Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Price Isn't Right

Our next Legion operative on file is comedian and game show host, Drew Carey.

Carey has taken over the Price is Right which automatically raises suspicion. Bob Barker has worked tirelessly throughout his career to keep Batman's foes from becoming contestants on the popular game show when they would regularly show up in the audience unannounced. Mr. Barker was committed to preventing his hour of television from being hijacked by evil villains like the Joker and the Penguin in order to advance their sinister motives by guessing the right prices on the very items they have been known to steal; thereby, rigging all those cars, blenders, and toasters with explosives and putting them back on the general market.

Carey, on the hand, has been seen around town dining with the Penguin, Catwoman, and Harvey "Two-Face" Dent. He's been on several secret dates with Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. His motives are suspect.

According to CNN:

"I didn't want to do TV in the first place," he said over lunch last week. "I'd be happy going to soccer games, traveling. I never have to work again. I can live off my interest. I don't even have to touch the principal."

So why is he planning to do TV? Possibly because it will give the Legion of Doom the connection they need to overtake the nation's most popular TV game show and use it to hypnotize viewers with jumbled, incorrect prices on bunk goods loaded with mind control devices to spread their evil across the nation.

So when you tune into the Price is Right, don't be too surprised when you hear the announcer cry out, "Mr. Freeze, come on down. You're the next contestant on The Price is Right". Then Carey will know what it really means to get a cold reception from a chilly audience.


Winning Against All Odds

The First Church of the DC Comictician would like to make a toast to Chris James, the Ax, and the Smasher for fighting off the Borg and Bizarro and making our quadrant a safer part of the galaxy to live in!

Click here for more details.

Monday, August 27, 2007

At the Highest Levels

This Legion of Doom sympathizer needs no introduction or explanation. The smirk on his face says everything.

In fact, of all Lex Luthor's undercover operatives, I believe this one is the only one jockeying to become an actual supervillian in his own right.


Basking in the Glow of Evil

Our next exposed Legion of Doom operative is none other than famed hotel heiress, Paris Hilton.

A few months ago we suggested that Ms. Hilton seek out the wisdom of Hawkgirl to cope with her incarceration in the L.A. County jail. Our sound advice was rejected and now we know the real reason; Hilton has been working to advance the sinister plans of evil supervillains for years now. At first, we thought she may have been in cahoots with Catwoman, but as it turns out her connections to the Legion of Doom run much deeper.

Not only has she been spotted partying to all hours of the night with the Cheetah, Toyman, Clayface, Poison Ivy, and the Joker; she has also been seen sunbathing- topless- on the beaches of Bizarro World with Star Sapphire.

And then there's this from CNN.com:

"A settlement in a $10 million defamation lawsuit was reached Wednesday between the hotel heiress-reality TV star and diamond heiress-actress Zeta Graff.

"The trial was set to start Monday.

"In the suit, Graff claimed that Hilton spread 'vicious lies' about her to the media in 2005.

"In the suit, Graff claimed that Hilton spread the lies about her to the New York Post.

"The paper reported that Graff -- who once dated Hilton's then-fiance, Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis -- went 'berserk' at a nightclub, tried to strangle Hilton and attempted to steal her diamond necklace.

"Graff denied the report and claimed that Hilton said, 'I'm going to destroy you' after trying to oust her from the club, according to the suit."

Why would Hilton be be going after a diamond heiress by trying to slander and destroy her? To somehow obtain the precious jewels for the likes of the Riddler so that he can keep paying off Pat Robertson's disinformation campaign on the Christian Broadcasting Network.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets believe that any story that contains the word "berserk" and relates to an attempted theft of diamond necklaces is a clear indication of Legion involvement which calls for a national tribunal and a complete list of names.

Since the plan backfired on Hilton, most likely with the help of either Ray Palmer or Zatanna, it seems likely that her connection to the Riddler has been severed and she is now working with other supervillains to commit another heinous crime against humanity. Our elders will keep us up to date with any new information that arises.

Paris Hilton- Legion of Doom operative and sympathizer. Keep an eye on her and watch for more hidden stories about diamond heists and other secret acts of deceit and treachery.


Saturday, August 25, 2007

Spreading the Legion of Doom's Word

A week ago, The First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets decided to open our files to the public and expose celebrities and politicians who are suspected of sympathizing with the Legion of Doom and/or working undercover for one of the evil supervillains that are the root cause of everything that goes wrong in this dimension and others. The elders and I decided after a praying to Jonn Jones, the Martian Manhunter, that we should cover each of these sinister operatives one by one as we did with Lindsay L.O.D. , better known as Lindsay L.O.H.A.N..

