Saturday, December 29, 2007

Starfleet's Ten Commandments

Starfleet Command has hailed the First Church and relayed these ten commandments for you to to follow. If you make any New Year's resolutions, make them these- unless you plan to spend eternity gnashing your teeth as a Borg drone, wired to the collective's high mind.

Even if you foolishly choose not to believe in Starfleet or their five Holy Starfleet Captains, we fail to see how posting these ten simple commandments in every school and courthouse could hurt. I mean this would be just one modest improvement we could implement that would help bring this country back to the Federation values that every decent person holds to be True.

1. Thou shalt have no other commands before Us; for we are a jealous command.

2. Thou shalt not worship graven images that don't in some way resemble Us, your Holy Starfleet Captains, the United Federation of Planets, or allies of the United Federation of Planets.

3. Thou shalt not take Captain Jean Luc Picard's name in vain.

4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy; for between 1993 and 1999- Saturday was the day that Captain Benjamin Sisko tried to show all you heathens, infidels, and ungrateful Terran brats the way.

5. Honor the Prime Directive as you would the orders handed down by your Holy Starfleet Captains.

6. Thou shalt always keep your phasers on stun without a direct command from Captain James T. Kirk to do otherwise.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless you are vacationing on Risa, come from a Federation world that condones it, or come from a planet aligned with the Federation that condones it.

8. Thou shalt not conspire to aid the Borg or the Dominion or any other enemy of the United Federation of Planets; unless Captain Kathryn Janeway enlists you into a plot to foil strange, new aliens- more dangerous than those listed in these commandments.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor, friendly aliens, neutral aliens, or aliens from a pre-warp society.

10. Thou shalt not covet our photon torpedoes, our phaser banks, our Galaxy-class starships, or our warp drive capabilities.


It has been said. We are your Starfleet Command, the only Command, and these are your orders.


Monday, December 24, 2007

The Pope's Christmas Speech in Klingon

Even though we think it is a total waste of time to follow anyone who can't pilot a Constitution or Galaxy-class starship and wore a toga instead of the proud gold and red uniforms of commanding Starfleet officers, we thought we'd share the Pope's annual Christmas speech. Since the Catholic Church isn't considerate enough to keep all of the galaxy's children in mind when they preach their false prophesies, we offer Pope's words to you in Klingon. Now if your first language is Romulan or Vulcan and you feel left out- go here to get your own translation.

Ram maH Qoyta' latlh Duy Daq. je maH vo' vetlh le' ram Bethle'hem ram ghorgh puqloD vo' joH'a' mojta' loD ghaHta' bogh Daq je. Ghorgh puqloD vo' joH'a' mojta' loD ghaHta' bogh Daq a stabl.

Daq vam Sagh jaj Duy pa' maH loDpu' je be'pu' vo' wejDIch milli'nni Daq. Ghotpu vo' DaHjaj qo' ghobe' Daq chaw' ghaH 'el chaj chaj vengmey chaj tuqpu'. Daq Tera'! Daq milli'nni je Daq ghaHta' chenmoHta' Daq vo' je scie.

DaHjaj maH laH vo' vast 'ach loDpu' je be'pu' Daq maj te'chkologic vo' chaj ghaj je t'chnikhal Dung Daq je vo'. Vetlh ghaH qatlh 'oH ghaH vaj vaD maH Daq poSmoH maj je tIQDu' Daq vo' Khrist vam vo' toDtaHghach nuq laH nob chu' tul Daq yIn vo' Teran'.

Sum knI'cking Daq maj lojmIt ghaH maH je maj ghaH khalls maH Daq chay' maH je yIn maj. GhaH leghpu' awak vo' meq vo' s tera. Vo'. Daq Khrist'mas HoSghaj puq je aks vaD maj QaH je. Daj way vo' vetlh ghaH ghaH joH'a' maj way vo' taH teran.Wak Dung toH loD vaD lIj chIch joH'a' mojta' loD!

Hutlh wov vo' Khrist wov vo' meq ghaH ghobe' Daq teran je.

VaD vam meq mu'mey vo' Khrist'mas Gospl: wov vetlh Hoch loD ghaHta' choltaH Daq vam qo'. DaH latlh vo' salvat. 'oH ghaH neH Daq vo'. Mu' chenmoHta' ghab vetlh vo' tera ta'taH ghobe' tire vo' vam vo' tul Sum cha'DIch Vatican nuq loSmaH DISmey ago.

LoDpu' je be'pu' vo' DaHjaj Teran' ghoS vo' vIHHa' vaj. Daq yab je DichDaq chaw' puq vo' Bethle'hem tlhap SoH Sum ghop ta' ghobe' taHvIp lan lIj voq Daq ghaH. HoS vo' Daj wov ghaH vaD chu' qo' Daq je.

May Daj muSHa' Hoch ghotpu Daq tera' je chaj vo' taH qorDu' ja' Daq vo' voq je. Klingons DichDaq taH laH Daq law' vo': vo' vo' Daq Daq nuq vo' Teran ghotpu' yIn vo' vo' Daq je QIH nuq vo' maj Qo'nos.

JoH'a' 'Iv mojta' loD pa' vo' muSHa' vaD Teran Hoch chaH Daq Afrik'ha 'Iv vum vaD roj je vo' vaD vo' vIHHa' je vo' HochHom vo' chaH chaH Daq [Darfur] je Daq latlh vo' Afrik'ha. GhaH Dev ghotpu' vo' Latee Amerik'ha Daq yIn Daq roj je. GhaH Daq ghotpu vo' QaQ DichDaq Daq le' puH Daq Irakh Daq Lebanon nuqDaq vo' tul nuq 'oH ghobe'. Daq taH Sum vangta'ghachmey Sum je valtaHghach ghaH vo' Daq Qorean peninsulak je Daq vo' Aseyah vaj vetlh Sum vo' je "peeezzzful" laH taH Daq qa' vo' nuq chaj ghotpu'.

Daq Khrist'mas maH joH'a' chenmoHta' loD batlh bIng vo' puq Daq je Daq manger vo' Hoch Daq vo' neoQb. MaH vam maH vIt vetlh maH je muSHa' vetlh maj. Daq Bethlehem ram wa' vo' maH maj Hemey vo'. Chaw' maH tlhap ghop nuq ghaH pa' Daq Klingons:'oH ghaH ghop nuq Daq tlhap pagh vo' maH 'ach neH Daq.

