Monday, March 31, 2008

Vanilla Ice Cream is #1

Over at Donut Buzz, the campaign between righteous vanilla ice cream and blasphemous peanut butter chocolate is on.

The First Church of DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets proudly endorses Vanilla as the number one ice cream in the world. Unlike the fans of Anime, Harry Potter, and Marvel Comics, we recognize right versus wrong; good versus evil. Superman is right and good; Lex Luthor is wrong and bad.

This same pure logic can be applied to ice cream. There's Vanilla ice cream and then there's everything else. There is no need for any more questions at this point.

When I was young boy, we would stay at our grandmother's house while we watched Batman and Robin foil the sinister plans of the Riddler, the Egghead, and King Tut on the TV screen, she would make us homemade Vanilla ice cream that would make the Dynamic Duo's victories even sweeter. There wasn't none of this Rocky Road, Moose Tracks, Mint Patty, or Peanut Butter Chocolate. It was Vanilla and you ate every bite of it or Gramma was pissed.

So you see, Vanilla ain't just a flavor. It's a religious experience. Be sure to check out this spiritual video on why it your right and your duty to get on over to Donut Buzz and vote. And as always you need to vote the way the leaders of this church have ordered you to:

Vote Thrilla Vanilla

Sunday, March 30, 2008

King Kong!

We here at the First Church are always looking for new ways to terrorize people into acknowledging that everything we say is the Truth and that if they don't start heeding our words, Borg Cubes are going to surround the planet and start adding our biological and technological distinctiveness to their own.

So please welcome King Kong into our Holy Pantheon. And we are going to tell you right now that any mention of the word "Godzilla" will get you excommunicated from our Holy Sanctuaries and buy you an eternal sentence inside the walls of Arkham Asylum.

The Elders and I have always known that there was a seed of good in the blasphemous Marvelite heretic, Jackie from Saved by the Torso and in this case he has come through for our faith.

Thanks to Jackie, we now have a giant ape on top of the Empire State Building who is going hurl shit directly at you if you don't stop thinking and start believing. You infidels have left us with no choice.

Your future is at stake. Kneel down before the Warp Drive and give praise to King Kong before it is too late for you to redeem your soul.


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

American Public Schools: An Absolute Disgrace

We can't hammer this point home enough: America's public schools aren't making the grade. While they're busy teaching the children about useless things like math and science, they refuse to introduce Batgirl's wonders into the classroom.

Is it any wonder that this nation has lost its way? Anime, Harry Potter, Stargate Atlantis, and Marvel Comics are allowed run ramped while the Truth found inside the pages DC Comics are forbidden by our secular school boards and activist liberal judges. Can anyone really blame our children for not knowing right from wrong?

Well, we have two more beefs to add to the list.

1) In history class, why aren't the children learning about the DC Holy Crusades against the Marvelites when they occupied Gotham City and began replacing Batman's symbols with those of Spiderman and the (not-so) Fantastic Four. Are they afraid that they might make that darling of the liberal media, the Incredible Hulk, into some kind of monster? Probably.

2) So we have "history" class (which is faulty at best). Why is there no Future History Class? We already know what is going to happen. After WWIII wipes out most of humanity, the Vulcans are going to land in Montana and save us from ourselves. The Star Trek scriptures tell us that this will happen, yet kids are graduating from high school with little or no knowledge of what lies ahead.

When one looks at our schools, it's as though we want our children thinking for themselves and making the most of their lives without any gods, Heroes or Starfleet Officers. If history has taught us anything, it's that free thought and individual will are bad for a nation's safety and security. We need to take back to the basics which are grounded in DC Comics and the vision of a United Federation of Planets.

If free thinkers are allowed to develop then there will be no devastating third world war; hence no Starfleet headquarters in San Fransisco. If continue to ignore Batman's teachings then he will turn His back on us. And without Starfleet and Batman, there can be no peace.


Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Mr. Spock's Resurrection Day


Today is a very special day. It was on this day that Mr. Spock was resurrected on the Genesis planet from his coffin pod where he went on to help establish peace with the Klingon Empire. Let us all give praise for His amazing achievements.

The scriptures teach us about Mr. Spock. From the testaments of the Original Series we learn of how Spock was half Vulcan and half Terran. We know how difficult this must have been for Him; coping with his Vulcan logic and human emotions while serving aboard the Enterprise with an almost entirely human crew.

We learn in the scriptures of Wrath of Khan about how Mr. Spock gave his life saving His courageous crew from a warp core breach after being attacked by a vengeful maniac named Khan Noonian Singh.

