A 2 Part Series:
In a nearby town, the high school's sports teams are called the Blue Devils. Another nearby town has the Red Devils. Religious figures have often called on these names to be changed because they believe that the Devil really exists and we should not be encouraging support for this evil master of the dark realm.
Pat Robertson's 700 Club and other fundamentalist organizations routinely call for the banning of Halloween for much the same reason: we shouldn't be encouraging our kids to dress up as goblins and witches because they believe such characters are real and do the daily work of Satan, himself.
Well, the other day I got to looking around and I noticed something wasn't right. People everywhere are wearing Nikes. Aside from the fact that Nike Inc. is king when it comes to exploiting sweatshop labor and charging $100 for a pair of shoes made by some ten year-old kid from the third world who makes about 5 cents an hour, I also couldn't help but notice that they also use the same logo as Captain Boomerang, a ruthless enemy of the Flash who devises explosive boomerangs to terrorize the people of Central City.
Clearly, this is unacceptable. From Wikipedia on this evil supervillian:
"Although he lacked any actual superhuman abilities, he became a recurring enemy of the Flash, typically by devising altered boomerangs which could produce astonishing effects (some would explode, others had razor-sharp edges, etc.), and using them ruthlessly. He became a staple member of the Rogues Gallery, a group of villains dedicated to opposing Flash."
Celebrating a staple member of the Rogues Gallery! This is an outrage. What's next? Pictures of Captain Cold on lunch boxes? Mirrors on people's tee-shirts that the Mirror Master could use to travel from dimension to dimension and control people's minds?
Before we start banning Halloween and removing devil logos from high school football teams, we need to get Captain Boomerang's logo off the street before this gets out of hand. It's an affront to justice everywhere and it's offensive to the Flash.
2nd Sermon in Series:
Some people still don't believe me when I tell them that America is lost. We, as a nation, have gone downhill since we began turning our backs on the Justice League. Ever since we've removed Superman from our public schools, "anything goes" is apparently this nation's motto.
Here's more proof. When I was pushing my buggy down the cosmetics aisle in the store yesterday, I couldn't help but notice something strange in the deodorant section. Ultra Dry Degree is using the symbol of Captain Boomerang to sell their product!
Along with Captain Cold and the Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang is one of the founding members of the Rogues Gallery, which is dedicated to destroying the Flash, our Scarlett Speedster. His boomerangs reek havoc everywhere, often exploding on impact. But despite all this, retail stores around the nation seem to have no moral qualms with spreading his image everywhere.
So I went directly to the store manager and demanded that these evil symbols of destruction and doom be pulled off their shelves immediately. Well, I was thrown out of the store and asked never to come back- if you can believe that.
And, folks, this about sums up where we are today. The heinous crimes of Captain Boomerang and his symbolism take precedence over the teachings and sacrifices of the Flash. Yet, people still wonder why we, as a nation, face so many problems in our daily lives.
I hope you realize just what it is you are doing when you apply this evil deodorant to your under arms after a shower. This is more than just some agent to keep your armpits dry; it's an agent of Gorilla Grodd, the Rogues Gallery, and the Legion of Doom.
We hereby demand that Degree and Nike shoes be removed from the public eye until they remove these offensive symbols from their product. No child anywhere should be exposed to this very real dangerous influence.