Tlhej chaw' devwI maH 'el vo' Bethle'hem bIng muSHa'taH vo' Ma'ry tam vo' Daj. GhaH QaH maH Daq vo' Khrist'mas [may] ghaH ghojmoH maH chay' Daq Daq maj tIQDu' vo' joH'a' 'Iv vaD maj chIch mojta' loD je ghaH QaH maH Daq SIQ Daq maj qo' Daq Daj vIt Daj muSHa' je Daj "Peeezzz".

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

From the Desk of the First Church

Friends,

Please forgive us here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets for the light posting.

We are currently gearing up for Robinmas Day, a time when everybody but retail store check out clerks celebrate Dick Grayson's ascendancy to Batman's side as Robin.

So please, everyone, have a Merry Robinmas Day. We'll see you soon.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Living a Life Worthy of the Batman

Today, I hit the streets with a copy of the Batman Chronicles in my hand. I was shouting toward the passers-by trying to share the good word of the Bat only to get funny looks and expressions of intense anger. People thought I was crazy, but we all understand that those of us who follow the rules- laid out for us by the Justice League of America- are bound to endure some scorn in this Marvel-ridden land that does everything but outright sacrifice lambs at the Legion of Doom's alter.

Well, friends, I'm going to ask you the same question that I asked those gawking Incredible Hulk fans on the streets today:

If you were to die tonight where do you think you would be tomorrow? Would you join Batman, Batgirl, and Robin in the Hall of Justice? Or would you be getting sprayed in the face with one of the Joker's deadly and poisonous flower lapels behind the walls of Arkham Asylum? If Batman came crashing through the roof of your house tonight, would He protect you from Mr. Freeze? Or would He drag you off by your hair into the night to face your worst fears?

Folks, we have a choice. We have a choice between following the righteous ways of the JLA and the JSA or following those who seek to steal jewelry and precious museum artifacts and essentially destroy our way of life. People who choose not to believe in the Catwoman will fall prey to her claws. It's simple logic, people.

Will the Penguin have to shove one of his umbrellas up your ass before you can realize the dangers that exist right here in our world? Will Two-Face have to decide your fate by flipping a coin over your broken body before you understand that Daredevil and the X-Men aren't coming? I hope not.

Give up your sinister ways and become worthy of the Holy Trinity (Batman, Robin, and Batgirl) before it is too late.

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Monday, December 10, 2007

Stop Illegal Immigration (from the Gamma Quadrant)





What's wrong with these two pictures?

Well, I'll give you a hint. Building a fence around the Arizona and Texas borders or the city of San Diego ain't gonna do a goddamn thing to stop Dominion infiltrators from the Gamma Quadrant.

When shape-shifters and other aliens from the other side of the Bajoran wormhole come here to this planet and start stealing our jobs, the human race has got some serious fuckin' problems. So instead of beefing up national borders, we need to start building up our forces along galactic borders. Security starts at home and home starts on the edge of what we all know as the Alpha Quadrant. Wake up, people!

You think people singing the national anthem in Spanish is bad, just wait 'til we're all forced to stand and sing "All Hail the Founders" in Dominionese.


Hat Tip to Chris James from The Sour Apple Tree for alerting everyone to this negligence on behalf of the next election's show ponies.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Putting Superman Back in Our Schools

People seem to think that the 1st Amendment to the Constitution prohibits us from teaching religious values to the children in our public schools. I mean no questions the fact that Superman is the Man of Steel, yet children would never be allowed to spend at least one entire school year pondering on what this means and why it is so important to everything that takes place in this world.

Well, here is what the 1st Amendment says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

I don't know about you, but I see nothing here that says we can't force children to kneel down every morning and pray to Superman- at gunpoint if necessary. "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion". No, there is nothing here that says we can't take ten year-olds on top of a twenty story building and teach them to fly to the next one using a batcape that converts into a batglider. If they get hurt, well, it just means that they didn't have enough faith in the Justice League of America.

The 1st amendment says nothing about prohibiting Batman and Robin panoramas on public property for Robinmas Day. It says nothing about enacting laws that would require each and every citizen to read at least one DC comic book a day. There is no clause in that amendment which says we can't require people to swear oaths on the Batman Chronicles before they testify in court.

So what is the problem? Why can't we bring ourselves to admit that this nation was founded upon DC principles by people who practiced morals handed to down to us by the Martian Manhunter and JLA?

The answer is that the Legion of Doom has hijacked this country and used the influence of secular humanism as well as people who will always choose convenience over faith to advance their sinister agenda.

The sooner we all realize this the better off we will be.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The War on Robinmas Day Continues

The other day I got thrown out of the county courthouse for demanding that the local officials set a panorama up on public property celebrating the day that Dick Grayson joined Batman's fight against crime as Robin. Needless to say my request was denied.

Later that same day, I was tossed out of a retail store for grabbing a cashier by his collar and demanding that he wish me a Merry Robinmas Day- instead of this secular Happy Holidays bullshit. Apparently, it's perfectly acceptable for Marvelites to tell their story in the month of December by advertising Spiderman 3 and Fantastic Four DVDs, but demanding that everyone be forced to kneel down before Batman and Robin in prayer isn't. What kind of a world are we living in, people?!

I mean I can't understand this. What would it hurt even for people who don't believe in Batman to take just a few minutes out of one day and listen to His teachings? Why can't children sing His praises in public schools anymore?

If we allow this to go too far, Batman and Robin will end up being taken out of graduation ceremonies. People won't be able to take Robinmas Day off work and it won't even be safe to follow the teachings of the Dynamic Duo in our own private homes. This is a slippery slope of the gravest proportions and the only ones who will come out on top are the Joker and Mr. Freeze.

It's got to stop somewhere. We must let America know that we will win this war that they have declared on Robinmas Day.

'Tis the Season

It's that time of the year again.

You can feel it in the air. The leaves are gone from the trees, snow is falling from the sky, fireplaces are burning, and families gather round to share the warmth of the season. This December the 25th, the world will celebrate the day when Dick Grayson took his rightful place at Batman's side as his Partner.

But you'd never know it in this country full of infidels and nihilists. No rows upon rows of Batman and Robin toys. No cashiers wishing us all a Merry Robin Day. No songs praising the Bat in our department stores. TV stations are too busy showing Stargate Atlantis to give the Boy Wonder praise by running Batman reruns all day and on every channel. All those of us who are holy and understand the Truth get is a half an hour on Saturdays to know all the wondrous ways of the Dynamic Duo.

If all this isn't bad enough, Payless Shoes is advertising these slippers which ought to keep people's feet nice and warm while their basking in the glow of the fires inside the walls of Arkham Asylum. I mean how can anyone believe that some kid who got bit by spider is going to save humanity from the evil that is about to befall us. If DC Comics has tried to teach us anything, it's that the only way you can scale tall buildings is with a batrope and a batgrappler.

