Monday, July 21, 2008

Here's What We Can Do

The Elders received the following letter via subspace:

Dear Reverend High Priest,

I'm really excited to report that people are lining up at our local theater to see the wisdom and experience the love that the Batman has to offer humanity. The people of my community are excited about the Dark Knight and they may be willing to surrender themselves at last.

A chance has appeared upon the horizon for us to bring this nation back to its DC Comics roots. People's lives are filled with despair and this just might be the best time for us to teach them about the salvation the JLA has to offer.

Is there anything we can do to help bring all these people who were raised in the Legion of Doom's secular schools into the light so they may understand that Batman and His friends in the Justice League are not just made up superheroes, but guardians of all things right who have a plan for us to follow?

Alfred's Brigade to Liberate Humanity from the Joker

Our response:

Dear Brigade,

We thank the Martian Manhunter that people like you are out trying to make people see that the Hall of Justice awaits those who keep Batman and Robin in their hearts 24/7.

To answer your question, there are things you can do to help people see that the Justice League loves them and wants them to spend the afterlife in their grace.

First, don't be afraid to take a few copies of the Batman Chronicles to your local movie theater. Share passages from the scriptures with them and don't be afraid to beat on the cover with your fist when your warning them about an afterlife full of misery in Arkham Asylum if they refuse to hear the Word. There are worse things you can be in this world besides a DC Comic Book thumper.

Second, you should take the excitement surrounding his movie of righteousness and put it to work at your local school boards, city halls, and county commissions. Our public officials need to see that we aren't just concerned about the Joker's and his influence over our children, but Gorilla Grodd, the Cheetah, Black Manta, and Sinestros' too. Allowing kids to play football with the color yellow on their jerseys is paramount to child abuse. How they supposed to enjoy the Green Lantern's protection with this evil color surrounding them out on the field?

Lastly, we need to take the fanaticism surrounding this new found love for the Batman and put it to work in the voting booths. That way we can oust all these moral relativist liberals who stand in the way of a public inquisition so that may weed out all of the Legion of Doom sympathizors from our society. These people are responsible for this nation's decline and it is time we called on it. When America was devoted to Superman, we didn't have all these problems. Back when kids cherished their Flash comic books, gas was under a dollar a gallon. Simple logic tells us what went wrong, people.

Remember, the First Amendment doesn't separate religion and state, it simply prohibits the establishment of a national one. There is nothing in the First Amendment that says we can't scare the shit out children everyday with stories about the Riddler and Bizarro Superman. There is nothing in there that says we can't force them to kneel down before the Justice League of America before they start class every morning.

Now is the time for us to bring this country back to it's DC roots and praise Wonder Woman as a nation so that America may be once again restored to its glory.


Malach the Merciless said...

I really think March 2009, and Watchmen is going to really drag them in

Jennifer said...

I'm going to see the Batman this weekend. Do you have any advice on appropriate attire to wear at the theater to possibly better educate people about the Legion of Doom? Are any bat accessories helpful?

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Why yes, Jennifer. Take a baterang with you so you can smack non-believers in the back of the head. Sometimes the only way to get people to open their eyes to the Truth so that you can save their souls is through intimidation and raw violence. (Just ask some of those pictureless comic book fans.)