His last words to our Holy Starfleet Captain, James T. Kirk, are ingrained upon the Star Trekiologist's psyche like so many beautiful works of art from Andoria. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one." Truly, Mr. Spock would lay down and die to preserve the values of the Federation and to save us all from the evil we face everyday of our lives from hostile aliens, angry gas clouds, and the Borg Collective.

But this wasn't the end of Mr. Spock's glory. The scriptures teach us of how Spock's katra was placed into Dr. Leonard McCoy's mind and his body was regenerated on what was known as the Genesis planet. Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy, Commander Montgomery Scott, and Lieutenant Commander Uhura went to the Genesis planet to make our beloved Vulcan officer whole again and Captain Kirk gave His only begotten son to the Klingons to fulfill this glorious prophesy.

And yet our secular society refuses to acknowledge the greatness of Mr. Spock and Captain James Tiberius Kirk. As Mild Red points out, they can't even get the Vulcan ears right. The candy they produce this time of year looks like bunny ears rather than Vulcan ears. It is a disgrace. I mean we know popular culture within this nation is under the Borg control, but come on people.

It is a wonder and a delight to celebrate this momentous occasion every spring; woe to those who ignore His bliss.

Let us bow our heads.

Dear Mr. Spock,

We thank you for this day and the courage you have shown throughout your career. We ask that you be with us and that you protect us from our imminent warp core breaches the way you protected the Enterprise.

Spock, we hail you and ask you to fill our lives with logic so that we may live long and prosper.

In the name of Intergalactic Peace we pray to you,


Remember, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one. Every classroom in America should have this placed above their chalkboards. And anyone who questions this wisdom should be tried for heresy and punished accordingly. The Almighty Starfleet and the righteous leaders of this church wouldn't have it any other way.


Friday, March 21, 2008

The Resurrection

Yes, friends the season is upon us. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, the trees are coming back to life, and Terrans everywhere will be celebrating the resurrection of Mr. Spock.

Just don't expect to get the day off on the day off for this sacred holiday or see any murals on public property celebrating this wondrous event where Spock returned from the grave on the Genesis planet. Our government is mostly run by shape-shifters and Legion of Doom worshipers who communicate regularly with the Borg queen.

Now, other religions are going to try to claim this holiday for one of their heroes. And we say fine. Just as soon as Jesus Christ joins Starfleet, learns how to command a Constitution-class starship, and makes his way up to first officer under James T. Kirk, we'll celebrate his coming back from the grave too.

An extra special thanks to Chris James from A Sour Apple Tree for reminding everyone to celebrate this glorious holiday back in December when we were all drinking eggnog next to our Robinmas Trees.


Thursday, March 20, 2008

Why Our Faith is Better Than Yours Pt. 5

This week we're going to teach you about a comic book hero named David.

But before we start we would like to note that of all the characters in the pictureless graphic novel called the Old Testament, King David is our favorite. Here's a man of peace who was willing and able to kick someone's ass clear off the map and then write a few poems about it. Out of all the Bible's superheroes, we're convinced that only David could take command of a galaxy-class starship a lead it into battle with the Dominion or the Borg and beat their asses straight back to quadrants where they belong.

That being said, David's biggest claim to fame was taking down some giant Philistine prick with nothing more than a slingshot. His relatively small size made this seem impossible to his fellows within the Kingdom of Israel. He was just a boy, but nevertheless, he took down this towering figure called Goliath with one single shot.

We commend him for actions. We only wish we knew whether he was wearing a mask or a cape or if he later carried a utility belt to fight off other such monsters. But since the authors of the Bible weren't considerate enough to draw us any pictures, we'll never know.

Now, let us imagine for a minute that Ray Palmer, aka the Atom, had been there to fight off the Philistines instead of David.

While we do admire David's fighting skills, the whole fight seems to have happened far to fast. When you're taking down your enemies, you really ought to subject them to a few rounds of humiliation before you start spanking them. It's only right.

That's where the Atom comes in. First off, the DC scriptures tell us that Ray Palmer was a brilliant scientist so you know he would have been planning this take down for months. Instead of waiting until the last minute, the Atom would have been ready for serious one man battle against the oncoming army.

Once the enemies began massing, the Atom would have pushed the button on his belt and shrank to a size where hardly no one could see him. He wouldn't have needed even a slingshot. He could have hopped around on the Philistines' shoulders pulling on their ears and their hair. The spectacle of watching these giants hop around crushing the sides of their own heads would have brought some serious laughter to the people of Israel. They could have brought fold-out lawn chairs and bags of popcorn and just watched as the Philistine solders began to drop like flies.

For a grand finale, the Atom would have entered Goliath's skull through his earlobe and began ripping out the cords, arteries, and veins that made the giant tick. The whole battle would have been over without anyone really knowing what the hell happened. For that matter the Atom, being the genius that he was, could have rewired Goliath's brain and caused his whole head to explode. That would have been certain to draw a standing ovation from the crowd.