Today, we'll begin with Legion operative, Pat Robertson. As most of you know, Robertson reads and preaches from a comic book called the "Holy Bible". There are various supervillians and heroes in this book; none of which are very impressive. Most notably from this comic book is a hero called Jesus Christ. His special power is granting forgiveness. How he could use this weapon to defeat evil minions like the Mirror Master is anyone's guess. But we don't believe that bringing down Sam Scudder is part of the 700 Club's mission.

Robertson has been spotted several times meeting with the Mirror Master, a founding member of the Rouges Gallery, an organization dedicated to destroying the Flash. He has also had extensive contact with Giganta, Solomon Grundy, and the Riddler.

Consider this from the 700 Club's "Bring It On" (the very name alone has Lex Luthor's signature on it).

"Some years ago, my income was so low that I was living very close to the financial edge. Nevertheless, I believed..that I should give a significant amount to the Lord's work, so I did. Several weeks later as I was driving my car, God spoke to me, and said, 'ask Me for something.'

"I said, 'Lord, I think I have everything I need right now.' He said again, 'ask Me for something.'

"'Okay, Lord. Please provide me with one thousand dollars.' I wasn't sure why I mentioned that figure, but it popped into my mind, so I spoke it in my prayer.

"Within days, I had received an extra thousand dollars out of the blue."

Yeah, sure. Some God who can't even telepathically communicate with whales and dolphins or deflect bullets off his chest is just going to hand someone $1000 out of the blue? And why would any comic book worshipper even be asked by one of their heroes to ask for money in the first place?

It's more likely that the Riddler heisted a jewelry store and gave Robertson a thousand dollars to keep spreading disinformation on his Christian Broadcasting Network about some fake supervillain named the Anti-Christ while the Legion of Doom plots their final assault against humankind.

Keep your eye on this Pat Robertson fellow and don't be too surprised when special guests like Captain Boomerang, Brainiac, and the Toyman show up on the 700 Club talking about how they have reformed their evil ways.


Friday, August 24, 2007

Accepting the Heroes of Others

I was driving through a nearby city when I caught sight of a local comic store. I pulled into the parking lot and headed inside to pray with a fellow believer for Batman's guidance or perhaps join the celebration of Green Arrow and Black Canary's joining in holy matrimony.

When I got to the door, I was immediately greeted by the symbol of the Flash. I dropped to my knees in honor of the fallen Flash, Bart Allen, and called upon the prior Flash, Wally West, to smite thine enemies from the Rouges Gallery who were responsible for the demise of Allen.

Once I rose from my personal religious revival, I then saw something that didn't set well at all- a neon light with the word "Marvel" on it. Things got worse from there.

I went to the shelves to find some oracles of Truth and the eternal sources of knowledge from DC comics were mixed right in with Marvel's false prophecies. Everything was in alphabetical order so the Hulk was right next to Hawkman. Superman and Spiderman shared a section. Truth mixed in with lies; it can't get anymore offensive than this.

As all this Legion of Doom inspired secular humanism sinks deeper into society, we are being forced in our schools and public institutions to accept this multi-comicbookism where all ideas and superheros are supposed to be treated with equality, understanding, and acceptance.

The Justice League and the Justice Society are the only true superheros. The Marvelites, who believe that Batman was just another citizen of Gotham City, are trying to force feed our children with the notion that Iron Man or Daredevil can save this world and others from the threats we face from evil supervillains everyday. They are using the guise of multi-comicbookism to advance their Marvel-based agenda.

We've got to get back to the basics. If children are taught to think about the way other heroes act and believe without acknowledging infinite greatness of Plastic Man and the Green Lantern, they are going to become confused. They will be led to think Dr. Doom is something other than some weird scientist in a creepy mask, who'd piss his pants at the first sign of Aquaman or the Huntress. They won't know whether to call on Batgirl or Electra when the signs of Poison Ivy start becoming evident. This is clearly an unacceptable breach of common sense.

The end result is that we will be doomed to failure. Teaching kids about the Marvelite world and why some people choose to follow false heroes is alright just so long as it is followed by a reaffirmation that entities with anger management problems like the Hulk are incapable of thwarting the Joker or solving one of the Riddler's riddles.

Make no mistake, this liberal multi-comicbookism that's creeping up everywhere is nothing more than a ploy to undermine the safety of this nation, the very fabric of our society and its traditional commitment to accept the Justice League as the only true saviors of this dimension and others.



