Thursday, February 26, 2009

We Have the Answers Part 4: Why Illegal Aliens Are So Dangerous

I'm going to say this because somebody has to. I'm scared for our future. I'm scared at the prospect of illegal aliens crossing the borders which separate the Alpha Quadrant from the Beta, Gamma, and Delta Quadrants. If this is allowed to continue, none of us will have jobs and Terrans everywhere will be forced to learn Klingon, Borg, Romulan, and Dominionese.

So who are these aliens that are migrating to the Quadrant of the Free everyday looking for handouts and seeking to destroy our very way of life? Well, let's cover a few of the more dangerous ones.

The Klingons- Sure, they will become Federation allies in the 24th century, but don't let that fool you- we can be their friends so long as they stay within the Qo'nos sphere of influence; meaning the Beta Quadrant. These aliens put a lot of stock in pride and honor. So when they come to this land in search of those dream jobs that everyone wants (like working on a farm for less than a dollar fifty an hour for twelve hours a day in the burning hot sun) they will require no paychecks at all. Klingon warriors need only be convinced that rapid production for nothing is a matter of honor and their pay will be satisfied.

The Founders (aka Shape Shifters, aka Changlings)- the rulers of the Dominion. These beings from the Gamma Quadrant can assume any shape or form they so desire. They can become you and go to work for you- which wouldn't be all bad except that they can also cash your paycheck on Friday. Put ten shape-shifters on a work site and that's ten of us who are out of a job. They can also change form again and go down to the local welfare office where they can receive food stamps and medicaid. If we allow these aliens to integrate into our society, we'll be singing the Star-Spangled Banner in Dominionese while the Alpha Quadrant goes broke. Clearly, this is a threat at the highest levels.

The Borg Collective- these drones from the Delta Quadrant will do your job five times faster than you will. They don't complain and they follow orders without question. Plus, they don't require food which means that they won't even ask for lunch breaks. All employers will have to do to keep these aliens productive is set up a few alcoves in which they can regenerate. That will ultimately be much cheaper for potential employers than having to cough up a whole $6.55 an hour.

The Viidians- also from the Delta Quadrant. These aliens will not only steal our jobs, they will also steal our body organs because their entire race is plagued with some infectious disease that makes leprosy look like a sunny day at the park. They need fresh body parts to survive and to get back those fashion model faces. If this ain't a threat to national security, I honestly don't know what the fuck is. No more Viidians should be allowed to cross the border of the Delta Quadrant and that is just that.

The Romulans- an offshoot of the Vulcan race. But unlike the Vulcans, Romulans are treacherous, violent, and governed by intense passion. If they are allowed to immigrate here from the Beta Quadrant, there won't be a safe bar in all of Manhattan. They will steal our jobs when our backs our turned quicker than you can say, "Space, the final frontier....". And giving these aliens driver's licenses will put the capital "D" in the word total disaster. Talk about some road rage now.

These are the questions you should be asking yourself during the next election before you spin the wheel on those video poker machines that select our representatives for us. Our very livelihoods are at stake here, people.

In the meantime, contact your senators and representatives and tell them you and your children have no plans to learn Romulan. Tell them that you want your government to build electric barbwire fences around all borders and cross sections of space that lead to the Alpha Quadrant. Tell them that you want bans placed on wormhole traffic and blood screenings in all buildings and on every job site (in case a few shape-shifters slip through).

Get it together. Let's keep the Alpha Quadrant free and prosperous for Alpha Quandrians First.


1 comment:

Malach the Merciless said...

What about Martian Manhunter? HUH?