So you see. King David might have been cool, but the Atom is cooler. I don't think the choice on which comic book you really should be following could be any plainer.


Monday, March 17, 2008

Lost Sheep and Inner Discovery Pt. 2

Millions of people and other aliens from around the quadrant have been just dying to find out how we discovered the Truth and the path that leads to eternal bliss and divine righteousness.

I told you all about how I discovered life's meaning within DC Comics, now I'll explain how the Truth found in the Holy Episodes of Star Trek came to be a part of the Great Religion.

As I said before, at age 11, I became the youngest High Priest in modern times. After I discovered that DC Comics were stories meant to be taken literally, I learned about a story that they hide from us in our Heroless, nihilistic public schools. There was a point in time when the Marvelites took over Gotham City which sparked an outcry amongst the DC faithful. They were taking down pictures of Batman and replacing them with pictures of Spiderman. The DC Comicticians of that day wouldn't stand for such blasphemy so they formed an army and led a crusade against the Incredible Hulk's infidels and recaptured the city, ridding it of the filth and cleaning out all that retched human riff-raff. Then they rebuilt it in the name of Superman and everything that is Holy.

Borrowing from their technique, I led my own crusades along with twelve long-haired, bearded hippies who vowed to follow the one true path of inner salvation. We gathered crowds together where we burned Marvel comic books and any album that we deemed to be inspired by the Legion of Doom.

At age 13, I was put away in a boy's mental institution not just because I took my classmates on top of the school so they could learn how to fly from buildings or because I insisted we start class everyday with a prayer to the Martian Manhunter, but also because I had to beat the shit out of this one kid because he refused to believe that we were committed to peace and non-violence.

It was in that institution, that I really began meditating on the things that Batgirl has tried to teach us. I would fast and stay up all hours of the night studying the Flash's wisdom. The doctors there would criticize and insult me, but it didn't matter. I told them this place was nothing compared to the asylum they were going to end up in. People who believe in the DC Truth have always been subject to persecution. This was no different.

I managed to convert three of these doctors and the director, so they let me out before my eighteenth birthday. After rigorous years of study and devotion, I realized that while DC Comics gives us strict guidelines on how we should live and govern the populace, they failed to address how life began. Other comic books like the Holy Bible and the Koran had their theories and we were left with none and I just couldn't buy into the whole Adam and Eve story. It's great at explaining how humans came to be, but it fails to address how the Guardians of Oa or the Thanagarians came into existence. And what about Bizzaro World? Was there an Adam and Eve over there trying to follow the orders of a snake only to be fooled into eating an apple by some invisible, wicked sky entity?

One night at age 19, I went to bed and was awoken by a bright light. The bright light was me dematerializing. I rematerialized aboard what appeared to be a starship. It was there that I first saw Captain Jean Luc Picard and He said unto me, "Ah, yes, Mr. Drinkmo. Welcome aboard the Enterprise".

Now, I had heard about Star Trek and the USS Enterprise, but I had no idea about the wonders it represented.

It was there that I learned about how the Preservers spread their DNA across the galaxy set to evolve in their image.

It was there that I learned of Romulan treachery.

It was there that I learned about the evil Borg Collective.

It was there where was told about future prophets like Captain Benjamin Sisko and Captain Kathryn Janeway.

It was there that I learned about the glory that is Starfleet Command.

And it was there that I was told about the Intergalactic Board of Elders. Three of them were coming to meet with me and I was told that I would know them because they would be bringing presents of DVDs, phaser rifles, and incense.

And so it came to pass, the Elders took over the church and gave me a new title: The Reverend. They then created what we now know as the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets and instructed me to deliver the message. They told me to warn people about the Borg and the Dominion and about what would be their fate if they decided not to take every word from every Star Trek episode as the literal Truth- which cannot be questioned. They ordered me to tell people about the glorious day when the Vulcans will land in Montana. They told me to carry on with my crusade and make sure that Captain James T. Kirk would be honored every morning in the classroom with a prayer.

That is our story. And if you haven't converted to the only faith that is True, then you had better start learning to speak Borg.


Thursday, March 13, 2008

You Should Fear.....

Some leaders use threats to win adherents. They invoke death to force good behavior and to herd people toward paradise.

Others woo with grand promises. If you have no satisfaction, they offer bliss. If you feel inadequate, they offer success. If you are lonely, they offer acceptance.

But if we do not fear death and are happy what will such leaders have to offer?

-Deng Ming-Dao, 365 Tao Daily Meditations

Damn straight. Fear is a commodity in America that is almost as precious and valuable as a barrel of crude oil. And we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets have four whole quadrants and a multitude of different dimensions full of things you had better well be afraid of.

