma Frost and Elektra. It must have been a shape-shifter, possibly the one who does commercials and calls himself William Shatner- while simultaneously claiming that he played Captain James T. Kirk in the scriptures.

Unfortunately the missing church treasury funds will not be recovered. No one is sure what happened to them. But before any more rumors start floating around, I want to make it clear that the yacht I recently bought was paid for by my own salary and will be used for the strict purpose of investigating recent developments concerning the Black Manta.

The Elders and I thank you for your patience and your absolute devotion to the Truth which can only be found the scriptures of DC Comics and the Five Holy Star Trek Series's. May Batgirl bless you always.