Thursday, August 23, 2007

It's Okay to Be Small, Just Look at the Atom

The Atom shows us how being small is perfectly acceptable even if it means shrinking to less than a millimeter where you can only be seen with a microscope. On numerous occasions, the Atom has played an extensive roll in thwarting the evil plans of other alien races and Justice League arch-enemies.

Wikipedia briefly summarizes the story from one of the Atom's better known alter-egos, Ray Palmer (originally from the Silver Age):

"Using a mass of white dwarf star matter, he fashioned a lens which allowed him to shrink down to subatomic size. Originally, his size and molecular density abilities derived from mechanisms in his belt with a back up device in his gloves. Much later, he gained the innate equivalent powers within his own body."

So you see, if you're a small person physically or we're never any good at sports because of your physique, it's perfectly okay. Perhaps you feel small because no one seems to listen to you and it seems sometimes you aren't important. Just remember Ray Palmer, the Atom, a man whom actually found a way to harness the some sort of goddamn energy from a white dwarf star to make himself shrink to a microscopic size; using this very smallness to save this world and others time and time again.

Just as the Atom is essential to the survival of the JLA, you as an individual are an intricate part this world as a whole; no matter what your size. Never let a small body or the feelings of smallness stand in your way.


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

What Are the Children Learning?

Kids aren't learning the things they should in our public schools. All this useless reading, math, history, and science with absolutely no mention of the words Starfleet or Gamma Quadrant.

So my next suggestion for cleaning up America's schools is to prepare some questions for our local school boards. Here are some examples of things that need to be addressed.

- Why don't star charts include the planets Andor, Vulcan, Tellar, and Bajor?

- Are our children supposed to go through life not knowing that there are four quadrants to the galaxy? The one with Earth, the one with the Romulans, the one with the Dominion, and the one with the Borg.

- Why are we not teaching children the philosophies of Surak and Kayless along with those of Plato and Aristotle?

- Why aren't the Ferengi's 285 Rules of Acquisition taught in General Business classes?

- In biology class, why aren't our children learning about how Captain Picard was taken back to the beginning of life on Earth by Q and shown the first two amoebas joining? (This also needs to be taught in World History.)

- Lastly, why isn't Mr. Scott's Guide to the Enterprise being offered as a textbook in Physics class?

This is just another hint on some other ways in which we can turn this country around. We can't expect Starfleet to save us from the Borg, if we continue to turn our backs on them and deny the Truth to our children.



One of our faithful, JDB, has made the following suggestion: put the bat'leth back in gym class. That is an excellent idea since kids are graduating every year without the skills and knowledge needed to fight the Klingons in hand-to-hand combat.

Blessed be our Holy Starfleet Captains.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Not Asking the Right Questions

Apparently, Christine Amanpour is going to do a show about world religions and the impact they have on the world.

"'At the very violent extreme – global security is at stake. In the United States, understanding the impact of religion upon electoral politics is very timely. The political parties and presidential candidates are actively courting faith leaders and their constituencies for their votes,' explained Amanpour."

Of course, none of these politicians have come to the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets for spiritual guidance. But we all know why that is; they're on Lex Luthor's payroll. It's hard to stop the Legion of Doom when you're one of their agents.

"Amanpour concludes by drawing commonality between Christian, Jewish, and Muslim fundamentalists:

"'The ‘warrior’ within each religion view modern society as too permissive, oversexualized and corrupt. Their solution is to restore morality and values to our culture by returning religion to the center of public life,' she said, according to U.S News & World Report. 'While there is no equivalence being drawn between them, they do have in common the determined belief that only they have a direct line to God and the unique ability to interpret His truth.'"

There they go again, talking about that God who doesn't even own his own Batplane and has a son who can't walk tightropes or run faster than the speed of light. But I do agree with these fundamentalists' solution: "restore morality and values to our culture". Indeed. That would be a good start.

We need to get back to morals laid out for us in the Federation charter. We need to embrace the values that the Justice League fight to preserve everyday. If we don't, The Legion of Doom will most certainly bring about destruction and chaos and pave the way for the Borg who are on their way from the Delta Quadrant as we speak. They hate us because we elect our representatives and they won't stop until they have destroyed our way of life.

Only Superman can save us from Solomon Grundy. There are no other answers. The sooner our knee-jerk, Marvel media understands that, the better off we'll all be.


The Field of Knowledge

DC Comictician thought of the week:

Can the Justice League see everything that goes on this world? Can they be everywhere at the same time?

The answer is yes. The JLA knows what you're doing and when you're doing it all the time. And if they don't have it covered than the Justice Society does.