We have the Borg who will tear off your arms and rip out your eyeballs and replace them with technology. We have shape-shifters from the Gamma Quadrant who could very well be tucking you in tonight. We got Romulans and Ferangi, the Breen and Tholians.

We have the Riddler who will place puzzles into your mind so deep that you will go insane. We have the Joker, Black Manta, Star Sapphire, Gorilla Grodd, Poison Ivy and the Mirror Master. We even have the Scarecrow who will spray shit directly into your face and make you so afraid that your very bones will start shaking:

Fear. It is the greatest tool we have in this business.


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Views on the Afterlife

The Elders were recently contacted by some aliens who represent all four quadrants of our galaxy about a documentary on the Terran view of the afterlife. The program is supposed to go out an Intergalactic Public Broadcasting network and I joined a couple of the other religious leaders from sector 001 in explaining our beliefs.

Of course, only one of the opinions explained here is True and if you don't know which one it is, say "Hi" to Poison Ivy for me when you get to Arkham.

Dr. Pat Robertson:

"Jesus gave a parable, very clear, about a rich man who dined sumptuously. He wore beautiful clothes. There was a beggar named Lazarus who was content to eat the scraps off the rich man’s table. The Bible says they both died. He says the beggar was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man wound up in hell. He saw Lazarus in Abraham’s bosom, and he says, 'Please, send Lazarus over to me and just dip his finger in some water, because I am 'tormented by this flame.'' Abraham said, 'I’m sorry, old buddy, but there is a great gulf between us. He can’t go from where he is to you, and you can’t come over to us. You are set there forever.' Jesus Himself talked about outer darkness. He talked about a lake that burns with fire. He talked about eternal separation from God. Hell is real. Whether it’s the torment of the flames of remorse, it’s what you could have had. The Bible talks the lake of fire reserved for the devil and his angels. There is no doubt that it’s real."

Pastor John Hagee:

"In the first moment after your last breath, angels will escort you to Heaven, into the presence of God. Jesus implied as much when telling the story of the rich man and Lazarus, the poor beggar. Jesus said, ' So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by angels to Abraham's bosom'(Luke 16:22).

"God Himself will meet you at the gates of heaven and wipe any tears from your eyes. Scripture says, '… for the lamb who is in the midst of the throne will Shepard them and led them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away ever tear from there eyes' (revalation7:17). You'll never have reason to weep again. You'll never have to say good-bye again. You'll never fell physical or emotional pain again; You'll never experience another moment of regret, remorse, or rejection.

"You will receive a dazzling white robe of righteousness, without spot or wrinkle. Ephesians 5:27 states, '… that He might present her [the bride of Christ] to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.' The church is the bride of Christ, and God is preparing us to step into eternity with Him at any moment!

"Are you prepared for your 'promotion'? Now is the time to do what God has called you to do. Today is your opportunity to tell someone else about Jesus, to you neighbor, and to do good in Jesus' name. Remember, the clock is ticking… time is almost up.

"The best is yet to come! You need not fear leaving your comfort zone. Men and women cannot discover new oceans unless they have the courage to lose sight of the shore. Now is the time to get ready! Heaven is only a breath away!"

The Reverend Elvis Drinkmo:

"Ever since the Preservers scattered our DNA across the four corners of the galaxy to evolve in their image, we have had a choice; a choice between embracing the founding principles of the Justice League and the United Federation of Planets and following the path of the Borg Collective and the Legion of Doom.

"But unlike those comic books that don't have any pictures in them, we offer you two opportunities for bliss. If you welcome Batgirl and Captain James T. Kirk into your heart and submit to Their divinity, you can either join the Justice League in the Hall of Justice or join Starfleet Academy so that you may one day sit at Captain Jean Luc Picard's side. If you die a glorious death in battle, you will then proceed to the Hall of Justice. There, you will join your loved ones, unless they spent their lives along side the majority of humanity- kneeling down at the Legion of Doom's alter.

"The alternative to accepting Batman as Gotham's True Savior and welcoming Him into your life is either being dragged by the hair to Arkham Asylum for all eternity or to be sent in an unarmed shuttle craft directly into Borg space where you will be assimilated and tortured for the rest of your existence- after which you will be sent to Arkham. There, you will be forever separated from the wisdom of Superman and Starfleet Command.

"For the Batman Chronicles tell us, 'the mighty Batman is upon the surprised Joker before he can use his venom gun.' and He saith unto the Joker, 'Why don't you laugh now, Mr. Joker?'

"You see, the Joker is real. Batman is real. Arkham is real. Your soul is real and all criminals are weak and cowardly. The Day of the Legion is upon us and the Borg are going to invade any minute.