But this is what we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have come to expect from a media and a society that practically runs Iron Man's fan club.

If we continue to turn our backs on the morals of Batman and Robin, we will continue to decay like so many immoral empires before us. It's high time we take this country back for those of us who understand that it was founded upon DC Comic principles by DC Comic Book believers. Just touch a copy of the Batman Chronicles and you too will know divinity.


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Sunday, December 2, 2007

Fatwa #7: On Sudan

Fatwa #7:

You are hereby forbidden to visit the nation of Sudan, unless you're planning to briefly stop by and urinate on one of their governmental or religious institutions.

A British teacher in Sudan was found guilty of offending that "prophet" named Muhammad by having her students name a teddy bear after him. It's our guess that the truth is too harsh for these clerics since a person is better off running to a teddy bear for protection against an all out Legion of Doom assault then they are counting on some crazy man who thinks he found Truth in a cave.

Well friends, we know that there is only one cave that contains the Truth and it is called the Batcave and Muhammad ain't never been there, I assure you. Otherwise, he might have joined the Justice League of America instead of leading a band of shepherds to raid the capital of Saudi Arabia, only to start making women cover every part of their body in some sort of self-imposed shame.

This teacher was tried and sentenced. According to BBC News:

Gillian Gibbons, 54, from Liverpool, has been sentenced to 15 days in prison and will then be deported.

She escaped conviction for inciting hatred and showing contempt for religious beliefs, and will now appeal.

Fortunately for Ms. Gibbons, she escaped the forty lashes she was originally facing. The penalties for this were so harsh you'd almost think she was guilty of leading a genocide brigade against the nation's Darfur region- clearly a crime much much lighter than naming some fucking teddy bear after a man who couldn't even shoot laser beams out of his eyeballs.

We find this kind of blasphemy and heresy downright offensive. The DC Comictician encourages all children to play with toys named after Batman, the redoubtable Elongated Man, and all of our other protectors from the JLA and Justice Society. This is just one of many ways that kids can prepare for the coming day of the Legion of Doom. It makes perfect sense.

Plus, our Superheroes are real Superheroes and they do not concern themselves with all these whimsical little details like other religions do- possibly because they know that their prophets, gods, imams, and apostles would crumble like paper towels at the mere glance of someone like Brainiac.

It has been said. All Praise Be to Plastic Man. And we thank the JLA for their ongoing transmissions to the faithful through the Elders.

And a Hat Tip to JDB from Infinity Ranch for alerting the Elders to this outrage.

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

What's Going On in Pakistan?

Pakistan's military dictator, General Musharraf is planning to step down as military leader and assume the role of an civilian president after weeks of civil unrest amongst the nation's people.

From Reuters:

Pakistan's General Pervez Musharraf said farewell to military colleagues on Tuesday as he prepared to become a civilian president ahead of January's general election.

Musharraf visited Joint Staff headquarters in Rawalpindi, a day before he steps down as army chief to fulfil one of the long-held demands of his political rivals and Western allies.

All main opposition parties have signed up for the January 8 parliamentary election, but former prime ministers Benazir Bhutto and Nawaz Sharif, both back in Pakistan after years of exile, have said they may still boycott the vote which is being organised under emergency rule.

Musharraf will be sworn in as a civilian president on Thursday, his spokesman said, after securing a second five-year term thanks to a new panel of friendly judges who validated his October 6 election victory.

There may be a simpler explanation for what's going on here than our media is telling. The Dominion may have launched this attempted coup and replaced Pakistan's government officials with shape shifters.

So what do the scriptures tell us about these recent world events? Turn with me now to Star Trek Deep Space Nine 4:2.

A similar scenario took place on Cardassia. Civil unrest overthrew that planet's military government causing notorious career opportunists like Gul Dukat to give up their military posts and join the new civilian government as Legits. The Klingon Empire under the command of Chancellor Gowron took the initiative and launched a preemptive strike against Cardassia fearing a Dominion inspired coup was in progress which would give these minions of evil a foothold in the Alpha Quadrant.

Now I realize it's difficult for us, as Americans, to imagine any government launching a military strike against a nation for no apparent reason other than the possibility that they may become a threat to security in the future based on shaky and circumstantial evidence. But this is the Klingon way and we must accept it if we are to walk with Starfleet.

Captain Benjamin Sisko, our Holy Starfleet Captain, expressed concern that the hasty actions of Klingons might be a threat to intergalactic peace. But the revered Constable Odo, himself a Changeling from the Gamma Quadrant tells us:

If my people we're going to overthrow a government that is how they would do it.

Captain Sisko, being all-knowing and all-wise, decided to side with the cause of peace and oppose the preemptive invasion. But he did take one very important precaution. He demanded that all of the rescued Cardassians be subjected to blood screenings to ensure that Gowron and the Klingon Empire weren't right.

So here's what we can do. Endorse Musharraf's new government only after he and his entire cabinet submit to blood screenings. Demand that all Pakistani government installations be subject to phaser sweeps- in case Dominion operatives are posing as coffee cups or pieces of furniture. It's a simple precaution, people. And if our government cannot bring itself to accept the Truth that Starfleet Command teaches us, perhaps they, themselves, should be treated to a few rounds of blood screenings and phaser sweeps.

If the Dominion gains a foothold here on Earth, our way of life will be over. And until people start pulling their heads out of their asses and begin to realize the threat presented to us by the Founders, we will not be secure even in our very own homes. This is serious!

The time for action is now and the time to kneel down before the Warp Drive is at hand.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Fred Thompson on Church and State

One of our modern day nihilist voters, who probably just finished reading an Incredible Hulk comic book, asked Republican presidential candidate, Fred Thompson, about religion.

Thompson replied,

“I believe in the separation of church and state,” Thompson said, drawing a distinction between church and religion. “I don’t think the church as a church ought to have a position in government… I didn’t say religion I said the church, so that’s a different -- that’s a different kind of thing. I mean our founding fathers -- I mean whether you’re talking about, you know, what’s written in the Supreme Court or the United States Senate or opening prayers or anything like that -- our founding fathers, of course, would never have separated religion totally.”

Like all the presidential candidates, Thompson seems to have forgotten that this nation was founded upon the word handed down to us by Superman through DC Comics and the awesome protection which we all enjoy from the Bat. How can any nation separate a its well being from the one true church that promises to smash all evil doers and their minions of destruction?

And of course, he completely neglects to mention the founders of the United Federation of Planets or the five Holy Starfleet Captains when discussing prayer and morality, but this is what this country has come to. No one should be surprised.