There are plenty of superheros to cover all of life's problems. Batman, for example, works with Robin, Batgirl, and Nightwing. They may be separate entities, but they are of one mind when it comes to fighting crime. So if Batman isn't watching you, there's a good chance that Batgirl is. And that's just one hero, there's also the Green Arrow, Black Canary, the Flash, and Elongated Man. Not to mention Jonn Jones, the Martian Manhunter.

Keep that in mind next time you think about robbing a jewelry store or giving in to the evil ways of the Legion of Doom.


Friday, August 17, 2007

About War and Human Nature

Your Star Trekiology verse of the week.

Verily, Captain Kirk tells us:

"But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with blood of a million savage years on our hands. But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers. But we're not going to kill, to-day. That's all it takes. That we're not going to kill, to-day."

-Star Trek TOS
Season One
Chapter 23
Star Date: 3192.1


Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Kids Can't Even Worship Batman Safely These Days

(Click on the picture to your left for a full screen presentation- if you dare.)

CNN reports that a bunch of children's toys made by Mattel contain toxic chemicals:

"Facing its second toy recall in two weeks, the CEO of Mattel Inc. insisted Tuesday that his company has 'rigorous standards' and apologized for the global pullback of millions of toys.

"The toys were manufactured in China.

"The recall, which was announced by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, affects about 9.5 million toys in the United States, and 11 million in foreign countries.

"It is the largest in recent months involving Chinese products, which have come under scrutiny worldwide for containing potentially dangerous high levels of chemicals and toxins."

If the media wasn't so busy with all this freakin' science that comes from the Legion of Doom's brand of secular humanism, they'd realize that it isn't just the total lack of safety standards that come from slave-world styled products made by children- age ten- for about a $1.25 a day. No! The Joker surely has his hand in this. This is pure logic, folks.

People need to realize; very little that happens on this planet is the fault of mere mortals. There are arch-criminals everywhere who tempt us with wrong-doing and negligence. They lurk under every bed and in every closet. Some of them tease us with riddles, some carry lethal umbrellas, and others wear gag flowers on their lapel which are loaded with poisonous gases. And since we are all born with the Original Sinister, we fall prey to these cowardly, evil minions of the darkness.

The media needs to stop focusing solely on the chemicals which are loaded into these toys and start focusing on the diabolical mind behind this act of injustice. Then maybe our kids can safely go back to worshiping the Bat the way they should.

Hat tip to the faithful Chris James for alerting the First Church of the DC Comictician and the Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets to this unholy outrage.

Monday, August 13, 2007

There's No American Politics Without Religion

An Australian newspaper called The Fairfax Digital writes about how important religious beliefs are to American voters:

"Being an atheist is the biggest handicap a person could have to being elected as president in America — worse than being gay or a woman.

"Over 53 per cent of people surveyed by Gallup in February said they would not vote for an atheist. They would prefer a homosexual president (43 per cent said they would not vote for a homosexual) or a woman president (11 per cent would not vote for a woman). And it seems that these days being black or Catholic or Jewish is hardly a barrier at all, with each of these factors being named as a barrier by less than 7 per cent of voters."

Of course, it would be too much to ask for a nation with a separation of church and state clause in its constitution to consider religion a private matter.

Then there's Pete Stark:

"Congressman Stark had responded to a survey from the Secular Coalition for America that offered a $US1000 prize to the person who could identify the 'highest level atheist, agnostic, humanist or any other kind of non-theist currently holding elected public office in the United States'.

"To his surprise, that was him. Stark was the only one of 535 federal politicians prepared to admit he had no religion. For a few brief weeks he was the poster-boy for the humanists in a nation where, according to Pew Foundation research, eight out of 10 people say they have 'no doubt God exists" and that 'prayer is an important part of their daily lives'."

What the Pew Foundation neglects to ask is just how many people are aware that the Legion of Doom is preparing for its final assault on humanity, that the Sinestro Corps is striking devastating blows to the Green Lantern Corps as I write, and that the Borg are on their way from the Delta Quadrant to turn the entire planet into cybernetic automatons for a collective that would make V.I. Lenin and the CPUSA blush.

Perhaps this is where Congressman Stark could make an impact. He could be the first U.S. politician in American history to launch investigations into just how many of our leaders are on the Joker's payroll. He could demand the U.S. lead the way in building and maintaining a shield around Sector 001 so that we can offer the Borg a real surprise upon their arrival.

If the Justice League and the Holy Starfleet Captains have taught us anything, it's that faith and mere prayer alone aren't going to be enough to defend us against hostile aliens and the mind beams of Gorilla Grodd.