"Tell all your friends, the Hall of Justice awaits them. Embrace the teachings of the Justice League of America and get your promotion to First Officer aboard the Enterprise E. Eternity awaits your decision, so choose wisely."


A New Caste System

The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation Planets believes that we need a little more order in our society. Without order there can be be no justice, without justice there can be no Justice League and without the Justice League, there can be no peace.

Now, the one thing we can all agree upon is that the Elders and the High Priest of this church are closer to the Justice League and Justice Society than you. We speak to Aquaman and Zatanna everyday. We're going to the Hall of Justice when we die; it's the rest of you who need to be concerned. If we designate a place for you in society, it will make it easier for you to follow the path laid out by our Heroes in the Watchtower.

Since the Elders and the High Priest are holy and our morals are beyond reproach, we have decided to create a caste system based on who is important and who isn't. Even though, the Justice League loves everyone equally, we feel we need to separate those who should actually be walking with Batman from those who should be waxing the Batmobile. If you fulfill your roles in this life based upon you place in this religious caste, you can get off the Joker's spinning wheel of horror and join the the JLA in the Hall of Justice.

The highest class will be those who preach the word of Batgirl and the Flash. It will consist of leaders, politicians, scholars, and CEOs. These people are the ones whose hearts are filled with the Elongated Man and wallets are filled with hundred dollar bills. These are the people that don't need to do any real work and can therefore devote their time and energy to studying the DC scriptures and interpreting the Truth that Superman has tried to teach us. They will hereby be known as The Martian Manhunter's Bramans or MM&B's.

The next class on the ladder will be those who fight to keep the word of Plastic Man holy. These are the people who battle the Legion of Doom daily with superior fighting skills. The would fight along side Commissioner Gordon if they could and they deserve to someday wield green power rings. This warrior class of citizens will be known as the Green Lantern Corps' Second Infantry.

Next, are the people who are condemned to manual labor. They will accept their place in doing the jobs that the first two classes of people don't feel like doing for little pay and eternal gratitude. This worker class will be known as Alfred's Secondaries.

Last is the group of people who must plead, beg, and live in the streets to survive. They should be avoided at all costs and thrown crumbs when deemed necessary. These will be called the Unleagueable.

We're trying to figure out a way for people to move from class to class. Since we know reincarnation is heresy more suited to the godless heathens who watch Anime than to the serious DC Comictician, any transition will have to take place in this lifetime. Perhaps we can offer comfort to the Unleagueable by noting that their counterparts in Bizzaro World are most likely MM&Bs.

It hath been commanded. Accept these roles we've so graciously assigned to you and don't question our wisdom; lest we come up with a new caste system for you based upon the nine floors of torment within the walls of Arkham Asylum.


Saturday, March 8, 2008

Lost Sheep and Inner Discovery

People flocking the doors of this church are often spellbound by the magnificent teachings of the Justice League of America. Often times they feel it is because of my powerful sermons and my inner light that shines like Green Lantern's power ring.

Friends, it's important to remember that I do not bring the joy that comes with discovering the Truth. I am merely the messenger who bears witness to the glory that is the Hall of Justice.

Few people know it, but I was once like you; unclean and unholy, living in the darkness. This is my story.

As a small child, I was lost. I was lost in sea full of fish swimming toward the Black Manta in search of answers. I was a sheep amongst wolves; another card in the Joker's deck. Before Kindergarten, I had masterminded the perfect diamond store heist and began thinking about another plan to steal precious museum artifacts. I couldn't help myself. Like everybody, I was born with the Original Sinister and these thoughts come natural to us all- ever since humans were kicked out of Gotham City, Metropolis, and Smallville.

Batman and Robin were reaching out to me through the Scooby Doo Show on Saturday mornings, but I couldn't hear Their wisdom. The Superfriends tried to steer me toward the light, but my steering column was broken. Batgirl drove Her motorcycle across the television screen for me everyday at 4:00 PM, but I couldn't see Her Divinity. Captain Marvel and Isis were trying to show me The Way, but I was too busy plotting out the next perfect crime to pay attention to what They we're saying. I was blinded by evil, the Riddler's puzzles, Poison Ivy's potions, and Lex Luthor's mind controlling devices. Yes, friends, at age 5, I was following the path that leads to Arkham Asylum. I was more lowly than the lowliest of low beasts.

By the age of 10, my life was filled with depravity. The 70's were coming to close and the decade was filled with moral relativism, secular humanism, and multi-comic bookism in the classroom. "Anything goes" was mantra of those days and it gave the Joker an extra reason to smile. The nation was slowly beginning to turn its back on the morals taught to us through DC Comics. And there I was- carrying an Incredible Hulk lunch box to school everyday.