There can be no doubt that he too is on the Legion of Doom's payroll and seeks to advance the sinister motives of Gorilla Grodd and Lex Luthor. To find the real Fred Thompson's morals, one would likely have to travel to the Delta Quadrant and give a thorough inspection of a Borg drone's alcove.

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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Offering Thanks

A Holiday is upon us and I think we should all take a moment to give thanks to the Justice League of America and Starfleet Command. It is because of them that you will be able to enjoy the good company of family, strangers and friends alike without the fear of a Legion of Doom reprisal.

Thanks to the JLA, you'll be able to hit the bars after stuffing your face full of turkey and mashed potatoes without having to worry about the Joker dropping poisonous laughing gas on you or having to put your alcohol soaked brain cells to work trying to solve one of the Riddler's puzzles. It is because of the JLA and Starfleet that you'll be able to go out and get tanked without having to worry about an invasion from Apokolips or the Borg Collective while your trying to stagger your way to the cab.

Just remember while you're eating that turkey and later, out there polishing off that 15th bottle of beer the Green Lantern Corps, Hawkgirl, Wonder Woman, the Batman, and the Martian Manhunter and the wonderful blessings they bestow upon us. Remember Captains James T. Kirk, Jean Luc Picard, Benjamin Sisko, Kathryn Janeway, and Jonathan Archer and the sacrifices they make everyday saving this quadrant from impending disaster.

To our Starfleet Captains and our Heroes in the Justice League and Justice Society, we are forever grateful. May they continue to bless with their awesome powers, cool tools, and supreme starship navigational skills.

When you're toasting to the good times don't forget to those from this dimension, this quadrant, and this galaxy who make it possible.

Monday, November 19, 2007

About me...again

My friend Billy, from from Buzzard Billy has tagged me tell six secrets about myself. I really have no secrets. When I'm not celebrating the joy of Starfleet Command and spreading the word of Batman, I'm generally in deep meditation pondering on the ramifications of the current war between the Green Lantern Corps and the Sinestro Corps.

So have decided to reuse these little tidbits about myself as they are the closest things to secrets that I have:

- I was born from a fog somewhere in the hills of West Virginia. I'm not sure who my father is, but after some extensive research I have narrowed it down to either plant or animal.

- I'm not sure which year or century I was actually born, but I crawled out of the woods in 1970.

- I have two older half-brothers who are relatively famous: Pumpkinhead and the Mothman.

- The Mothman and I used to keep in touch on a regular basis, but me and Pumpkinhead haven't spoken since he threw away all of his DC comic books and started reading Marvel comic books instead because he claims they're "more adult".

- I speak four major languages: English, Spanish, Klingon, and Thanagarian.

- I've never left this planet, at least at anytime that I'm aware of.

- I picked up the newest Fantastic Four comic book off the shelf at the newsstand and thumbed through it before I knew what I was doing. Upon returning home, it took five showers to make me feel normal again (I think I'm going to call that store and ask them if they'll cover up those types of comic books so that such temptations can be avoided in the future. Dr. Doom? I mean come on).

- Our lives growing up were pretty normal. Me, Pumpkinhead, and the Mothman fought just like all brothers do, we all played sports in high school, listened to country, heavy metal, and rap, got decent grades and participated in school events, etc.. Some people thought we were a little odd, but really, we're just like everybody else.


*The pictures in this post are (in order) me, Pumpkinhead, and Mothman's senior pictures- we never really did care much for tuxedos.

DC Comictician 'o Meter

Check out this site. It places each of the presidential candidates in a circle based on their belief on the character called "God" from the comic book known as the Holy Bible.

Below is a picture which demonstrates where each candidate is on the DC Comictician Meter:


The fact that there ain't no names on this wheel is no accident. Not a single one of the candidates have expressed any support for the Green Lantern Corps or for the Justice League of America's fight against the Legion of Doom.

The only thing the candidates from either party are going to win in the end are 12 x 12 cells within the gates of Arkham Asylum.

Hat Tip to Raging Red for the link.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Damn, How Did We Miss This Deadline?

I wish we could have demanded got in on this too. After all, we know the Truth about evolution and intelligent design.

But good luck to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They deserve equal time.

Flying Spaghetti Monster demanding equal time


Mankind has many religions — Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism — and don't overlook Pastafarianism.

At least, I think that's what it's called because the “religion's” adherents refer to themselves as Pastafarians. It's more commonly known as Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, or FSM.

Maybe you haven't heard of FSM. Its Pastafarians believe that a being known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe.

But, according to an Associated Press story, discussions of their beliefs will be on the agenda this weekend when religious scholars convene in San Diego for the annual meeting of the American Academy of Religion.

Nobody takes the Pastafarians seriously, least of all the Pastafarians, but serious scholars think the religion's growing fame in popular culture raises important questions about the essence of religion.

According to the AP, Pastafarianism emerged in 2005 during a debate in Kansas over the teaching of intelligent design in public school science classes.

Supporters of intelligent design question the validity of evolution theory and believe that the complexity of the universe is so great that science alone cannot explain it. Critics see it as religious faith masquerading as science.

A guy named Bobby Henderson, a young physics graduate, sent a letter to the Kansas School Board. He facetiously claimed to speak for 10 million followers of a being called the Flying Spaghetti Monster and demanded that their views be given equal time.

“We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it,” Henderson wrote. As for scientific evidence to the contrary, “what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage.”



Read this rest here.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Two Visions, One Choice

Last night, I was sleeping comfortably when I was quickly awoken by a group of Watchtower employees and transported to place that is painfully hard to describe.

We entered a gate where I could hear screaming and wicked laughter and gnashing of teeth.

Our DC Heroes wanted me to see firsthand what Arkham Asylum really looked like. And let me tell you, folks, I have never seen such terrific horrors. The temperature was way too hot as if there were some eternal coal stove being stoked in some dark, damp boiler room below the first floor.

People were bouncing off the walls. Some were screaming out for Spiderman, others were wrapped in straight jackets drooling and muttering incomprehensible blabber. I saw the Joker, the Penguin, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze, the Mad Hatter, and Harvey "Two-Face" Dent. Although they too were writhing in pain, they seemed to act like those dominating thugs you see on MSNBC's Lockup. They seemed to add to the torture that was already prevalent inside these walls of doom and dread.

Then these Watchtower employees whisked me to another place. It was hall made of gold and silver. Joy and happiness filled the air. This was the Hall of Justice. It was comfortable and seasonally warm with a crisp and cozy breeze of autumn flowing throughout the majestic abode.

Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, the Flash, Hawkgirl, the Martian Manhunter, and Green Lantern- John Stewart sat around a glorious round conference table smiling. Other Justice League and Justice Society members were hanging around with welcoming smiles. All around me was bliss and that cozy sensation of almighty justice and righteousness.

Then I was back in bed and realized what I had to do. I had to get the word out and let people know that we all have a choice. We can live by the Word of the DC Comics and Justice League of America and experience eternal bliss. Or we can sit around watching Anime; plotting the perfect jewelery store robbery and be condemned to the wicked halls of Arkham Asylum.

The choice has been laid out for us. Which path will you take?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Ask the DC Comictician

I recently received a bunch of letters asking questions about various aspects of life. I'll try to answer each of them as best I can. One thing is for certain, you won't find any answers here.

Dear High Priest of Truth,

Does the First Church of the DC Comictican and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have rules about sexuality or what couples can or cannot do when they are alone?

-Devoted Adherent to the Word of Batgirl

Dear Adherent,

No, we do not have any rules governing any aspects of sexuality.

First off, we know that Batwoman is gay and she has done more to help stop the Joker in one day then Jerry Falwell did in his whole freakin' lifetime. And we really would like to see one of these fat ass, loud mouth TV preachers tell Her that She is living wrong.

There is also Lieutenant Hawk who served as helm aboard the Enterprise E. He gave his life defending Earth from a Borg invasion. I wonder where Pastor John Hagee was during that event. Sitting on the toilet reading the Washington Post?

Plus, the Batman teaches us that what we choose to do in our own bedrooms is our business and our business alone. Quite frankly, we think that anyone who believes otherwise is a complete fuckin' jackass.


Dear Reverend D.,

Where does the First Church stand on abortion and stem cell research?

-Supporter of the Green Lantern Corps

Dear Supporter,

We also believe that abortion should be a personal decision without any outside interference. If anyone thinks they can tell Wonder Woman or the Black Canary what they can do with their bodies, they are welcome to try.

As for stem cell research, we support it too. Not supporting any scientific advancement through medicine is an affront and an offense to the Atom, Ray Palmer. He would gladly smite anyone who stood in the way of His progress and research with a plague of locusts.

Dear Reverend Elvis,

Last night, our family watched a PBS Nova special on Intelligent Design versus Evolution. Do you have the answers?

-Apostate for Councilor Troi

Dear Apostate,

I don't have the answers, but Starfleet Command does. There is no "versus" in this equation. Both evolution and intelligent design are known facts. An alien race called the Preservers spread their DNA throughout the galaxy which eventually evolved into humanoids.

Now you see, there are some people who will insist that life was created by random chance. Ridiculous. I suppose these people also think the shape-shifters in the Gamma Quadrant just evolved out of nowhere.

Equally absurd is the idea that this God figure from the comic book called the Bible created everything in seven days. Simple logic can disprove this notion: how can anyone who hasn't discovered warp drive capabilities create beings as complicated as humans, Klingons, Andorians, the Ferangi, and Romulans? I rest my case.

Public schools should stop worrying about what textbooks to use for Biology class and start showing all seven seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Anything else is going to leave our children confused and divisive. It doesn't have to be this way, folks.


Dear Reverend High Priest,

We hear that when you aren't out spreading the good word of Batgirl and sharing Starfleet Command's love for humanity you make a mean taco salad. Is it true?

-In Love with Captain Picard's Wisdom

Dear In Love,

Yes, it is true. Here is the recipe:

Just brown some ground beef with your taco seasoning and mix it with the following:

1 tomato
1 medium sized onion
1 chopped up head of lettuce
2 small cans of sliced black olives
1 can of pinto beans (drain whatever that slimy, toxic preservative shit is they put in those cans)
1 8 oz bag of cheddar cheese
1 small jar of salsa (optional)
1 bottle of Catalina or sweet French dressing
1 bag of crushed up tortilla chips

Just throw all that in a big bowl and stick it the fridge. Add sour cream and fresh tortillas to the each sreving if you like.

Thank you all for submitting your questions. Remember, it is our duty to help bring you closer to Batman and Captain James T. Kirk so if you have any questions, feel free to email me at:

elvisdrinkmo@gmail.com

or leave a comment here.

Thanks again and may Superman always smile down upon you.


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Monday, November 12, 2007

Music

Unlike some world religions, we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets encourage people to listen and talk about music. In light of this wonderful news, there is a new discussion board for the faithful to check out and it's called Shiny, Shiny Pants.

And always remember that the music you listen to should be at least be as diverse as the Green Lantern Corps and the Alpha Qudrant itself. Our Heroes and Holy Starfleet Captains demand nothing less.


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Sunday, November 11, 2007

Fatwa #6 On Marvel Comics

The Elders spent all of yesterday praying, singing, rejoicing, and spinning in circles when a revelation suddenly hit them. They received a message through subspace from Starfleet Command on the need to modify a fatwa that forbids anyone who has discovered the Truth from partaking in Marvel comics inspired entertainment.

Fatwa #6: The First Church of the DC Comictician hereby permits you watch the following movies with the understanding that these are only works of fiction and not prophesies or literal stories from the only true Heroes in this dimension and others which can only be found in DC Comics:

X-Men
X-Men United
Daredevil
Elektra
Spiderman 2 and 3
The Fantastic Four
The Incredible Hulk

You may also look at Marvel comic books, but no more than two, throughout any given week of year. More than two glances inside of Marvel Comics in one week will be considered an offense to this church and everything in this Universe that is held True.

However, in order to assure our Heroes that you place no other heroes before them you must kneel, facing in the direction of Gotham City and repeat the following words: Bruce Wayne is the only true Batman and Robin is His partner.

Ghost Rider is still forbidden because of his close proximity to Legion of Doom member, Atomic Skull. Viewing such blasphemy will earn you nothing less than eternal punishment in the afterlife. The First Spiderman movie, the third X-Men, and Rise of the Silver Surfer are also forbidden for reasons that only the Elders can explain.

We thank our Heroes for being merciful and showing such undeniable leniency. Truly, they are the most generous of all Heroes. We praise their wisdom and thank them for being the loving, forgiving protectors of the dimension and others.


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Saturday, November 10, 2007

A Prayer for Strength: Batgirl

Good evening, friends. Please, let us bow our heads together in prayer.

Dear Batgirl,

We thank you for everything you have done to protect us from the Penguin and the Riddler. We ask that you keep fighting these deadly foes who hate us for our freedoms and because we elect our representatives.

