Sunday, February 15, 2009

Where Can You Find the Answers? Hint: Not the Holy Bible

I think we can all agree that this world is filled with madness.

It's a part of life we have to accept. You see we were all born with "the original sinister" which means that as soon as the doctor snips your umbilical cord you are planning the perfect diamond heist. Don't deny it. The first cry to come out your mouth can easily be translated as "I want to don a gaudy costume and become an arch-criminal". It is only through the Justice League of America and Starfleet Command that we can find salvation from a destiny Lex Luthor and the Borg Collective are more than happy to exploit.

But even the "original sinister" can't adequately explain the insanity one will find in the Baptist Times. We won't even mention how insulting it is to Aquaman that people think they can cleanse their souls by being submerged in water. If you can't communicate with fish while your under there, you're wasting your time and you're denying the Truth: Aquaman is the only King of Atlantis and Aqualad is His Partner.

But listen to this from "the Times":

Christians can make a 'fresh and distinctive' contribution to the public debate about this new capitalism, which 'marries wealth creation and social justice', the statement said.

For instance, the Bible teaches that wealth is a gift for the whole community. Wealth creation must serve a just society, and 'we therefore recognise the critical role for commercial enterprise in poverty alleviation,' the statement continued.

If these people really want to contribute to a positive economy, the first thing they can do is give up on that God who has no heat ray vision, utility belt, or golden magic lasso. Seriously, when was the last time you turned on a holy episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and saw Jesus Christ leading a Galaxy-class starship into battle with one of the Federation's lethal enemies.

The only thing the Bible teaches is that there is no planet called Vulcan and no dimension where Bizarro Superman reigns supreme. We find this insulting when the scriptures of DC Comics and Star Trek plainly show that both worlds exist and have daily meaning to each and every one of our lives. What part of "to boldly go where no man has gone before" do these people not understand?

Friends, we have a choice. An economy that reflects the morals of Batman and one that reflects the wicked ways of the Legion of Doom. It is better to die broke and unemployed and enter the Hall of Justice than it is to get a little money from this new bailout package and end up in one Arkham Asylum's straight jackets.

"Fresh and distinctive" is no substitute for pious and rigid. But, it would appear that for some the lesson won't be learned until they've been strapped down to a gurney and given a lobotomy by one of Arkham's tenured doctors.


Malach the Merciless said...

So when is your telethon?

Buzzardbilly said...

I was once married to a man named Christian. He was extremely un-Christlike, though there was a strange resemblance.

PS: I would love your opinion on a totally different type of goofing on Elvis at my Joaquin Pheonix: Andy, did you hear about this one? post. TY, tyvm