Ask the DC Comictician

I recently received a bunch of letters asking questions about various aspects of life. I'll try to answer each of them as best I can. One thing is for certain, you won't find any answers here.

Dear High Priest of Truth,

Does the First Church of the DC Comictican and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have rules about sexuality or what couples can or cannot do when they are alone?

-Devoted Adherent to the Word of Batgirl

Dear Adherent,

No, we do not have any rules governing any aspects of sexuality.

First off, we know that Batwoman is gay and she has done more to help stop the Joker in one day then Jerry Falwell did in his whole freakin' lifetime. And we really would like to see one of these fat ass, loud mouth TV preachers tell Her that She is living wrong.

There is also Lieutenant Hawk who served as helm aboard the Enterprise E. He gave his life defending Earth from a Borg invasion. I wonder where Pastor John Hagee was during that event. Sitting on the toilet reading the Washington Post?

Plus, the Batman teaches us that what we choose to do in our own bedrooms is our business and our business alone. Quite frankly, we think that anyone who believes otherwise is a complete fuckin' jackass.

Dear Reverend D.,

Where does the First Church stand on abortion and stem cell research?

-Supporter of the Green Lantern Corps

Dear Supporter,

We also believe that abortion should be a personal decision without any outside interference. If anyone thinks they can tell Wonder Woman or the Black Canary what they can do with their bodies, they are welcome to try.

As for stem cell research, we support it too. Not supporting any scientific advancement through medicine is an affront and an offense to the Atom, Ray Palmer. He would gladly smite anyone who stood in the way of His progress and research with a plague of locusts.

Dear Reverend Elvis,

Last night, our family watched a PBS Nova special on Intelligent Design versus Evolution. Do you have the answers?

-Apostate for Councilor Troi

Dear Apostate,

I don't have the answers, but Starfleet Command does. There is no "versus" in this equation. Both evolution and intelligent design are known facts. An alien race called the Preservers spread their DNA throughout the galaxy which eventually evolved into humanoids.

Now you see, there are some people who will insist that life was created by random chance. Ridiculous. I suppose these people also think the shape-shifters in the Gamma Quadrant just evolved out of nowhere.

Equally absurd is the idea that this God figure from the comic book called the Bible created everything in seven days. Simple logic can disprove this notion: how can anyone who hasn't discovered warp drive capabilities create beings as complicated as humans, Klingons, Andorians, the Ferangi, and Romulans? I rest my case.

Public schools should stop worrying about what textbooks to use for Biology class and start showing all seven seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Anything else is going to leave our children confused and divisive. It doesn't have to be this way, folks.

Dear Reverend High Priest,

We hear that when you aren't out spreading the good word of Batgirl and sharing Starfleet Command's love for humanity you make a mean taco salad. Is it true?

-In Love with Captain Picard's Wisdom

Dear In Love,

Yes, it is true. Here is the recipe:

Just brown some ground beef with your taco seasoning and mix it with the following:

1 tomato
1 medium sized onion
1 chopped up head of lettuce
2 small cans of sliced black olives
1 can of pinto beans (drain whatever that slimy, toxic preservative shit is they put in those cans)
1 8 oz bag of cheddar cheese
1 small jar of salsa (optional)
1 bottle of Catalina or sweet French dressing
1 bag of crushed up tortilla chips

Just throw all that in a big bowl and stick it the fridge. Add sour cream and fresh tortillas to the each sreving if you like.

Thank you all for submitting your questions. Remember, it is our duty to help bring you closer to Batman and Captain James T. Kirk so if you have any questions, feel free to email me at:

elvisdrinkmo@gmail.com

or leave a comment here.

Thanks again and may Superman always smile down upon you.


Tags:
700 Club, John Hagee, Christian Broadcasting Network, Pat Robertson, TV Religion, Jerry Falwell