We also ask that you smack all of our opponents and enemies upside the head with a baterang, so they may all see how serious we are about finding nonviolent solutions to the world's problems. We ask that you show these nonbelievers and infidels the true meaning of peace, love and understanding by beating them down and dragging their broken bodies straight to the eternal gates of Arkham Asylum.

Batgirl, we ask that you give us the strength to fight the inner criminals which lurk within us as well. We know that we are barely worthy of your grace and your patience, but we call upon you for strength and protection because of the glory that is your name. For we are all born with the Original Sinister and only through you can we be cleansed.

For you so loved the world that you took a bullet from the Joker while trying to keep us safe. We must strive every minute to make ourselves worthy of your sacrifice.

O Batgirl, we celebrate thee and we will never forget how you have bailed the Dynamic Duo out of so many hopeless situations. We pray that you will help bail us out ours too.

In the Second Robin's name, we pray,

Amen

Friday, November 9, 2007

The Workings of a Known Legion Sympathizer

That's right, folks. Known Legion of Doom sympathizer and operative, Drew Carey, has confirmed our suspicions that he's on the Lex Luthor's payroll.

In an earlier post, we discussed how Bob Barker worked tirelessly throughout his career keeping Batman's arch-villains from hijacking the Price Is Right and putting incorrect prices on things like toasters to throw the audience off in order to create mayhem. Then along comes Drew Carey and next thing you know rumors began to circulate around the Alpha Quadrant that he was considering Mr. Freeze and Harvey "Two-Face" Dent to fill in as the game show's new announcers.

And now there's this.

Mr. Carey is pushing for the legalization of marijuana. It's hard to believe that anyone without sinister ties to all things evil would even consider legalizing something that kills millions of people everyday and makes young people commit horrendous acts of villainy; terrifying things like chilling out on the couch and listening to Bob Marley.

It is unimaginable what this could do to the fabric of our society: more people listening to jazz, playing soccer, hanging around in groups of three or more, getting along in bars, and relieving their pain, stress, and anxiety. It cannot be allowed to stand!

So here's a video from Drew Carey defending medicinal marijuana at You Tube:




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A Nation Without Morals

How difficult it is today living in a nation where the values taught by DC Comics no longer mean anything; a nation where an "anything goes" attitude extends like a feeding tube directly into the Legion of Doom's headquarters.

Did Superman fight to save Metropolis just so all these ungrateful people could line up around the block to see Ghost Rider or Spiderman 3? Our Heroes tell us that we are to have no other heroes before them. Yet in this morally defunct society, people think it's perfectly alright to kneel down before the alter of the Fantastic Four.

The following comes from AP and none of it surprises me.

Imports also rose in September, climbing by 0.6 percent to $196.6 billion, the second highest level on record. Imports of foreign-made cars, televisions and clothing were all up. Oil imports, however, fell by 0.8 percent to $10.5 billion, an improvement that is likely to be temporary given the recent surge in oil prices to close to $100 per barrel.

The deficit with China rose 5.5 percent to $23.8 billion, second only to a $24.4 billion deficit in October 2006. Imports surged to the second highest level on record, pushed up by big gains in imports of Chinese-made televisions, cell phones, computers and toys as retailers stocked their shelves for Christmas.

Those gains were occurring despite a string of high-profile recalls of Chinese products this year — everything from toys with lead paint to defective tires and chemical-tainted toothpaste and pet food ingredients.


That's right the country we believe conspired with the Joker to taint Batman toys got a 5.5% trade deficit increase. Why? Possibly because more than half our government is on the Legion of Doom's payroll. And while the media is trying to keep up with the Silver Surfer our nation keeps spiraling downward. They need to be calling for nationwide tribunals.

Don't get me wrong, selling our entire economy to China is fine just as long as we practice the morals and understand the teachings of the JLA. If we live our lives with Batman in hearts, we don't need to worry about free agreements that send our jobs overseas. Once every single manufacturing job has been shipped out of the country, we can all just go to work for Jonn Jones and Mr. Terrific. But that won't be possible into we turn this into a nation that follows DC morals and celebrates the wonderful blessings bestowed upon us by Hawkgirl.

If we could just put Superman back in the classroom, our problems would quickly disappear and we wouldn't even have to raise taxes to offer our children better educations. Barbara Gordon is Batgirl and Superman is from Krypton. What more do they need to know? What would it hurt to teach our children about the wonderful blessings of the Martian Manhunter and let them offer praise to Batman before every class is dismissed?

Because I can tell you, friends, if we continue to forsake the Black Canary and Green Arrow, our nation will continue slipping into the hands of Lex Luthor, Gorilla Grodd, and the entire Legion of Doom. Once they've completed their sinister plans to rule the world under one flag, their own, all hope will be lost.


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Thursday, November 8, 2007

Who Are the Elders?

Many people have wondered, who are these Elders to whom the High Priest Elvis D. keeps referring?

Well, the Elders are a group of sentient beings who interpret DC Comics and Star Trek episodes and then relay that Truth to me and the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. They are closer to our Superheroes and Holy Starfleet Captains then the average mortal or non-commissioned officer. Therefore, every single thing that the Elders say is True. One does not question their wisdom unless one is looking to check in at Arkham Asylum and never check out.

They speak to Batman daily, so it is always best to heed their words. Their commands come directly from Starfleet Command and they are the only commands you ever need to know- unless you plan on learning to speak Borg.

They have asked me to share these photos of a very important meeting concerned some newly discovered Legion of Doom sympathizers and operatives. Their names cannot be disclosed and no other information can be revealed to the public because Lex Luthor, Gorilla Grodd, and the Cardassian Obsidian Order are most likely monitoring our every attempt to get the Truth out and to teach people of Superman's love for humanity.

These are not all of the Elders, just the ones who happen to be in the quadrant. Let us all thank Batgirl for their presence, their commitment, their teachings. Together with the Elders, we can shed a little light on the Legion of Doom's dark world.

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Apologies Again

Once again it has been brought the Elders' attention that emails and comments to the First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have been bouncing.

At first we thought that the Lex Luthor was behind this and then we began discussing the possibility that the folks at Google have been assimilated by the Borg. But since we have two email accounts that have nothing to do with Google, we must assume that there is a greater conspiracy going on here. Perhaps, the Borg and the Legion of Doom have also gotten to Yahoo and MSN. Or perhaps the Borg has formed a temporary alliance with the Dominion (worse yet, the Borg has conquered the Dominion and is now using their technology against those of us who are trying to get the Truth out). Or maybe Black Manta has thrown his hat into the ring. Who knows?

Whatever the case may be, the Elders would like to reassure everyone that we have banned no one from our church. (Some Christians might do that, but DC Comicticians do not. Superman commands us to reach out to the masses and convince them of his might, regardless of their sinisters and their trespasses.)