It was then that I realized there was a void in my life. I tried searching through my Fantastic Four comic books for answers, but I could find none. I watched Spiderman on PBS's show The Electric Company. I watched Space Giants on TBS. Neither show could rid me of my emptiness. You see, these were the days before the Legion of Doom had launched their full spectrum of television stations like MTV, VH1, the Weather Channel and CNN and we only had five to choose from. It was also before righteous stations like the WB, the CW, and Cartoon Network began trying to counter Gorilla Grodd's influence by telling people about the Truth.

1980 was an election year and a man named Jerry Falwell began trying to influence politics with some god who has no heat ray vision, cool cars, or even a utility belt. I tried looking into their comic books and since there were no pictures, I immediately realized that there were no answers here. Falwell's counterpart in Iran, the Ayatollah Khomeini, had just risen to power and yet another comic book was on display without any pictures or heroes with superpowers- prepared to challenge Darkseid and his minions from Apokolips. No answers here either.

Then one night, I had a dream. Jonn Jonzz, the Martian Manhunter, called out and said, "Awaken, Elvis".

My eyes opened and I could see Hawkgirl's wings opening before me. Superman came forward and gazed at me with Wonder Woman beside Him, the Green Lantern began charging up His ring, Powergirl's eyes began to glow, and the Black Canary let out a scream. Next thing I knew, a baterang had hit me upside the head, knocking me out cold. When opened my eyes again I was in the Batcave. It was there that I learned the Truth.

The JLA and the JSA began speaking to me in tongues. No mere mortal would have been able to understand them, but since I had been filled with light, I understood the words very clearly. Suddenly the lyrics to the Batman TV series from the 60's starting making sense.

They told me to give up the Marvel Comics and the heresy. I did.

They told me to confess and I did so.

I asked them to forgive me of my sinisters and forgiveness was granted.

They told me to surrender to their power and their wisdom and I fell to my knees.

They asked me to spread their Word across globe and warn people about the Legion of Doom and their false prophets and so the First Church of the DC Comictician was born. At the age of 11, I became the rigidly intolerant and annoyingly self-righteous High Priest for the Justice League and Justice Society of America and began my crusade against secular humanism, moral relativism, comic books without pictures and ass stomping superheroes, the Joker's minions in our public schools, Legion of Doom sympathizors, Anime, Marvel Comics, and everything else in this world that is unholy.

.........tune in next time for how the Truth laid out for us in the Five Holy Shows of Star Trek became a part of this great faith. Same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Mr. Freeze

For the past week it has been just downright f**cking cold. Snow blasts, icy roads. It has been a real mess.

If you turn on the Legion of Doom's Weather Channel, they'll tell you that this is all caused by weather fronts and and atmospheric conditions. These nihilists who have been paid off by the Joker to tell lies and push their scientific propaganda on the masses don't want you to know the Truth.

The Truth is that Mr. Freeze has recently busted out of Arkham and has been firing his ice gun down upon the Appalachian mountains and the northeast.

The reason for this is simple. This nation has turned its back on the Justice League of America and the morals they've tried to teach us, giving supervillains everywhere a renewed sense of confidence. They will continue to plague us with natural disasters so long as we continue keeping Superman out of the classroom and Batgirl's wise guidance out of our courthouses. JLA morality has become a thing of the past and now were paying the price for our insolence.

So enjoy these blasts of freezing wind gusts and ice storms being fired down upon you by Mr. Freeze, himself. You've earned it America.

Hat Tip to Ananke from Confused and Amused for inspiring this church to inform you all about what is really going on.


Friday, March 7, 2008

A Prayer for Humility: Hawkgirl

Let us bow our heads.

Dear Hawkgirl, who art from Thanagar, hallow be thy name.

We ask you to help us through our errors and mistakes that we make as we dwell in this sector. For we are only mortals beneath the glorious grace of the Justice League's watchful eye. Please guide us through these perilous times and help us to avoid the temptations laid out for us by the Legion of Doom and their deadly mind control beams.

We understand the trials and tribulations that you were forced to undergo when the Thanagarians invaded this planet. We understand how difficult the choice must have been having to choose between your people and your friends in the Justice League. We can only hope to have but a mere ounce of your courage and your strength as we struggle with problems that pale in comparison to your own.

Oh mighty Hawkgirl, we praise and honor you daily and ask that you continue to spread your wings over the quadrant. We ask that you continue to smash the bad guys, falling asteroids, and all those who would choose to oppose our beliefs with your powerful mace.

In the name of justice and all that is Holy we pray to you,



Thursday, March 6, 2008

Hymns for the DC Comictician and Star Trekiologist

The Elders have charged me with finding and/or creating hymns to celebrate our love for the Justice League of America; hymns to declare our obedience and search for knowledge through the only real Superheroes in this dimension and others.

