Monday, November 5, 2007

The War on the Federation

There is a war being waged against the United Federation of Planets as we speak and this war has not been declared by the Romulans or the Dominion or even the Borg. This war is being waged by secular humanists and nihilists who refuse to teach our children about the four quadrants in Astrophysics class. These people do not believe that James T. Kirk was in command of the Starship Enterprise on a five year mission to explore strange new worlds and seek out new life and new civilizations. They do not believe that the Klingons came from Qo'nos nor do they believe in the existence of the Bajoran wormhole. And they want to drag all of us down with them into their swamp of blasphemy and smut.

On October 11th in 2161, the United Federation of Planets was formed. Humans, Andorians, Vulcans, and Tellarites came together to sign a charter of peace and cooperation. But do you think that one single courthouse in this country bothered to a fly even one flag of UFP? Do you think that one single panaroma was set up on public property displaying the scene of first contact between Vulcans and humans? Were there any light displays to honor the newly found friendship between these groups of aliens or hymns sang in public schools praising the founders of the Federation? Did a single American school even hold a pageant in their gymnasium? Did one single retail clerk wish anyone a Happy Federation Day this past October 11th?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are wrong. No. Not one single salute was made on public property to Starfleet Command or any one of our Holy Starfleet Captains. This country has sunk so far into the pit immorality that the only values anyone seems to embrace these days are those of the Borg Collective. Captain Jean Luc Picard apparently isn't good enough for our tax dollars anymore. It is a disgrace, a disgrace and an offense to everything that we, as Terrans, hold to be True.

And it wouldn't surprise me if the PC police felt that honoring Captain Kirk's bravery just one day out of the year might offend people who believe in fictional doctrines like Battlestar Galactica or Stargate Atlantis.

Contact your representatives today and tell them you want an amendment added to the Constitution that would allow for this country to celebrate United Federation of Planets Day the way it should!

(If you wondering why we are late on this story, we are just gearing up for another holiday which takes place on December 25th. That was the day that Dick Grayson finished his training and took his rightful place at Batman's side as Robin. There had goddamn better well be Batcave scenes set up on every courthouse lawn portraying this important and momentous occasion or there is going to be hell to pay.)



JDB said...

That's about the same time as Columbus Day. Can we ensure that federal employees get two days off to celebrate them separately?

Buzzardbilly said...

totally off topic, but...
I linked my post today to your Batgirl post. Didn't know whether to leave the comment here or there.

Elvis Drinkmo said...

Thanks, Buzzard Billy.

Indeed, JDB. Although I'm unaware of this Columbus you speak of, I think an event as important as United Federation of Planets Day should last for at least a week. We should also set aside at least one day to take down names of the people who are not properly celebrating. That way once we've returned this nation to its Federation and DC Comics roots we'll know who to drag before the tribunals.