Again, our apologies. Always remember; there is nothing in this world that goes wrong which cannot be directly blamed on the Legion of Doom and their sympathizers.

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Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Captain Jean Luc Picard's Witnesses

The Elders have been investigating these people who keep coming to the door with mini comic books to promote their big comic book. They call themselves Jehovah's Witnesses. For those who haven't been following, Jehovah is the alter ego of the superhero they call God. Are these people naive or are they Legion of Doom sympathizers?

Either way, we'll stick with Bruce Wayne and Barbara Gordon, thanks.

After all, when the end comes, our Heroes will decide who is going to join them in the Hall of Justice and who is going to be eternally locked away in Arkham Asylum. Starfleet will decide who gets to beam aboard the Enterprise and who will be sent in a shuttle craft to the nearest Borg Cube for assimilation. When you worship this Jehovah alone, aka God, without offering daily praises to Starfleet Command and our Holy Starfleet Captains, you are most likely creating a Borg alcove with your name written all over it. Once you become one with the collective, it is too late for redemption unless you are Seven of Nine (and you're not).

So going back this blasphemy that dares to call itself the Watchtower; something which goes against everything that the Martian Manhunter has tried to teach us. We find this:

Faith in these promises is not a matter of credulity. "Faith follows the thing heard." By studying God's Word, its wisdom becomes apparent and faith grows.—Romans 10:17; Hebrews 11:1.

Biblical archaeology confirms much of the Bible's historical accuracy. True science harmonizes with the Bible. The following facts were in the Bible long before they were discovered by secular scholars: the order of stages through which the earth passed in its development, that the earth is round, that it hangs in space on nothing, and that birds migrate.—Genesis, chapter 1; Isaiah 40:22; Job 26:7; Jeremiah 8:7.

The inspiration of the Bible is shown by fulfilled prophecies. Daniel foretold in advance the rise and the fall of world powers, as well as the time when the Messiah would come and be put to death. (Daniel, chapters 2, 8; 9:24-27) Today, still other prophecies are being fulfilled, identifying these as "the last days." (2 Timothy 3:1-5; Matthew, chapter 24) Such foreknowledge is not within man's power. (Isaiah 41:23) For more confirmation, see the books The Bible—God's Word or Man's? and Is There a Creator Who Cares About You?, published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society.

And here I thought the Bible made constant references to "the four corners of the earth." Last I heard round objects have no corners. This could be one of God's superpowers: creating corners on spheres because there is little in their comic book that convinces me and the Elders that he has any other ones. Aside from that turning people in to salt pillars thing, which could easily be undone by a few words from the almighty Zatanna.

Science from the Bible? You mean like the story of Adam and Eve, two little fawns living in some magical garden who populated the entire planet after Jehovah gave them the big boot for biting into some damn apple.

The Star Trek scriptures, on the other hand, tell us the real story of how life formed on this planet. First, our DNA was placed here by the Preservers and this DNA was programmed to evolve into creatures which would eventually resemble them. (ST Next Generation Season 6: Episode 146) Second, Captain Jean Luc Picard was whisked back into time by Q where we learn that life first formed with the electronic combustion of two single celled organisms swirling around in a pool of mud. (ST Next Generation Season 7: Episode 177-78) The scriptures couldn't be any clearer about this.

Now, we come this prophet named Daniel. He may have predicted the rise and fall of certain empires, but he failed to predict the discovery of the Bajoran wormhole to the Gamma Quadrant (ST DS9 Season 1: Chapter 1) and failed to predict the explosion of the Klingon moon Praxis; an event which would lead to peace between United Federation of Planets and the Klingon Empire after nearly a hundred years of unending hostility. (ST 6: Undiscovered County)

I mean what's more important, the Babylonians conquering a few tribes or the Dominion coming through a wormhole and damn near conquering the entire Alpha Quadrant. Priorities, people.

So here is our invitation. Come and kneel before the real Watchtower. Join us as Picard's Witnesses and embrace the Truth that can only come from DC Comics and all five of the Holy Star Trek spinoffs.

We are all offered a choice. Become one with the JLA and Starfleet or become one with the Borg and fall prey to the Legion of Doom's sinister plans. Choose wisely.


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A Grave Day for the DC Comictician

Folks, I ask for your prayers in the upcoming days.

My grandson came over and just look at the towel he brought with him. Spiderman!

I'm not sure what I've done wrong. I've tried to teach my family about the wonderful blessings that have been bestowed upon us by the Elongated Man, Hawkgirl, Batman and our sacred Heroes from the JLA. With every ounce of my spiritual strength I've tried to warn them of the false heroes from Marvel Comics.

I ask Superman and Wonder Woman to give me strength in these trying days when our Marvel-biased media has created such a world that even one of my own would fall prey to their false teachings. I ask Batman for the wisdom to solve this riddle on how to combat Marvel's spreading influence across the globe.

And I must remember that this could have been worse. My grandkids could have dressed up as the X-Men for Halloween. Thank Batgirl, they didn't.

Monday, November 5, 2007

The War on the Federation

There is a war being waged against the United Federation of Planets as we speak and this war has not been declared by the Romulans or the Dominion or even the Borg. This war is being waged by secular humanists and nihilists who refuse to teach our children about the four quadrants in Astrophysics class. These people do not believe that James T. Kirk was in command of the Starship Enterprise on a five year mission to explore strange new worlds and seek out new life and new civilizations. They do not believe that the Klingons came from Qo'nos nor do they believe in the existence of the Bajoran wormhole. And they want to drag all of us down with them into their swamp of blasphemy and smut.

On October 11th in 2161, the United Federation of Planets was formed. Humans, Andorians, Vulcans, and Tellarites came together to sign a charter of peace and cooperation. But do you think that one single courthouse in this country bothered to a fly even one flag of UFP? Do you think that one single panaroma was set up on public property displaying the scene of first contact between Vulcans and humans? Were there any light displays to honor the newly found friendship between these groups of aliens or hymns sang in public schools praising the founders of the Federation? Did a single American school even hold a pageant in their gymnasium? Did one single retail clerk wish anyone a Happy Federation Day this past October 11th?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are wrong. No. Not one single salute was made on public property to Starfleet Command or any one of our Holy Starfleet Captains. This country has sunk so far into the pit immorality that the only values anyone seems to embrace these days are those of the Borg Collective. Captain Jean Luc Picard apparently isn't good enough for our tax dollars anymore. It is a disgrace, a disgrace and an offense to everything that we, as Terrans, hold to be True.