Let us start by learning the words to this hymn so that we may offer praise to Batman, Robin, and Batgirl. It may take some time to remember the lyrics to this particular hymn, but as Hourman would undoubtedly remind us, we have the time.

Glory be.

Let us stand, join hands, and sing the following praise together!

Now we just need to find someone to play the organ.


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

A Prayer For Perseverance: Captain James T. Kirk

Let us pray.

Dear Captain Kirk,

Please be with us as we explore strange new worlds to seek out new life and new civilizations.

Help us to endure the hardships of this galaxy. Let us not stumble before the Dominion or the Borg. Give us the strength to command our lives the way you so aptly commanded the Starship Enterprise.

And please, Captain, grant us the ability to forgive our enemies; the way you chose to forgive the Klingons and usher in a new era of peace for the United Federation of Planets.

We ask that our public schools begin to acknowledge your wisdom and start teaching our children of your heroism and discoveries. We pray that you will guide our leaders and help them to know when to fire phasers on those who would choose not to believe in your authority and your grace.

Captain, we thank you for all you've done to defend our galaxy and preserve our way of life. In your shadow, we roam the Alpha Quadrant in the everlasting search for meaning and for Mr. Spock.

In the name of intergalactic peace and interstellar law we pray to you,



This and other wonderful and inspirational pictures of our Holy Starfleet Captain, James T. Kirk, can also be seen at Juanuhcis' Way

How to Battle Human Nature and the Original Sinister

The DC scriptures have so many things to teach us. Not only do our Heroes from the Justice League of America defend us against evil, they also instruct us on how to live our lives.

We were all born with the Original Sinister. It's unavoidable. We were kicked out of Metropolis and Gotham and ever since; each of us was born with the desire to don gaudy costumes and reek havoc upon the world. From the very first time we open our eyes, we are plotting to steal precious jewelry and museum artifacts.

The Legion of Doom knows this. They know we susceptible to temptation. They know that in our hearts we are arch-criminals. That is why Gorilla Grodd hits us with his mind beams causing us to do bad things and read Marvel Comics. That is why Lex Luthor spends millions of dollars creating an atmosphere of crime and evil in a world where people line up around the block to see blasphemous X-Men movies and watch false prophesies from The Fantastic Four, Rise of the Silver Surfer. The Legion loves blasphemy. They love crime. They love evil.

And so I say unto the Legion of Doom, Be Gone!

Be Gone, Riddler! Be Gone, Toyman! Be Gone, Killer Frost! Take thy evil from us and return to your swamp!

We shall not be tempted by your charm and your promise of world domination. We shall not waver. No! We shall not follow you down the path to Arkham Asylum. We shall defend ourselves with the Word.

For Superman saith unto the people, In the aftermath...I consider how closely we had veered toward utter disaster. (Trinity, Page 194-195: Frame 1)

And Wonder Woman tells us, I may never know who it was that came so close to destroying all that I hold dear. I am comforted to know that I now have comrades who would do anything to prevent that. (Trinity, Page 194-195: Frame 2)

Our Heroes truly love us. They hold us dear. They would sacrifice everything to save us from Darkseid, Bizzaro, Star Sapphire, and the most deadly enemy of all: ourselves.

The scriptures also tell us about the Batman.

He has no doubt that Ra's Al Ghul will someday surface to trouble him again. It has happened before. And so he continues the fight...for justice. (Trinity, Page 194-195: Frame 3)

Indeed Ra's Al Ghul will surface again for Ra's Al Ghul exists within all of us. Batman is a patient Hero, but he will not wait forever. Neither will Wonder Woman or Superman. We must resist the urge to become henchmen for the Joker and become Wonder Woman's comrades instead.

Superman tells us, "Part of me regrets the monster's pain. Even as the farm boy in me recongizes... a mad beast that must be put down." (Trinity, Page 190: Frame 1)

We must be ever so careful not become those mad beasts who would deny the power and love that is bestowed upon us by the JLA. Every time we peep into a Marvel comic book or turn on the television to watch Anime, we become like those mad beasts. This brings us one step closer to robbing that jewelry store that we've all been planning to knock over since we were cut from the umbilical cord.

The Truth is so simple and so plain. We must bring this nation back to the DC Comics values upon which it is founded. We must start placing our comic books back in the courthouses and force our public schools to pray everyday to the Justice League and put Superman's picture back on the walls. And we must do this before the real trinity: Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman decide we're all mad beasts and potential Ra's Al Ghuls and abandon us forever.


Tuesday, March 4, 2008

It's Rerun Season

Okay, friends, you may have noticed some old posts getting bumped up in the place of new ones.