We here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets invite Pete Stark and all members of congress to join us in standing for justice and embracing the values of the Federation.

Because without Batgirl and Jean Luc Picard, there can be no peace.


Legion of Doom Sympathizers Exposed

We recently uncovered Lindsay L.O.H.A.N.'s sinister connection to evil and crime. As a result, letters have been pouring into our office with reports to our undercover agents from people who have spotted other celebrities and politicians cavorting with supervillians and the Legion of Doom. Those named are no doubt working for Lex Luthor and Gorilla Grodd in some way.

I am posting their pictures here so that everyone can see just how entrenched these dastardly arch-criminals are in our society. Congress needs to launch a national investigation with open hearings immediately.


These are pictures of known Legion of Doom operatives and/or sympathizers. We cannot guarantee that they haven't figured out a way to send hypnotizing mind beams through digital photographs.

Please avoid prolonged eye contact with these photos and keep your children a
way from the computer while viewing.


Friday, August 10, 2007

Something So Poorly Designed

Your Star Trekiology verse of the week:

After Captain Jean Luc Picard has a serious accident which causes his artificial heart to quit working, he goes to a world of all white where a mischievous, but powerful entity known as Q tells him that he is God.

Captain Picard laughs and says,

"You are not God."

To which Q replies:

"Blasphemy! You're lucky I don't cast you out or smite you or something. The bottom line is your life ended about five minutes ago under the inept ministrations of Dr. Beverly Crusher."

To which Captain Picard answers:

"No. I am not dead because I refuse to believe that the afterlife is run by you. I refuse to believe the universe is that poorly designed!"

Star Trek Next Generation
Season 6: Chapter 15


Monday, August 6, 2007

Hidden Messages

I've been trying for weeks to figure out why people are so obsessed with this actor named Lindsay Lohan.

So she got caught with some blow. I mean isn't a celebrity getting caught with cocaine like Santa Claus getting caught with a red bag full of presents?

But the Martian Manhunter visited me in a dream last night and he told me the real story. "LOHAN" actually stands for Legion Of Hatred And Negativity. That's right; she's an agent of Gorilla Grodd.

According to Jonn, her original name was Lindsay Lod. (Legion Of Doom). But Lex Luthor and the Cheetah conspired together and changed it to Lohan because the LOD acronym would be too obvious even for our asleep-at-the-wheel, knee-jerk, Marvel-biased media.

This is the biggest discovery since the Christians outed the rock band Kiss as Knights In Satan's Service and the time I played Digital Underground's "Humpty Dance" song backwards- only to discover that it contained some hidden plans of the Riddler to rob the World Bank.

I hope everyone's paying attention. Make no mistake, this L.O.H.A.N. character has more up her sleeve than just a few bags of coke.


How Fast Can the Flash Go?

DC Comictician thought of the week. Answered above.

Friday, August 3, 2007

More Trouble Than They're Worth

Your Star Trekiology verse of the week:

Lieutenant Commander Worf explains to Major Kira just exactly what happened to the Klingon Gods:

"Our Gods are dead. Ancient Klingon warriors slew them a millennia ago.

"They were more trouble than they were worth."

Star Trek DS-9
Season 4: Chapter 11


Wednesday, August 1, 2007

School Dress Codes

My second suggestion for cleaning up our schools and turning our country around is the implementation of a school dress code.

Some people think the solution to improving our schools is to put more money into them and train people to be better educators, but the real problem lies with the fact that kids today can wear just about anything to class. It's no wonder a child can't learn when they've got kids all around them wearing tee-shirts and blue jeans and you name it.

So I recommend that all public schools begin enforcing a new dress code where all students must wear a Starfleet uniform as well as conform to all Starfleet regulations pertaining to hair length and grooming. If the children feel confined by these strict rules, we can make it more enjoyable by allowing them to wear the color of the field they're most interested in pursuing: blue for science and mathematics, red for command and leadership, gold for engineering and security.

Let's face it. Kids these days have very little respect for Captain Jean Luc Picard. What a better way to turn this quadrant around than to make them wear the uniforms we so proudly salute when we think of the upcoming Borg invasion. I mean it's no wonder our children cannot connect with Federation values when we allow them to cultivate this "anything goes" attitude. And with everyone dressing in Starfleet attire, the children won't have to be bothered with all those messy differences that often come with allowing them to express so much individuality.

No more tennis shoes, dirty blue jeans or black and white tee-shirts with offensive (or not offensive) slogans- just a com badge, some boots, and the red, blue, and gold. Put this small initiative into place and watch the test scores and grades soar to new limits.