And it wouldn't surprise me if the PC police felt that honoring Captain Kirk's bravery just one day out of the year might offend people who believe in fictional doctrines like Battlestar Galactica or Stargate Atlantis.

Contact your representatives today and tell them you want an amendment added to the Constitution that would allow for this country to celebrate United Federation of Planets Day the way it should!

(If you wondering why we are late on this story, we are just gearing up for another holiday which takes place on December 25th. That was the day that Dick Grayson finished his training and took his rightful place at Batman's side as Robin. There had goddamn better well be Batcave scenes set up on every courthouse lawn portraying this important and momentous occasion or there is going to be hell to pay.)


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Saturday, November 3, 2007

The World's #1 Selling Comic Book

Some people dropped by the house and left me some of their comic books which speaks of some superhero whose only superpower appears to be turning water into wine and people into pillars of salt.

In one of their pamphlets they claim that the King James Version of the Holy Bible is the number selling comic book in the world. (In close second is another one called Quotations from Chairman Mao Zedong.)

So how can it be that so many people in this world would deny the awesome power of the Black Canary and our other Heroes from the Justice League of America?

Well, let us start with these people who keep coming to the front door of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. They call themselves the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Here is what they have to say:

The Bible identifies Jehovah as the only true God. (Psalm 83:18; John 17:3) The prophet Isaiah recorded God’s own words when he said: “Before me there was no God formed, and after me there continued to be none. I—I am Jehovah, and besides me there is no savior.”—Isaiah 43:10, 11.

All the other gods are not merely inferior to Jehovah. In most cases they are nonexistent—strictly figments of human imagination. The Bible refers to these gods as “the product of the hands of man . . . , which cannot see or hear or eat or smell.” (Deuteronomy 4:28) The Bible plainly teaches that Jehovah is the only true God.

It is no wonder that the Scriptures sternly warn against worshipping any deity other than Jehovah. For instance, in the first of the Ten Commandments given to Moses, the ancient nation of Israel was told not to worship any other god. (Exodus 20:3) Why?

First, to venerate a god that does not even exist is a great insult to the Creator. The worshippers of these false gods are described in the Bible as having “exchanged the truth of God for the lie and venerated and rendered sacred service to the creation rather than the One who created.” (Romans 1:25) Often these imaginary gods are represented by idols made of materials found in nature, such as metal or wood. Many deities are associated with certain aspects of nature, such as thunder, the oceans, and the wind. Surely, then, the veneration of such pseudo gods is a gross act of disrespect to the Almighty God.

First off, these people call their newsletter and official website the Watchtower. This is a clear and blatant violation of the Martian Manhunter's glorious success at helping to assemble the Justice League of America.

For the Flash saith unto J'onn Jones:

You're calling all the big guns. I don't know J'onn. I need to be in Keystone. The Rouges are a lot to handle. I can't imagine ebing out out in space for months at a time or halfway around the world when I'm needed here. (JLA Classified 44: Frame 30)

To which the Martian Manhunter tells the Flash and us:

Let me show you something. This is the Watchtower. The new League will be based on the moon with multiple satellite access with which to monitor the planet. (JLA Classified 44: Frames 45-47)

Now, I don't know about you, but I didn't see anything about this Jehovah in J'onn's words. The big guns the Flash was talking about was Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman. So why would these "witnesses" be using the sacred name of the Watchtower for their base? The Flash was asked to join, not Jehovah- the scriptures make that clear.

We know that this God, alias Jehovah, has not applied for affiliation with the Justice League of America so we know he isn't there where the real war against all things evil is being waged. It makes no sense. There is only one Watchtower; the Word of DC Comics makes this clear to us.

Second is this whole idea that there can be only one superhero. Ridiculous. I mean even someone as powerful as Superman or Power Girl couldn't take down all of the arch-criminals that rise up everyday. This so-called superhero named God is so busy being jealous and disdainful of any other hero that he refuses to fight along side others in the battle against the Legion of Doom and the minions of Apokolips. Folks, that's no superhero.

We here at the First Church embrace all of our Heroes as essential to preserving our way of life. The idea that we would abandon the others in favor of only one is justly plainly absurd; unless, of course, the only villain you're concerned about is the weak-ass, evil minion wannabe named Satan.

So the next time these Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door and ask me to join, I'll tell them that I'll join just as soon as God is accepted into the JLA- the League of the only true Heroes of this dimension and others by the Martian Manhunter, himself. As soon as Jehovah takes his place with the multitude of other Superheroes and shares his powers with theirs, I'll add him to the prayer list.


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Monday, October 29, 2007

Comic Book Figure Fails to Help Colorado Rockies Win the World Series

The Colorado Rockies attribute their success to winning the National League championship to the comic book figure called God- the same "superhero" who stood by and did nothing while the Borg assimilated Captain Picard and turned him into Locutus. The Rockies should have been praying to Commander Riker.

According to the British Independent Online:

As it turns out, that's exactly how the Colorado Rockies – a team who previously seemed to be little more than a punching bag for the bigger, better, more lavishly funded organisations who play America's favourite sport – view their nail-biting, against-the-odds, come-back-from-way-behind progress into this autumn's post-season.

The team's chief executive is a born-again Christian. So is the general manager and the team coach. Their two star players, along with many other members of their regular line-up, are not only believers but attend team-organised Bible studies.

The team doesn't like to talk about it much – mainly because the overlords of Major League Baseball don't think it's good for business – but they have an explicit policy to recruit as many Christian ball players as they can.

In other words, the Rockies – uniquely, even in a country as religion-obsessed as America – play faith-based baseball. And, in their view, God just rewarded them – big time.

Sure, that guy who turns water into wine may have helped them make it the World Series, but four games later, God must have taken an extended Sabbath because the Boston Red Sox creamed their asses. Next time maybe they should ask this Lord Almighty to persuade the NL to change the policy on making their pitchers bat.

Now, imagine this. Wonder Woman on 2nd base, Hawkgirl in right field, Supergirl in left, and Green Lantern in center. Pitching- Superman with Power Girl as relief. Flash at shortstop, Black Canary on 3rd and Batman behind the plate. This what coaches and owners ought to praying for. At least it would make about as much sense as praying to some invisible God figure for a post season victory.

(And doesn't this "almighty" being who is supposed to be in control the universe have better things to concern himself with than baseball? I mean baseball is what sixteen year old boys are told to think about when they're having sex- in order to prolong the event. Somehow, I think this God figure has bigger things to worry about than premature ejaculation- then again, maybe that's the problem. "There's a war on God. Just think about baseball, just think about baseball.")

Nevertheless.

Hat Tip to Infinity Ranch for the article on pious athletics.


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