We here at the First Church are extremely busy right now translating the original word of Batgirl and deciphering coded messages from Starfleet Command that they don't want intercepted by the Romulans.

But to ensure that we are still out there spreading Batman and Captain Kirk's love for humanity, we'll be reposting some of our more popular praises that have helped bring so many mere mortals over into the light- which can only come from Star Trek and DC Comics.

Be back soon to let you all know who's saved and who's going straight to Arkham.

What Does the Bible Really Teach Us?

Yesterday some Christians came to my house and gave me a new comic book called "What Does the Bible Really Teach?"

I flipped through it to see if there might be some cool pictures of battles between the Jesus superhero and that villain they call Satan. Just as I thought there were none. Which only confirms what I already believed- that Jesus has no real superpowers and Satan is about as threatening as a dandelion under the mowing deck of a tractor.

Seriously, when I open up a comic book I want to see something or someone evil getting their teeth knocked out. Is this getting to be too much to ask in this day and age? Apparently so.

I found this comic book to be extremely confusing. They talk about their major hero called God and then they switch to the name Jehovah. Now, I thought maybe the God hero may have been taken over by an evil parasite similar to Parallax, who has been known to steal the bodies of the Green Lanterns, but as it turns out Jehovah is this God superhero's real name. Why didn't they just say so in the first place?

Then I got about as far as page ten when I came across this:

"So God is never the source of the wickedness you see in the world around you. Granted, he does allow bad things to happen. But there is a big difference between allowing something to happen and causing it."

Oh, how convenient. This is like saying that Superman didn't create Brainiac; therefore he shouldn't bother trying to stop him from taking over our planet. What kind of superhero is that?

Page eleven:

"Well, the Bible teaches us that God is a "lover of justice". So he cares deeply about what is right and what is wrong. He hates all kinds of injustice."

And yet, he hasn't registered as a member of the Justice League or even applied to get into Starfleet Academy- I suppose if he allows the Borg to assimilate the entire human race he's not responsible because he didn't cause the Borg to come here from the Delta Quadrant. Color me skeptical.

It's a damn good thing that we have Supergirl, Black Canary, the Green Arrow, Mr. Spock, and Captain Kathryn Janeway to protect us against those who hate us because we elect our representatives and seek to destroy our way of life. Because from everything I can tell, these superheros called God and Jesus aren't going to do a damn thing when the Legion of Doom decides to wave their flag over top of the White House, except maybe hang their Ten Commandments somewhere near the flagpole.


Sunday, March 2, 2008

Those Who Haven't Heard of the JLA


We had a very special service the other day. People were alive with the Justice League. Songs of praise to the Flash filled the air. The Martian Manhunter's spirit was present. Everyone left with firm conviction and a renewed drive to stop the Legion of Doom at all costs.

This week, we tested our faith by passing deadly spiders around the room. Only five people died and those who were bitten and did survive didn't start shooting webs from their palms or show any sort of ability to climb walls, thus proving once again that Marvel teaches false doctrine.

But after we removed the bodies and began to clean the church up, some children whose hearts were filled with the Green Lantern's light asked me:

"Reverend High Priest, we know that everything you say is True and that the Elders' wisdom supersedes that of everyone but our Heroes themselves. We were wondering. If a child is raised on Marvel Comics and their parents never teach them about the DC Comics Truth, will they have to go to Arkham Asylum? Or will the Justice League have mercy and let them enter the Hall of Justice?"

So I answered,

"Children, first of all it isn't up to us to decide who goes to Arkham and who goes to the Hall of Justice. Krypto, the Superdog, will have a list at the Golden Gate. Those whose hearts are full with the wisdom of Superman and lips are filled with the good word of Batgirl, will be allowed to enter.

"Secondly, everyone will hear of Batman at some point in their lives. After they hear his almighty name, they will have a choice. They can follow the righteousness laid out for us by the only True Superheroes or they can continue to follow those who would call themselves the X-Men who really have no superpowers, but think they do because they took too much acid in the 60's. It is after that choice is made that the JLA begins keeping a log containing all their good deeds and all their sinisters.

"So if a child passes before she gets a chance to hear about the wondrous ways of the Elongated Man, chances are Krypto, the Superdog, will allow them to see the Hall of Justice. But if she has heard of Wonder Woman and ignores Her divinity in favor of the Iron Man, well, I'm afraid that Arkham may be the solution to the problem."

The children thanked me and ran home to prepare their daily prayers to the Watchtower, which won't be allowed in our hedonistic, secular humanist public schools thanks to all those liberal activist judges who refuse to allow Batman's teachings in the classroom.

It is not too late for anyone to step into the light, lest doctors wrap your soul in a straight jacket and haul you off in an ambulance to Arkham while you're kicking and screaming in vain.